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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 23/12/2013 11:10

Cannot has he acknowledged that this was about him not understanding/ appreciating that you are a separate human being from him, with a separate human dignity that needs to be respected by him? Has he understood that?

If so, what has he said about addressing the reason he had so little awareness of your human dignity? What made him think you and your feelings were of so little consequence? What is going to make him totally revolutionise his world-view, so that in future unlike in the past, he sees you as a separate human being who is entitled to the same respect he shows his workplace colleagues, friends etc. whose boundaries he wouldn't dream of trampling on?

In other words, how do you know that he is actually going to change the thinking that led to this outrage in the first place? What guarantees has he given you?

That's what I'd be looking at.

AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce · 23/12/2013 11:12

My ex used to sit there and put up with me yelling at him and wondering why he was such an arsehole.

He knew it didn't matter. A bit of temporary anger and frustration, wouldn't change the status quo.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/12/2013 11:14

To keep him in the same house as you must have taken a huge amount of courage unless you are more fearful of being on your own in which case he needs to know how incredibly lucky he is.

I wish you a peaceful future where you don't have to fear what your husband will do next.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 11:21

I wish you well, OP. Him ? Not so much.

EirikurNoromaour · 23/12/2013 11:52

My XH has sat through me ranting and raving and calling him terrible names with what seemed like humility and calm. Actually he was just storing things up to throw back at me at a later date. Sitting there while you vent your anger is the least he can do and it really means nothing.
I hope you get through Christmas ok, and manage to enjoy yourself. I suspect that over time, even if you try to get your relationship back on track, this monumental sexual betrayal will make it impossible for you to love or respect him again, but that's for you to discover in your own time. I wish you all the very best.

Donkeylovesmarzipanandmincepie · 23/12/2013 12:55

Baby steps OP but you choose the path. You have a good heart and I hope you stay true to yourself and don't put up with anything less than you deserve.

clam · 23/12/2013 13:16

Cal me a cynic, but I'm wondering if he is just sitting there while you rant, zoned out and thinking "Wow, 20,000 hits and that bloke Cammy wants to 'pump her rotten.' Result!"

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 15:50

That would you being realistic, not cynical, clam

OP has made her choice though. He is home free. The time to get him the fuck out of there will pass, and it will be business as usual very soon. For him, of course.

Lweji · 23/12/2013 15:54

I'm afraid he'll let you rant and soon enough will ask you if and why you are still upset and when are you going to get over it. :(

FamiliesShareGerms · 23/12/2013 15:59

This would be pretty high on my "unforgivable" list. Sorry this has happened to you.

Joysmum · 23/12/2013 16:01

Good for you cannot

It can be hard for some people to differentiate between abuse and out and out twatty thoughtless behaviour. If it's twatty thoughtless behaviour but loves you he fully appreciates what he's done then that's entirely different to not giving a fuck about your feelings.

Only the OP is best placed to decide which it is. There have been plenty of people being very forceful about their views that's the OP is being abused and likely to be abused again in future, so clearly she is well aware of this opinion but believes differently and thinks it worth taking the risk.

Good luck with working towards trying to mend the damage he has done to your marriage.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 16:04

OP, you have been brilliant throughout this. I wish you could see that you deserve better.

DustBunnyFarmer · 23/12/2013 16:06

I agree with Merry. Business as usual. Nothing to see here, move along.

OP - How would you feel about your daughter brushing things under the carpet in similar circumstances? Is it the kind of relationship you'd want for her when she grows up? You deserve better. She'll be learning what adult relationships are like from you & your partner. So sad. If you can't assert your boundaries for own sake, at least think about the long term impact on your kids. And don't assume they won't pick up on the undercurrent if you put a brave face on things.

MerryFuckingChristmas · 23/12/2013 16:08

OP, if things don't work out, please be reassured you will always get support here.

I am getting annoyed at myself now for not being able to walk away from this thread. I will be worrying about OP all over xmas. < goes off to find a grip >

Twinklestein · 23/12/2013 17:11

I don't think any of this has been about revenge porn or wanting to humiliate me the way some ex-partners do with their wives or girlfriends. It's been about him completely taking me for granted and not considering my feelings at all.

Personally I think that while the outcome is the same for the women involved, this is worse than revenge porn.

To sexually abuse and exploit someone you're supposed to love and respect, that is beyond obscene. It doesn't matter whether he wanted to humiliate you, he did. He degraded you for his own sexual pleasure, simply not giving a flying fuck how you would feel, knowing you would dislike it. And how do you know that he didn't get off on that humiliation? You've only got his word for it. I think he did consider your feelings, he knew precisely what they would be, and abused them.

I asked my husband how he would feel if he found similar footage of me online. He said he would feel sick to his stomach, irate and disgusted with the men leaving the comments, and would scour the net trying to delete it all. That, I think is a normal reaction. If men make sexual comments to me in public he does not feel proud, just revolted and protective.

I think the whole feeling 'proud' of you, 'showing you off' line is a total red herring OP, to avoid the sexually abusive nature of his actions and the deviancy of getting off on men wanking over his wife without her consent. That's fucking peverted frankly.

What would be made of a father who put naked pics of his daughter on the net (excluding her face) because he was 'proud' to have such an attractive offspring? It's not a compliment of any kind, just abuse and exploitation.

While this incident is under discussion OP I really hope you include his whole coercive attitude to sex with you, because there seems to be something fundamentally wrong with his approach to sexuality.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 23/12/2013 19:43

In making this decision I've looked over our whole 18yr relationship. The good times and the bad. This has been a monumental fuck up on OH's part, he has been thoughtless, inconsiderate and totally disrespectful. But I refuse to believe that this man has been getting off on my humiliation. I see him in his everyday life with my family, our children, his friends and just people in general. Fundamentally he is a good person. There is lots that we have to work on but I want to give it a go. This is my choice remember, he's sat and listened to everything I've had to say and I can see by the reaction in his face that he is both ashamed and surprised by how much of a total dick he has been. You don't need to believe any of this - I choose to. In the same way that it will be my decision to walk away from this relationship if I don't see things working out.

Without wanting to sound clichéd I've actually been really moved by the support I've had on here, it's been incredible.

OP posts:
ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 23/12/2013 19:47

I wish you luck.

He has betrayed and let you down hugely then compounded it by how he behaved afterwards. Look after yourself.

Vivacia · 23/12/2013 19:51

I respect your decision OP and your dignity since you started the thread. I hope you'll remember that we're here for you.

RandomMess · 23/12/2013 20:00

I'm glad you are comfortable and confident in your decision and that it is baby steps and you have realised that you would be able to cope on your own and are prepared to do it.

Wishing you the best and remember yes there will always be support here for you going forward. I'm sure there will be more tough and angry days ahead.

Lioninthesun · 23/12/2013 20:16

De-lurking to say good luck. I really mean that despite my own opinion, as I think you have been very calm in a situation I can't imagine many women thinking twice over.
My viewpoint FWIW; I am not anti-porn either, but still consider men who use them as 'wankers' and usually have visions of the most prolific users being smelly/fat/bald/sweaty men beating away furiously over a body (the head doesn't matter unless it is being 'used') and have to say I cannot find a man who would want me to be on the receiving end of that/those people, someone I could look in the eye and think 'he respects me' or anything remotely nice. The fact in this day and age he thinks making you an unpaid porn star to 'rate you' via users who have too much, er time, on their hands, doesn't make him particularly attractive to stay with, no? Not to be to blunt about it, but he has almost handed you about to strangers as a free fuck-bucket, when it is actually (sadly) the only industry where women normally get paid more than men.
But as I said, I do wish you luck and am probably posting under some feelings of anger on your behalf, which I feel you haven't really let out throughout this. 'Scumbag' is possibly the weakest abusive word I would be calling him Grin

Twinklestein · 23/12/2013 20:30

He may not have been getting off on your humiliation, but he was getting off on myriad strangers wanking over you, and if he doesn't think of that as humiliating, if he didn't intend to humiliate you, it is and he did.

I totally respect your decision to try to work through this OP, I was not questioning that. I understand that you want to make the relationship work, my concern is that that being the case it's easier to make allowances and minimise than to hold him to account on every painful point. Otherwise the behaviour pattern may occur again in the future in a different form.

Anyways, I wish a good a Christmas as you can possibly have. xx

nauticant · 23/12/2013 20:34

It's the OPs choice.

One positive is that hopefully she'll be continuing with the relationship in a zero-tolerance frame of mind.

EirikurNoromaour · 24/12/2013 09:06

Good luck. We all have to come to these decisions in our own time. Maybe you will be able to forgive him and move on, I hope he's genuinely contrite and understands what he did. We will be here for support whatever happens.

QuintessentialShadows · 24/12/2013 09:10

You need to do what feels right. Don't forget yourself in all this. How will you be able to trust him? Make love go him? After shat he has done. Don't jeopardise yourself in your attemt to save this relationship. Good luck.

Lweji · 24/12/2013 09:23

What I'd say, regarding your decision, is not to rush things, nor let him rush you. Take your time and watch his attitudes very closely and with as much of a critical as well as detached eye.
You still want to believe the best in him, just make sure it is really there and it's not your wishful thinking.

Decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Decide what would make you leave him and stick to it, should it happen.