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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

905 replies

cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 08:19

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

OP posts:
neunundneunzigluftballons · 15/12/2013 10:29

How awful what a dic

QuintessentialShadows · 15/12/2013 10:29

I guess what you found is just the top of the iceberg. Sad

Snargaluff · 15/12/2013 10:30

This is awful! And surely won't be the first time he had done it.

If it really was a moment of madness and he thought you'd like it, then he would have been mortified, begging forgiveness (not that that would make it better), he wouldn't be joking about a bj!

I could not forgive this

alterego2 · 15/12/2013 10:40

I am not normally of the LTB camp. My husband had an affair and we are still dealing with the fallout rather than split. However, that was a betrayal: this is a violation. I could not forgive this.

I am so sorry he did this to you.

MrsPMT · 15/12/2013 10:40

I'm so sorry Sad

I couldn't forgive this either.

Its good (for your peace of mind) that you aren't identifiable, he doesn't care about your feelings though and esp as you have young dcs. I would be raging, he would have to leave.

Do you have close friends/family who can support/help you? I think I'd have to confide in someone.

RubyGoat · 15/12/2013 10:42

I remembered a documentary about this, link below. The man ended up in prison, although I don't know if it was for the cyber-stalking or the fact that he'd put the photos online. I'd talk to a solicitor or CAB if I were you, OP.

www.channel4.com/programmes/my-social-network-stalker/episode-guide

peggyundercrackers · 15/12/2013 10:45

it doesn't matter if you delete all copies on laptops/computers you find - they can all be recovered quite easily. the only way you cant recover them is if you destroy the disk they are on.

MatryoshkaDoll · 15/12/2013 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 10:52

Thanks for all your posts. I actually feel worse this morning than I did last night when I discovered them. When he came down this morning he was trying to joke around again and was like " oh, is someone still not talking to me." I was getting upset and just said "you really don't have a fucking clue what you've done do you ?" I left it at that as I didn't want to cry or start swearing in front of the dcs.

rpitchfo - thanks for your post. I was actually wondering how another man would view this (would they take the approach that it's just a woman over-reacting and no big deal) but you're just as shocked as every other poster here. I can't talk to anyone about this in RL. Far, far too embarrassed.

I know he thinks I've just blew up over nothing and as long as he removes them from that one website then it's sorted. Apart from the fact that they could be all over the internet, as others have said, I'm more upset by how he's treated me than the fact that faceless strangers could be wanking over me. His assumption that he knows what's best and my opinion doesn't really count.

OP posts:
Thisisaghostlyeuphemism · 15/12/2013 10:56

I'm sorry op I don't know what to say. The fact that he thinks it's no big deal speaks volumes.

ilovesmurfs · 15/12/2013 11:03

what ghostly said.

i am.impressed you are staying calm. i would have.lost it big time. he needs to leave if only.to give you some space.

i cant believe he doesnt see what a massive breach of trust this is.

Lweji · 15/12/2013 11:03

Sorry, cannot, but I'd be leaving him and reporting him to the police.
It's a massive violation of trust, IMO.

fiftyandfab · 15/12/2013 11:04

I was thinking the exact same thing OP, that once the initial anger dies down, it will feel an even bigger deal, that the fact your trusted partner of 18 years, the father of your children and the man you'd thought you'd grow old with has committed such a violation, and, even worse, that he doesn't see it as such.

Can you show him this thread?

NigellaLaw5on · 15/12/2013 11:05

Whats the big deal if you can't be identified.

Totellthetruthornot · 15/12/2013 11:06

Nigella are you fucking kidding me?

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 11:07

ilovesmurfs - I'm not really calm. I feel like I could be sick at any moment. He's took DS for a haircut and I'm getting ready with DD. Then I'll take them out for a few hours.

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 15/12/2013 11:08

Nigella. Are you serious!? Wow!

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 11:08

NigellaLaw5on - the fact that you're in the minority on this thread shows you how big a deal it is I think.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/12/2013 11:09

He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?"

This should tell you all you need to know about this man and his sense of entitlement over you.

It's the type of thing ex said to me the morning after the first time he was physically violent and had been told it was the last time it happened. Except he asked me to make him coffee. I never used to.

The message is, not only you'll forgive me but you'll also serve me/be under my control.
Very bad news, cannot. :(

TalkativeJim · 15/12/2013 11:12

Oh my God.

There no coming back from that.

OP are you going to split with him?

Christ almighty, a man who posts porn videos of his own family

I couldn't have a scumbag like that living with my children.

maleview70 · 15/12/2013 11:13

It's terrible but like you said if he really is a good partner and dad then is that not grounds for trying to work around this?

If your face cannot be seen then no one will recognise you.

Clearly you can't just brush it under the carpet though.

Original poster
cannotfuckingbelievethis · 15/12/2013 11:13

talkative - I don't know what I'm going to do just now.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/12/2013 11:17

If you are in public, what you do is public.
In the privacy of your bedroom, even if allowed to be filmed for private use, I'm pretty sure it's not the same, but the police would be able to advise.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 15/12/2013 11:17

You need to do some damage limitation now, OP.

Statistically, it's unlikely that he jumped straight to uploading a video. He probably started with photos. I'd remove all other photos and videos from him. Delete them from his phone/yablet/laptop and the backups. If he uses apple devices, it'll probably be iCloud. If Android, Google Drive. He might use Dropbox.

Then I'd talk to him about what else he had uploaded but id be fully expecting him to lie now that he has seen your reaction, because he has made it crystal clear that your opinion comes a very low second to his, and barely registers at all.

You are doing well to hold this together. I hope you manage to think this through and decide what to do soon. Is get started on the above ASAP in the meantime, though.