My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

You are thinking about everyone else in this and that's understandable but in these awful circumstances you have to put yourself and your DC first. Christmas or not. With him gone you can concentrate you your Mum, your children and just have a different Christmas. You will able to start to move forward and you will be in a different frame of mind.

He needs to go, you are being tormented each hour that he is there and you know he is there with god knows what vile perverted ideas in his head. Ask the police to ask/tell him to go because of his behaviour and his treatment of you which is abusive, controlling and disgusting.

I so far see no consequences for him whatsoever. He's just lying low waiting for you to give in and shut up.

Although I do like the idea of holding back public disclosure for the moment and using it as leverage to get him out of the house.

On telling his sister...

Of course it will cause her pain. The question is, will it cause her less pain than the alternative.

If you don't tell her, she will have to believe that you have "broken up the family for no good reason". Given she likes you, that will be very sad for her, and inexplicable and disappointing.

If you do tell her, she has to believe that her brother, who she already is not close to, has behaved appallingly.

I actually think that in terms of who she has trusted and liked in the past, the truth will be less hurtful than having to believe that you have let everyone down. Which, I would guess, will be the story he puts out.

It is also possible that if he is not given a shock now, he will go on to do similar things again. That's a bit more remote, though.

OP this is really really bothering me - someone who is so lacking in boundaries as to post pornographic videos of his partner on the internet, is probably lacking in boundaries in other areas.

I really believe you need to take his computer etc to the police - I am sorry to say that over the last few days of reading this thread I am coming to believe that what he has done to you is probably the tip of the iceberg and there is more to be uncovered.

It is entirely possible that your vulnerability is what attracted him to you in the first place and there well be more victims of his abuse out there, because what he has done is sexually abusive.

His sister will undoubtedly be horrified, but you need someone on your side, I personally would show her this thread.

I think of you often.

Not only would I be.telling his sister I would be telling her to take him to stay with her and pack the fuckers bags.

You need to tell him to leave.u

Myfriend was raped and didnt tell her mum as she had cancer, five years later her mum was better found out and was desversated that her daughter kept this from her and it still causes problems even now. Can you imagen your child going thru this alone?

No matter what your mum is going thru she loves you and would want to know and help you and the kids.

Myfriend was raped and didnt tell her mum as she had cancer, five years later her mum was better found out and was desversated that her daughter kept this from her and it still causes problems even now. Can you imagen your child going thru this alone?

No matter what your mum is going thru she loves you and would want to know and help you and the kids.

If you throw him out now or next year the childrens life will be affected. In this case you need to put yourself first and do what you need to heal.

This xmas or next xmas does it really make a difference?

Shit, have reported it to. My head is wasted.

I cannot under any circumstances tell my Mum about this. On top of all the health problems she's had this year, my parents are also getting major grief from my arsehole brother (raging alcoholic) who is homeless at the moment and trying to get back into their house. To be honest she's not the best person in a crisis, though she does mean well, and would just create more hassle for me if she knew.

Not surprised, OP. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Can you go and see your Aunt again if you need to chat to someone irl?

I don't know if this would help you, but have a look at a site called tineye.com if you have the original domains of the videos to try and trace where they might have gone online x

hope you're ok OP.

I agree with your reasons not to tell your mum, as sometimes, then you shock somebody with your troubles then you have to deal with that person's reaction too. it is not a trouble halved, it's a trouble with a side order of guilt and counselling the person you offloaded to.

I guess there's always the option to tell your mum a version of the truth. I am no longer happy with 'p'. He doesn't respect me. He is entitled.

That way, it paves the way for the news that you're not happy and you're splitting (or whatever).

Sometimes it can be better to tell somebody something when there is just a bit more distance (time) between you and it.

That's not to say 'don't tell anybody' but you've told your aunt. You could tell a friend.

And yes, wrt his sister, I think I would tell her.

Obviously you know that she is his sister so you wouldn't be looking for support from her although hopefully she would be appalled and would be ashamed on his behalf and would be supportive, but, you know, blood is not only thicker than water but thicker than porridge sometimes I think my own x ils deluional. BUT yes, I would tell her what he did without your consent. You don't have to demand that she nails her support to your mast or his mast. You have your aunt to confide in. but i think that you should put it out there. Blow any collusion to protect him out of the water. If what he's done is not such a big deal then he can live with his sister knowing I guess.

No matter what his sister says, and you might be surprised, your friend that your so close to might have thick blood running through her veins and might say 'ah sure there's a video of me on the internet and I don't mind', that's her business, you didn't give your consent, this is you not her, and it's your absolute prerogative to feel violated and disgusted and betrayed.

So with that big long qualifier, I'd tell the sister I think.

I can clearly see that predatory personalities [by definition very capable of putting other peoples feelings and needs way, way below their own] actively search out and identify vulnerable partners.....those who need to please and appease others, to over-adapt, to comply. I fear OP that you persist in still behaving in these ways, and every day is enabling your partner to escape any fallout and become complacent.

I have also seen that bottled up anger can cause a lot of harm to the innocent party's mental well being, and eventually their physical well being. Better for mental good health to act, be proactive, adjust to new circumstances and aim for a better situation.

Surely to deny/avoid the atmosphere, the simmering resentment, the bottling up, the rage over the Christmas period is not going to achieve much. The Aunt sounds wonderfully supportive, and probably needs to be visited again...and I think the sister should know what has happened. If her brother acted like this tough - his problem to deal with, put her in the picture.

Do not tell your Mum if you want to protect her. But it will have to come out sooner or later and the blame for it all is clearly all your [deluded] partners. I have no idea why he is being protected here.

I would tell his sister. I fear that once your DH realises you are serious, he will put together his version of events - He might say that he did this with your cooperation. I would want to get my story in first.

I am so very sorry that this has happened to you, op.

I just wanted to say that I don't think you should show your SIL this thread, as several posters have suggested. This seems to me like a safe place for you to talk freely and get support and if you show it to your SIL there is always the possibility that she will show it to your partner.

actually yes, I take back my suggestion about his sister, experience has taught me in these things, blood becomes thicker than water.

If you do decide to tell people, there are two important things you should mention.

It wasn't just that he unloaded videos, but that these videos were created as a result of his campaign to persuade/coerce you to go along with their creation, and that there were a number of separate uploading acts by him (over what time period?) and it wasn't simply something that people could pretend was a "moment of madness".

OP, you are being very strong - something like this really must be unforgivable.

I'm worried about him sulking though, I think you need a plan for if he 'outs' you/tries to tell anyone that you consented to his actions. Are you sure that he doesn't have any pictures/videos where you can be identified? Sneaky doesn't seem to be out of the question here!

Oh i mwant to tell her byt not to show her tbread. No no!

Cafe society i see what u r saying to op but cut her slack. Took me a year to vent, a year of counselling, some introspection, some psychotherapy, some time and some real life to apply what id learnt and react differently.... rome not built in one day

What AskBasilAboutCranberrySauce said [Thu 19-Dec-13 10:05:32]

Put you first.

i really do wish people would stop telling OP to go to police -for one she has said repeatedly that she does not want to do that andfor two - fwiw - as a cop - i have no idea what the police would be supposed to do about it. Its not a criminal offence as far as i can see - its insensitive, stupid, crass, pathetic, thoughtless and a truly truly shitty thing to do - but i cant for the life of me think what actual offence legally he has committed that would warrant a police investigation. i know that wont be popular with those shouting about going to police - but unless the image is illegal then there is sod all the police can do about it. And illegal for the purposes of the law and porn is extreme - like bestiality or child porn - this video does not fall into the obscene publications act in any way shape or form - nor is he outraging public decency as far as i can see - because its posted on porn sites - legal sites - so unless you wanted to see it you wouldnt find that site - and she is non identifiable - so from a purely legal stand point i cant think what the police could do other than tell him he is a dick head of the highest order and to take the bloody stuff down.
im sure this would just compound her embarrassment so i cant see the point of advising this - im sure folk mean well but the police will have no legal grounds to help.

i think the way to go here is to stop protecting him OP - let others draw what ever conclusions they want - you say as much or as little as YOU are comfortable with - stop worrying about him or what people will think - and see a solicitor just to get the civil stuff sorted and so you have an idea of where you stand IF you do decide to go it alone.

i have suggested up thread speaking to rape crisis or similar because i think they could offer a friendly, confidential and informed ear to the issue. please do not misunderstand my absolute disgust with what the OPs DP has done - but legally - thats legally - i cant see what offence he has committed other than gross fucking stupidity - which sadly is not a police matter.