My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

Amen to that vicar! And I'm still with 'outing' him to others in real life, in order to de-minimalise.

Good post vicar.

I suggested she goes to the police because god knows what else he has been up to - many an evil person has been caught by something stupid on a computer.

Myy concern is that if he possibly can he will minimise or claim it was OP's wish to go online then pretend he was shocked, appalled/sorrowful, upset etc. It sounds calculating saying "Get your side of the story in first" but when the person you trusted most can act the way he has it is worth considering his potential for further hurt. And if he can twist this to be a victim he surely will.

Agree with Vicar completely (my DD is wearing a tutu to school today BTW :))

Technically OP may have legal recourse under copyright/performer rights law via the civil system. But I don't think that is any practical use to her here.

But MummySanta, what do you think going to the police will achieve?
He hasn't broken the law in doing what he's done.
I get that you think he may have other material on his computer, but that's just speculation on your part.
As far as I understand the law, we have rights in the UK and the police can't just go around looking at people's computers without a very good reason.
Or maybe I'm wrong on that?
I do think that what he's done is completely shitty and unforgiveable, but going to the police is pointless.

I suggested she goes to the police because god knows what else he has been up to - many an evil person has been caught by something stupid on a computer.

The guy is an insensitive, ignorant, arrogant, selfish, scumbag. What do you think the Police are going to do? They can't investigate his entire life when he hasn't even committed a criminal offence. They might tell him to stop being a dick and take the videos down. They can't do any more than that.
Why does this behaviour make him more likely to be involved in some other serious crime? What else do you think he might have been up to?

Shame him all you want, you have every right to, but I can't see any benefit to going to the police.

No Vicar I think it could be potentially investigated by the police as an assault, as it puts the OP in apprehension of harm - she mentioned the comment by a third party viewer of the video to "pump' her.

It may be a technically difficult case to bring, but the advantage of the police investigating it is that it takes the responsibility of dealing with ut out of the OP's hands. And it may uncover other harmful acts on the part of her DP.

I appreciate though that the OP has stated her intention not to report it, although sadly this is probably the sort of outcome and reaction her partner is relying on.

This really isn't good behaviour on the part of a university lecturer - speaking as a one time lecturer myself.

I think it could be potentially investigated by the police as an assault, as it puts the OP in apprehension of harm

But a police officer has said there is no crime to be investigated.

As a lawyer, I think it could be investigated as a possible assault. If the OP made a complaint. I appreciate the guidelines police have to work under, but academically it is a possibility that is worthy if further investigation as an assault.

Apologies to OP if hi jacking thread to make academic point.

OP I'm so sorry you've had to experience this. I had a similar thing happen to me in my late teens (the second time I slept with the bf I lost my virginity too)

17 years later and the videos still crop up from time to time, thankfully the quality is considered poor by current iphone standards, and I've changed a lot so most people wouldn't recognise it as me.

You're right, you need to stop tormenting yourself, I still contact the websites I find it on and request the videos removal on the grounds it was published without my consent, but once it's there its never going to go away completely.

You need to decide what you want, he has broken your trust in the biggest way possible, and only you can decide if you want to work through this or move on.

What else do I thInk he has been up to? He is a lecturer, he has posted pornographic videos of his parter on porn sites

He has no boundaries and I know vicar has said there is no offence but I remain unconvinced - on of my children was cyber bullied on FB - the police took that seriously and were on the verge of issuing harassment orders - this is way more serious than that.

I'm slightly astounded that it isn't illegal to upload explicit videos of people without their consent!

Well if it's not then that's a great candidate for Mumsnet's next campaign isn't it.

I think it's probably covered under other laws - harassment etc. but given that it is going to become a bigger, not smaller problem in the future there probably needs to be specific legislation about it.

MTB I would have thought telling them you were a minor at the time would have them remove it faster.

I'm sorry that it happened to you as well.

How are things OP? I can't believe what a monumental dick he is being, sulking like a teenager and making no attempt to redeem himself/ sort out the situation (I do not consider sending one measly email an effort, he should be onto them morning noon and night til they take them down).

ok.
the videos were made my 2 consenting adults - so no offence there.
the videos do not identify the OP.
the videos do not break any laws on obscenity or public decency.

so lets go down the harassment route - are the police seriously supposed to issue a harassment warning to the OPs partner - they LIVE together - a harassment warning would effectively stop him for communicating with her in any way. What good is that? they LIVE together, they are IN a relationship with each other, they have a life together and children together - at this stage a harassment warning would be the biggest waste of paper ever produced.
so lets look at harassment law - the "suspect" has to have undertaken a course of conduct (so more than 1 occasion) that is likely to be seen by any reasonable person as harassment. Do you any of you seriously think the CPS would run a case like this where the couple are still together and in a committed relationship of 18 years?
if she left him - and IF he contacted her then and she didnt want that then that would constitute harassment - but really the harassment laws were brought in to deal with stalkers - people who would no leave an ex alone - calls, texts, following them, sending presents or anything that the victims construes as unwanted attention - HOW does this situation fit any of that?

and please inform me as to how this is in any way shape or form an assault??????
the very minimum category of assault is a section 39 - often referred to as "assault by beating". He has not laid a hand on her - he has not forced or coerced her into making the tapes. they were both willing participants - for any assault there has to be a "force" applied - that does not mean force used - it means actually touched another person - so even an unwanted touch can be assault - BUT this is not about an unwanted contact, or unwanted touching/pushing/hitting.

there is no legislation that covers this - yes police may try to scrape the barrel by making harassment law fit, but cyber bullying is totally totally different - and comes under different laws such as malicious communications - again - not crime recordable.
Please, could the lawyer tell me as the stupid cop on what grounds police would have any authority to act - to arrest this man?
to interview him to obtain evidence by questioning?
what would he be charged with? its not assault. its not harassment.
how would the OP be identified in the video - would she have to strip and show the cops dealing her marks and scars so they can be sure its her in the video? evidence is needed - anyone can say anything about anyone - proof would be needed that it was even the OP in the video - how could you verify that????!!!???
How can you say its assault by putting her in fear of harm? from who?? Cammy? (who posted he wants to pump her rotten....) - so how likely is that REALLY to happen?? does he know her name, or where she lives? Are police really expected to go and arrest or interview someone for something that hasnt actually happened but might happen in a parallel universe even though its very very highly unlikely because "cammy" or his ilk would need to be psychic to even find out who she is??,is she named, or exposed to real or probable risk of physical harm in any way?? the lawyers at the crown prosecution service would laugh that out of the office. No one knows who she is on those sites - its horrible, yes, men leering and using what should be a private video to wank over - awful - criminal?? not in THIS instance.

people yelling "police" is the most ridiculous thing ive read on here in a long time.
there are absolutely no criminal offence that fits in this particular scenario where the partners are still partners, living together, as a couple.
would OP want her life partner criminalised, ( if there were?)
to what aim? lose his job? then what - they lose the roof over their heads? go to food banks? just to satisfy a bunch of total strangers on the net??? the mans an idiot - but he made a saucy sex tape and did the 21st century equivalent of showing it to his mates - its awful, its crass, its insensitive, its stupid,
The man may be a daft git, its gross, its upsetting, but its NOT CRIMINAL in THIS CASE.

There is nothing the police could realistically do with this set of circumstances. Each case is different - each case looked at on its merits but this is not cyber bullying, or harassment, or assault, or malicious comms.
its awful. its unforgivable.
its not criminal on the face of it in this instance.
and i doubt very much that making a sex tape means that suddenly the OPs partner of 18 years is some raging predatory pervert about to prey on innocent young students....men from all walks of life do stupid things and use porn. There would be no grounds what so ever to start to dissect this mans life, or for that matter, his computer.

if we lived in the kind of police state that this would warrant i doubt anyone would be advocating reporting it.

sorry OP....rant over. im still very much in support of you and i agree that this is not something that can or should be swept aside or forgotten.

good luck with what ever you decide for the relationship. no one could blame you for kicking him to the kerb.
but neither could you be blamed for thinking long and hard about it first. its your life. your family. your pain., and you will, im sure, do what ever is right for you.

I am absolutely gobsmacked by that post vicar making a sex tape between 2 consenting adults is fine.

Uploading it to numerous websites so other men can wank over it is violating and abusive and in my opinion shows a massive lack of boundaries which may well extend into other areas.

I'm genuinely shocked. Do you work in a specialist unit??

It shows a lack of boundaries. Boundaries. It's not a criminal act though.

Vicar's post really does highlight how the law and criminal justice system need to catch up with the digital age.

20000 people have viewed the video, iirc from upthread. That's way more serious than "showing it to his mates".

It's absolutely appalling that there is no legal comeback should someone do this to you.

Vicar are you definitively saying that under no circumstances the OP should go to the police? That is what I am taking from your 'rant' and whether you mean it or not that is what is coming across. I think that is unfortunate advice from a police officer because while what you are saying may well be true, you might be missing some other pertinent information which might actually be prosecutable but might take a bit more legal wrangling. Surely going to the police should be presented as an option to a woman who has been violated so badly and then they and the CPS can determine if there is a case to answer.

What MatryoshkaDoll said.

The OP gave permission for the film to be made, the film owner has uploaded the film and the OP cannot be identified from the film.

It might not be right, morally, but it is legal.