My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

Thanks vicar for mAking it very clear. Can everyone please stop with advising op to go to police. THIS IS NOT WHAT SHE WANTS TO DO. she has mAde this clear so cAn we please respect what she wants.

How are u op?

i agree living - even if it were criminal - surely the OPs wishes in this should be of importance enough to take heed of? She has said repeatedly she does not want to go take this to police - so while we are all talking about listening and not violating peoples rights are we so keen to completely ignore the right of the oP to do as she sees fit?

thanks to those who have backed what ive said.

i have also said many times in the course of my work that the law needs to be updated to include the digital era - i had a complaint about the facebook site that thinks cancer is apparently funny because people die.....

shit and tasteless. yes.
still not criminal.

people seem to think police should be able to act because they think it should be criminal - thats as maybe - but as the law stands its not.
so sod all the police could do with it. we dont make the laws. we try our best to enforce the ones that exist - which at the moment is like pissing in the sea.

but in any event we are told as police officers to respect the wishes of the "victim" - which would be a great idea on this thread.

This is a grieving process though for the OP. What you want and feel now OP may be very different from what you want at the end of the process. Get good legal advice. Do not be constrained by what you read here because as helpful as people want to be people do not have all of the available information.

8VicarinaTutu thank god for the voice of reason! I am 100% in agreement with your post rant re criminality. And hear hear to Matryo*...I too wish people would get off the 'call the Police' wagon, for the very reason that it's NOT what the OP wants! RTFT PEOPLE!!!

grrr at me trying to 'bold' / 'strikeout' at this ungodly hour....(can't sleep)

I'm ok thanks. We've been talking a lot more since Thursday night. What I had interpreted as sulking appears to have been more walking around with his tail between his legs because he couldn't look me in the eye or talk to me. OH has a tendency to bury his head in the sand when a situation arises that he doesn't like or can't cope with. Wish I could do this.

He asked on Thursday night how long I was going to sleep with DS and I said as long as need be because I didn't want to sleep with him and he said in that case I should take the bed; he'd have the couch as he'd fucked up not me.

I asked again if he had even began to comprehend what he had done, he said yes and then just repeatedly apologised saying what a dick he had been. I basically lost it and left him without a name, telling him all the sites I'd found it on and how many people had viewed it. The colour drained from his face at that point. He is 100% adamant that he has only uploaded it to the one site and after having looked closer (using the tiny eye link someone provided, thank you !) it looks that this is the case.

Whilst the video may be "advertised" on sites promoting "Granny porn" (I'm not even 40 for fucks sake !) and incest (lovely, fuck knows how it got there) should you choose to click on them, it redirects you to the original site that OH uploaded it to. So whilst I still think he's been a dick, I believe him. He said he'd always loved the idea of me wanting to show my body off (to him) and the idea of me being sexually confident and basically wanted to show me off because he's proud of the way I look. I said that was all well and good but it's not his "body" to show off in the first place.

I feel a lot calmer, at least because the sick feeling is gone and there is not a crap atmosphere for the kids. But I haven't forgotten this and we're still in separate beds. I've been to CAB to see where I stand on benefits and the mortgage, etc should I become a single mother.

I can't believe the support I've had on here. I may not have liked some of the posts or agreed with them but the range of opinions and responses have really made the think things through which is what I have needed to do.

Vicar So demonstrative was your rant over your personal interpretation of the law that I am worried about offending the OP by commenting. I am worried though that you might put off someone in a similar position to the OP taking appropriate action and therefore point out the following:

you are perfectly aware that R v Ireland gives sufficient grounds to invetigate should a person in the position of the OP make a complaint. Yes there may not be an element of immediacy, but that is the point of investigating. Who knows what is going on.

I'm horrified at your suggestion that women should not report potential crimes because their partners might lose their jobs.

I'm astonished at your suggestion that I think you stupid because you are a police officer. Rather, I think the obvious is implied from what you write - yes, I realise that everyone else must be, on occasion, very irritating to you for not falling into categories that make doing your job easier, but the post isn't actually about you.

I really hope the OP manages to find some resolution over this.

But does he not understand fully? Has he acknowledged, that even though he 'loves' the idea of showing you off, that he should have DISCUSSED it with you first? Why did he go behind your back? What's his explanation for that?
That's what is so wrong here. It wasn't a mutual decision to upload this material. If it was I'd have simply thought you were both a bit daft, but it was your decision. As it stands what he's done is disgusting. Does he fully understand what a major breach of trust this has created?
What is he going to do - what on earth CAN he do - to rebuild your trust, assuming he wants to save the relationship?

Glad you're feeling a bit better. Stay strong & hope you manage to have a nice Christmas with the DC.

I'm glad you're feeling calmer and are confident that you can take the time you need to decide the way forward.

I am glad he is showing signs of understanding what he has done and you two are talking . Only you can decide where you go from here. Good luck and I hope you continue to feel stronger and better about this awful thing.

cannot I'm so glad you found that link useful :)

I can sort of relate to how your husband is feeling to an extent.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing what he did at all! However, I know that if I have feelings I can't deal with, I may avoid, minimise or get angry. Eventually as it sinks in I can handle it more rationally.

If he truly loves you and was unthinking or unappreciative of your wishes, it's now bloody obvious the damage he's caused and he will be feeling overwhelmed with guilt, anger at himself for causing you pain, stupid, and doubt his worthiness to be with you.

Again, I'm not making excuses at all, but if he is feeling all if those things, fully appreciates what he's done and is desperate to make amends and you can be sure he won't violate your rights ever agai then there may still be hope.

I said earlier up thread that for me, in those circumstances with no identifiable features I'd not consider it to be an immediate deal breaker. That doesn't mean I can't understand the points of view of others. It also doesn't minimise what's happened or the battle you'd have ahead if you if you did choose to try to work through this before you decided your marriage was over.

Either way, it sounds like progress is being made right now. I just hope you have somebody in your life that you can turn to to give you a massive hug and confide all your hopes and fears to. Please, look after yourself...and I wish you strength to be able to take whatever path you think is right x

I think it sounds as though Sulking didn't work so he's trying out Contriteness. I'm wondering when he'll get on to Angry if you don't come round.

I think he'll be switching to Angry when Christmas Eve arrives and his perfect family Christmas is flawed. Hopefully he's shitting himself.

Him asking how long you'll be sleeping with ds wasn't a roundabout way of asking about that blowjob again, was it?

I'm so sorry you've had this done to you. Not quite sure what to say except I think he has sexually abused you and, since it has been going on since at least February, it has been a sustained campaign of abuse rather than a one-off spur of the moment thing. I think you're being really strong and I hope you come out the other side of this even stronger. Just wanted to wish you luck with whatever you decide to do.

I once in the days before the Internet made a sex tape with a live in serious boyfriend and when I found out he had showed it to his friend I left him immediately. But it's different when you have kids and 18years of history. I hope whatever you decide to do its the right choice for you.

OP I am so sorry your partner has done this to you. Your head must still be reeling.

I personally would find what he did unforgivable if it was a one-off. My trust in him would be utterly shattered. But it wasn't just a one-off, was it? He did it the first time (which was in February as far as you can tell, but could presumably been before). Got away with it, and used other men being turned on by you as a way of getting his own kicks - totally without your knowledge. He then continued to film you, knowing he was going to add it to that site, knowing that you were totally unaware of the fact that other men were going to use you as wank fodder.

I have no doubt that he would have continued to film you and upload the films onto dodgy sites and that the only reason he has stopped is because you caught him. He makes light of what he did, and makes sexually-loaded 'jokes' in the hope that you will forgive him. That didn't work, and so he has been sulking with you this week, hoping you will rescind and forgive him his silly actions. Now he is trying his contrite/sorry act, because his previous tactics haven't worked. Of course he should have offered to move out of your bed when this first came out, but instead took several days to come up with the suggestion, in a bid to look like the good guy.

All of the above would make an 18 year relationship unrepairable for me. You can no longer trust or respect him, and he has demonstrated every step of the way that he has absolutely zero respect for you, his partner and the mother of his children.

He will switch to angry after a couple of nights on the sofa. The Op will come under pressure to let him back in the bed. Then it's Game Over.

Yupp. He'll think "ive been put through enough here" and getvangry that u havent forgiven him by now.

He'll probably trot out the line, "It's time to draw a line under this now" too.

his way of thinking is still screwed, it's still all about him op. as is your sex life by the sounds of it.

A few Christmas drinks will probably bring the result he wants. He is very transparent.

lessmissabs - I have been at pains to say that my conclusions were drawn on the info given in this case - but the op repeatedly said police action is not what she wants. I also sais that every case would be assessed on its own merits, But I still fail to see how you could make anything stick in this particular case. and the op doesnt want that ! do the ops feelings count for nothing? I will take a look at pnld for your stated case. I take it there must be similarities? am working today so will read it through. I am not suggesting that women do not report crimes- but I still fail to see why everyone is hell bent on pushing this poster into action she has repeatedly said she does not want?

Please don't insult the OP by implying she will lay down with her husband after a few drinks and "give in" nor that she will back down after he gets angry.

I heard a report on radio 4 within the last week about a group of women in Texas who are campaigning for this to be illegal. They had pictures and videos posted as a form of revenge porn and also had their telephone numbers attached.

It's not illegal - unbelievable hey? But they are suing the owners of the website etc. and managed to get their pictures etc removed and from sites which had copied the images.

I'm on my phone so can't link but I will see if I can search the story and tell you what to google.

Apologies if this has been mentioned. I have tried to keep up with thread but not read it all.

OP. it's a terrible invasion of privacy.