My partner has posted videos of me on a porn website

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

I have namechanged as I'm mortified to think that this has happened.

Together 18yrs, 2 young DCS aged 5 and 3. Had the usual ups and downs you would expect during 18yrs together. Our sex life used to be pretty good, we experimented with different things and OH liked to take pictures of me which I wasn't into at first but then came round to the idea. As long as they were for his use only I didn't really have a problem but only let him take them when I felt like it. He was trying to spice things up over the last couple of months and recorded me a few times when we were having sex. I did not explicitly say "do not post these anywhere else" (because I shouldn't fucking have to I would have thought !) But I have mentioned in the past about how I would horrible it would be if a partner or an ex did this. So he knows my feelings on the subject.

When I found out last night I just asked him flat out why he did it. He said he liked the idea of people watching me and getting turned on. I said what about what I like and what I want ? He said he "thought" I would like it too. I told him I was fucking raging and wanted them off the site now and that he knew how I felt about it as I'd already said they were for him to watch and no one else.

I feel like such a fucking idiot. I know it was my decision to trust him but we're not talking about some teenager who is coerced into making a video. I've known him for a bloody lifetime. He doesn't seem to be seeing it as that big a deal and was kind of joking last night about "any chance of a blowjob then ?" I told him to fuck off.

Apart from all of the above which makes him sound like a complete prick he is a brilliant Dad and a good partner, though not the most affectionate. I could fucking kill him just now I'm so angry.

I agree ToffeeOwnsTheSausage.

I don't get the impression taht the OP is squaring up for a lifetime of denial, just to stay in a relationship at any cost.

She sounds calm, her conversations with him have been appropriately angry! she has confided in an aunt, and in strangers on the internet, she hasn't tried to 'spin' him positively.

I get the impression that this poster will be drawing a line all right, but under her old people-pleasing past/self

Google The revenge porn avengers - on the BBC radio 4 website. Was broadcast on 11th December. At the very least you can show it to your DP so he can realise how hurtful and repulsive his behaviour has been.

Sadly, I also agree that the next likely phase will be angry.

Now would be a good time to see if he'd agree to moving out, although he's likely to say yes, after Christmas then go back on his word.

This will also be a good time to make sure he doesn't keep anymore videos or photos of you in his computer or elsewhere.

I'm not sure educating this man about revenge porn is very wise. If you do split and things turn ugly, he could post the porn videos alongside your name, address, phone number, photos of your face, etc. If he hasn't had any qualms about posting videos while he supposedly loves you, what would he be willing to do when angry over a split? And when he finds out it isn't even illegal (at least in the states) to post these things.

If I were the OP I would be seeking legal advice from someone experienced in these matters. Not trying to scare you unnecessarily OP, I just believe in being prepared for all possibilities when splitting up (if that's what you choose to do).

But who thinks this thread is about revenge porn?

Uploading videos without consent for one's own sexual jollies at the cost of the victim is bad enough.

A couple previous posters suggested showing the man articles and programmes about revenge porn, nauticant. I don't think that's wise as the situation here could escalate if the OP drops him.

OP, I am horrified about what this prick has done to you. I can't imagine the week you have had. Very best of luck with your future choices.

I am not suggesting for one moment that the OP goes to the police. However, making a recording of a private act, intending for a third party to gain sexual gratification, without the person featured consenting to the third party seeing it is very much an offence under S67 (3) sexual offences act 2003 (voyeurism). Maximum sentence 2 years in prison. That would seem to cover this scenario.

OP - I have lurked on this thread with utter horror. I really feel for you and your DH has betrayed your trust in an unspeakable manner.

I read your latest post with interest. From an outsider looking in, he still doesn't seem to understand how much of a despicable betrayal of trust his actions were, or he is saying some of the words he think will get you to back down and for everything to go back to normal. Sadly, I feel it is the latter and I agree with others that his contriteness will slowly turn to anger.

He said he'd always loved the idea of me wanting to show my body off (to him) and the idea of me being sexually confident and basically wanted to show me off because he's proud of the way I look. I said that was all well and good but it's not his "body" to show off in the first place.

This is the bit that stands out to me the most. It actually looks to me like he is somewhat blaming you for his actions - aww, the poor man did it because he was proud of the way you looked, it's not his fault you're so attractive . A man who is proud of his wife's appearance pays her compliments, he does not upload pornography of her onto the internet for all and sundry to wank over without her knowledge! What staggers me the most is he knows you've suffered abuse during your childhood. He is either completely and utterly stupid, or (far more likely, IMO) he doesn't actually care about your thoughts or feelings as long as he satisfies his own wants .

Wishing you all the very best, OP. I am not going to shout and scream that you LTB, what I will say is that in your shoes I absolutely would LTB. I doubt I could ever love or respect a man that has done that and I would feel the marriage had been irreparably damaged as a result of his actions.

Good information wrinkly.
Not for op to go to police necessarily, but to demonstrate seriousness of what he did.

The reason people won't shut up about the police, is because the police have a really terrible record of telling women that no crime has been committed against them when they have been subjected to sexual crime, so the word of a serving police officer cannot be taken as gospel. Sorry, no disrespect, but there's just no getting round that. There was a report only last week (or was it the week before, I can't remember) about one force which was "no crime-ing" rapes and sexual assaults.

Some police forces are better than others on this. Some take sexual crimes more seriously than others.

In the case of the OP she doesn't want to go to the police so it's all academic. But there may be plenty of other women reading this thread who may find themselves in this situation at some point in the future and it's right that they are informed of all the options available, even if they don't want to use some of them.

And I still think MN needs to start a campaign for specific legislation on this so that it's much clearer to the police - many of them would love to do something about this but wrongly believe they can't because the legislation isn't clear enough.

Indeed, I would take the word of a specialist solicitor over a police officer, but that's just me. :)

In any case, OP, I think you should keep the legal option open, and enquire about it, in case you need to force your OH out of the house. The possibility of a legal case would probably be more damaging for him than for you.

You may not actually want to do it, but if he believes you will, he may be more likely to give you the space you need.

Also, as I mentioned before, in case you need to get a residency order or injunction, as his behaviour shows he cannot be trusted to share your intimacy.

If you seek legal advice, OP, (and you can get free advice) you don't have to commit to it, but you will be better armed to make choices.

my understanding is that individuals are referred to a specialist unit in relation to sexual offences because it is so difficult and specialised.

The OP should do what is best for the OP.

My x was very abusive to me, and I couldn't face going to the police because it would have been his word against mine, but in this case, the evidence is there. But I totally understand being unable to face it. Not just the police, but putting your face in to the vomit that is your life right now. I can imagine that going to the police to tell them your partner has done this that is a magnifying glass on your life alright. An intolerable one when you're struggling as is.......

But, the irony is, when you get your strength back for the final shake down in court as my friend calls it, you've lost your bargaining tool by not having gone to the police earlier. (physical abuse different I know as there 's no proof).

Vicar though what if the OP changes her mind or what if another women reading this has a similar issue and does feel she would like to approach the police about it. You have painted a very black and white view, the police won't be interested, I personally think that is inappropriate for a police officer to post that on a thread like this. I know absolutely nothing about the British law but someone who does has said it may not be as black and white as you said.

I am really sorry OP for pushing this point on your thread but I have no idea what way I would progress an issue like this in my life and I certainly would not want the door closed to a legal avenue before I made my decisions.

I have hugely, hugely admired your ability to keep calm and work through it I am hot head I would never have managed that. It is good that he is already realising the enormity of what he has done and is not sulking.

actually i am very happy to admit when i am wrong - and i have just looked into voyeurism legislation - this would indeed cover this particular instance.

the problem is that most things get filtered through response - now personally had i been tasked to investigate this particular scenario i would have sought advice - but i also know in my heart of heart that many beat bobbies would not.

i am very pro women reporting - but i genuinely couldnt see what piece of legislation covered this - it wasnt assault, but it does indeed come under voyeurism legislation and this could be used in similar circumstances.

i do however think that the law needs to be brought up to date to encompass the digital age - so many things now relate to the internet and so many things do not fall under specific legislation.

i realise this is all academic anyway as OP did not want police involvement - and i stand by what i said about respecting OPs wishes.

i am very happy to admit when i am wrong and i am very happy to educate myself.

I wonder why LessMissAbs didn't mention the voyeurism laws?

I always thought that the viewing of the person had to be done when they were doing something alone, ie in private and unaware of a watcher, for it to be voyeurism.
So, I'm another who didn't think OP's partner had done anything illegal. I'm glad to know the correct facts now.

And to reiterate, I also realise that OP does not want police involvement, I'm just discussing in general.

Good for you vicar. People are too often unwilling to admit a mistake, it's good to see you do that.

Ad it is useful for the OP to understand the kinds of challenges that she might face in reporting, in terms of evidence etc, so that if she did report, and if she did get a similar reaction, she would now be better informed and prepared.

Herdy I wonder why LessMissAbs didn't mention the voyeurism laws?

I'm not a criminal but a civil lawyer, I only know the basics (and definition of assault is very basic). I could have researched it, but while I really sympathise with the OP, I don't think its appropriate to self appoint myself as some kind of legal adviser.

LessMissAbs I understand that you wouldn't want to self appoint. I hope my post didn't come across otherwise.
Thanks for your reply.

We've been talking more. He fully understands how this has affected me and gets that it's been a big enough deal for me to walk out the door with the kids (or more accurately put him out on his arse). He's not been angry at all with me and has basically sat and took whatever verbal abuse I've thrown at him (and there has been quite a lot). I imagine it's not particularly nice to hear your partner of 18yrs call you a "fucking scumbag" but he took it.

cafesociety will be relieved to hear that I have not fallen face down, arse up, with my knickers at my ankles after a bottle of wine (which I necked on Friday night actually).

I don't think any of this has been about revenge porn or wanting to humiliate me the way some ex-partners do with their wives or girlfriends. It's been about him completely taking me for granted and not considering my feelings at all. Just expecting me to be good old reliable Cannot and take whatever I've been given. This past week has taught me that I'm actually a lot more able than I've given (or he's given me) credit for. I'm not afraid to be on my own with the kids, though it would be financially difficult, I would manage.

So we're taking things baby steps. I don't want to walk out on 18yrs. But any decision I make from now on will be based on what's best for me and what I want and not because I'm worried about what OH, or my parents or my family will think. If he can't cope with that going forward then he will be out on his arse.

Good for you. I am pleased you are feeling strong and in control, this how it should be.

Some posters will tell you that he is insincere, or that there is no way at all you two can get through this. I'm sure you know MN well enough to pick out what's helpful for you, and not be pushed either way. Good luck, and stay strong :)

Glad to see you back OP and it sounds like you have taken some really positive steps in your discussions and your mindset.

I hope that you and your children have a lovely Christmas

He's not been angry at all with me and has basically sat and took whatever verbal abuse I've thrown at him (and there has been quite a lot). I imagine it's not particularly nice to hear your partner of 18yrs call you a "fucking scumbag" but he took it

tbh a bit of insulting someone for what he did is pretty mild. Who cares if its not nice for him to hear? When you compare it to what he did. Different people's boundaries lie in different places, I know for me this would be an absolute deal breaker and completely unacceptable, splitting up the family or not. I suspect he knows where your boundaries lie and has made a calculated risk. He has, in fact, got away with it.