Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

MFC because I bloody knew he was a fake, wind your neck in FFS

It's NOT harmless Merry. People are sharing their personal, painful experiences for some random to get their jollys. Giving it head space and taking time to offer support. It's not harmless when next time someone who really needs support won't get it whole heartedly because people are wary after threads from the likes of this chump.

AND I bet he's laughing his arse off right now at the squabbling that's ensued

it was obvious it was fake the OP wasnt interested in solutions and most tellingly his children

People should only share what they are happy to put on a public website. Getting so angry on their behalf shows too much investment in the ridiculous ramblings of an inadequate. The internet is full of 'em, poster beware.

I don;t understand the vitriol before the unmasking or the "aha the bastard" after. As trolls go it wasn't particularly inventive or interesting, didn't try to extort money and wasn't even particularly emotionally vampyric (IMO).

All just a bit "Meh"

I am a bit concerned about fifty's blood pressure though.

and what MFC said above (or below if thats your bag)

My blood pressure is perfectly fine thank you. WTAF makes your opinions any better than mine?

Minnie, an IP address in unique to the computer. So people registering on MN (for example) on the same computer, regardless of what ID they choose or how many different email addresses they have, will still have that unique IP address as an identifier....hope you understand that now

Not necessarily. Some people have static IPs, but some internet providers - AOL was the famous one - have dynamic proxy IPs, which means you get a new one every time you connect to the internet. And you can also use a proxy IP address if web savvy enough, which means your true IP is masked and a fake one used - which needn't even be from the same country. An IP is a useful tool in many cases, but it isn't unique to the computer in question (I've known two people in different countries be allocated the same AOL IP months apart in the past, as that was their provider and AOL worked that way - that was a weird one!) and it doesn't always mean one IP per person. In addition, if there are several computers attached to one small network they'll all share an IP. It can cause problems, in fact, if the IPs conflict.

WTAF makes your opinions any better than mine?

Probably the lack of troll-hunting, tbh.

Didn't think the OP was remotely genuine either, which was why I didn't post on the thread. Troll-hunting has happened before when someone was very much genuine and extremely vulnerable, just dealing with a surreal set of circumstances. That's why it's banned.

Perfect example of shooting the messenger going on here.

It's not simply the troll hunting though. Responses like "I hope your cock rots off etc" are not the response of someone in control of their disproportionate anger.

That would only be the case if we all believed the OP was genuine,sparkly

Oh I didn't see that one . Yes perhaps a bit OTT.

Your personal attacks were worse than some harmless wankers mild cuckold fantasy

It IS harmful in the same way that flashing and public masterbation is both offensive and harmful.

OP was basically involving everyone on this board in his sexual fantasies without their consent. Not to mention getting people to post their own personal stories for his own enjoyment.

If you think 50's behaviour was worse than this, I can only surmise there is no hope for you.

Sparkly I think quiet hints that someone is not on the level, to stop anyone getting hurt, is one thing. What happened here is another. I mean, it was the trollish phrasing rather than the events described that made me go on this, but reacting so extremely is giving the reaction s/he presumably wanted to begin with. So it's actually feeding it if faked, as well as unfair on the remote (very, very remote here, I agree) offchance it was legit. It can be really distressing when troll hunting happens when it isn't so clear-cut. I've winced before, because if someone was genuinely in those straits and being attacked and sneered at then it compounds their situation badly. I dunno. I don't think it's ever helpful when taken to vehement lengths.

Sparkly, there was more besides, and worse than that. All deleted now, I expect

If people hate trolls so much, they need to understand that giving them such a lively response is just what they want

What trolls, like all attention seekers, hate the most is to be ignored

Yes. That.

They literally lap up being called names and sworn at. It makes their wanking hands literally move faster. And really people, stop sharing intimate details of your sex lives on a public website, they are open to all kinds of inadequates who google search for their own particular fave key phrases. Even more when it's mummies talking dirty....

Not as harmful as when people get it wrong, some people think their trolldar is never wrong

Ive seen more than once on the bereavement threads and its turned out the op has been genuine.

God, how awful. That's bad enough on Relationships, but on Bereavement? I can't imagine how that must be for the person in question - to lose a loved one, then be accused of inventing it.

Nobody's trolldar is infallible, no. And while this was IMO a really obvious one, the attacks were just feeding the troll anyway. Lose on either side of the fence.

Unfortunately some posters have also been taken in by trolls, only to find out thats what they are months later. It can make people very weary as well.

ITs also then hard for new posters as all the talk of trolls makes you worry that people may not believe you. Trolls and trolling are bloody awful.

Troll-hunting annoys me far more than trolling (although I certainly would prefer it if neither existed), and is far more insidious. You think someone's not real, just report it straight away. Otherwise keep schtumm and don't risk deeply offending someone in a difficult situation. Even bridge-dweller OP threads generate a lot of valuable advice that might well be useful to people doing archive searches later on.

"What trolls, like all attention seekers, hate the most is to be ignored" Quite.

"I honestly dont give a shite if an op is genuine or not, what I cant stand is troll hunting"

I did. Took 24 hours before anything happened.

And I don't think it's ok to "not give a shite if op is genuine" on threads like this, that's what gives the false OP the oxygen and kicks they seek. And I think it's even worse to attack those who have got the wit to see the troll, as that just means the whole thing carries on far longer.

I did report, I mean.