Discovered wife's affair - advice please

[husbandwhowantstostaymarried]

Hello. Never posted on here before.

Married 10 years, two boys at primary school.

Over the past few years I've had job problems and am currently working in Edinburgh from Monday to Friday and am only at home near Carlisle at weekends.

My wife has made a good friend of a man who came to do some work about the house and I know (I have seen emails between them which were subsequently deleted) that they are having a sexual affair. The wording left it in no doubt whatsoever. This has been going on for six weeks and it's clear she loves him and is having better sex than she does with me. It's also clear that he's doing a little bit of the old treat'em'mean act by not responding to all her emails and not always coming round when he says.

My wife talks about this man as if he is a friend and I am trying not to sound jealous. I don't want to drive her closer into his embrace. I want to save my marriage. I am trying to get a contract working nearer home. Wife and me are in our mid-40s, he is late 30s.

Advice, please.

I don't have anyone I can talk to - no close male friends, I can't talk to anyone in my family because I really, really don't want them falling out with my wife (if my parents found out, there would be hell to pay).

Thanks

You said that you don't think the resolution (in respect to access to children/house/financial obligations) would be satisfactory for either you your wife.

I said that is the fact that your builder is fucking your wife satisfactory for either you or your wife?

OP

You seem trapped in a binary system where
confrontation = divorce
silence = saved mariage

We are all saying it is not so. Until you address the issue, you have nothing to forgive anyone for anything.

This thread is allowing you to deflect your energy from your marital problems. You argue with strangers and make excuses: Christmas, kids, now work party.

Yes, Frequent, you're right. I need to address the issue in some way. There will never be a good time.

Albert

Well, leaving aside the question of any personal satisfaction for either of us, it's probably more satisfactory for us both than a divorce, the two of us not talking or being friends any more, neither of us having our home any more, and the children knowing we're no longer together.

Really?
If you don't confront then you can't begin to fix it/can't begin to heal.
For goodness sake, you are analysing how your wife feels to you during sex to try and ascertain if she has recently been intimate with another man. This way madness lies. You can't save your relationship by continuing on this path.

Would you allow a friend to lie to you, abuse your trust, laugh at you, undermine you and disrespect you without pulling them up on it?
While this festers inside you it is impossible to maintain a marriage, a friendship, any of it.
I have a divorce where we are civil, we discuss the children, we both spend time with them, my and the children's relationship woth exILs is excellent and regular visits. We both have nice (though not 'as nice') homes.
The children do know we're not together, like many of their peers' parents. It was a tough time. We are all OK now.

Who said that by confronting her your marriage will automatically end in divorce?

She any want to work things out as much as you do. But right now she couldn't give a shit about you. Show your wife this is unacceptable! Do you really think it's ok for her to treat you like this? Do you think it's ok to show your children that it's ok to be deceitful and dishonest? It wasn't til I met my husband that I learnt to apologise for my actions and feel remorse because I never witnessed it growing up!

Momb, your first point. True. Madness approaches. Second point. Yes, if they were important enough to me.

Cocky. Good point. But I'm just so worried that it might. And, no, what I want to show my children is that it's the right thing to do to gloss over problems and to put a brave face on things.

Momb. Additional problem is, my mother would completely go off the deep end with my wife and spoil things for herself. And not help things for me.

husband I have read this thread aghast

If you talk to her now, there is a chance you can save this marriage

If you do not talk to her, I will bet my mortgage that it will end in divorce. Either because she will leave you for this man - or the next one. Or because the pain and bitterness will eventually eat you up and you'll leave

You have to talk to her

Bitout, You're right, I need to talk to her- not necessarily to "say something", but to TALK to her.

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all your reports and your kind support for the OP.

Unfortunately we have reason to believe he isn't genuine.

Having said that, troll hunting still breaks talk guidelines, and we'd appreciate it if posters could bear this in mind on future threads .

I have never been one to say 'I told you so' but...I did

Come on then op? Respond to that..... You responded to all others.

Sometimes 50 it's just sport. I don't feel the need to help all the time. It can and was rather funny.

Yes Minnie, I stopped posting as a few on here flamed me, but I did continue to read with amusement! It was glaringly obvious to me and a few others

WTAF!?!

Hog, he said he was a solicitor....but clearly it's immaterial now as he's been busted!

Personally all I can do is assume someone is genuine. I take people at face value. It's how I live my life. If I get caught out by that I never feel put out because those values are important to me.

I like to give benefit. Id hate it to be true and flamed as sometimes truth is weirder than fiction! You were a bit strong once or twice but overall just added to the whole shebang.

Dammit will have to find another thread now.

Op you disappoint. A response would have been brilliant!