Am I losing my mind

[diddle]

I really dislike these one sided threads where you'll only hear my opinion but I will be very honest.
Dh and I have been together for 10 yrs, 3 children in 3 years. He works very hard to support us, while I am a Sahm recently started my own business to try and contribute. I take care of the kids, house etc, Dh takes care of financial side of things. He is often stressed with work and a little short tempered as can I be after a hard day. When he's with the kids he can be great and he loves them dearly.
But we have issues, the common lack of sex, I am shattered after a day looking after house and family, then work in the evenings too. I don't have much confidence when it comes to sex, husbands always instigates and complains about this often, I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me (often kids) it doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood. If he suggest sex an I say no, I'm so tired or don't fancy it, he tells me I'm controlling, and why is it always on my terms. I have tried hard to satisfy his needs in This area.
He says he feels unloved because I don't show affection to him without him instigating, which I can understand, but if I dared to say that I don't feel compelled to show affection because he is always ordering me about, he'd accuse me of turning it around to be all about me. (Still following all this?)
Enough scene setting, last night i had said that yep lets have sex tonight when he suggested it, id been sat down on the sofa for 10 mins (hubbie had been asleep on the sofa) while I had cleared and tidied the kitchen and tea time things, sorted out washing etc. then he says, I'm going to bed are you coming, I said I've just got a drink as only been sat down for ten mins I'll be up in a bit. I go to bed 30 mins later and he's "asleep" I quietly get into bed and after a few mins he turns over and comments, I guess you don't want sex after all and accuses me of lying. Cue a few cross words and him storming off downstairs. I fall asleep.
This morning was awful. Big atmosphere, chuntering about me making all the decisions and not showing him love. I suggest taking the kids out, says he's not coming and actually tells the kids that he might not be here when they get back (as in leaving us) and to ask me why as it's my fault! I feel like I'm going mad, I'm doing all I can to support him, I could definitely be more affectionate, I know that it's a big issue. Feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL, he would flip if someone we know knew about our business. Help!!!!

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a bully, he's the controlling one making demands on you constantly.

Sex is not a chore, you should both be up for it, in a healthy loving relationship you shouldn't be scared to approach your partner for fear he'll go off on one.

Sex should not be like a sword hanging over you.

You have every right to control who and when you have sex, if he's so desperate he could try & be loving to you & pull his weight in the home so you won't be so exhausted all the time, or he could sort himself out.

He sounds like an utter arsehole.

The first time my H used the kids in that way would be the last, I am afraid

That really is emotional blackmail of the lowest kind and I would personally take that as a sign that communicationn had irretrievably broken down

Are you meant to drop your knickers after he pulled a stunt like that ?

He is either terminally stupid or respects you and the kids so little he would throw a bomb into their security just to get his end away. Neither of those are compatible with a functioning relationship

perhaps you should pack his bags and invite him to fuck off for good. See how he likes them apples.

He sounds hard work. A real martyr.

Can only agree with the posters above. This man is controlling and bullying. He projects his behaviour on to you when he calls you controlling.

And as for what he said to the children. It is manipulating and mean. He is abusive and you don't have to put up with it.

He is prepared to openly unsettle your kids because you didn't drop your knickers last night when he clicked his fingers? Mmm he's a catch!

How have things been for the rest of the day? This evening?

Hi I'm sorry to read this post. Do you think he may feel insecure about your relationship? A lot of men equate the success of their relationship in terms of sexual intimacy. Men quite often feel intimate and happy when they're having sex. Whereas women generally need to feel intimate already to have sex. Your hubby is obviously good with the kids but feels distance with you. Can you sit down with him and talk to him? It's hard to be open about these things but men and women really do have different approaches! Hope this helps!

What he said to the kids was a disgrace and you need to have strong words with him about that.

That aside, I think the sex thing has become a vicious circle for the two of you - his moods put you off, he gets moody because you don't initiate things and takes it out on you by being over demanding and picky.

My view might not a popular one but if you can get round this reluctance to initiate sex, you will find the relationship will improve.

When he says he feels unloved because you don't start things, he means it, he literally doesn't feel loved or desired. Like any human, he still fancies you and he wants you to fancy him - he doesn't want you having sex just to make him happy - he wants you to want it too.

I think once you two have talked things over and you make it clear that you won't tolerate him talking to the kids like that, you should try and make time for sex and you be the instigator. That means leaving the tidying up for next day and making him your focus - just do it once a week and I can guarantee the bossing around will stop and he'll be pulling his weight with the housework.

Have you read the same thread clickers? He is not obviously good with kids. He told the kids he may not be back which must have been incredibly confusing and scary for them. That's not even remotely being good with kids.

She has already said she has tried speaking to him and he won't take any responsibility for his actions and blames it all on her and thinks she is the one with the problem.

And he doesn't just have a problem with her. He also has a problem pulling his weight and actually contributing to family and home life, preferring in stead to order her to the work

Things have been awful all day. I've had the week from hell. Breast ultrasound Monday (all fine) anniversary of a sexual assault (many years ago) and now this cheap. I have felt very low all week, which isn't like me, to the point where I feel like I'm in a bubble of sadness and can't shake it off. Dh asked what he could do. I said just be nice to me - now this. I've spent hours this evening sobbing and doubting myself. I told him before he wen t to bed that I knew I needed to be a better wife and I was going to sort it out. He said it won't make any difference now "he's done" I am exhausted and so sad. I don't see leaving as an option. These blips don't flare up weekly, is just occasional.

You will never be able to be a better wife (and believe me that is not what you want to strive to be) because he will constantly move the goalposts further away. This is what controlling men do.

Please don't try and do that. You will become a shadow of who you could be. This man doesn't deserve you. Really he doesn't.

Oh diddle how awful. Really awful. And he was aware of the anniversary? Or just that you were feeling low? I'm sorry but I think he's a bully. I think you sound a little depressed, OP. And I'm afraid that because you are in a bubble. A bubble of zero support, and trying to do the impossible. Your H seems to think we are still in the 1950s. Can you go stay somewhere for a week with the dc for 'time out'?

Great lost chelseabun, I was about to write something similar.

Hubby and I now have a fantastic sex life but it wasn't always so. In a nutshell, hubby felt like a sex pest. He wanted me, he wanted feel like I wanted him as he felt like we weren't close. He saw sex as a way to get close, I saw sex as something we do when we are close!

So, what worked for us was everyday genuine affection. For example, how many people come home from work and know the world will stop for 30 secs when their partner looks deep into their eyes, says 'I love you and really missed you today' before having a proper bear hug. That should happen every day without fail, whether that look of love and a hug and kiss happen then, or another time.

If both partners feel affection and closeness in the day even if there is no sex then no sex won't be as big an issue as it is now.

You can if like look to blame your husband or see him as controlling etc, or you can try to see it from his side and try to work together to put things right. This forum is great for attracting ranting women for whom all men are evil, very short in good practical advice on how to fix things. Good marriages aren't made in heaven nor do they happen by accident, they need 2 people to remember why they love each other rather than holding on to the bad stuff and to work through the tough times.

If he's worth it, work on both trying to feel closer every day. A hug and expression of love isn't tiring even if sex is off the cards.

*lost = post!

I'm fuming about his diddums behaviour and so should you be. diddle, your last post saddened me.

All you asked was for him to be nice after your shit week and he couldn't manage it. Things have to change, don't they?

What scallops said

I thought he was leaving anyway. He told the kids he was. "Good dads" always tell the truth to their kids.

he should be gone when they get up, right ? Can't be having mixed messages now.

The Stepford Wives always pop up on threads like this, OP

Don't try and turn yourself into one for a man like this. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. How did your kids react when he told them he was leaving ? What will they think when they still see his mardy face still there at the breakfast table, and mummy trying to put a brave smile on hers ? You think they don't see ? Think again.

This isn't about sex. This is about this man's expectations to be serviced despite not actually giving any emotional support to the OP. It is about his sense of entitlement that he can order his wife around, not help her out and still expects sex.

This man is doing nothing to help improve his sex life and to help his wife yet people are saying that she should take on that responsibility too?

What you describe has all the hallmarks of abuse OP. Emotional abusers always kick you hardest when you are already down, it gives them more control. You promising to try harder to be a better wife? URghhh

He has thrown a nuclear bomb casually into his children's lives, been a tosser to you when you especially asked for his love and support, and thrown a tantrum when you are too tired from doing all the household chores to have sex on demand and too demoralised by his attitude and behaviour towards you. A good father and husband? Don't make me laugh. He sounds demanding, draining and depressing. If I were you I'd take him at his word and ask him to leave while you think about what you want to do about this.

You need to start to think about leaving as an option because if you don't your life might end up permanently depressing you.

Have you tried or suggested counselling? Only if you want to, obviously?

I think its good to hear a wide range of views from other posters. There are options other than the classic LTB response .

Scallops, I did read the post and the OP said he was good with the kids and loved them. But I do agree that his comment about leaving is appalling.

Forgot to add that LTB might well be the right option. .

In addition to everything everyone said, what do you mean he takes care of the financial side of things? Do you have equal access to money?

I'd be inclined to call him off on his threat and give him my full support on leaving.

The only chance you have of getting him to be at least decent towards you is for you to be prepared to split. He knows you're hooked and don't want it, so he knows he can do whatever and treat you however he pleases. :(

Take that control off him.

I did read the post and the OP said he was good with the kids and loved them

Abused women almost always say that, at least at first. It proves nothing.

Anyway, what the OP said was: "He is often stressed with work and a little short tempered as can I be after a hard day. When he's with the kids he can be great and he loves them dearly."

He can be great is not the same as he is great.

His treatment of the children's mother, and what he said to the children is not being good with the kids or loving them. Who does that to a child? It can seriously damage them emotionally.

Wow! Stressed after work and short tempered! That's me too! ( and I suspect the majority of people)

The sex issue is the main point. He want it she doesn't. Communication required! Maybe he's under the false illusion that SAHMs need to do everything in the home? In which case he needs telling!

The stress and the sex are the only points you took from the OP's posts, really?

What about what he said to the children and the way he treats her in general regarding the house chores? While he does nothing at home, but takes care of the financial side (pays bills and what else?)