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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I losing my mind

158 replies

diddle · 01/12/2013 23:49

I really dislike these one sided threads where you'll only hear my opinion but I will be very honest.
Dh and I have been together for 10 yrs, 3 children in 3 years. He works very hard to support us, while I am a Sahm recently started my own business to try and contribute. I take care of the kids, house etc, Dh takes care of financial side of things. He is often stressed with work and a little short tempered as can I be after a hard day. When he's with the kids he can be great and he loves them dearly.
But we have issues, the common lack of sex, I am shattered after a day looking after house and family, then work in the evenings too. I don't have much confidence when it comes to sex, husbands always instigates and complains about this often, I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me (often kids) it doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood. If he suggest sex an I say no, I'm so tired or don't fancy it, he tells me I'm controlling, and why is it always on my terms. I have tried hard to satisfy his needs in This area.
He says he feels unloved because I don't show affection to him without him instigating, which I can understand, but if I dared to say that I don't feel compelled to show affection because he is always ordering me about, he'd accuse me of turning it around to be all about me. (Still following all this?)
Enough scene setting, last night i had said that yep lets have sex tonight when he suggested it, id been sat down on the sofa for 10 mins (hubbie had been asleep on the sofa) while I had cleared and tidied the kitchen and tea time things, sorted out washing etc. then he says, I'm going to bed are you coming, I said I've just got a drink as only been sat down for ten mins I'll be up in a bit. I go to bed 30 mins later and he's "asleep" I quietly get into bed and after a few mins he turns over and comments, I guess you don't want sex after all and accuses me of lying. Cue a few cross words and him storming off downstairs. I fall asleep.
This morning was awful. Big atmosphere, chuntering about me making all the decisions and not showing him love. I suggest taking the kids out, says he's not coming and actually tells the kids that he might not be here when they get back (as in leaving us) and to ask me why as it's my fault! I feel like I'm going mad, I'm doing all I can to support him, I could definitely be more affectionate, I know that it's a big issue. Feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL, he would flip if someone we know knew about our business. Help!!!!Hmm

OP posts:
TheVermiciousGrinch · 02/12/2013 18:07

I agree with your first sentence, Chelsea. I think where we differ is that, from the OP's posts, I think it's pretty clear that her husband would get arsey. He already tells her to do the ironing, tidy up etc! It doesn't sound like he pitches in at all with the housework.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 02/12/2013 18:21

OP, your husband is very controlling, bullying and abusive, and you on the other hand sound completely run-ragged with it all.

Am I surprised you are not throwing yourself at him? I think you know the answer to that.
With a man like this, I think whatever you do will never be good enough because he sounds like a selfish spoiled little boy.
FWIW, I am a SAHM, my DH works extremely hard, and we do roughly the same amount of housework and cooking etc.

ToTheTeeth · 02/12/2013 18:51

why is her desire not to have sex less important than his desire to have it?

Because when you marry you make a vow to have sex with someone.

Because sex is a glue that cements and strengthens relationships.

Because sex is what distinguishes lovers and husbands and wives from any old partnership.

Because people who have gone off the idea of sex often find that just starting to do it again really does fix their libido.

Because constant rejection of someone is cruel.

Because men do need sex to feel loved.

Because sex is not a chore but a mutually pleasurable way to relax and enhance ourselves and our loved ones.

Now that doesn't mean to say someone should always put out. If the OP's DH is a twunt than of course she's rejecting him and she should go the whole hog and leave the bastard. But she has to recognise that withholding sex is cold and in many circumstances emotionally abusive. If she thinks her DH deserves that then fine...

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 02/12/2013 19:07

Hmm at ToTheTeeth.

Are you for real?

TheNorthWitch · 02/12/2013 19:08

I think witholding sex is in many circumstances the actions of an emotionally unhappy woman who is not being treated right by her partner. Who feels sexy towards someone who is treating you like shit - as if your needs are unimportant? Not me that's for sure. I know we can't say from just the OP's post whether her DH is an abuser but that was a pretty rotten thing he said to the DC's - he feels unloved so gets nasty and spiteful with the children - what a sweetie he is!

And the question of whether he is abusive or not is the crucial one because if he is no amount of effort on the part of the OP will change the fundamental problem that he feels entitled to get what he wants, when he wants and if he doesn't he is entitled to lash out - even at the children.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 19:12

I think her husband "deserves that" and very much more.

scallopsrgreat · 02/12/2013 19:59

I'll say it again. This isn't about sex. That is just a symptom. It is about his sense of entitlement. Pestering for sex, doing nothing round the house, manipulating the children is all about him controlling the OP. Even when the OP said she wanted sex it couldn't be when she wanted it. It had to be on his terms when he wanted it. This. Is. All. About. Control.

The man is abusive. There is no compromising with abusive men.

Lweji · 02/12/2013 20:18

Indeed the lack sexual desire brought up by the attitudes of your OH, OP, is a symptom of how badly you feel in this marriage.
Do you actually enjoy sex with him, or do you end up agreeing to it just to keep the peace?

I do think you need to be prepared to end this marriage. If you are, he may just get the wake up call he needs. Or he may get worse, in which case, you will need to leave.

sicily1921 · 02/12/2013 20:55

Hi Diddle I am so sorry you are having such an awful time and I recognise a lot of what you are saying about the sex/exhaustion/controlling isssues.

Would I be correct in thinking that he gets understanding and sympathy from you at times because he has such a hard/stressful job? If so , do you feel you get the same in return? If the answer is 'no' and from what you say it sounds like it might be then I suggest you have a long hard think and a talk to him about the essential issues you have written here. Otherwise I don't see a way forward for you at the moment. Does he realise how mind numbingly shattering being a SAHM can be, the relentlessness of it? How old are the children, can they help in any way? Does he ask them to help you (this is one thing that really annoys me about my DH, he hardly ever asks the DCs to help me) It is as if you are expected to be superwoman doing absolutely everything Essentially, as he's a man perhaps he needs to know that it's not that you essentially don't want sex ( I presume you do want some!) but that you rather lie down in a field of buttercups than a field of cow dung and mud. In other words, he's got to be more pleasant, less ordering and controlling in day to day life and appreciate that you work hard aswell as him. I think he also needs to be apologising profusely for his terrible outburst infront of the kids.

I hope this helps a bit and I really hope things improve OP.Flowersas I'm sure you deserve them.

Golddigger · 02/12/2013 21:50

I end up feeling very sorry for posters who come onto the relationships board.
There are many of them who do not want to leave their husbands or partners.
This op has said "I dont see leaving as an option".

Yet so often that is not respected.

Lweji · 02/12/2013 21:53

Sometimes what people think they want is not the best for them.

That's why it's good to listen to different points of view, Gold.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 22:11

Gold, you would be surprised what some people really want, deep down. Even if they can't allow themselves to articulate it yet.

wontletmesignin · 02/12/2013 22:22

What was the relationship like when you had sex frequently?

I have to agree, he does sound controlling.
But is it possible, that it is resentment?

childandmother · 02/12/2013 22:43

Well he's said it all - that it's too late - so why are you wasting tears on him? Can't believe he put you in such an awful position in front of the kids. It's so evil because the last thing you want to be doing is talking sex between mama and papa to less than 10 year olds. AND he knows that.

clam · 02/12/2013 23:27

Totheteeth "Because when you marry you make a vow to have sex with someone."
Which specific vow are you referring to? I don't recall saying that in church.
I do, however, remember us vowing to love, honour and cherish each other. I'm wondering if the OP's h has forgotten that bit.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 02/12/2013 23:29

Thankfully, since the relatively recent 1991, it is no longer compulsory for a woman to have sex with a bloke, even if he is her husband.

Lazyjaney · 03/12/2013 07:46

^^
That's beside the point, the issue the OP is now facing is that there are inevitably consequences to shutting up shop.

"Gold, you would be surprised what some people really want, deep down. Even if they can't allow themselves to articulate it yet"

And there is a small but vociferous group on MN Relationships who will tell them what they do really want deep down, even if they say they don't, and tell them over and over again, and hound anyone who has a different view off the thread for good measure.

Where is the OP btw?

Golddigger · 03/12/2013 07:53

An op may yet again have been frightened off.

I have started a thread for people and situations like this.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/1928751-Recommendations-please-for-not-leaving-the-bastard

Lweji · 03/12/2013 08:42

If the advice to stay will effectively maintain the OP in a situation of abuse, that advice will certainly be challenged.

Good friends will tell you the truth, or what they think is the best solution. They will challenge you if necessary.
Yes people are not necessarily the best people to have around, even if they feel comfortable at the time

The advice to talk and be nice and get the groove on will only cause the person to keep walking in circles and to dig themselves deeper.

In a relationship we should always be prepared to go. It should always be an option.
The other person should know that if we keep walking into Walls that we will walk away.

This man is not prepared to work it out with you, OP, he's already threatening to leave you in front of the children.
Listen to him.

If he's not prepared to work at the marriage why should you be the only one? It's an awful position to be in and it can only lead to your misery, as well as the children's.
Will he keep threatening to leave so you tow the line? Where will it stop?

Lweji · 03/12/2013 08:45

The OP may have left the thread at this time. She may well start a new one later on, and she can even come back in a couple of years and tell us that she has finally LTB and she's very happy.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 08:51

How long have you been a member of MN, gold ?

Golddigger · 03/12/2013 09:04

You can search me Mist.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 03/12/2013 09:20

Why would I search you when I can ask a simple question ? I was wondering if you have been around these parts long enough to witness that many, many posters make several threads like this, admit they don't post until things are desperate, have several attempts to leave before they succeed and come back to admit they wish they had taken the prevailing advice much, much sooner.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/12/2013 09:27

Oh good, you started it in Chat.

inadreamworld · 03/12/2013 09:30

I am not defending him and do think he sounds like a bully - but just one thought which could make you rethink - does he like his job? If he really really hates his job and is very stressed (I don't just mean normal tiredness after a long day) then this could be a reason for his unreasonable behaviour. Not an excuse for it and I think you need to talk to him when the kids are not around and try to be honest with each other. If this communication can't happen then I agree with the other posters he is a dead loss.

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