Am I losing my mind

[diddle]

I really dislike these one sided threads where you'll only hear my opinion but I will be very honest.
Dh and I have been together for 10 yrs, 3 children in 3 years. He works very hard to support us, while I am a Sahm recently started my own business to try and contribute. I take care of the kids, house etc, Dh takes care of financial side of things. He is often stressed with work and a little short tempered as can I be after a hard day. When he's with the kids he can be great and he loves them dearly.
But we have issues, the common lack of sex, I am shattered after a day looking after house and family, then work in the evenings too. I don't have much confidence when it comes to sex, husbands always instigates and complains about this often, I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me (often kids) it doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood. If he suggest sex an I say no, I'm so tired or don't fancy it, he tells me I'm controlling, and why is it always on my terms. I have tried hard to satisfy his needs in This area.
He says he feels unloved because I don't show affection to him without him instigating, which I can understand, but if I dared to say that I don't feel compelled to show affection because he is always ordering me about, he'd accuse me of turning it around to be all about me. (Still following all this?)
Enough scene setting, last night i had said that yep lets have sex tonight when he suggested it, id been sat down on the sofa for 10 mins (hubbie had been asleep on the sofa) while I had cleared and tidied the kitchen and tea time things, sorted out washing etc. then he says, I'm going to bed are you coming, I said I've just got a drink as only been sat down for ten mins I'll be up in a bit. I go to bed 30 mins later and he's "asleep" I quietly get into bed and after a few mins he turns over and comments, I guess you don't want sex after all and accuses me of lying. Cue a few cross words and him storming off downstairs. I fall asleep.
This morning was awful. Big atmosphere, chuntering about me making all the decisions and not showing him love. I suggest taking the kids out, says he's not coming and actually tells the kids that he might not be here when they get back (as in leaving us) and to ask me why as it's my fault! I feel like I'm going mad, I'm doing all I can to support him, I could definitely be more affectionate, I know that it's a big issue. Feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL, he would flip if someone we know knew about our business. Help!!!!

the H is not going to leave, he has a cook, cleaner, housekeeper, breeder, childminder and sex pretty much on tap so why should he?

The only ones to gain from him going is not actually him so he's not gonna leave.

I think there can be problems in relationships with non abusive men that can be sorted by seeing the other point of view, making more effort etc., improving communication and so on. The difficulty is that if you are with an abuser then the sensible advice is worthless because you are not dealing with someone who is going to meet you halfway and see that their behaviour also needs to change. Couple counselling is not recommended for women in abusive relationships for this reason - there is no incentive on his part to improve and often he only uses the sessions as further means for abuse.

It can also be difficult to spot an abuser as they can be very subtle and manipulative and until the abused wakes up and sees what is going on they can be blind to the tricks being played upon them and think it is all their fault. Abusers usually practice their dark arts over the years while normal people do not so it's not surprising it can take a while for them to see the light. I would advise OP to read up on the tactics of abusers - once you are aware of them it's much easier to spot what they're doing.

I'm certainly not aggressive

Anybody who gives advice you disagree with is aggressive? ha ha.

Well, Anniegetyourgun I guess your post sums it up. It's the difference between wanting to maintan a marriage at all costs, at the cost of your happiness and mental health and self-respect, and, wanting an equal partnership. There is a huge difference.

Please let me make this clear - I am not suggesting the OP should SUBMIT to sex as it has so quaintly been called. From what I can gather she has been submitting. And I find that repugnant.

I suggest she stop "submitting" because that is demeaning to her and to him.

I suggest she find ways to get her libido back and that she start initiating sex because she is in the mood for sex, not because she wants to be a "better wife".

She won't get "in the mood for sex" while her husband is behaving as he is.

What is your solution to that, Chelsea ? Something else that OP should do herself ?

You keep saying this Chelsea, it doesn't make any more sense with repetition.

The OP won't get her libido back while she's run ragged and her husband treats her like he does.

OP has made it clear why she does not instigate sex helloooo

" I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered "

Mist, my solution is, as I said before, is to let the household chores take a backseat and focus on her relationship - a relationship that, after her children, should be the most important relationship in her life.

I totally understand that her husband's behaviour is a turn off so no, she should not be instigating anything while he's like that. However I'm presuming he isn't a total misery 24 hours a day and there are times when the two of them are getting on.

As I said before, the two of them are in a vicious cycle and the cycle needs to be broken before things will improve.

There doesn't seem to be much advice for the Op on what she can do to improve things - just a lot of posts about how awful he is. Awful he maybe but Op married him - I'm gonna presume he wasn't always like this?

Perhaps instead of going to bed the OP's H could have stayed up and asked OP how she was after her scan and her difficult week? Created some intimacy and shown some care.

Perhaps she would leave the washing up and instigate sex if she didn't think she'd get told off by him?

I could not get aroused for a man who ordered me to tidy up or who sulked and scared our children.

How do you get 'your groove back' when the person you sleep with treats you like shit?

Chelsea, how do you think this bloke will react to her "letting the household chores take a back seat" ? He already gives her a hard time when they are not to his satisfaction.

You don't seem to understand that every post you make involves OP "changing" and no responsibility is required from him.

bleedingheart, you can't get your groove back when the person you sleep with treats you like shit.

Sadly, as I said before, I think this man is acting out this way because he is resentful of OP's disinterest in him sexually. I don't agree with it but I've witnessed it countless times before and the situation doesn't improve if it's ignored.

It gets worse and then you get the posts on here from women who say they've been in a loveless/sexless relationship for years and they fear for the future.

If I've got this wrong and he really is just a sexist pig and has always been like this, then all I can say is I don't hold out much hope for this marriage.

Actually Chelsea the OP asked if she is losing her mind, Well she isn't she's unfortunately marred to a manipulative abusive bully.

Have you read the OP at all Chelsea, the H has very exacting standard's of cleanliness which he expects his wife to meet, he also expects her to instigate sex altho she's too afraid to as he might be snappy or angry, he expects her to have sex immediately and show a good measure of enthusiasm for it regardless of the time she is having, she told him she was feeling fragile and needed a bit of understanding that week and this is how he responded.
He abuses the children by telling them he might not be home and its their mothers fault.

OP needs to know this is not right, this man is not a amazing and wonderful man who she should be grateful to have in her life.

He sounds utterly horrible.

But chelsea what's the point 'improving' the situation on the outside if it's making the OP feel like she's losing her mind?

I've been in the OP's shoes and yeh you can fake it, you can go robo-pilot for long periods and maybe get a pat on the head, and be told that "we're getting on really well now", but you know that he only thinks that cos 1) he doesn't care about what you want, 2) all his needs are met, 3) he is actually so lacking in insight, and knows you so little that he can believe you are happy because you stop speaking up for yourself and just submit to his every whim and demand for a quiet life.................. what is the point of "improving" that situation???? The truth is that you're not improving the situation you're improving the facade.

Mist, I can guarantee this man's reaction will be one of absolute delight that his wife is showing him she still fancies him. Ask any man what would they prefer? A clean shirt or a randy wife?

He isn't giving her a hard time over housework because he expects a clean home, he is giving her a hard time over housework because he wants her to notice him.

As I've said before, I'm giving suggestions to the OP because it is she who is posting. Therefore if she makes one change, it is likely to have a knock on effect in a positive way to the relationship and he will start changing in his attitude and his support of her.

Umpire I agree with you - I have been in that situation and I was relieved when it was finally over.

So maybe the answer is divorce for this particular couple? I thought the OP was looking for suggestions on how to save the marriage but it may just be the case that this relationship is done.

Chelsea, you seem to think that OP is dealing with a reasonable man here, with your talk of if she scratches his back he will scratch hers. Whatever gave you that idea ?

I went for 10 years not being true to myself, I didn't love the man I was with for many, many reasons. I could come up with many excuses for the lack of affection but the bottom line was I was not I love. If you are Inlove with someone it is a fundamental need to feel you want to be affectionate with them. After 3 years of my marriage ending I am totally in love, I can not wait to be near him no matter what the day has had in store for me. I don't always feel secure or on top of the world but I do feel grateful to feel this love for another person....my advice here would be of you are I love with your husband truely show your love and build it back up, don't allow him to make you feel unworthy. If it's not there and you know deep down if is or not, then start putting in place your moves to move on with dignity and respect for yourself and your children. I wish you happiness

He isn't giving her a hard time over housework because he expects a clean home, he is giving her a hard time over housework because he wants her to notice him.

How can you possible know that, Chelsea? From the OP it sounds much more likely that he is a bullying, controlling arse.

So you come up with reasons for his behaviour (she isn't showing enough interest sexually), but don't think there might be reasons for her behaviour (i.e. his shitty behaviour has resulted in her losing interest in him)? So it's all down to her. Poor little chap.

If anybody told me to iron or tidy up or do anything else really, I sure as hell wouldn't want to jump into bed with them.

It's just more manpleasing bollocks, ain't it.

Mist, it's called giving people the benefit of the doubt. I don't know him, all I know are the bad bits that the OP has related on here. The fact the OP chose to have 3 kids with him, leads me to think that when she married him, he was an all right guy.

Really, can any of us get a true view of a person when we're only told the bad bits of them?

Well Chelsea, you seem to think you've got a true view of the OP and how her sexual disinterest is responsible for all this!

Then none of us should ever give our opinion when asked and support sites such as these should be taken off the internet. Unless you are envisaging some sort of two-pronged approach like Judge Judy ?

ofgs, that is such a simplistic viewpoint I don't know how you can stand around offering the OP your opinion.

People marry terrible men because they have low self-esteem. Or, men's selfishness becomes more apparent after children. Or, if you both like to party you don't notice how immature the other half is til ONE of you has to be mature. So so so so so many reasons to end up married to an asshole.

sure harold shipman was married. fred west was married.

Manpleasing bollocks?

In a marriage of equals, why is his desire for sex less important than her desire not to have sex?

This man is a controlling, manipulative bastard :( He expects sex on tap, he expects the house & children to be looked after by 'his' woman, he expects to play the role of Lord & Master, he expects her to ask how high when he tells her to jump - no self respecting woman would find that attractive and be gagging for sex with him. Urgh.

As for telling the children he would be gone when they got back and it was all their mother's fault - he would find himself locked out - for good. That is not what a good Dad does, not by a long shot.

OP - why don't you see leaving as an option? Why do you see being treat so badly as your only option? :(