Am I losing my mind

[diddle]

I really dislike these one sided threads where you'll only hear my opinion but I will be very honest.
Dh and I have been together for 10 yrs, 3 children in 3 years. He works very hard to support us, while I am a Sahm recently started my own business to try and contribute. I take care of the kids, house etc, Dh takes care of financial side of things. He is often stressed with work and a little short tempered as can I be after a hard day. When he's with the kids he can be great and he loves them dearly.
But we have issues, the common lack of sex, I am shattered after a day looking after house and family, then work in the evenings too. I don't have much confidence when it comes to sex, husbands always instigates and complains about this often, I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me (often kids) it doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood. If he suggest sex an I say no, I'm so tired or don't fancy it, he tells me I'm controlling, and why is it always on my terms. I have tried hard to satisfy his needs in This area.
He says he feels unloved because I don't show affection to him without him instigating, which I can understand, but if I dared to say that I don't feel compelled to show affection because he is always ordering me about, he'd accuse me of turning it around to be all about me. (Still following all this?)
Enough scene setting, last night i had said that yep lets have sex tonight when he suggested it, id been sat down on the sofa for 10 mins (hubbie had been asleep on the sofa) while I had cleared and tidied the kitchen and tea time things, sorted out washing etc. then he says, I'm going to bed are you coming, I said I've just got a drink as only been sat down for ten mins I'll be up in a bit. I go to bed 30 mins later and he's "asleep" I quietly get into bed and after a few mins he turns over and comments, I guess you don't want sex after all and accuses me of lying. Cue a few cross words and him storming off downstairs. I fall asleep.
This morning was awful. Big atmosphere, chuntering about me making all the decisions and not showing him love. I suggest taking the kids out, says he's not coming and actually tells the kids that he might not be here when they get back (as in leaving us) and to ask me why as it's my fault! I feel like I'm going mad, I'm doing all I can to support him, I could definitely be more affectionate, I know that it's a big issue. Feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL, he would flip if someone we know knew about our business. Help!!!!

I actually think that these are issues that will improve with more communication from both sides. To me they are symptoms and not the underlying issue.

At the moment neither side seems to step over into the others areas? Perhaps he can help with the housework and she could get more involved with finances. The OP has asked for advice. I direct this advice to her. As I said before, he should help at home and be more careful of the children. I am looking for solutions for the OP other than to leave.

She feels unloved and so does she.

Perhaps the only acceptable advice on mumsnet is to say "chuck him out". In which case I am obviously on the wrong site!

From the OP's posts all that I'm getting is that she thinks and has said that she will improve herself, the H appears to be caling all the shots and telling her it's too late.

The H needs to change not the OP she already sounds like she's doing more than is humanly possible to live up to the H's expectations.

And quite frankly if a household member saw fit to point out and tell me to clear up child generated messes constantly, I wouldn't be feeling like jumping their bones either. If he has such exacting standards of cleanliness maybe he should do the housework himself.

OP do you have RL support?

Your posts remind me of very abusive ex, he used to have very very high expectations if cleanliness altho wouldn't actually do any housework himself, he used to tell the children mummy was horrible and mean to him, he used to expect sex and even after an argument expected me to be up for it any disinclination on my part was me being unreasonable & used as further evidence against me being horrible to him, he was always in control of the finances to the extent I had no idea what money we actually had, he knew I couldn't face the trauma of getting divorced and held that over my head constantly, I could never live up to his standards and expectations altho I tried, I really really did apparently I was always doing something wrong, whereas he was never ever in the wrong not ever.

The day I started divorce proceedings was the best decision I made for my children and me.

Clickers, when the husband displays such signs of abuse, to the point of involving the children, the only sane answer is to get out asap.
Like the OP, these women have spent years trying to talk and explain things.
Even if the OP wants to stay, the only message these men can understand is that their wives will leave them if they don't become better husbands. Even so, it can be a dangerous play, because they can become worse if they lose control.
You'll find that most abused women minimise what is going on and if you probe them, it often is a lot worse than they first described.

A few probing questions are usually necessary to make it clear if it's abuse or lack of communication.
It may not be clear if you haven't met abuse or think of it as beating a spouse.

This man looks abusive in many aspects. It's for the OP to clarify this.
But some relationships can be fixed with better communication, and you'll find people recommending it here. Others can't.

And he's emotionally abusing the children too, if not in other ways.

Quite frankly, dismissive posts saying it's fine, it's just a matter of better communication are just as poor as a simple LTB.

We need to understand the whole situation first, read the posts carefully, and ask probing questions. Then we can offer better advice.

he would flip if someone we know knew about our business

And there's another classic sign.

Clickers, I'm another one that wonders what thread you're reading.

He's unsupportive, entitled to sex (he believes) moody, threatens the children, there are various threats hanging over the OP.... don't tell anybody for one.

He is abusive and manipulative.

Anybody saying just sit down with a pot of tea and a round of cucumber sandwiches and talk about it.... these posters have no comprehension of what it is like to live with an abusive, unreasonable, manipulative man. Really, you've no power to change him. ALL you can do is change YOU. ie, leave.

Well I guess that's me told! Just offering my opinion!

I don't think this is "abuse" and "manipulation", I think it's frustration and over-reaction. You didn't need to wait 30 mins before going up OP, that clearly signals disinterest and/or game playing IMO. He should have played it straight when you came up but was probably too pissed off by then, I'd bet this is a common pattern?

I think you two are probably in the classic "Men need sex to bond/Women need to bond to want sex" loop, exacerbated by young kids/hard work/always tired bind. I think both of your "solutions" is to play niggling games with each other.

The real solutions are always something around getting more sleep, getting help with some tasks, making time for yourselves as a couple, open communication etc etc. All not easy, but just getting enough sleep can do wonders. If you work from home, get cleaners. Are the kids on a disciplined sleep schedule?

And some people just don't like their private lives discussed, it's not a sign of being controlling, it's a sign of being private.

That sounds like a more balanced viewpoint to me lazyjaney. There are lots of strategies to improve a marriage. If its still now working then by all means get out of it. But remember these children have two parents that ideally need to parent together!

Um. If you were to decide to leave (not saying you should) I would strongly recommend talking to a good divorce lawyer before telling DH.

By the way, I object to the tea and cucumber sandwich analogy. I find it rather dismissive and patronizing. I stand by my comments!

It would be nice for the children if one of these two parents didn't drop a bomb on them that he might not be there when they return. Again, this is highly damaging.
If you think a person like this can be reached to by talking, then I worry about you.
This is not not parenting together. This is emotional abuse thrown in all directions.
My exH did something similar when dropping me off with DS in the car. He went on to be physically violent.
This is not something an essentially good guy does.

Well clickers, either u want very little out of life or u have by chance and luck ended up with a man who respects u because u dont have a high bar and u dont advise beinng respected in a relationship. Instead , u advise bending over backwards so far your back will break. Give more, have sex, ignore the moods, ignore the threats......
With a man entitled enuf to capitalise on a low bar , there is no communication that will improve the situation.

He knows the op is distressed and overwhelmed.
(Rolls eyes)
The idiocy of some women. Seriously. Either your own marriage is shit and u need to normalise that, or bysome stroke of luck you have husbands that treat u well and because of a lack of theory of mind u cant fathom that not all problems can be solved with a chat.
If it could b solved with a chat then that would mean he listens, he cares, he gives (aas well as takes).
Thats not the case here.
Stepford wives, please go back to painting your white picket fences.

Yes, OP, you should have hurried up more with the cleaning up downstairs (quietly, of course, so you didn't disturb him napping on the sofa) and then scrapped the drink and raced upstairs to be ready for sex with him as soon as he felt like it. How else are you going to keep this prize of a husband?

If OP's H listened, he'd have been kinder to her given the week she has had and told him she has had and she told him she needed a bit of TLC.

Anyone who wants their legover and an enthusiastic partner should muck in with whatever needs doing first household chores wise or parenting wise. He is not the master of all to be waited on hand and foot and then serviced when he says just because he brings home a wage.
OP also brings money in to the household as well as doing everything else.

He sounds like a dead weight to me.

I have namechanged to post this because I know this type of thread can end up being a bunfight.

I think Clickers , LazyJaney and ChelseaBun 's posts are helpful and may be relevant in this case. It is wrong to dismiss their posts. I thought LazyJaneys post was ok. Does it matter that he is male? This is an open forum and I think all posts written with good intentions are valid.

The DH is behaving like a dick but the OP may want to consider all the options before starting a divorce. She has the full picture.

Thanks for that Peanuts. I am no stepford wife believe me. And I have been in an awful abusive relationship and now wait to be the key witness at his trial - I bow to no man.

However, we are talking here about a woman who doesn't sound like she wants out of the marriage, but wants to find a way to improve it.

if her husband was posting here, I'd tell him to back off, help out more at home and stop being nasty to her and the kids.

However as he is not, I am suggesting to op what she can do to improve the situation - meeting aggression with aggression isn't the answer.

Accusing men of being abusive is too easy to throw out - the fact is, both men and women can act like arses in long term relationships - and yes I believe he is acting like an arse. Is he abusive? I think the op would have to reveal more about the relationship from the moment they met up until now. If he has only started acting like this since the kids were born and op's attention has focused on them - well, it's the same old story. Man wants more attention. Very very common.

As a woman you can make the decision that I made - I will never live with a man again - ever! But if you choose to live with a man - then expect to compromise - and that goes to the man too.

Man feels pushed out by kids and the solution is to reinstate him as King Of The House ?

Bad move.

Compromise is great. Two adults living together, who presumably are not clones of each other, are going to want different things and you do both need some give and take if it isn't going to become a war zone. However, it does sound as though the compromising is all expected on one side here. "Vacuum the carpet! Do the ironing! Have sex! Hurry up, I don't have all evening." Instead of a loving, bonding, unwinding sharing of physical pleasure it's just one more chore on the list, one more thing she has to do NOW NOW NOW if The Man Of The House isn't to go off on one. Does that sound like a genuine partnership?

It's got nothing to do with being king of the house - this is not a feminist issue.

Quite honestly, if I was in a relationship and my partner never initiated sex and left me to do it everytime, I'd start to feel slightly unattractive and I would become resentful.

I know people this has happened too - men and women - who lose their self esteem because they feel rejected - and they do lash out because of it. There is never a good outcome unless the issue is addressed.

Relationships where men's wants are given priority and the women are meant to just suck it up and make all the effort ARE a feminist issue.

I stick to my opinion on this one! I'm amused to be compared to a step ford wife though! Obviously the blinkered types will remain blinkered.

Indeed they will. Strangely enough, I have a very long and happy marriage where there is no expectation that I am the one who makes all the effort, just because I am a woman.

Just in case your next banality was to say "don't listen to all these bitter women on here, you fight for your maaaan"