Am I losing my mind

[diddle]

I really dislike these one sided threads where you'll only hear my opinion but I will be very honest.
Dh and I have been together for 10 yrs, 3 children in 3 years. He works very hard to support us, while I am a Sahm recently started my own business to try and contribute. I take care of the kids, house etc, Dh takes care of financial side of things. He is often stressed with work and a little short tempered as can I be after a hard day. When he's with the kids he can be great and he loves them dearly.
But we have issues, the common lack of sex, I am shattered after a day looking after house and family, then work in the evenings too. I don't have much confidence when it comes to sex, husbands always instigates and complains about this often, I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me (often kids) it doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood. If he suggest sex an I say no, I'm so tired or don't fancy it, he tells me I'm controlling, and why is it always on my terms. I have tried hard to satisfy his needs in This area.
He says he feels unloved because I don't show affection to him without him instigating, which I can understand, but if I dared to say that I don't feel compelled to show affection because he is always ordering me about, he'd accuse me of turning it around to be all about me. (Still following all this?)
Enough scene setting, last night i had said that yep lets have sex tonight when he suggested it, id been sat down on the sofa for 10 mins (hubbie had been asleep on the sofa) while I had cleared and tidied the kitchen and tea time things, sorted out washing etc. then he says, I'm going to bed are you coming, I said I've just got a drink as only been sat down for ten mins I'll be up in a bit. I go to bed 30 mins later and he's "asleep" I quietly get into bed and after a few mins he turns over and comments, I guess you don't want sex after all and accuses me of lying. Cue a few cross words and him storming off downstairs. I fall asleep.
This morning was awful. Big atmosphere, chuntering about me making all the decisions and not showing him love. I suggest taking the kids out, says he's not coming and actually tells the kids that he might not be here when they get back (as in leaving us) and to ask me why as it's my fault! I feel like I'm going mad, I'm doing all I can to support him, I could definitely be more affectionate, I know that it's a big issue. Feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL, he would flip if someone we know knew about our business. Help!!!!

He might think 'well I work long hours so she should do everything around the house' - not the right attitude but understandable. But he needs to make changes in his behaviour and realise that he cannot continue to treat you like this.

Nasty.

No wonder the poor OP has not been back.

It is threads like this that give mumsnet the awful reputation it has. You should be ashamed of yourselves, using someone's life as a merry bitch fest.

You're right. We should be supportive to the OP, like her husband is. Oh...

Not sure what is nasty.

Shouldn't different perspectives to a situation be debated?

All posters here want the best for the OP. They may just disagree on what that is.

I think that a distinction needs to be made between withholding sex as a means of control and not wanting to have sex because the person doesn't feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable with their partner.

From what the OP is saying she would be in the category of the latter.

I think we have reassured the OP that no, she is not losing her mind.

I posted a thread a bit like this in 2007. I'm not sure if I returned to it after the initial few posts. But I wouldn't say that it didn't help. It pierced my force field of denial. I was hardly brave enough but I had to start contemplating a future as a single mother which I had not been ready to do. I would have put up with anything before I became a single mother at that point. So incomprehensible now looking back on it.

But, I'm sure we have helped the OP. She will know that no, she is not being unreasonable. That she is not losing her mind, and that her feeling this distressed at the moment is merely the entirely predictable and logical consequence to being judged, criticised, snapped at, pestered for sex, controlled with moods and sulks etc etc

Where is the nastiness ? People have disagreed perfectly politely, if bluntly.

OP has asked if she was losing her mind. I hope she has been reassured that she is not. What she does after that is entirely up to her.

I hope my post didn't come over as nasty - I wasn't defending the husband just wanted to make the point that he may need help if he is going through some kind of work crisis/very stressful period and acting out of character. Maybe if he learns to change their marriage can survive - worth trying as there are three children involved.