Am I losing my mind

[diddle]

I really dislike these one sided threads where you'll only hear my opinion but I will be very honest.
Dh and I have been together for 10 yrs, 3 children in 3 years. He works very hard to support us, while I am a Sahm recently started my own business to try and contribute. I take care of the kids, house etc, Dh takes care of financial side of things. He is often stressed with work and a little short tempered as can I be after a hard day. When he's with the kids he can be great and he loves them dearly.
But we have issues, the common lack of sex, I am shattered after a day looking after house and family, then work in the evenings too. I don't have much confidence when it comes to sex, husbands always instigates and complains about this often, I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me (often kids) it doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood. If he suggest sex an I say no, I'm so tired or don't fancy it, he tells me I'm controlling, and why is it always on my terms. I have tried hard to satisfy his needs in This area.
He says he feels unloved because I don't show affection to him without him instigating, which I can understand, but if I dared to say that I don't feel compelled to show affection because he is always ordering me about, he'd accuse me of turning it around to be all about me. (Still following all this?)
Enough scene setting, last night i had said that yep lets have sex tonight when he suggested it, id been sat down on the sofa for 10 mins (hubbie had been asleep on the sofa) while I had cleared and tidied the kitchen and tea time things, sorted out washing etc. then he says, I'm going to bed are you coming, I said I've just got a drink as only been sat down for ten mins I'll be up in a bit. I go to bed 30 mins later and he's "asleep" I quietly get into bed and after a few mins he turns over and comments, I guess you don't want sex after all and accuses me of lying. Cue a few cross words and him storming off downstairs. I fall asleep.
This morning was awful. Big atmosphere, chuntering about me making all the decisions and not showing him love. I suggest taking the kids out, says he's not coming and actually tells the kids that he might not be here when they get back (as in leaving us) and to ask me why as it's my fault! I feel like I'm going mad, I'm doing all I can to support him, I could definitely be more affectionate, I know that it's a big issue. Feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL, he would flip if someone we know knew about our business. Help!!!!

I thought LazeyJaney's post was a fair one. If this was a healthy relationship I'd think the OP was playing games in waiting 30 mins before going up to have sex. It sounds like both the OP and her DH are failing to give the other what they need to feel loved.

However, there are also a lot signs that he is a bully so I can see why posters are preceeding with caution.

To Diddle

I'm sorry for your situation. My advice is talk to a close friend in RL. They know you best. If your DH complains... Tough! Get some proper advice from people who you trust. Not random opinions on MN.

I've learnt my lesson here! To many aggressive types for my taste!

I wish you well whatever you choose to do x

Nowhere am I saying wifie should suck it up - I am giving pointers on how she can improve the situation. If she doesn't want to improve the situation then the only solution is divorce.

I would suggest before they go down the separation route that op, since she is the one posting here and not her husband - finds ways to make things work.

If OP doesn't want to leave the washing up for one night and jump her husband for 10 minutes - it doesn't bode well for the relationship does it?

If her husband's behaviour is killing her sexual attraction to him, that doesn't bode well

This isn't about washing up. Why do people keep bringing this back to whether she does/doesn't do household chores ?

Perhaps he should do the washing up so that OP can go to bed half an hour before him ? Why hasn't that occurred to him ?

It's all well and good to only focus on what OP should do, because she is the one posting, but that is a very one dimensional viewpoint and doesn't take into account that telling her to do X, Y and Z is exactly what her selfish husband is doing.

And call me "aggressive" but if my husband summoned me to bed with the full expectation that I would jump to, he would be waiting very much longer than half an hour.

One option open to the DH, when his wife said she wanted to have a short sit down with a drink, was to stay downstairs with her and, you know, like, chat and stuff. Not march on up the stairs and then pretend to be asleep because she didn't follow him quickly enough! That's why, whatever may be in his mind, which none of us can know for certain, it is going to feel to the OP like being ordered to carry out another chore, rather than being invited to share intimacy. If it's all about wanting to be close, then for goodness' sake let him start by being close in more ways than sticking it in.

The point I make is that when the sex situation is resolved, I can guarantee OP will find husband will stop his bullying behaviour and will help out more. I have seen this time and time again. He can't get her attention sexually so he gets her attention by acting like an arse. Yes it is childish - people often are when they're not getting what they want. And I'm not saying it's right.

And husband didn't summon her to bed. They had a brief chat where they both agreed to have sex - he went to bed, she said she'd be 10 minutes but it turned into 30 minutes. She got quietly into bed so as not to waken him- and he saw that as her being relieved that he was asleep - when in fact he wasn't.

OP has a lot to deal with - the one thing she can be sure of is that her DH still fancies her. DH doesn't have that assurance and he feels like a sex pest.

That's because he is a sex pest. Manipulating someone into sex they don't want is sexually abusive behaviour.

Do I have this right Chelsea- if the OP lies back and submits to not wholly consensual sex you think the OP's husband will do the dishes more?

Gobmacking and totally unhelpful.

Maybe he ought to be asking himself why she might prefer sitting downstairs quietly with a cup of tea than having sex with him.

but they didn't have sex so how did he manipulate her? He went off to sleep in a huff.

OP, I was once you. My oh was lovely, did his share round the house and was the loveliest person. But I saw him lose all his confidence and self esteem because of my rejection - I stopped initiating things - he was understanding for a while, and then this lovely lovely man turned nasty.

Anyway, he soon found someone else who offered him lots of sex and he fell in love with her. I'm glad he did because I was making him miserable - we were ok as friends but we ceased to be true lovers.

You need to ask yourself what do you see in the future for you and him? More of the same as it is?

Ah, there it is. That warning. If you don't shag your husband, someone else will. Lovely.

No Twinkle, I dont' believe in any woman submitting sexually. I'm suggesting she get her groove back to the point where she genuinely wants to have sex - and that may involve letting go of some of the chores.

If she really doesn't want to have sex then she needs to be honest with him - and the two of them then have a clear idea of where this relationship is going.

Mist, yes that warning is there because it's true - it happens. And it is naïve to think otherwise. The amount of women I know who say "my husband would never cheat on me". And I know damn well the man has cheated.

Ignore it if you wish - this is the reality of what happens. That's why I made the decision to never live with a man again - because I have no rose tinted view of relationships - experience taught me that.

I read the bit in the OP that said "he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me" to imply that H would not be at all happy if the OP were to put the household chores on the back burner in order to concentrate on her groove. Indeed, if he were to lighten up over the chores, it sounds as though the OP would feel a lot more inclined to oblige with the other thing. Is there another way of interpreting it?

OP, to echo others - a decent man, when you say you're too tired for sex respects that and makes you a cup of tea. Telling you you are controlling with regards to sex is refusing to acknowledge , hear or care why you don't want it. He doesn't appears to care how you feel, he just wants it whatever.

He is also choosing not to hear that lack of sex from you is linked to his own behaviour. He refuses to acknowledge that his choices have consequences that disadvantage him. He basically thinks he is entitled to behave how he likes, treat you as a skivvy, and has the right to demand sex and thinks you should just submit.

As for what he said to your children - disgraceful.

Highly manipulative, egotistical and very difficult to negotiate with.

'He's often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me (often kids) it doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood. If he suggest sex an I say no, I'm so tired or don't fancy it, he tells me I'm controlling'

I'd been sat down on the sofa for 10 mins (hubbie had been asleep on the sofa) while I had cleared and tidied the kitchen and tea time things, sorted out washing etc. then he says, I'm going to bed are you coming, I said I've just got a drink as only been sat down for ten mins I'll be up in a bit. I go to bed 30 mins later and he's "asleep"'

This!!

Since when is it fair that you do all the housework and he gets to tell you what to do, order you around and then fall asleep on the sofa while you are still working? If that's normal round your hose, then it's totally unfair. No wonder you don't feel like a shag.

Show him this thread and see what he says. He sounds like a controlling bully.

I'm not sure how she's supposed to get her groove back while performing the functions of a SAHM, running a business in the evening, being treated like a slave by a husband who doesn't give a flying fuck about how tired she is or why she doesn't want to have sex.

The person who needs to change his behaviour here is the husband. If he helped out more, stopped ordering her around, and manipulating the whole family, she'd be more likely to want to have sex with him.

Chelsea, are you even reading the OP's posts?

He didn't go to sleep in a huff. He stormed downstairs.
The OP didn't say she'd be up in 10 min, she said she'd be up in a bit (she had only been sitting down for 10 min; he had been asleep on the sofa). She was quiet because he seemed asleep. If he was awake he could easily have shown that he was and cuddled up to her.
In any case the OP is perfectly entitled to not want sex after all, even if she did say she wanted it earlier. We are all entitled to say no to sex.

I told him before he wen t to bed that I knew I needed to be a better wife and I was going to sort it out. He said it won't make any difference now "he's done"

The reason this relationship is having problems is because he needs to be a better husband. I don't see what you could possibly do more than you are now, his demands are wholly unreasonable - he's living in cloud cuckoo land frankly. What you said gives him precisely the opposite of the message he needs to hear: that he is destroying the relationship with his demands and his bullying. Saying what you did only validates his fantasy.

Reading threads like this makes me wonder yet again just how many women there are out there, who are having sex they don't want just to keep the peace.

If "he's done" he will be leaving

except he won't. Because he has Op right where he wants her. She will be being a better wife dropping her knickers quick smart the next time he tells her to

you see, I think it would be good thing if he fucked off and found his performing sex doll elsewhere, it's just that Op hasn't realised that (yet)

there are obviously some on this thread (an all the others like it) who, if not submitting right now, have certainly felt pressured into it in the past

I fail to understand why they rock up on threads like this to tell women to suck it up when they obviously regret it. Except perhaps to feel better about their own choices?

Am I the only one to have read this bit of the OP;

I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house

OP doesn't initiate sex because she's afraid of his reaction.

anyone who's trying to blame her for not initiating sex is utterly wrong, she is scared to.

It's not easy to flip into a sexual mode when you've been in Mum mode all day, and with 3 young children it must be really hard, libido bound to take a big hit. How he has dealt with this though shows him up for the unsupportive kind of man he is. I suspect he's a man who has a fixed stereotypical image of family life of the sort that applied decades ago -very old fashioned of him. His ideal could be deeply ingrained in him and it will be tough to break and challenge this, but it needs doing.

1950's rules don't apply now you've started your own business, totally reasonable that he should help out more around the house. It's not women's work. Have you directly asked him for help and been refused? If so, maybe take him at his word and tell him it's fine for him to go, and mean it. It will either shock him into sorting this out when faced with the end or more whinging about being hard done to will ensue - in which case tell him what you would need from him to make things better all round. Try not to complain and attack - that is what he is doing to you and you know how that is not working. Offer solutions, then it's up to him to want to solve it, if he doesn't want to make the effort, let him go, you are worth the effort that a better man would put in.