Am I losing my mind

[diddle]

I really dislike these one sided threads where you'll only hear my opinion but I will be very honest.
Dh and I have been together for 10 yrs, 3 children in 3 years. He works very hard to support us, while I am a Sahm recently started my own business to try and contribute. I take care of the kids, house etc, Dh takes care of financial side of things. He is often stressed with work and a little short tempered as can I be after a hard day. When he's with the kids he can be great and he loves them dearly.
But we have issues, the common lack of sex, I am shattered after a day looking after house and family, then work in the evenings too. I don't have much confidence when it comes to sex, husbands always instigates and complains about this often, I don't instigate affection with him because he is often snappy and short tempered and quite demanding around the house, always asking me to do things, ironing shirts, cleaning up messy areas not necessarily made by me (often kids) it doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood. If he suggest sex an I say no, I'm so tired or don't fancy it, he tells me I'm controlling, and why is it always on my terms. I have tried hard to satisfy his needs in This area.
He says he feels unloved because I don't show affection to him without him instigating, which I can understand, but if I dared to say that I don't feel compelled to show affection because he is always ordering me about, he'd accuse me of turning it around to be all about me. (Still following all this?)
Enough scene setting, last night i had said that yep lets have sex tonight when he suggested it, id been sat down on the sofa for 10 mins (hubbie had been asleep on the sofa) while I had cleared and tidied the kitchen and tea time things, sorted out washing etc. then he says, I'm going to bed are you coming, I said I've just got a drink as only been sat down for ten mins I'll be up in a bit. I go to bed 30 mins later and he's "asleep" I quietly get into bed and after a few mins he turns over and comments, I guess you don't want sex after all and accuses me of lying. Cue a few cross words and him storming off downstairs. I fall asleep.
This morning was awful. Big atmosphere, chuntering about me making all the decisions and not showing him love. I suggest taking the kids out, says he's not coming and actually tells the kids that he might not be here when they get back (as in leaving us) and to ask me why as it's my fault! I feel like I'm going mad, I'm doing all I can to support him, I could definitely be more affectionate, I know that it's a big issue. Feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL, he would flip if someone we know knew about our business. Help!!!!

Lol Judge Judy I wish.

I am only commenting on what the OP has revealed so far. She hasn't come back and given us a history of the relationship. It may turn out she married a man who was abusive from the outset and yes, she may have always had low self esteem.

If that is the case, then my advice would be to end the marriage and attend the Freedom programme via Womens Aid.

Because if I want to fuck you and you don't want to fuck me then we shouldn't fuck, not least because good people only want to fuck people who want to fuck them.

Chelsea - jesus wept, have you read the thread? Marriage of equals - you are funny.

Turn that around, Chelsea, why is her desire not to have sex less important than his desire to have it? And then add in his unpleasant attitude to boot? He appears to be punishing her (and the children) for not wanting sex, yet she is trying to please him in other areas by doing everything around the house while he lies around on the sofa napping.

Chelsea really? Nobody purposely marries an abusive man.

From the OP's posts her H is abusive.

There is nothing more she can humanly do to please him, I want to bury him under the patio just at the thought of having to please some bloke for what exactly? He's not terribly worried about pleasing OP

It isn't that the OP is in a constant state of not wanting sex at all is it? It's that circumstances (partly of her H's creation) have affected her libido.
She is tired and lacking in confidence due to his moodiness. It's hard to get turned on when your husband acts like your boss (unless you're in to that kind of thing!)

Clam that's a very good point.

fuzzy, women marry abusive men all the time - purposely and intentionally - I suggest you look into Trauma Bonding.

op.
What were things like before the 3 children in 3 years?
Did he ask you to get the extra job?
What does he say if the house is a little bit messy?

I've spent hours this evening sobbing and doubting myself. I told him before he wen t to bed that I knew I needed to be a better wife and I was going to sort it out. He said it won't make any difference now "he's done"

You sound completely broken. Your husband sounds like a cunt. I'd advise you to leave him, because I doubt that he's going to do it himself, despite all his storming about and histrionic threats.

I have to say, Chelsea, that some of the sentences you have come up with here are some of the most fucked up I read in some time.

Sadly, as I said before, I think this man is acting out this way because he is resentful of OP's disinterest in him sexually.

How about she is disinterested in him sexually because of the way he's acting out? How about he acts out as a loving husband and she will regain her sexual interest in him? How will she regain any sexual interest while he is vile to her? Is she supposed to force herself to love him?

He isn't giving her a hard time over housework because he expects a clean home, he is giving her a hard time over housework because he wants her to notice him.
Really? And the best way to be noticed is by being a twat? He's most certainly being noticed, but in the worst possible light.

It reminds me of my exH, after a serious fight. I think it was the morning after he had pinned me on the floor by the back of the neck and had been told that a repeat would mean the end of the marriage.
He got up and asked me if I was going to make him coffee. He never asked for it and I never did offer, as I was usually busy getting DS ready, even though he was a SAHD and I worked FT.
Anyway, yes, this was perhaps his way of being noticed, but it was his way of testing his control over me. Trust me, he was noticed. As an abusive controlling man on his way to a divorce.

That's what OP's husband is doing.

Nice guys try to get noticed in a positive way.

bleedingheart has it in a nutshell

fuzzy, women marry abusive men all the time - purposely and intentionally - I suggest you look into Trauma Bonding.

Chelsea I'm not sure why you presume posters here are not acquainted with trauma bonding, it's a standard concept with regard to emotional abuse.

If you understand that women marry abusive men either knowingly or unknowingly, surely you understand that abusive characteristics are not caused by lack of sex.

He is not bullying because he is not getting sex: his not getting sex because he is a bully.

The OP specifically says she does not 'instigate affection' because his bullying and demands do not make her 'feel in an affectionate mood'.

Twinkle I'm not presuming anything about posters here - the post was aimed at one poster - fuzzy.

Trauma bonding is applicable in the OP feeling she has no choice but to stay with the twat.

you Chelsea are inferring from your posts that OP purposely married an abusive man if it turns out he is abusive, otherwise it's all her fault for not being sexually interested in a man who OP is by her own account too scared to approach for sex in case eh goes off on one.

OP is doing everything and apologising for everything as well, I was married to a person just like op's exacting, terribly clean, always expecting sex with enthusiasm sort of person, I did not marry him because I was aware he was an abusive bastard, I then felt stuck with two young children.

Best thing I ever did was lose the dead weight and I wish I had the courage to have done it sooner.

Nobody should feel they have a right over another persons body, OP doesn't want sex then that should be fine. Her H if he were a decent man would be trying to talk it thro with her and try to understand.

This man is not someone who is putting up with a terrible wife, this man is a horrible person, who has a good thing in his wife and intends to keep her thereby making her feel he's doing her a massive favour.

Actually, I didn't read as she's afraid of initiating sex because she fears his reaction, but that she doesn't feel affectionate towards him because he's often snappy, short tempered and quite demanding. In brief, someone who it's hard to feel lovingly towards.

This man is not someone who is putting up with a terrible wife, this man is a horrible person, who has a good thing in his wife and intends to keep her thereby making her feel he's doing her a massive favour.

This.

fuzzy, I'm really not inferring anything. I think the OP needs to come back and give more detail on the relationship overall - the whole 10 years of it.

The OP says his attitude "doesn't make me feel in an affectionate mood" which is her reason for not initiating sex, she doesn't say she is too scared of him to make the first move.

And although he is currently exhibiting abusive behaviour, I'd like to know if he's been consistently abusive throughout the relationship.

If that is the case, then I will take back everything I said about the OP "getting her groove back." And I would urge her to end the marriage.

And although he is currently exhibiting abusive behaviour, I'd like to know if he's been consistently abusive throughout the relationship.

That does not mean much either, I'm afraid. Most abusers only show abusive behaviour when they think they can get away with it. Particularly after getting married, or after children. Or when their wives are not working anymore.
The set up they create may seem fair initially, as a SAHM taking up the bulk of housework, but when their partner tries to change things towards more independence or a fairer division of work, for example, they will resist and often show up the worst of their abusive behaviour.

ChelseaBuns. You can see why I name changed for this thread. . I agree with your posts. You have explained what I think but far more eloquently than I could have.

No one is saying the husband isn't acting like a prick and no one is saying the OP should 'submit' to sex for a happy marriage. However, the OP may want to consider working on the marriage and restoring the love and affection that must have been there at one time.

But the OP will not be able to do all this by herself, Peanuts! How about her husband does some of this 'working on the marriage' stuff? It cannot possibly work if it's just the OP putting in all the hard work and making changes.

Of course, he husband should definitely be making an effort too. However, it looks like the OPs marriage has reached a stalemate and someone is going to have to make a move, be it starting divorce proceeding or 'making an effort' to improve the relationship and getting it back to where it was.

We are suggesting the OP consider trying to rebuild the relationship rather than LTB. We DO NOT KNOW if this is a feasible option - only the OP knows.

Unfortunately, we can't tell the OPs husband that he should also be making an effort as he isn't on this thread.

OP

Do not try and be a better wife and certainly do not say it to him again! I assume he didn't reply with he will try to be a better husband? Thought not. Your husband is at best thick, at worst an abusing bully. If you are too knackered to have sex with him then surely he can work out he needs to do more around the house. No? Thick then. If he tells you what to do and when you don't do it his behaviour escalates. Yes? Controlling bully too.

You need to talk to him and make him listen but only if you are going to mean it and carry through any consequences otherwise there is no point.

What he said to the children is so out of order. Are they okay? Were they worried all day in case daddy wasn't there when they got back? How old are they?

You need to accept this is not an acceptable way to live, your marriage is not happy, your husband is neither a good husband or good father and quite possibly doesn't love any of you since he is treating you all like he is above you all.

But how is the OP meant to improve the marriage? If, as suggested, she spends less time on housework, she is likely to get shouted at by her husband.

I really think that suggested is just so unfair. Her husband behaves like a controlling arse resulting in her (understandably!) losing sexual interested (or just not having the energy for it) - and yet she is the one who should work at her marriage. Yeah right.

I think if she 'works at her marriage', trying to be a 'better wife', he will just take advantage more and more and it's going to get a lot worse for her. If he could see that he needs to change and really committed to making those changes they might stand a chance. But that seems rather unlikely...

Sorry, 'this suggestion' rather than 'suggestsed' at the beginning of the second paragraph.

Vermicious, if her husband gets arsey cos she's leaving the housework to spend some time on him - then this marriage really is over I'm afraid.

Peanuts you said what I was trying to say - they are at a stalemate and all it takes is one of them to change their behaviour, to get the ball rolling. Either that or they have to decide to separate.