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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

835 replies

Lemmingswife · 15/07/2006 09:06

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

OP posts:
bev1e · 16/07/2006 22:11

"He told me that he would move in with a friend provided I let him put the house on the market."

Think you should take the house off the market now that he hasn't followed through with his part of the deal i.e. moving in with his friend.

I know others have said it but don't agree to ANYTHING re: selling of your house and don't sign anything. You have been so strong - you can do this, you really can, look how far you've come already.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 16/07/2006 22:21

He has threatened to stop paying the mortgage if I reject house sale, bev1e.

OP posts:
bev1e · 16/07/2006 22:25

Advise your mortgage company of what is going on. He can't hold you to ransom every time you don't do as he says.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 16/07/2006 22:32

Going to get back onto solicitor ASAP. He is still trying to maintain complete control & frighten me into doing what he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 16/07/2006 23:25

He is still not home! Hope he's moved out!!

OP posts:
Caribbeanqueen · 16/07/2006 23:33

Dread to think what state he'll be in when he does decide to turn up.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 07:26

Not sure what time he got in, or what state he was in, as I was very much asleep by that time.

DS1 woke up after having a nightmare & mentioned that Daddy had not gone up & said goodnight to him.

Hope H suffers for it today!

OP posts:
spangles · 17/07/2006 07:48

morning LW. Get onto the solicitors straight away and tell them everything. Surely there must be something they can do to force his hand and make him move out. I agree with the other posters with regards to speaking to your mortgage lenders... they may be able to help.. you wont know till you speak to them. He needs to be shown he is not the only one who can play dirty. try and stay strong.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 08:21

I am going to get onto solicitors as soon as I can. I only work until lunchtime today, so will try & get hold of them when I get home.
I notice there is a bottle of whisky in the lounge & two glasses, so he obviously had a friend back when he evetually rolled in last night.

OP posts:
Blu · 17/07/2006 10:43

LW - what a git.

So sorry.

I think Freckle has it, and I hope your solicitor will help ground your thoughts about this. Don't forget that you can contact the mortgage co and tell them what is happening - I wonder if your solicitor might write to them and explain that you are planning divorce and any missed payments will come out of the settlement?

If nothing else, at least his beahviour over this is further proff that you are doing exactly the right thing in separating from him! He's balckmailing you, trying to control and manipulate you, and playing really viscious mind games.

Have you any freinds who will be away for a couple of weeks during the hols who would be grateful of a house-sit, so that you could get a couple of weeks respite?

And this whole notion of the mysterious anonymous 'freind' - what b*cks - loads of divorced / separated parents go into the children's home to babysit etc. He is just making excuses in a deliberate attempt to torture you.

What a complete bastard.

I wish I had a holiday caravan that you could take the boys to for the whole summer.

tribpot · 17/07/2006 11:48

I hope you're going to leave that bottle out for him to tidy away, LW! Or did he not consider it to be somewhat out of order to leave a bottle of whiskey in the living room where his children would be during the day!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 12:51

I removed whiskey bottle & glasses from the lounge, as there was some whiskey left in the glasses & I didn't want to run the risk of my three year old swigging it back.
I left them for him to wash up though!
He was feeling sorry for himself this morning, as he felt so ill. Serves him right!
Just about to nip into town now. Will go into solicitors, as he is in the house & I don't want him around while I phone them.

OP posts:
Blu · 17/07/2006 12:54

Good luck, LW.

slug · 17/07/2006 13:06

So, if it is him who pays the mortgage, then surely it is him who will end up with a bad credit rating if he defaults? It seems to me like he's digging himself a great big hole here. I'd stand back (however difficult that might be) and watch him bury himself.

In the meantime, I hope you are doing absolutly nothing to make his stay comfortable. Do not do his washing. If he washes clothes and leaves them in the machine, helpfully place them, still wet, on his bed. Preferably under the duvet where he won't notice them till he rolls in drunk. Do the same for any dirty dishes, wet towells or general mess he leaves lying around. Demand money for food. Put a padlock on the fridge, so he can't eat anything you have paid for. refuse to sign any papers till he starts keeping his side of the bargain. And even then, don't sign them anyway. He seems quite at ease with the concept of breaking his word, so why should you play fair if he won't?

CheesyFeet · 17/07/2006 13:44

LW, so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds so shitty .

How come he gets to spend all day at the pub drinking? Do you get days off from childcare too? Or is this an extension if his selfish behaviour?

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 15:11

It is an extension of his shitty behaviour, cheesyfeet.

I have made an appointment to go back & see solicitor, although they couldn't fit me in until Wednesday 2nd August.
Have also made an appointment at CAB for next Tuesday.
This is all so scary.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 15:12

He has now gone off to play pool with one of his friends.

OP posts:
dinosaur · 17/07/2006 15:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 17:00

Yes he is a git alright, dino! I am SO fed up of all this.
This is my last week at work & I am not looking forward to the summer holidays one bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 17:11

I have been to the local paddling pool with the boys this afternoon, to get out of the house for a bit. He is still at pub playing pool with his friend.

OP posts:
Expectantmum · 17/07/2006 18:00

Sorry to add my two-penny worth, hope you don't mind as I normally don't make comments, I am just a lurker who sits and reads and occasionally asks advice, but does you ex-H SERIOUSLY think the proceeds of the house sale will be split 50:50??? He obviously hasn't looked into it all too seriously in my opinion. I had a similar situation with me ex-h although we were not living in the same house, and had no children, I left him and he continued to stay in joint owned house without making any contribution to mortgage or bills, the only way I could get him out was for me to stop paying the mortgage, but it still took nearly the best part of a year to get sorted and after that time there was still no court date set, I just managed to sell the place. I seriously wouldn't worry too much about his threats not to pay, it will damage him just as much as you and the boys to be honest. Yes, see your solicitor, but please stop fretting. Am sending you a big hug....... it took me a LONG time to get my ex out of my life, and now I am happily remarried with a gorg DH and DS and have never been happier. I have to say your ex-H is a PRICK!!

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 18:08

That's one word for him!!
I don't know quite what H is thinking, but he is desperetely trying to regain control.
Glad to hear that you found a lovely man, expectantmum.

OP posts:
Expectantmum · 17/07/2006 18:20

I know its easy to hand out the advice when its not you in that situation, but just try and put the boys first. To be honest, he is lucky he can afford to go out as often as he does!! At least he is out of the way when he does go out. Just try and play him at his own game, let him think you are not bothered by the mortgage, but definitely do not sign anything relating to the house sale, it should all be handled with the divorce and then he will find out exactly what he is worth. Thats the mistake I made when I divorced DH, I wasn't aware that the house sale should have been handled as a financial settlement as part of the divorce, but thats because I had a naff solicitor.

Original poster
Lemmingswife · 17/07/2006 18:26

I don't let him see how much he gets to me, EM, but sometimes he does make me very upset & very cross inside. I am seeing more & more of the side of him I don't like & less of the side that kept me here for all these years, atm.
I do put the boys first & am trying to keep strong for them.

OP posts:
Blu · 17/07/2006 18:32

And you are being a brilliant mother, LW.

I wonder whether you shouldn't say to him "you said you would leave when the house was on the market. You have changed your mind, so I think it best we take the house off the market for the time being, and sort all this out as part of the settlement".

What will you say to the estate agent if you do get an offer on the house? You'll have to say you can't give an answer until you have consulted your solicitor, I suppose.

Bad luck the solicitor can't fit you in earlier - would it be worth callling the secretary and asking for any cancellations that might crop up?