The git is refusing to move in with his friend...

[Lemmingswife]

Until we exchange contracts on our house!
I am SO angry & upset. This could take months & months.
I asked him last night if he was intending to make the move sometime next week, seen as his friend returns late on Sunday. He said "I'm not moving in with him....well not until the house has been sold & we have exchanged contracts."
He told me that he was prepared to make the move, until a friend (who he won't name) pointed out how ridiculous it would be to look after the children in the house if I ever went out & he said that it wouldn't be right to take them to his friends house.
He said that HE pays the mortgage & the TV licence and had every right to stay as long as he needed to, but he wants out too, which is why the quicker this house sells, the better.
I was so upset & furious after he came out with this last night. I cannot go on like this for what could be months, I will seriously lose it.
I would move out with the children myself, if I could.
He kept putting on a silly fake laugh, saying "Imagine me coming to this house to look after the children. How ridiculous!"
I am so cross & so upset. I cannot go through the whole of the summer like this.

LW hang in there listen to freckles advice re house and contatcting lender

Thanks for all the advice.
I had a strong feeling that he would string me along & never actually make the move - but a part of me was still thinking that it may have happened when his friend returned.

I will contact solicitor tomorrow.

Freckle, I live in a small town which is 9 miles from Dover.

I hate weekends atm. Don't know how I am going to manage the whole summer holidays, living like this.
Saw my Mum this morning, when I went to visit my Nan in hospital & she kept going on about what a financial mess I would be in.
Will contact solicitor when I get in from work tomorrow lunchtime & make another appointment.

I am feeling very fed up & scared.

Easier said than done, but don't be scared. At the moment, there is nothing you can do about sorting out the finances, so just try not to worry about it. Your solicitor will sort all that out within the divorce proceedings and he will not agree to any settlement which leaves you unable to live properly.

Your parents, as you know, are not happy with your decision and they are hardly going to say anything reassuring and supportive, so I think you will just have to learn to let it all wash over you.

I'm in Kent too, although not near the coast.

Change the locks when he goes out then he'll have to find somewhere else. Sorry, that isn't flippant. I'm having ex problems too and how come it always seems they get the better end of the deal and never seem to want a solution? Good luck and just repeat to yourself "in X months he'll be gone. in x months he'll be gone". It will all be worth it in the end.

From what I made out from the solicitor, there isn't much I can do with regards getting H out of the house, unless he is being physically violent & I am in some kind of danger.

I need to find out more about the whole finincial side of things & what would happen if he did stop paying the mortgage.

He has been out with his friends all day, doing his Sunday pub thing.

I hate the fact that we are seperated, but he is still around upsetting me & playing his little games. I just feel like I cannot move on & get my life back together.

sorry Lemmingswife, no advice to offer just wanted to offer my sympathy.

That sounds like an unbearable situation and he's being as difficult as he can. Was it your idea to end the marriage then and not his/joint? Is he just trying to get his own back? Otherwise I'd have thought he'd want to be out of the house and living a new life too.

He has always had temper & control issues, and I have tried everything I could to make things better, but the problems were not going away & I realised that they never would, so I made an appointment to see a solicitor.
He then found out about this & we had a big talk, which resulted in us coming to the decision that we must end the marriage.
At first he was making out that he would make it easy for me & help me out as much as he could. He told me that he would move in with a friend provided I let him put the house on the market.
House went on the market a few weeks back, but he has gone back on his word & is now not moving in with his friend.

I am not coping at all well today, which isn't fair on the boys.

Maybe the friend didn't want him?

You poor thing, can you get out of the house as much as possible at the weekends?

He was going to move before the friend went on holiday, which was 10 days ago, but then told me that the friends MIL was staying in their house, so he wouldn't be going until the friend returned from his holiday.
The friend is due home tonight, so asked him when he was making the move, as he doesn't seem to have done any kind of packing etc. This is when he announced that he was not moving in with this friend until our house is sold & contracts have been exchanged.

I went to visit my Nan in hospital this morning & then took boys to my friends little boys party this afternoon, which got me out of the house for a bit.

He has been at the pub since lunchtime, which he does every Sunday now that he is single.

I just seem to be losing it a bit today for some reason. I am very tearful & ratty with the boys, which isn't fair on them.

LW, this is terrible for you, but not unexpected. I think you need to distance yourself from H in every way possible. Only speak to him with regard to essentials, such as making arrangements for the care of your boys, etc.

See your solicitor as soon as possible to get things moving on the divorce front. Until that is underway there is little you can do re H being in the house. Indeed, until such time as the courts order the house to be sold, you may well find yourself living in the same house. You now need to find a way to do this without continued stress to you.

Organise separate sleeping arrangements, so that you have a safe place to go where you can be alone and gather your strength together. Stop doing anything for him beyond what is necessary to make things bearable.

Chin up. This is the worst. Things will get better.

Do you have a brother or sister who could come and stay now and again at the weekend to back you up? I think a male relative would be best.

I am trying to distance myself as much as I possibly can. He slept in downstairs room for a few nights, but crept back up to our bed because he claimed it was uncomfortable, so I have now moved to bed downstairs.

SSSandy, I have a sister, but she lives in another town, which is a good 30 minute drive away.

DS2 cheered me up while I was posting my last message, as he was standing next to me pulling all the faces of the MN smileys!

Send him to the corner shop for bread and change the locks ! he's doing this to maintain control over you.

Wonder if there is some kind of itching powder you could spread in his bedclothes, then when he's moved out of there, change the bedclothes and sleep there yourself.

Good idea, SSSandy!

He still hasn't returned from the pub, where he has been since 11.45am & DS1 has just said "Daddy has been at the pub for ages. He shouldn't be gone for this long."
Poor boys.

He didn't want to go to bed because he has not seen Daddy & wanted him. He asked if I could make sure that Daddy goes up to see him when he gets home.
I am in bits now.

Oh for a voodoo doll, eh? I've always fancied one.

Is ds worried because he knows you're in the process of breaking up? Have you spoken to the kids about it at all? Great of dh (dgit) to cause problems and then leave you to cope with it. Have you got a nice bottle of wine there somewhere?

I think DS1 suspects all is not right & I have spoken to him a little, but not too deeply, as I don't want him getting confused while H is still here.

H is being a total git about everything atm. He is enjoying his very lad like single life of spending all hours at the pub, but then expects to come back here when he pleases & totally confuse his children.
He is still not home, so goodness knows what state he will be in when he does roll in.

I have not coped well at all today & felt a complete wreck. Going to pour a large glass of wine right now!

How's the wine?

Is he back yet?

No he's not back yet & poor DS1 didn't get his wish of Daddy going up to say goodnight to him when he got home, because he is now fast asleep. I know they will not have Daddy around much when he is no longer living with us, but at the moment they haven't a clue what is going on.
I find it all really upsetting.

Wine is slipping down nicely! I have drunk an alarming amount since the start of all this. I really must think about stopping!

It IS upsetting, it's an impossible situation. Doesn't sound like you're getting much help with this either.

I am not receiving ANY help from my parents & my Dad has tried to threaten me into staying with H, by threatening that I will also lose him if I go through with this. My Mum just agrees with everything that comes out of my Dad's mouth.

I get most of my support here on MN.

I also have a very supportive HV, who has been offering me support over the last year. She is visiting me every two weeks atm.