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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

608 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2013 21:49

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

OP posts:
tripper20 · 01/12/2013 02:47

He's following the script. Read back through your threads to remind yourself of what he (and his toxic family) have put you through. Stay strong for yourself and your little girl. You've come such a long way in a short space of time.

perfectstorm · 01/12/2013 04:19

You've told him not to contact you and he's drunk texting you in the middle of the night, whining that you aren't jumping to his tune. After aggressively texting you. After all the rest.

Reread this thread and the other, as suggested - then tell me that his dd is all he cares about, boo hoo. Remember how little he showed interest in her when with you, how little he knew of her routines and needs or met them when told after he left, and how he was handing her off to his mother, anyway. He wanted you out, penniless and leaving him with all shared possessions, sod your dd being in a homeless shelter - he has attacked and belittled and threatened you at every turn. HE created this situation, HE chose to neglect his own child, and he is now whining when sentimental and drunk - and harassing you while doing so - because his own choices have consequences.

He's an arsehole. Report this new bs and honestly, call WA about a refuge spot (remember that offer from them will ensure your legal aid is forthcoming, which will help you protect your dd - WA don't offer such things without reason and they will also offer a package of emotional and practical support moving onwards) or stay with your parents until official vacate date, though that does mean he knows where you are. I doubt he's going to be less reactive, now you're outside their control.

I would also get a new SIM card or speak to your contract provider about changing numbers, due to harassment. You said contact via solicitor now - he does not need your number.

springytickle · 01/12/2013 09:01

If he behaved properly when he had her and didn't neglect her, not carrying out basic care; if his family, esp mother, weren't psychos who, I gather, you have had grave concerns about, then of course he could see his daughter. He has been dominating and controlling you, using your daughter - so he loses the right to see her. You are doing the right thing.

Anniegetyourgun · 01/12/2013 09:29

What he's doing there is called emotional blackmail. The threats and harassment didn't work so now he's pressing a different button. His default behaviour is bullying; the crying and begging came afterwards. This is not a man you can possibly have a happy ever after with, however much he claims to have learned his lesson. Those are just words.

He may be able to have access to his DD, supervised by someone you can trust, in the future - if, in your judgement, it will be safe - but right now you need to protect her and yourself while you get things sorted out. She is a human being, not a stick to beat you with, and until he realises that he won't be a good person to have charge of her.

Jux · 01/12/2013 12:22

First the bullying.
Then the crying.
Then the flowers.
Then the bullying.
Then the crying.
Then the flowers.

It's a never-ending cycle, until you put a stop to it.

Get a new sim; most providers these days don't have a problem sending you a new one so you could just phone them up, explain and ask for a new one, or you could pick up a payg at the supermarket.

He is a nutjob. You are doing the right thing. Don't get sucked back in. His behaviour over the next few weeks will tell you what he's really like (again) if you really need to be reminded. Dishonest and deceitful, underhand, sly, unreliable, unreasonable, ..... The list goes on. Reread your threads.

You are protecting your daughter.

teenybash7 · 01/12/2013 12:24

Far, you are getting such good advice on here that I don't have anything useful to add. All I want to say to you is don't waver now. You have done the MOST difficult bit - making the initial decision to go along with his desire to split - and no matter how bad it's been, or will get, you have done it!

Congratulations, you are a brave and strong woman and your daughter is lucky to have you. Just keep going. As long as it takes.

FarOverTheRainbow · 01/12/2013 12:57

I'm not going to change my decision because I do believe I made it for the right reasons and I didn't make it over night and I made it because of his behavior with DD first and then his behavior of me and nothing's changed. He says he's fair, how is leaving DD is wee and shit fair? How is palming her off on his incapable mother fair? How is not feeding her properly fair? Bringing her back late? Making me give him then TV before he gives me back? How's any of that fair then that's not to mention he hast paid a penny for her or telling me I'm not allowed nothing from the house or bringing his mother to drop offs?

None of that's changed and he has a cheek to say I know deep down he's a good person. I do feel guilty and I know it would break my heart but I don't deserve not to see her, I do everything for her and care for her properly ad if he did the same and stuck to the agreement we had then we wouldn't be in this situation

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/12/2013 13:09

How yawningly predictable.

He's harassing you, but in a different form.

He's not getting you to react to him by bullying, threatening and forcing you, so he'll use this.

He has never treated you well, only hoovered you in. He's failed to protect you against his hideous parents, he's consorted with them to scare and intimidate you.

He's violated every relationship norm, they've violated every landlord/tenant law, and you've come through it all.

So he has to change tactic.

Call women's aid, and perhaps call Respect. (it's a perpetrators helpline, but the numbers - strangely enough - are never engaged) they know tactics of perps, they help advise you on what can be done in the face of their fuckwittery.

Hissy · 01/12/2013 13:12

Oh make no mistake love, he's NOT a good person, not deep down, not in his dna, not superficially.

He's telling youthat he is, in the vain hope that you'll believe it. Perhaps he'll believe it himself if he says it enough.

Set your jaw solid, set your path firmly and don't give a millimeter. Ever.

People like him and his ilk constantly search for the chink of a chance to get you.

Ledkr · 01/12/2013 13:19

Hi far I was wondering how you are? Nice to hear you doing ok.

FarOverTheRainbow · 01/12/2013 13:19

Even in his text he has to mention his mum and how his parents told him I would do this but he didn't believe I would put him and DD through it. What about what you've fucking out us through? Has this been a walk in the park for us? All the shit about the house kicking us out, wanting me to take nothing and threatening to get
Me
Arrest how is that good for DD?

It hasn't been 2 weeks since he hasn't seen her and he went on holiday and j bet he didn't cry every day then. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't remember texting me this morning.

I'm wondering when the texts will start about not having his baby girl on Christmas and his its breaking his heart will start

OP posts:
Hissy · 01/12/2013 13:33

Remember HE chose to do all this. He did.

He's a vile excuse for an human being and limiting exposure to your dd is the best thing you can do for the rest of your life.

perfectstorm · 01/12/2013 13:39

Please sort out a new SIM or a new phone number. Please. And have you reported both new texts - within DAYS of telling him solicitor contact only - to the police? You're already anticipating new texts, when if you sort these aspects out there won't be any.

What scares me is this is classic Hoover Manuoevre territory and he's suddenly reminding you of the person you once thought you knew, together with pressing your buttons over his parents dislike of you to try to motivate you to prove them wrong. It's so obvious as an outsider, how manipulative and self-centred his actions are. But I'm concerned that he has hurt you so much, you want to believe it's "the real him". That would be the man who pays not one penny to support his "beloved" dd, but swans off on holiday with the other woman instead.

I agree you need support and help to truly keep this arsewipe at arm's length. And I think you need to call the local refuge number you were given and take them up on the offer to go in. You need that legal aid, you need that emotional and legal support and you need to know you are insulated from him. I would clear the house and go somewhere you can gather your breath and think what to do next - and the side-effect of that is also that you are automatically eligible for legal aid, so you can protect yourself and your baby moving forward.

Hissy · 01/12/2013 13:46

A holiday he forced the op to sign over btw...

He's worse than shit.

ShinyBauble · 01/12/2013 15:14

I did think it was strange he hadn't moved on to the wheedling and cajoling stage yet.

Well done Far, he knows he can't threaten you effectively anymore, so now he has moved on to whinging!

DinkyFrinkbuster · 01/12/2013 17:15

What perfectstorm said - every word. Spot on.

FarOverTheRainbow · 01/12/2013 18:53

I did post earlier but for
Some reason I don't know where it's gone

I haven't phoned the police over the drunk text yet but only because I've had a sickness bug but i will
Phone them tomorrow and mention what happened with the knife and ask f I have enough to get an injunction

I'm going to ask about a refuge wednesday, I have my appointment that day and I've told them ill be out by then so I know he'll be driving past my mums to see if I'm there and when I'm not he'll be desperate to find out where I am

The police have told me if I update the software on my phone I can block him so tomrrow when I'm better I'm going to make space on my phone and update it and block him. I'm due a phone upgrade my phone at the Ed of the month but I would ideally like to get a new phone and number and just leave him with my old
One so when things te sorted with DD that's the only number he will have to contact me and I can
Control when I see whatever messages by turning my phone on and off

OP posts:
stickysausages · 01/12/2013 20:52
Thanks
FarOverTheRainbow · 02/12/2013 10:28

Feeling a little better today but its still a nightmare
Moving things. DD seems to have a wild time which isn't great for me.

OP posts:
ShinyBauble · 02/12/2013 16:06

The worst will be over soon. Keep going! Smile

FarOverTheRainbow · 02/12/2013 19:57

Wow I phoned the police to report more texting and they said that it doesn't count as harassment excuse its very very minor and he's not threatening to hurt me or get me so it doesn't warrant an officers time. She said because we have a little girl together were always going to have to have some sort of communication because of her and she needs her mum and dad and I explained that I've tried to hard to make it that way, I took him shouting at me at drop offs and put up with it to make sure she could see her dad but when e sends her back covered in mess there has to be a cut off and while this is all going through the court and I've told him do not contact me there's no reason why he should but she said it doesn't really count Hmm

I'm pissed off annoyed

Still got packing to do, I've got a an tomorrow so hoping to get most of it moved out then

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/12/2013 20:14

Call back and say that you want to report harassment, that you are not going to be told you are making a fuss over nothing and perhaps they ought to check their abuse guidance.

You need to make a report. Don't let them fob you off.

Tell the police that you have been threatened by him and that having a child means that you need more protection from them not less.

Ask to speak to a superior officer if you are not taken seriously.

Can WA help you in this?

FarOverTheRainbow · 02/12/2013 20:21

Just as I hung up from them he texted again Shock asking how DD is and can I please text him my solicitor details. Is he trying to make me look like IBU by not texting him back? How can he say "noted" then text me 5 times! Will he say that I'm being bad by not letting him know how DD is?

I've tried calling WA and left a message for them to call me back

OP posts:
ShinyBauble · 02/12/2013 20:33

I've never been in this situation, does he NEED her solicitor's details? Surely his solicitor can make contact with her directly?

I can only assume that he hasn't acquired a solicitor yet, or he is acting on his sister's advice, who probably doesn't know what she is talking about.

I would continue to ignore, Far. He's clearly not motivated enough to get the ball rolling by himself. If he is not going to proceed until he has an answer from you, he'll be waiting quite a while!

FarOverTheRainbow · 02/12/2013 21:03

He knows my mums address and knows any mail that goes there will 100% get to me so there's no reason why he hasn't gone and done that unless his sister is acting on his behalf and they just want to send it directly to my solicitor and keep me out the loop? Not sure. I'm sick of the confusion. I'm sick of waiting to see what comes in the post everyday. I've asked him to leave me alone and apparently he understands that so why can't he listen?

OP posts:
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