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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

608 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2013 21:49

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

OP posts:

ShinyBauble · 02/12/2013 21:11

No, your solicitor would share all correspondence with you.

I'm surprised that his legal genius sister hasn't advised him to crack on with all this. Perhaps they want to know who you have hired, before they hire someone? Just keep doing what you're doing, don't tell him anything.

perfectstorm · 02/12/2013 21:13

Talk to Women's Aid/Rights of Women, and also call your mobile phone provider and explain you're being harassed by an ex and his family constantly and would like a new number. See what they can offer you. If they aren't helpful, get a new provider if you can leave the current one.

If he hasn't got the number, he can't get in touch except via letter.

perfectstorm · 02/12/2013 21:16

Yeah, on the solicitor sharing correspondence point, they don't just tend to, they have to. A friend has an excellent solicitor she trusts implicitly, so she asked not to see most of the wanker ex's bollocks and lies. She was told, very sympathetically, that the solicitor has no choice - it wouldn't be ethical not to keep a client fully apprised of everything. Nor does he need a solicitor's info to start contact proceedings.

He's just looking for excuses to harass you. Plain and simple.

Original poster

FarOverTheRainbow · 02/12/2013 22:14

I've left a message with WA. I can't understand why he's still texting me, surely they've worked out this goes towards harassment? Ill be glad to talk to the local WA type place Wednesday.

This is the first time he's ever just texted asking how DD is. He's never bothered before, not when she's been ill, not when he went on holiday. Why does he suddenly care? Is this ment to prove he's a doting dad? It was only a few days ago he was sending nasty texts and now he's flipped the coin

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/12/2013 22:18

Watch and learn love.

This is what they all do. He's using every trick in the book.

Don't fall for it. It's all contrived.

Original poster

FarOverTheRainbow · 02/12/2013 22:23

The coin will soon clip back when he realises I haven't danced to his tune and walked away with nothing like he wants. That's one reaction I'm not looking forward to

OP posts:

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 06:46

You don't need to worry about his reaction if you sort the phone out and he doesn't have any way to bully you. Honestly, you need to cut that communication route.

Hope local WA are helpful, and soon. Hang on in there - almost free of it. xx

Original poster

FarOverTheRainbow · 03/12/2013 07:13

WA were helpful said that the police were wrong to give me that advice ad that's something I could make a complaint to them about. They said that I don't had to take it and even when access is as stablished by the courts I still don't have to accept contact with him and it is reasonable to go completely through a contact centre.

Wow today is the main moveday. Still unsure if I should take certain things. Still feel like I've got loads left to pack. It's going to be one busy busy day wish me luck

OP posts:

Hissy · 03/12/2013 07:24

He knows you're moving today yes? If he shows up, if his parents show up, shut the door and call the police.

Original poster

FarOverTheRainbow · 03/12/2013 08:17

He thinks I'm
Moving tomorrow so trying to get it all done today and tomorrow can just give the place a quick clean

OP posts:

Hissy · 03/12/2013 08:26

Ah true, got me dates mixed up!

Divinity · 03/12/2013 08:27

Take what you want Far, you can always give it back later if you want to but you know you'll never get anything else once you move.

Remember to check the attic, shed and garage too.

Best if luck today. Hope it goes smoothly for you.

springyticktack · 03/12/2013 08:42

That policewoman is talking out of her arse. Are you moving into a refuge btw? You'll get support there, not least to make a complaint about what this policewoman said.

Good luck today. Ignore, ignore, ignore him and his texts. Radio silence, ok? He's only thrashing around, trying every trick. His legal-whizz ( ) sister probably put him up to asking about dd.

passedgo · 03/12/2013 08:55

I would let him deal with your solicitor - but perhaps tell him 'my solicitor will contact you'. Give your solicitor his details and ask them for advice. It might be good if he does contact your solicitor as any conversation will be on the record.

This would also feed him a line to keep him quiet for a while. If you go completely cold turkey in that respect his reaction, whether rightly or wrongly, will be panic and fury - perhaps your solicitor will be best person to deal with that (and making notes).

passedgo · 03/12/2013 08:56

And good luck for today, get it done now, asap, and get off mumsnet!

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 09:43

No need to tell him anything at all. When you have a solicitor, s/he can write to him stating that s/he is representing Far and all communication is to go via that route.

If she responds in any way she undermines the no contact statement, and thus her right to formally complain about his ignoring it.

Good luck for today, Far, and take whatever you need and was bought when you were together. He hasn't a leg to stand on there other than via civil courts, and even then you have the receipts and it will all add to the evidence he's controlling and abusive.

Honestly, I hope you're going into a refuge. You could do with the support moving onwards, he won't be able to hassle you there, and you can then access the legal aid you need to protect yourself and dd moving forward.

BlueGoddess · 03/12/2013 10:39

He's probably asking for your solicitor details as he doesn't believe you have the balls to get one. I think telling him that your solicitor will contact him in due course will buy you a bit more time while you are moving.

Good luck for today.

ShinyBauble · 03/12/2013 11:00

No offense BG, but she shouldn't tell him that. It puts the pressure back on her - cue aggressive calls from his family about why they haven't heard anything yet. The onus is on him to take action. If he wants to sit with his thumb up his arse waiting for Far to do everything, let him wait.

Leave early tomorrow if you can Far, just leave the keys on the inside doormat, you don't need to tell them you've gone. Hopefully you can avoid seeing any of them. Remember to take a few pics too, to prove the place was left in good condition. Though I doubt they would try to take you to court, I still believe they would want to avoid legalities.

(If you know their lender, consider making an anonymous report when he moves in. It's illegal for a relative to be the tenant in a buy to let mortgaged property.)

stickysausages · 03/12/2013 12:23

I agree it sounds suss that the tenancy was in your name, like they're fiddling something.

Good luck today, you're kicking ass

Original poster

FarOverTheRainbow · 03/12/2013 13:10

This is bloody stressful

OP posts:

TinTinsSexySister · 03/12/2013 13:16

Just the move, or has something else happened?

I'm de-lurking but not sure I'll be much help! I will try

Hissy · 03/12/2013 13:18

yes it is. Moving IS stressful. Situations like this are stressful. Wrap it all up together and yes, you are stressed.

Understand that this is normal, part and parcel of moving/ending things and being involved with a twat. Understand this and accept it, know that you will get through it and you are growing in strength every day.

Keep going. Remember the prize - the look on his face when he realises you have taken every stick of your belongings. The faster you pack and move, the sooner that time will come.

You won't see it, but you will know it.

Get your new phone line sorted in good time for that btw. You need to switch your number off for a while so you wont have him hassling you.

If any reply needs sending it's 'I remind you NOT to contact me'

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 13:58

Honestly, don't respond. You've told him no contact and any response just feeds his harassment, plus dilutes your case that it is harassment as you are then engaging with the conversation.

Moving is so stressful, I know. Soon be over though and you'll be able to breathe a sigh of relief somewhere safe. Hang on in there, lovely. This is the last bit of connection before you can start to build your fab new independent existence for yourself and your daughter.

Divinity · 03/12/2013 13:58

Concentrate on your move today Far. It's completely normal to be stressed on moving day. Put the other stuff aside for later. Take what you want as there's not going to be another chance. You can always give things you find you don't need back but there's zero chance of him giving you anything you left.

perfectstorm · 03/12/2013 14:00

What Divinity said.

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