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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

608 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 27/11/2013 21:49

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

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perfectstorm · 06/01/2014 02:35

Sweetheart remember him screaming at her to shut the fuck up as a tiny baby? Being willing to see her in a homeless hostel so as to get rid of all responsibility for housing her? Stealing from you by threatening not to give her back unless you let him? Lovely, how on earth would growing up in a house with a man like that, fulltime, and seeing how he treated you and seeing you fail to protect her from a woman who wanted to spend hours alone with her, end breastfeeding, and enjoyed seeing her cry be to her benefit?

Never doubt you've done the right thing. You tried to set boundaries to protect her and then he ended the relationship in favour of an OW. He's never paid his way properly as her dad. He's abused her mother. How is that a life any child should lead - should she grow up thinking that's all she in turn has any right to expect? Yes, they probably will try to poison her, but with limited contact she will end up making her own mind, and it won't do them any favours. The parent who is calm and doesn't throw accusations around or involve her in conflict, but who genuinely loves her, is the one she will remember as being there for her, and trust. You can offer her a calm, loving, stable and secure childhood in a lovely forever home now. You can offer her warmth and good boundaries and peacefulness. You've achieved that for her, and you should be proud.

This is such a hard time. But this too shall pass, and you will have a lovely life in the future. You just have to hang on in there through these bits, and try to enjoy the positives you do have - loving parents, gorgeous child, nice new home. It's all there and all real, which the relationship you thought you had sadly wasn't. He doesn't sound very capable of loving anyone, sadly, and probably learned that at his mother's knee. Sad

FarOverTheRainbow · 06/01/2014 09:17

when I read that I know your right storm. its just so many what if this and what if that Sad

I was reading up on different kinds of abuse last night and it was eye opening but not in a good way. things I was reading that was abuse from a partner I didnt think were. like they say a partner putting alot of pressure on you to do sexual things you dont want is abuse but I thoufht it was him just trying his luck ?

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springysofa · 06/01/2014 09:56

Have a look here to see where there is a Freedom Programme near you. As they say rather forcefully on this page lol, if nothing comes up then that's all there is in your area. Perhaps you could ask the refuge to get a course going there?

Yes it is abuse to put pressure on someone to do sexual things they don't want to do. tbh I'm sad that you don't get that, but it is very probably all part of the abuse that you've been led to believe he's just a bloke - with uncontrollable sexual urges Hmm - trying it on. Love doesn't force.

storm is probably better at advice on this but, given the history, would he only get supervised contact? If so, I bet my hat he won't turn up - then, hopefully, you'll be rid of him for good. I do hope so. yy children need a father but not if he's an abusive arsehole. Children are much better off with no father than an abusive father.

Have you read Living With the Dominator? It is the handbook for the Freedom Programme - excellent (difficult to read sometimes though...). You can also do the Freedom Programme online - though imo it is better to do it in a group.

tbh if there's damp in the property I would hold out for it to be resolved before you move in - which will perhaps give you some more time at the refuge?

FarOverTheRainbow · 06/01/2014 10:45

I've found a freedom programme it's about 30-40 min drive ay but I've emailed them asking for some more information

I do understand that certain things are wrong. I just thought because he always stopped in the end it was trying his luck.

I haven't read the book. I only really know what I've been told on here and what I've spoken to the refuge about and my horrible google search.

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HoratiaDrelincourt · 06/01/2014 11:07
Sad

I've been there, Far. In fact it wasn't until I saw DH get angry and speak very fluently in condemnation of XP that I actually understood how much of what he had done was abusive, and not just the obvious things.

FarOverTheRainbow · 06/01/2014 14:42

I had support this mornjng and she said I shouldn't google but ask her about what ever I want to know and I said theres things. I dont want to ask and she said that all.sorts could come up on google and when im . ready I should ask her about it

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Jux · 06/01/2014 17:40

Google can be quite scary. Maybe she doesn't want you to have to cope with stuff you'll find there unsupported and so would prefer you to talk to her, then you won't be on your own trying to cope with horrid realisations which could destabilise you and upset you?

I am sure there is nothing she hasn't heard before though, especially as abuse tends to follow a pattern, whether it's from parents, lover, in-laws, friends, spouse.

FarOverTheRainbow · 06/01/2014 21:26

google is scarey so don't think ill be doing that in a hurry again. after reading it though I have other questions but private ones iyswim and I dont want them to think im dramatic or anything like that

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FarOverTheRainbow · 07/01/2014 11:44

I went to my welfare appaointment this morning and I have to go bafk on monday and he is going to . look into whay grants I can apply for and has told.me the council prefer you to apply for a budgeting loan aswell before theu give out certain grants. the refuge have applied for a cooker for me

im having a had day. I lost mt phone then found it then dropped my phone ans smashed it and then I lost my car park.ticket and found it then forgot to pay now the dog isnt well ans ia going to the vets Sad

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GatoradeMeBitch · 07/01/2014 11:55

They say these things come in threes Far, so hopefully that's all your bad luck out of the way now!

springysofa · 07/01/2014 11:56

They won't think you're dramatic. It's probably you who thinks it's dramatic though? It takes a while to take on board the realisation that we've been abused - it's tough going to face it, grappling with shame, embarrassment, confusion sometimes, that we're fake. Etc!

springysofa · 07/01/2014 11:57

x-post (hung out the washing in between!). Sorry to hear you're having a crap day Far! xxxx

FarOverTheRainbow · 07/01/2014 15:13

the dog has been admitted for more tests bless him Sad

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FarOverTheRainbow · 08/01/2014 14:42

my mums phoned ige got a letter.from.cafcas saying allegations have been made against me.and a court date for next month somim going tonget the letter now

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whitsernam · 08/01/2014 15:13

Keep breathing. Try not to react until you read the letter and run it by legal team at the refuge... If you read this board a bit you'll recognize this is a play lots of abusive men try. They do not succeed very often!! But try to stay steady and don't let him see you get upset. Stay NC as much as possible.

I'll be thinking of you; you have so much to handle!!

GatoradeMeBitch · 08/01/2014 16:22

Your ex really is a humungous bell-end. But as whitsernam says, he is just rummaging in the abusive man's bag of tricks. The courts see this all the time. It's going to look rather silly that he's making allegations against someone he has driven into a refuge.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 08/01/2014 17:02

You know you're neither abusive nor neglectful. You know he is at least neglectful. Breathe. He is an arse still.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 08/01/2014 17:49

Given that you've been in the refuge since you moved out, which I presume he doesn't know, with any luck that should backfire on him quite spectacularly

FarOverTheRainbow · 08/01/2014 20:06

its been another nightmare day Sad

the court date is just over a month away. I stopped writing the diary because it was making me feel awful but tonight im going to carry on and go through the threads ive wrote again too Sad

the refuge have told me not to panic and they have no concerns over me and how I care for DD amd that I need to . speak to ky solictor as she should be handling all of this. thwnletter says there going tontry and contact me by phone but ive changed my number so there not going to be able to so afyer ive spoken to my solictor I need to.make aure either she or I call them with the right details

I dont know why every time he does something it throws me so much Sad you'd thibk id be use to it by now

today ive been at the flat and theres been a leak from upstairs and its started to drip through the celling into DDs room so the emergency council are going to the flat above and I have to call them to come and check mine tomorrow. the damp inspector come out today and said that my . kitchen needs replastering but could take over 2 weeks to get done

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springysofa · 08/01/2014 20:34

oh good, more delay so you'll be ready when the time comes Smile

I don't think we ever 'get used to it' tbh. He's making some serious allegations and it's bound to frighten you in the first instance. But what a joke - he put you in a refuge, his wicket is worse that sticky, he doesn't stand a chance with his allegations. Plus cafcass will get involved and see what he has done - witnessed by the police - which should go some way to strengthening your case.

Hows your dog? Sorry your dog being poorly has come along now, just when you don't need it. I hope everything's ok with him/her - dogs are just the best, eh Smile

FarOverTheRainbow · 08/01/2014 20:59

thanks springy. cafcass are involved but it must be his solicitor that's involved them not mine.

my dog still isnt better but all the tests come back clear so if hew better tomorrow thats good but if not its back at the vets Sad

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perfectstorm · 08/01/2014 21:15

Have you a court hearing date, then and has he formally begun proceedings? If CAFCASS are involved now?

I agree that this is a massive own goal - you're in a refuge and therefore your parenting is observed by third parties other than family... and the allegations won't look good, on top of your being in a refuge because of his domestic abuse of you. His failure to support your parenting in that scenario won't help his case in the least - the direct opposite. It will look just what it is: another attempt to harass and control. So don't panic, truly. Painful as it is that he can stoop yet lower, he's not doing himself any favours, not in the least.

FarOverTheRainbow · 08/01/2014 21:30

in the letter it says that I need to get hold of cafcass as they will try and contasct me by phone and the first court date is 10th feb and I have a reference number for them

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IthoughtATMwasacashpoint · 09/01/2014 17:14

Contacting them is probably something for your solicitor to deal with. That's what she's there for and you really don't need any more hassle.

FarOverTheRainbow · 09/01/2014 19:26

ive got w support meeting in the morning so im glad to have that. I dtill havent worked uo thw courage to ask certain questions though

i feel likeim dying. ive been at the flat all day again and my.muscles are killing me. I cant moan though its finally starting to look different and the women whos wall papering for me is back in work Monday so were going to have a full weekend up there

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