I still haven't moved out, do I take everything? Part 2

[FarOverTheRainbow]

This is a follow on from the first thread I done in AIBU here's the link

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1867926-WIBU-to-move-out-and-take-everything

I can't thank everyone enough for all the help and support you've given me. It's been invaluable and you lovely people have helped get me out of a really dark place and are still doing so. When I read the start of my old thread and think about how I felt 8 weeks ago I never thought I'd be where I am now and even though I still have a long long way to go I wouldn't be half way here if it wasn't for the support here very soppy but so true

I hope I don't lose anyone moving to here

I honestly think at the end of 2014 you will look back and realise that it has been a good year.
Don't get me wrong l do believe you have a lot to do and a lot to get through to get to that place BUT you will get there and be a lot happier and healthier for it.
So l raise my glass to you and your DD (and your DM) and say Happy New Year Far the worst is over and it can only be a better 2014 for you all

I'm really not looking forward to the fight ahead

Yesterday I went out to get my nan some food and I had some, I haven't had this take out since a week or so after we split up and it was so weird but when I first ate some I felt that fear and sickness that I felt that day I last ate it. XP had DD and I was petrified he wouldn't bring her back. I was heart broken and for a minute I felt that way again and then after I actually felt quite proud of myself for being where I am now. Back then I couldnt imagine ever feeling over him or not broken but. I do and I actually don't think I've done to bad.

I know what I said makes me sound crazy btw

No it doesn't make you sound crazy. Things can unexpectedly remind you of him or of situations you were in with him.... sometimes it's a complete ambush and you will have reactions that are very strong, sometimes not so much. But you look like you made it through and were proud of yourself, and you want to remember these times!! Each one is a victory for you, and you need to keep adding to the victories column. Do you keep a diary? I recommend it highly; it can show your progress, and you can use it to talk to yourself.... even record cute things DD does, for future use when you're down, or even just to remember when she's older and doesn't do such cute things.

You're doing super well - keep going!!

I dont no why but im feeling really fed up the last few days ive been re reading this thread and it makes me angry and writing this diary I dont like re thinking about things and how good things were and the person thay I was completely in love with then I get slapped with no he isnt thay person how could he be when hes treated you and your child like this sometimes I feel angry or sad I dont like this. its so much easier to . block things out. im not excited about moving either now just feeling negative.

ive got support this morning and then I have to be at the flat for the gas people and im.going to start stripping some walls

He might have carried on pretending to be lovely, which would have been nice for you, but at some point inevitably his asshattery would have started to show.

You weren't stupid to love the lovely picture he showed you. And you aren't stupid to run a mile once you realised it was not real.

In so many ways I would love to be with my first boyfriend, because in so many ways it was wonderful and being able to say I married my high school sweetheart would be ace. But he was manipulative and abusive, so I would have been deeply unhappy eventually, and it meant I had all that time after we broke up to enjoy life without his control, and of course meet DH.

"It will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end."

You and DD deserve your Happily Ever After, Far. Hold on for it.

Your emotions are bound to be swinging about, Far. It all happened so suddenly, your mind and emotions are processing everything, remembering the good times, the bad times, sorting it all out in your head so you can eventually lay it to rest. It is confusing - we all like a quiet life! - but let it roll through and don't worry too much about the extremes of emotion you feel sometimes, it's all part of recovering - you will land in a settled place. Try not to think ahead, take each day as it comes.

Glad to hear you get glimpses that you have done well. You really have!

Oh, Far, you have done well, you have every reason to be proud of yourself. Negative emotions well up, it's inevitable, but gradually there will be fewer of those times, and more of the good times. You do need to face the bad things, but you need to think of the good ones too. You will get more and more good memories and good feelings. It will happen. Remind yourself of those good feelings.

Do you have a counsellor? Is there a Freedom Programme near you? You could do with expert rl support to help get you through these first difficult times when everything is changing very fast, and you are tired and anxious. Let yourself cry sometimes, don't bottle it all up.

We are thinking of you, Far, and holding your hand. You are doing really, really well.

You're bound to have those down moments Far, just keep going. You're doing so well!

all these different emotions confuse me so much. I dont want to miss what was or what I thought would be but I can't help it.

I go to bed alone every night in a refuge and he is living the life of riley with his new gf. I just wish he would leave me and DD alone. I can't see how ill ever be happy he wont let me.

Whats werid aswell is that here ive become really.good friends with ine of the other women and her story is terrible so I feel even more of a fraud for being here but she believes whats happened to me is worse. not that we compare but when were talking about our pasts and things.

I just feel so head fucked

can you belive that ive been in refuge for a month and weve been split up for 3.months

Far, I think you've normalised so much of your daily life with him and his family. It's very common, so don't worry about it, and that's one reason why you are doing so well, as despite having normalised so much of this bad treatment you can still behave reasonably, kindly, generously and lovingly.

One of the worst things about emotional abuse is there is nothing to see, and yet the damage done can be immense. It is wonderful how you and your girls - especially your girls - are blossoming.

See if you can find out about the Freedom Programme in your area. It will help you get through the time as you return to what is actually normal life, reset your boundaries and help you recognise controlling people early so you don't wind up in a repeating pattern, also help you to regain confidence in yourself and self-esteem.

When all that stuff kicked off you went into survival/fight(and flight) mode, there wasn't time to process anything. NOw you are settled and the threat is not in your face 24/7, the shock and anger and loss has the space to come out. Your psyche has been (and is now) protecting you, so go with it. All the choppy emotions are part of the healing, uncomfortable as they are. Let them roll through - they have to come out to get you to the other side safely.

I know it's been said before but it bears repeating: you wouldn't have got a place in a refuge if you were a fraud. There is no way a 'fraud' would get past their eagle eye. Not only that, they wanted to extend your time there. You're there because that's the appropriate place for you to be. It's common to feel a fraud, largely because we can't quite grasp what has been happening to us - it's quite hard to face.

Of course you're going to miss him - as far as you were concerned, your future with him was mapped out - and now it, and he, has gone. There's so much to miss, even though you know now that he's a bad lot. Of course it's enraging that you've had to flee for your protection while he's (so say?) 'enjoying himself' (though you don't know that!). BUT you are meeting some great people, you are getting some amazing support, and you are learning invaluable stuff about healthy relationships. All excellent for you and your daughter's future.

Keep going lovely, you've done so well xxx

The new house is a great way to build you up again. Think of stripping those walls as you peeling away that thick skin you've had to grow to protect you. Then when you paint it up again you are healing yourself, becoming the person you always wanted to be.

And try and let him go. He will move on, find his own happiness, try to rise above it and mentally wish him well.

ive read up about the freedom programme online but cant find one in my area hut ill.look properly when DD is in bed

I don't know why in suddenly feeling like this though. why am I.missing someone I hate? I dont love him and I no that I don't

I havent got a councillor but isnt that what my.aupport worker is for aswell?

Read the advice on here - so many lovely, wise people helping you - and recognise that your emotions will be all over the place for a long time to come.
But you HAVE done the right thing and things WILL get better. Wish I could hold your hand.

Far, ask the staff or your dv person or a gp if there's something like the Freedom Programme. FP isn't everywhere but there's usually something similar.

I feel like I've taken so many steos5 backwards. Why am I hurting again? I dont even bloody want him.

I just need.a.winge

You're grieving for the life you thought you'd have.

This time of year is tough anyway, please try to see how far you've come x

?? how could I have been so wrong about him? I was with him for years it's not like I didn't know him. How could I have been so blind and now my poor DD is going to suffer

I think this is why I doubt myself to because I was with him for so long how could he suddenly change and it become 'abuse' maybe it was me that changed or things weren't as bad and I'm just remembering them to be worse

I'm so scared of the future. Of the courts. Of him. Of moving back. Even moving is stressful. I can't make decisions and now I have so many to make that should be simple but there not, silly things like what colour do you want to paint your kitchen makes me worry for ages about picking the wrong colour and when I decide I doubt myself. I thought when I moved I'd enjoy the freedom of being able to make my own decisions but I hate it

Far, think back though, to before dd was born, before you were pg. wasn't his mum the driving force in your lives? Wasn't she trying to force you to do things you didn't want to do? And was he backing you or letting her get on with it?

Sometimes we gloss over things because they only affect us, we are unsure whether we are being selfish when we are told forcefully that something we're not keen on is actually best for 'the family' and so on.

Then a child is born and as parents we care more about protecting that child than we do about protecting ourselves. And then we fight back a bit. And then we see what is going on.

Does that make any sense to you?

Your DD won't suffer, she'll be secure and loved and safe from the abuse she and you were suffering.

It all gets a but overwhelming doesn't it. Try and think about one thing at a time.

Things will all start to fall into place once you're in your own place and realistically, if you decide you don't like the colour you paint the kitchen, there's nothing to stop you doing it again

Picking the right colour paint is always stressful, even when you aren't going through hell and back!

I hesitated about posting this before but I think it may help you re missing him but knowing he's a dick. I read a book by a woman who murdered her husband (who had been unbelievably cruel to her, just to give the picture) - and she grieved him. Full, proper grief. Emotions aren't always logical. You miss your life, what you thought your life would be, the security, the comfort. You miss him and what he was, what you thought he was, what he maybe was at some point. You miss going through life with someone else at your side. Of course you're going to miss him - a LOT.

It'll take a while for your head to catch up with what's happened. Go easy on yourself, lovely, these are challenging times. You are having to learn to make decisions alone and, if you've been together a long time, that's a challenge. re the paint colour, maybe go for a neutral colour to start with - perhaps a calm colour like a light taupe? MInd you, I went mad when I left my abusive husband and painted the house in the most ridiculous colours. That's where I was at and it was a help to me at the time - he had been so controlling I needed to splurge out and go mad.

and yes, I agree with Ithought that your dd won't suffer - she is safe with you, she wasn't safe with him.

I think things have been so horrendous and extreme that you've not actually had time to mourn for the life you thought you had and would have with your ex, when you were in denial about what was happening with his family, before you had your dd. I agree that the catalyst for you was protecting her from the way that family interact, and it opened your eyes. And that's to your credit - sadly a lot of women are so bogged down in denial and familiarity they don't see what's being done to their babies. It's normal to start the new year after a big year with major changes feeling sad, I think, especially when writing a diary that goes through the history and makes you feel unsettled about what you thought you had, now seen through new eyes. And it's also normal after a huge change requiring a great deal of initiative and effort on your part to want to be able to just chill out and relax, while you have to make all these choices and keep being organised and busy, all while caring for a nursing baby as a single mum. That's a massive load for anyone - give yourself credit on how well you've done, how much you've achieved and what a brilliant mother you are proving yourself to be.

Try to remember that the court proceedings aren't actually as stressful as you anticipate because you aren't the one seeking contact, and you aren't wanting him never to see her again - just for contact to benefit and not harm her. You're doing everything right to achieve that, and his tantrums and demands are just noise.

I agree with the poster who talked about the Freedom Programme. It might be really empowering for you, from the way other women have posted in the past.

Cantabile - yeh that does make sense. I'm the person that's ment to protect my DD and put her first at all times and I've tried to do that. I just never thought that I would have to lose everything to do it but she comes first. I want to do the best by her.

Tbh I don't understand how she's not going to suffer in some way. She's still going to be around them and they will try and poison her so that is going to effect her. How do I deal with that? Theres nothing I can do to stop that.

Springy - I miss who he was and what were were. I know what we had was good but then I know its because I went along with everything because I would do anything to make him happy but I thought that's what your supposed to do in relationships and when you love someone.

I thought I would love the chance to decorate and choose for myself but I really don't. I do know what I want everything to be quite light and feminine but it's deciding what now is the problem.

Perfect storm - I do wonder though if maybe I could have protected her better if we were still together. She would grow up with a mum and dad and I would be around them when there with her to make sure everything's okay and she's safe. It just scares the hell out of me them messing with her head. She is a perfect little girl and I love her with everything in me and I just want her to have a happy problem free childhood. To have fun memories and not sour ones.

I can't find the freedom programme in my area but I have a support meeting tomorrow so I'll talk to my support worker about it then and see if she knows of anything around.

I've had a full on day stripping the new flat today and under the old wallpaper the kitchen has loads of damp so I need to phone the council tomorrow and see what they say and also the women who was doing my wall paper for me has fractured a rib and can't do it so now I need to find someone else