Am I being selfish guy here? - sex after pregnancy issue

[blueeyedguy]

Hi all,

wondering if I could get some advice from a females perspective.

My partner and I have 2 children, one 3 and another who is 13 weeks old.

After the birth of our second it became apparent that my partner had an issue with a bladder prolapse which has become an obstacle in getting being able to get our sex life back on track. I have been supportive with this and tried to keep my own high sex drive under control and not been a pest to her.

Penetrative sex would be difficult for us, but am I selfish for asking for her to perform oral sex or handjob on me in the meantime?

On the occasion I asked, and tried to be as tactful about it as possible, I was told "why, what am i going to get out of it"? Also, understandably so she says breastfeeding our little one doesn't really make her feel sexy.

Now I understand her position, it must be very frustrating for her, and I am happy to wait if it needs to be like that, but I cant help thinking that helping me out wouldn't be really a big deal?

If roles were reversed I wouldn't mind easing her frustrations as making her happy makes me happy.

Assuming that the OP isn't actually here to get some jollies from one of the usual sites, in answer to your question, yes, you are being massively selfish and insensitive, not to mention quite dim, in relation to your understanding of a woman't body.
Quite apart from the fact that your baby is only 13 weeks old and very many people aren't having sex for several months after a "normal" birth let alone one that has caused severe trauma, do you even realise that your wife could well have severe pain if she even gets remotely sexually aroused? Perhaps a comparison that you can understand would be , how would you feel if you had to be circumcised and an erection would cause immense pain , sexually relieving your wife would be the last thing on your mind as getting aroused yourself is a normal process when giving sexual pleasure.

Are you even remotely concerned with the damage that has happened to her body?

As for the "manhater" quips, most posters on this board are in happy, long term relationships and know what does and does not constitute a decent partner - a loving and respectful man would never ask his wife for sexual favours in these kind of circumstances, in any circumstances actually.

Bobbywash Some unacceptable views where brought up.They were challenged.

what about this do you find troubling?

Every week there is a man on here, frustrated and lacking in empathy for his dp who has just recently given birth and not been in the mood for sex, moaning that he is not getting what he feel he is entitled to and wonders how to get laid/satisfied.

I mean, the baby is born, this massive bump that he thought was the reason why his dp was not in the mood, is gone, so why can he not just dive in.

No thought for how she feels. How she is healing. How she is adapting to motherhood. Whether she is knackered or not. Oh, no. Just straight onto "Baby is born, now how do I go about getting sex"

And to illustrate, there are men who has had some minor procedure done, or had a cold, and "obliged" to satisfy their horny women, and cannot understand how a major thing such as pregnancy, and birth, possible tears, sore bits, and birth complications, could possibly be any different.

The Fanjo looks and feels so different after childbirth, it is no wonder many women feel self conscious, in addition to pain and discomfort.
The first time after my oldest son was born, dh went to have "a look" down there when eventually I started feeling recovered enough, and he resurfaced with shock on his face saying "Darling, you look so different down there, I think a doctor need to look at this." and I ended up scared and in tears. Did you know there are more than 50.000 nerve-cells down there, and more in the muscles of the uterus area, which are connected, and even the muscular contractions of being turned on can end up in shooting pains.

Sex is supposed to be a wonderful thing.

Thats just the thing Jan45, we don't always need to agree with each others opinion. that's fine and that's the whole point of a debate.

There is, however, no need to be abusive as others have been. It just makes the posters look like a hoard of manhaters.

It isn't about being selfish. It is about his approach to sex. That his sexual desire is a need, that he requires his wife to service that 'need', that it is not particularly important to his sexuality that his wife enjoys the sexual activity he believes he requires and is entitled to.

I think having a wank will not solve this problem, which is his.

I would prefer he explored a little bit more these core beliefs he seems to have internalised because I suspect what he wants is his wife to pay him attention instead of the baby and his jealousy is making him behave hatefully and hurt fully towards her. Very worrying that this is manifesting in his sexuality too.

Am not being overly dramatic when I say this is abusive behaviour, it simply just is. We all behave abusively sometimes. What we do to recognise and change it is very important IMHO.

Or even worse he wants to assert his entitlement to his wife's body over his baby's.

How come so many men who find their way here are from the planet of not-a-fucking-clue?

Bela, how come there are so many clueless men? How do they manage to find a partner who wants to procreate with them? I am disappointed in evolution. This whole survival of the fittest is outdated. Mother nature, you got it wrong, it should be survival of the smartest.

We would not be doomed then!

Andy, really? Women who don't agree with this behaviour are 'manhating'?
As clearly ALL men feel and act this way? I disagree with Jan45. Does that make me woman-hating? It seems a very weak rebuttal.

It's manhating not to accept that men's opinions are just that little bit more valid and their feelings just a little bit more deep.

The OP reeks of male entitlement.

A woman's prolapse is described as an "obstacle" to getting a sex life "back on track".

FFS.

OP you need to stop thinking so much about your penis and which one of your wife's orifices might be in good enough nick to service it.

You are being much worse than simply selfish. Have a word with yourself and grow the fuck up. And please apologise to your wife for your requests that she sexually service you whilst she is probably going through one of the hardest physical and emotional experiences of her life.

This is awful, the poor guy asked a question

It took him 5 replies to say "ok, point taken, I get it"

Give him a break

'A horde of man haters'

Riggght. How dare they find someone posting such callous, selfish, entitled bullshit about a new mother on a predominantly female site offensive. Get back to your needlepoint.

It's a very sad indication of how some people still see womens' sexuality as inferior to mens, not as important , quite irrelevant really, do you feel that having a woman suck your cock is seen by her as a chore like the ironing, she can just switch off and do it with no physical or emotional reaction?

Why would a man want the woman he loves and cherishes to be little more than an animated wank-sock?

Join ~ mens opinions are more valid than woman's ?

And there's nothing deep about expecting to stick your dick somewhere that feels nice neither because of needs..regardless of how your missus feels about it.

do not underestimate the sheer horror of having another living being attached to you 24/7. I could not STAND being touched in any way by DH at that stage. Yes it was tough on him but quite frankly I didn't give a fuck. It was tough on me feeding our baby to keep it, you know, alive.

^^This. Even after I stopped BFing....just having 2 kids hanging off of me all day one being a baby who you have to pick up and tote around constantly. I am just plain touched out. It doesn't mean I don't love my DH or find him attractive etc - I am just tired and have given so much of myself physically during the day IYKWIM?

Oh dear the poor op! Some people on the Internet who he doesn't know think he is unreasonable... He must feel TERRIBLE... Like oh perhaps someone vulnerable being coerced into sexual activity they don't want by someone who is supposed to love, respect and support them(!)

Gamerchick - read Join's post again, properly

And I agree with Offred - the attitude in the OP is quite disturbing.

Why on earth would a man in this position not just sort himself out? Surely it is blindingly obvious to a decent man that the last thing on his partner's mind at the moment is him getting his sexy.

Repellent.

I sort of hope this is a wind up. If it isn't, well the OP needs to really examine his attitude towards women and parenthood and ask himself if there isn't a territorial aspect to his attitude towards the woman he has become a parent with.

This reminds me of those men who want their wives to give up breastfeeding so that they get "their" playthings AKA breasts, back.

Vile.

See, you think it's all ok because he's decided his attitude is a bit selfish, and as you put it up thread, he didn't force himself on her. So all fine. However, lots if the women here see something further - that he seems to genuinely not take in board that his attitude to his wife providing a service isn't really ok regardless of the circumstances. She's not a rented convenience at any time.

But I'm dismayed at the attitude to women who've just given birth. Rather than being cherished by their partner, being seen as remiss for failing to perform sexually is such a depressing and utilitarian view.

Why is it missing a question mark?

Gamer- read it again, this time with your tongue in your cheek!

Ahh righto carry on. Ty

Don't know if you are still around OP.

Is this ONLY about physical sex, or is there more to it - do you miss the more emotional side of intimacy too? If so, there are other ways to work on that with her that don't involve physical sex.

It's probably still to early, especially if she's BF, but you could give her opportunities to remind herself that she is not 'just' a mother of a new born, and now a mother of two, she is still her own person and still the same person that she was before. When it is feasible from the point of view of your newborn, organise a 'date night' - dinner, cinema and drinks, whatever it is that you both like doing that will give you a chance to connect again. Don't view it as a lead in to sex - enjoy the time with her for what it is. And until then, things like enabling her to have a bath with candles, stuff like that.

Please don't underestimate how devestating birth injuries can be - they can change your entire view of and relationship to your body, there can be a lot of self disgust, and some of the symptoms - bulging, pain, difficulty walking, incontinence - can be extremely distressing.