Am I being selfish guy here? - sex after pregnancy issue

[blueeyedguy]

Hi all,

wondering if I could get some advice from a females perspective.

My partner and I have 2 children, one 3 and another who is 13 weeks old.

After the birth of our second it became apparent that my partner had an issue with a bladder prolapse which has become an obstacle in getting being able to get our sex life back on track. I have been supportive with this and tried to keep my own high sex drive under control and not been a pest to her.

Penetrative sex would be difficult for us, but am I selfish for asking for her to perform oral sex or handjob on me in the meantime?

On the occasion I asked, and tried to be as tactful about it as possible, I was told "why, what am i going to get out of it"? Also, understandably so she says breastfeeding our little one doesn't really make her feel sexy.

Now I understand her position, it must be very frustrating for her, and I am happy to wait if it needs to be like that, but I cant help thinking that helping me out wouldn't be really a big deal?

If roles were reversed I wouldn't mind easing her frustrations as making her happy makes me happy.

Yes, you are bring the selfish guy.

You're also being a massive tool.

Don't put this additional stress into your wife please. Poor woman!

If she feels like doing something sexual, she'll let you know, I'm sure!

In the meantime, have a posh wank, and stop fucking whining.

Sheesh.

My advice is quite concise:

Have
A
Wank

HTH.

HAWHTH - it could catch on, eurochick.

Giving massive benefit of the doubt, maybe you, having never had the experience of being a straight woman, genuinely don't realise that giving a hand job/oral sex is actually not that great as a standalone thing for most women, and also takes quite a bit of energy which she probably doesn't have to spare at the moment. You refer to not minding at all if she wanted you to "help her out" in a similar way. I do sometimes just wonder if it is totally different for a man - less energy consuming perhaps? I've never been a man or slept with a woman, so who knows. It's not really an experience we can compare, even if you're bisexual there are still going to be biological differences.

Yes, oral sex/hand jobs can be an amazingly sexy and enjoyable thing to do for your partner, but generally only if you're actually aroused in the first place. When you're not, it's not particularly fun, it takes ages and quite a bit of physical effort, and there isn't really any reward apart from your partner's happiness. Again, great, when you're horny yourself - when you're not, you can end up feeling a bit resentful that this is being touted as the only way to make him happy when you're already doing as much as you can by looking after his child, perhaps even helping out with the housework a bit and generally resting and trying to recover from the birth. There are far more simple and less energetic/boring (sorry, but when it's one-sided it is) ways to make somebody happy than to suck them off.

You refer to not minding at all if she wanted you to "help her out" in a similar way.

From the posts ive seen on here when the situ is gender reversed as well as my own experience i know that statement the OP made is absolute bollocks.

Well you a just a fucking Saint aren't you op? Well done for looking after kids, doing house work taking your share of your parental load...
Actually, if I was a cynical cow I would be thinking "trip trap.Said the little billy goat" Good thing I'm not.

I will start by saying I have never given birth but I can see the OPs point.

Even when i have really bad cramps, headaches, sickness etc I still enjoy giving my DP a blow/hand job and could not imagine having him go without just because I didn't want recuperation.

I think its a nice thing to do for your partner and a good compromise if you arent feeling up for sexual activities yourself.

But you say you enjoy it, soon, so you are getting something out of it.

Amd yeah, giving birth and breast feeding are highly physical things that can change the way your body reacts to touch.

"Would you really enjoy a blow job or a hand job if you knew she didn't want to do it?"

Quite.

By asking her to "sort you out" when she is not interested in sex, you are treating her like a prostitute.

Sex lives normally return to normal.

But I'm not sure I'd ever be able to forget that my husband thought I was there to service him sexually even at the most vulnerable time in my life.

Ick.

Oh, and by the way, your list of how wonderful you are is just a list of what parents of babies do.

Ah, I remember the good old days when my bladder prolapsed after the birth of DD. It was quite an obstacle to sex as it was hanging out of my fanny. Very sexy I think you'll agree.

And as for "if roles were reversed, I wouldn't mind easing those frustrations". How can you possibly know how you'd feel if roles were reversed? When was the last time you gave birth/produced milk/fed a baby two hourly morning and night/had your bladder fall out the end of your cock? What a stupid thing to say.

So she should give you a blow job and...... Nope no mention of doing anything for her

Soontobe you have missed the point. It is not about whether or not the OP's DW might enjoy (or not) giving him a blowjob if she is not up for full sex.

It is whether or not he is BU to expect that she should do this

I would argue not just because she is currently13 weeks pp with a prolapse, bf and sleep deprived, but in fact, ever.

She is no more responsible for satisfying his sexual wants than she is for servicing him domestically. And yet I wonder if he would expect her, particularly at present, to stand at a stove and cook him a meal which she didn't intend to eat herself just because it would "make him happy"? I imagine (unless he does consider her a domestic appliance), if he was hungry and she wasn't, he'd crack on and cook for himself.

That she might occasionally do this as an expression of care or love when 100% fit and well is irrelevant.

That he might voluntarily do the same for her is irrelevant.

He is BU to expect it.

Fuck me, OP, you're brave for coming on here with that question...

Well you got a womans point of view like you asked. Here is a male perspective; I can see where you are coming from when you say that it seems a bit selfish of your wife to not want to pleasure you - you would try and help her out if the situation were reversed you say, but would you really?

Im not sure if you would. Im not sure what a prolapse is, but it doesnt sound great, so the best thing to do just now is probably to not pressure her for sex, ease off the gas and use masterbation as a tool. How does your wife feel about you masterbating?

If she doesnt feel like doing something, you have your answer, so I would just bide my time till things are back to normal a bit. You are maybe doing this already but make her feel wanted and needed by doing things together and with your children, she will soon give in to your charms (give or take a few months to a couple of years).

ye gods, at least this man is actualy -asking- and not just pestering his wife like so so many men! And he's thinking about it!

blueeye its an old truisim that men need sex to feel loved, women need to feel loved to have sex. There's an addendum - they also need to feel out of pain and not exhausted and not having hteir heads taken up with a new baby.

So I don't know if I'd go so far as to say selfish, but yes, now is not the time. Self-reliance is the order of the day for a while, sadly.

also I'd say that the sheer concentration on another human being other than the tiny baby might be a challenge for her. And sexual contact of any sort demands a sort of giving of the self, even at the very best of times, and right now she probably hasn't got anything to give with illness and exhaustion

I will start by saying I have never given birth but I can see the OPs point

OP, could you tell us what the appeal is for you of having sex (albeit not PIV sex) with someone who doesn't want to do it?

OP I suggest you put your own sexual frustrations on ice as it were (if you must, give yourself a daily handjob - no one would mind, honest!) and start thinking about what you can do to make your wife's life easier.

Don't mention sex to her as it's hardly likely that is going to enamour her to you at the moment is it? Instead pick up any slack in the running of the house and children. Show her affection (with no intention of it leading to sex) such as giving her a back massage, running her a bath, cooking something special for her and just be there for her.

Make sure she is getting the correct medical care for her prolapse and take a real interest in her as a person and not just someone who could "service" you when you are feeling frustrated.

If you do anything else I promise you, you will come across like an utter selfish tosser who doesn't deserve a lovely wife and family.

The sex will return providing your wife is treated well by you, gets the right medical care and is allowed to recover in her own time. Surely it's better to wait for that than really screw things up for ever?

OP you do know that the list of things that you do around the house is not exceptional don't you? You aren't doing your DP a favour by looking after your children and doing a bit of housework. Why should she do it all?

Blimey OP, you're brave seeking opinions on here. Though I don't think you've been given enough credit for at least asking the question. The skin on my own back has only just repaired for the flaming I got.

I came on here seeking advice/ a steer as to how to coerce/encourage my wife into having more sex I know

Needless to say, I got the absolute bollocking of my life (justifiably in some senses) My advice, FWIW is to ignore a good percentage of the stuff you read on here it's not called BBC (Bunny Boiler Central) for nothing

I can't say though that it didn't change my thinking somewhat - by giving me a different (if not always correct) perspective. Many (but not all) of the regular posters here seem to exist in this strange MN bubble which seems to me to be very binary. We of course know that life isn't like that.

I feel for you, I honeslty do, but for now (and this is advice that I got from Mumsnet which has actually stood me in pretty decent stead and genuinely made my marriage stronger) you should just self-service. I did and found that my wife's efforts actually picked up in that department. If they don't, by all means raise te issue with her. Despite what you'll be told on here (by some), you're entitled to do that.

OP -- I suggest you do half of all the housework and childcare as a remedy. You will certainly be too exhausted to fancy any sex afterwards and will be lying in bed a quivering wreck, wrapped in old blankets.

"The skin on my own back has only just repaired for the flaming I got."

You should know, OP, that he was flamed because he regularly coerces his wife into sex she doesn't want.

Which seemed to be a path you were going down.

Please don't.

"efforts" tells you all you need to know about that poster's attitude to sex and to his wife.