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Original poster

Am I being selfish guy here? - sex after pregnancy issue

188 replies

blueeyedguy · 27/11/2013 20:53

Hi all,

wondering if I could get some advice from a females perspective.

My partner and I have 2 children, one 3 and another who is 13 weeks old.

After the birth of our second it became apparent that my partner had an issue with a bladder prolapse which has become an obstacle in getting being able to get our sex life back on track. I have been supportive with this and tried to keep my own high sex drive under control and not been a pest to her.

Penetrative sex would be difficult for us, but am I selfish for asking for her to perform oral sex or handjob on me in the meantime?

On the occasion I asked, and tried to be as tactful about it as possible, I was told "why, what am i going to get out of it"? Also, understandably so she says breastfeeding our little one doesn't really make her feel sexy.

Now I understand her position, it must be very frustrating for her, and I am happy to wait if it needs to be like that, but I cant help thinking that helping me out wouldn't be really a big deal?

If roles were reversed I wouldn't mind easing her frustrations as making her happy makes me happy.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 27/11/2013 21:15

I can't write what I want to because I've been warned for PAs recently and I don't want to get in trouble. So I'll just say - giving a handjob or blowjob when you aren't turned on is boring, unpleasant and can feel horrible if you feel pressured into it. It's not a 'service' to provide, it should be part of a mutually satisfying encounter. If she's not up for sex she's not up for sex so just shut the fuck up about it and have a wank. She does not owe you orgasms or the use of her body.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 27/11/2013 21:16

It's an image that's going to fester, that's all I'm saying WeareSix. Doing the packed lunches in the morning isn't going to feel the same. I was going to do DD1 Dairylea... Grin

onlyfortonight · 27/11/2013 21:16
Hmm
Lweji · 27/11/2013 21:18

Do you give her lots of cuddles without further expectations too? And kisses and hugs here and there?

You need to get some physical intimacy, without the pressure for sex.

gamerchick · 27/11/2013 21:19

Man you're brave.

Blow jobs I think would be put of the question thinking back to that time. It would be wise to keep that thought to yourself imo.

You are more than capable of giving yourself a handjob. Concentrate more on being a family and taking as much of the humdrum crap off your lady.

You may think you would be obliging if the roles were reversed .. but your body hasn't took the battering.. your boobs aren't being relied on. You're not feeling that overwhelming sick as fuckedness that you have another human constantly attached that you have sensory overload and just want some personal space.

If somebody gave you some swift kicks to the nads and your arsehole has been stretched to splitting.. would you be wanting to do a bit or oral or otherwise?

JeanSeberg · 27/11/2013 21:20

We need a new section on here AIBUOJTAS... Am I Being Unreasonable or Just Thick As Shit...

ProphetOfDoom · 27/11/2013 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gamerchick · 27/11/2013 21:23

I'm never going to look at a dairylea lid in the same way ever again Grin

TheSinisterTrifle · 27/11/2013 21:27

ReluctantBeing

"I hope she leaves you"

Bloody hell that was just horrible. A man posts who is being a great Dad and a supportive partner needs that! I have worked in many companies where there were 80 plus men to six women and the lack of sex was frequently talked about from Dad's with small dc's

Yep they were Dad's who changed nappies, did night feeds, did the shopping after work and worked 60 hour weeks as well. I am female and have been there with small babies but give the guy a break.......

Yes I didn't want to pole dance in front of DH and ride him like fecking Shergar but I understood where he was coming from.

Grennie · 27/11/2013 21:31

No, if he thinks like this, he is not being a supportive partner. He is being an entitled dick.

BaileysOnRocks · 27/11/2013 21:31

Oh.my.god! ShockShock

ITCouldBeWorse · 27/11/2013 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Darkesteyes · 27/11/2013 21:54

I agree with the consensus on here. Also how solvent are you OP? Enough so you can pay for her to go to a private clinic if need be? Are you prepared to put your money where your mouth is?

TheXxed · 27/11/2013 21:55

Op you are a mess, a complete mess.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 27/11/2013 21:55

13 weeks is a long time without intimacy - hand holding, cuddles, etc. Yes.

13 weeks is not a long time to have not had sex after a normal birth. What is a 'long time' after a birth injury depends on the recovery. It could be months or years.

And what the OP is proposing is not 'intimacy'. It is his wife doing the blow job equivalent of 'laying back and thinking of England'. Because he is a man, with 'needs'.

Darkesteyes · 27/11/2013 21:58

Sinister Trifle it seems to me that a man being a great dad and supportive partner is something that "women should be greatful for" But women being a great mum and supportive partner seems to be just expected as a given.

Lazyjaney · 27/11/2013 22:02

OP you will not get much rational advice here, quite a few posters have agendas.

If you search the site for all the threads asking about how long people took to have sex after pregnancy (just try "sex long after pregnancy") you will get the reports of a large sample of MN women, including those with all sorts of complications, so you can form a far better view.

TheXxed · 27/11/2013 22:04

What sort of agenda are you alluding to lazyjaney?

fifi669 · 27/11/2013 22:04

OP I think you need to sort yourself out for the time being. Hand/blow jobs are incredibly unsexy if you aren't in the mood. I know it must be frustrating but it's part and parcel of new babies. Keep doing what you're doing re:helping around the house and with DCs. Give her lots of hugs and kisses without expectation.... (And then wank in the bathroom). Things will sort themselves out in the long run.

TheSinisterTrifle · 27/11/2013 22:04

Ahh yes. She should LTB.

I concur.

coppertop · 27/11/2013 22:06

"On the occasion I asked, and tried to be as tactful about it as possible, I was told "why, what am i going to get out of it"?"

What was your answer to your partner's question, OP?

Diagonally · 27/11/2013 22:08

Speaking as someone who left a man who couldn't understand that my body was mine and didn't exist purely to service his high sex drive, I'd say back the hell off.

PenguinsDontEatPancakes · 27/11/2013 22:09

The OP is nothing to do with how long women take to fancy sex after childbirth though. It's about the fact that his partner is not ready and he feels that his needs should be met in the meantime.

TheDoctrineOfWho · 27/11/2013 22:10

Would you really enjoy a blow job or a hand job if you knew she didn't want to do it?

TheSinisterTrifle · 27/11/2013 22:12

OP

Things between you and your partner will get back on track. Give it time and you are doing fine.

Both of you sit back and enjoy your dc's because you have a lifetime of fun for you to look forward to. I did not feel sexy for a long time. I looked at my veiny boobs and stretch marks and stitches and baby weight and I was knackered. I thought "How the hell can he fancy this?" but he did and still does.