Am I being selfish guy here? - sex after pregnancy issue

[blueeyedguy]

Hi all,

wondering if I could get some advice from a females perspective.

My partner and I have 2 children, one 3 and another who is 13 weeks old.

After the birth of our second it became apparent that my partner had an issue with a bladder prolapse which has become an obstacle in getting being able to get our sex life back on track. I have been supportive with this and tried to keep my own high sex drive under control and not been a pest to her.

Penetrative sex would be difficult for us, but am I selfish for asking for her to perform oral sex or handjob on me in the meantime?

On the occasion I asked, and tried to be as tactful about it as possible, I was told "why, what am i going to get out of it"? Also, understandably so she says breastfeeding our little one doesn't really make her feel sexy.

Now I understand her position, it must be very frustrating for her, and I am happy to wait if it needs to be like that, but I cant help thinking that helping me out wouldn't be really a big deal?

If roles were reversed I wouldn't mind easing her frustrations as making her happy makes me happy.

I didn't want to hi-jack the thread but please use the correct tenses.

I've been fairly upfront about my shortcomings.

Of course nobody on here has ever bahaved badly/questionably or exercised poor judgement.

Do you see what I mean OP?

Also OP, I hadn't seen that anybody had really picked up on your wife's response to you tactfully asking. I'm not sure that her response was reasonable - but it does point towards a directness in your relationship which means that you (whilst remaining respectful) should be able to approach the matter similarly. I've found that communication is the key. Don't talk it to death (that's what I did) but do raise the matter. You can't make her want sex (I didn't want my wife to do it out of a sense of duty) but nor should you simply say nothing.

OP, I don't think you're an idiot to have asked the question.

The early days with toddler, newborn, breastfeeding, sleepless nights and birth injury are VERY VERY hard for a woman. You know this.

Its hard for the man too - he has to keep working on little sleep, and there is a huge amount to do at home too. And an adult man has to accept that his needs are quite a long way down the list, and just try get on with it and trust that things will get easier.

The best thing you can do is try to support your wife as much as you can. And my tip would be to tell her how fantastic a job she is doing looking after those children and what a brilliant mother she is. Being told this by your OH can really make your day for weeks when you are staggering through the fog of mothering two small children.

In bed, tell her you would like a cuddle and that you don't expect sex. Ask her if she would like a rubbed back. Etc etc. She probably can't even imagine the idea of sex with you at the moment, she feels like her body is f***ed and that it will never heal, she has got children on her all day, she is actually feeding one of them. The idea of sex with you probably actually feels alien to her at the moment. So all you can do is try to find a place for physical affection at least. As time goes on hopefully things will get better but for now sort yourself out (you could ask her if she minds cuddling with while you do it - I often do that with my DH if I am not in the mood).

"I'm not sure that her response was reasonable"

It was an entirely reasonable response to your husband treating you like a whore.

Look at you all broken and knackered and feeding our baby around the clock. Which would you prefer, to suck my cock or just rub it?

You know that you OWE me this service, particularly since I have a such a HIGH sex drive.

Imagine a world where your actually saw your wife as a HUMAN BEING.

Where her obvious discomfort and poor health and exhaustion mattered more to you than who was doing what to your dick.

Thanks Contrarian78, and thank you to some of the more level headed responses here.

Many of the replies made many assumptions about me which I feel is unfair.

I do plenty for my partner and our family, we have a very strong relationship and love each other dearly.

I don't EXPECT a medal, a blowjob, a handjob or anything else in return for what I do because I do it for the love of them and to make them happy.

I tell her everyday how much I love her, how well she is doing with the kids, and how important she is to us.

I also have only approached this gently/cautiously with my partner on a total of two occasions... I have not been pressurising her.

Taking genuine advice from the more calmer posts on here it seems I am being selfish, and looking at the situation I understand now I am.

JYP: Thank you for proving my earlier point. UTTERLY UTTERLY unreasonable/disproportionate. Here in real life, we (men and women) have wants and needs. Although (op) your timing might have been 'less than ideal' I'm assuming you haven't forced yourself on your wife. It's o.k. to ask and be told "no" I'm not sure this quite equates to treating your wife like a whore. I personally felt that her response was not reasonable because and this is where I'll get into real trouble in any sexual relationship you'll end up doing things that don't particularly flick your switch, but that you do for the gratfication of your partner. It should of course always be something you're comfortable doing, but you have the right to ask (without being accused of whore-mongerring) and she has the right to refuse. You should both do so sensitively. From the way you described it, she was not sensitive.

OP: Cut your wife some slack, sort yourself out. Things will hopefully improve.

Some totally over the top responses here, sorry OP, you're only asking a normal question - as has been said, wait it out, use your hand and keep telling her how much you love her, you sound like you're doing A ok.

I'm assuming the above poster is male.

Yes we all do things that don't flick our switch but the postpartum period is a very delicate time even if you haven't had a traumatic time. A prolapse and repair are just HUGE even if there wasn't the transition that having a second child brings.

Honestly. It demonstrates a total lack of understanding of the physical demands of this time. Would it be reasonable for a woman to ask a man for an orgasm while he was recovering from surgery? I would say no. There are times you should be looking at the bigger picture of your partner's wellbeing rather than considering your own sexual needs. My husband has a serious knee injury right now. I'm not all, 'well I know you can't manage a shag and are in pain but I still have NEEDS you can use a vibrator on me can't you?'

S

Sorr

Sorry that was to Contrarian.

I think you have to try and put yourself in her position OP. Pregnancy and childbirth are incredibly traumatic and not just physically. Your body doesn't feel like your own after going through it and that can last a long time. You have aches and pains and you're exhausted and your tits are leaking and you're still bleeding heavily and the last thing you want is to do anything sexual. Would you really want her to do something she doesn't want to? I'm going to assume you're a decent guy and that the answer to that is a definite no. So give her lots of cuddles and affection- NOT trying to get any sexing out of it, but cuddles for cuddles sake with not even the slightest hint of foreplay. She will be ready in her own time and pressuring her will just push her away. Be prepared for it to take a while if that's what she wants and remember that as amazing as her body is for producing your baby, it will feel strange and maybe quite awful to her right now. Be patient and in the meantime just give yourself one.

If you mean me, as my name suggests, I'm very much a female thank you.

"I also have only approached this gently/cautiously with my partner on a total of two occasions... I have not been pressurising her."

Um, if you've asked her to suck you off twice in the past 3 months when she has a major birth injury and isn't interested in sex then YES, you have been pressurising her.

Once should have been way more than enough.

You know how often my husband asked me to attend to his "needs" after I had each of our 3 babies?

Zero times.

Do you know how much sex we have now?

Loads.

Do you know why?

Because he's a great guy who would never even think of asking me to service him sexually when I was physically unwell and not in the humour.

So when I felt better and my libido returned after I stopped breastfeeding, I still really fancied him.

I wouldn't have wanted to go near him if he had repeatedly asked me for hand jobs at the time in my life when I felt most vulnerable and in need of his support.

I struggle to imagine anything that would have put me off someone more completely than them asking me for a sexual service that they knew I wasn't interested in when I was so completely overwhelmed and physically wrecked. And I didn't have a birth injury.

Ok. Let me give you this from your wifes point of view.
Many years ago, when our DCs were small, I felt exactly the same as her. Thankfully, I didn't have a prolapse, but my sex drive totally departed. I was breast feeding, and literally couldn't bear to be touched most of the time. My brain remembered how much I enjoyed sex, but my body just wasn't having any of it.
My DP used to do what you suggest. "How about making me come". Totally the MOST UNAROUSING 5 words EVER!
It totally removes any suggestion that as a woman you are remotely sexual, at a time when your libido has done a bunk and you worry that it will never come back.
And I agree, it DOES make you feel like a whore. Like you are being used for gratification, and how you feel is irrelevant.
Your wife has been through labour. Its often flipping horrendous. Many women end up traumatised. We don't want to never have sex again, but after the pain and injury of labour, and several weeks of non stop feeding/sleeplessness, its often about as far from your mind as it can get.
Rather than being a selfish dickhead, put yourself in her shoes. Do what you can to make her feel good about herself. Spend time with her, look after her and show that you love and want her regardless of her injuries. All you're doing now is sending her the message that you don't want her, you just want a wank.
Go buy a top shelf mag and leave her alone if you cant manage more!

W9w5: That would be perfect if I hadn't already acknowledged that his timing was "less than ideal"

The op comes across as being more reasonable than some are giving him credit for. He's had his internal clock recalliberated and has been sent on his way. Job done.

I always hope that OPs like this aren't true - then at least there isn't an actual woman married to a complete arse.

Urgh.

Not really sure how saying it was 'less tham ideal' is relevant. It's appalling.

I am with Chipping. God we never 'ask' for sexual favours in this house like they were services to be rendered!! There are so many ways to initiate on both sides that don't leave either party feeling like they're there to provide a service. Do people really just baldly and coldly ask for orgasms for themselves without setting up a mutually pleasurable situation? ?? Honestly?

Blimey, from what I've read on here - dipping in and out from time to time - there are plenty of people (mena and women) on here that seem worse than this OP. Please get some perspective.

Plenty of people (of both sexes) are married to complete arses. For the most part we rub along just fine. Im sure that there are plenty on here who could only dream that their partners/husbands worst transgressions were that they'd asked twice in three months for a blow/hand job.

Yes the timing was not ideal and yes he's acknowledged that he was selfish. What more do you want?

I'd like him to start treating his wife as a human being that is just as important as he is.

If he thought of her that way, it would never have occurred to him to be asking for blow jobs when she was so vulnerable.

I'm sure there are, Contrarian. Again, relevance?
"Hey, your husband is a cheating alco so I'm grateful mine just wants me to render sexual services while knackered after major surgery, while sleep deprived and caring for young kids. I am sooooooo lucky!!'.

The thread isn't whether this is world's worst marital transgression. Apparently the woman, in your eyes, was unreasonable for querying what was in it for her. Failing to see how you can deem that unreasonable but think generally being peeved that your wife's insides are in bits because it disrupts your sexual pleasure is, well, alright really.

What Join said!

blueeyedguy

Mate, your brave posting something like that in here. Some posters would be advising your DW to leave you.

In answer to your question, yes I do think your being a little selfish but IMO i think you should wait till your DW feels more loving in a sexual way and she approaches you.

I've got a question for you though;
Your wife said "what would I get out of it?"
Bareing this comment in mind do you think it would turn you on if she was to try and satisfy you but she was in no way turned on by it?

For me, if my wife isn't turned on then I'm not turned on. The whole thing does not work individualy it only works as a couple. For me.

Thinking to the future, what about some mutual masturbation when the time is right. It's a good way to relive some sexual tension.

But please please please, repect your DW and wait for her to be ready.

Awww poor ickle man with his high sex-drive and only two free hands.

Such a shame that humankind need sperm from men for the species not to die out.

It is about time that evolution evolve a female brain in every male head.

My sex drive vanished when I was bf-ing and sex was uncomfortable. If my baby was just 13 weeks, I don't think my dh would be seeing any action.

But I realise that he has his needs and do feel bad that I preferred he sort himself out. He did eventually ask me to wank him which I felt was a reasonable request. So I obliged. I did not feel like a whore, just thought of it as a mechanical action. I am glad he was happy to accept that as a compromise. I would have much preferred that than the pressure of his insisting I had to be aroused (then difficult).

My sex drive has since returned, so it was only temporary.