Am I being selfish guy here? - sex after pregnancy issue

[blueeyedguy]

Hi all,

wondering if I could get some advice from a females perspective.

My partner and I have 2 children, one 3 and another who is 13 weeks old.

After the birth of our second it became apparent that my partner had an issue with a bladder prolapse which has become an obstacle in getting being able to get our sex life back on track. I have been supportive with this and tried to keep my own high sex drive under control and not been a pest to her.

Penetrative sex would be difficult for us, but am I selfish for asking for her to perform oral sex or handjob on me in the meantime?

On the occasion I asked, and tried to be as tactful about it as possible, I was told "why, what am i going to get out of it"? Also, understandably so she says breastfeeding our little one doesn't really make her feel sexy.

Now I understand her position, it must be very frustrating for her, and I am happy to wait if it needs to be like that, but I cant help thinking that helping me out wouldn't be really a big deal?

If roles were reversed I wouldn't mind easing her frustrations as making her happy makes me happy.

I would have much preferred that than the pressure of his insisting I had to be aroused

How does one person insist that another person gets aroused?

You 'just thought of it as a mechanical action'? In that case, isn't it just a task on your 'to do' list.

1. Load washing machine
2. Tidy toys
3. Wank husband.

I really wouldn't want any part of my sex life to feel like a mechanical job I was carrying out for someone else.

And feeling happy he was 'willing' to 'accept' that as a compromise. That sounds awfully one sided.

I really can't imagine my DH wanting me to perform any form of sex act on him if I wasn't aroused and enjoying myself. I mean, never mind even what's in it for me, what on earth is in it for him in that situation?

The poor DW is obviously too knackered to come on here and start a thread about her DH who believes that he is helping her out as he does housework in his own home and looks after his own children and expects her to act like a unpaid whore to 'service' him.

Can't believe the selfish cow hasn't offered him anal whilst she bfs

FFS, well, you know, whatever, if you choose to do it then fine, but know this - I gave into the pressure from my XP because I felt so awful that I was "depriving" him, and I totally dissociated it in my mind with anything sexual. It became, exactly, "just a mechanical action".

It's a really crap thing to do. It totally killed any sex drive I had for him, because like somebody said in one of the very first posts, it had turned sex into a chore. It also totally fucked up my own enjoyment of sex, because I'd got so used to dissociating, that I have to now, over five years later, four years after leaving him, really concentrate on what I'm doing to be able to enjoy sex. I cannot let go and enjoy it because if I let go then my mind wanders and I get totally out of it. It's really shit. To boot, I have developed an automatic "GTFO" response which means that I have to really focus myself and get in the mood for sex to override this which makes me want to push DP away. DP, BTW, has never ever pushed anything and has been unendingly calm and patient about sex, always. The sex that we have is great. But it could be so much easier and less work for me (allowing me to relax and enjoy it more) if I hadn't let my stupid guilt overtake my natural response and forced myself to give sexual favours when I was totally NOT up for it at all.

I'm not looking for sympathy with this post or an argument, in fact I'm going to hide the thread after I post, because it's upsetting me now. And perhaps I am projecting, but I still find it so abhorrent that sex is thought of in this way by so many people. It makes me feel utter despair.

If anyone was EVER in any doubt as to the unreasonableness of some of the posting on here, then they should be directed to this thread.

I did laugh at BuzzardBird's last comment though.

The post from blueshoes demonstrates that we all have/take different opinions/approaches. As Ive previously stated, real life (outseide of this sometimes warped MN bubble) isn't so black and white.

As for those that seem to be carping about the fact that he does his fair share of housework/childcare, I dare say it was only menitoned because that's often a reason that's cited as to why some women have low libidos. The two things aren't necessarily related though.

Bertie your post makes absolute sense. I know you won't read my response to you but I think you may have helped a lot of prole by sharing it.

People

"I am glad he was happy to accept that as a compromise."

You are GLAD your husband was happy to accept you masturbating him as a COMPROMISE?!

That is truly horrific. That you have to feel gladness that your husband's demands for sexual servicing stopped at a handjob and that he didn't force you into performing anything else.

"As Ive previously stated, real life (outseide of this sometimes warped MN bubble) isn't so black and white."

No, you're right. And we all know that.

In real life, lots of women are regularly coerced into sexual activity they don't want by their partners.

In real life many women think they have to "compromise" by offering services they don't feel like providing.

In real life there are men, such as yourself, who think that this appalling situation is ideal and who are not interested in whether the woman they are using is getting any pleasure out of the deal.

blueeyedguy your post has actually made me feel quite sad. I gave birth 16 weeks ago and have had very little intimacy with my husband. I love him very very much and would love to be intimate again with him but here's why I don't feel I can:

I am utterly utterly exhausted.
My body had changed and feels alien to me.
My body feels as if it's for the exclusive use of my small, vulnerable, breastfed baby.
I don't feel attractive.
I feel insecure about the state of my vagina after childbirth.
There is a baby sleeping peacefully in the corner of our bedroom, after a long struggle to get him to sleep.
My opinions on myself, my role in the world, my priorities, and my relationship are all changing.

Your wife will have her own personal list of reasons which will be made up of some things you can predict, and others you'll have no idea about. If I knew my husband had come online to tell a load of strangers how he wanted a blowjob from me and how that shouldn't be such a "big deal" I would feel so saddened. I would feel that he has no idea what I was feeling, and it would touch a nerve with me because I want to give him intimacy but I just don't feel ready yet.

Even if you think you're being supportive and not pressurising her, she's not an idiot. She knows how you feel and it will not be making her any more happy about the situation. And helping with the children is not you supporting her, it's you co- parenting.

Please think about what people are telling you here.

This is where you become ridiculous. I've never once said that this situation is "ideal" nor though would I go so far as to say it's "appalling"

The point I make about real life is that I know (from personal experience) that the way things are conveyed on this forum don't necessarily reflect how they played out in real life. There's always far more history/backstory (which isn't put on here) for a start.

a compromise of any sort will necessarily results in both parties not getting their own way exactly which even I concede is uncomfortable when applied to sex

Sour - Your post resonates with me. I've felt that way after both mine. The good news is it generally comes back with time. After all, I've gone on to have no.2 (and now expecting no.3). The thing I wish we had done the first time is been more proactive in maintaining non-sexual intimacy- holding hands, sitting with my feet in his lap, cuddling on the sofa. It makes the transition back so much easier and, where there is no agenda, those things don't feel like 'pressure'.

But I'm always ridiculous.

What else would you call a woman who insists on telling men that they are not entitled to sexual servicing from women, when the men KNOW from lived experience that they are fully entitled to bully women into sex?

When they don't even think it's bullying to keep "gently" asking an injured and traumatised women to give the blow jobs?

When they know that you can "compromise" over consent?

When they are raised in a world that tells them that they have "needs" and "wants" that are so important that other people need to "compromise" to provide them?

The poor OP for asking for advice - a really sad example of what mumsnet can turn into - a witch-hunt against a man wanting sex - from his wife, who he clearly loves very much - god help you if you come on here and actually be honest about your feelings and yes, your sexual ones too!

Oh come on. It isn't a witch hunt. It's not a man coming on and saying "I'd love to have sex with my wife and she doesn't fancy it. Any tips to get her in the mood". It's a man saying that he thinks that, despite his wife not wanting sex (for very valid reasons) he should still get a 'servicing'.

Thankfully the OP himself does seem to have clocked at least some of this now. And I hope that that means that his relationship with his wife improves, and in due course that their sex life does too.

If you come on here and are honest about your feelings and your feelings are:

"So what if your fanjo is injured and you don't feel like sex, you still have a mouth and hands don't you?"

Then you can expect people to call you out on that.

And call him out you have. I think the message was hammered home some time ago and the OP conceded. What's gone on since could definitely be construed as a witch hunt.

I sorry but you sound like a selfish prick! I would be gutted if my DH was behaving like you.

Again, a great example of twisting what has actually been said and turning it into sexual abuse - nice.

Exactly the poor OP has taken on board what the majority said, including myself and that is - GIVE HER MORE TIME - what's been posted since is actually quite a sad reflection on the posters state of mind.

Good post Sour

GIVE HER MORE TIME?

So you buy that silly man's notion that the only issue with asking a woman to service you sexually when she isn't in the humour is TIMING?

The problem is not timing.

It's being a selfish fucking wanker whose response to his wife's birth injury is to wonder what other functional part of his wife's body she can continue to use to pleasure him.

He doesn't need to give her TIME. He needs to give her RESPECT.

JYP: You sound a very angry person and obviously have issues of your own to deal with.

As this is an internet forum, we're all entitled to our opinions, we disagree, that's fine but the way some folk on here are baying for blood is just ridiculous, I'd suggest lying down in a very dark room for a very long time until you actually can have a perspective on what was posted in the first place.

Also Contrarian with respect, what's gone on in recent posts is people taking issue with YOUR interpretation of the situation...

As for a compromise equating to 'not getting your own way exactly': who exactly needs to make a compromise here?

A woman post-genital trauma with a very young baby to care for or a man who has sexual needs he wishes his wife could fulfil?

Compromise here, in real and human terms, should be the man jacking off for a while and having more concern about his wife's injury and exhaustion, accepting that his sexual needs are not currently a priority. Yet you say, Contrarian, she is being unreasonable by asking what's in it for her? That's not 'sensitive'?

How many men who have, say, testicular torsion/have had a serious kick in the nads/genital injury etc would deem it reasonable to be asked to service their wife while unable to feel arousal themselves because of pain? Are they insensitive and uncompromising or is it somehow different for a man?

You're gaslighting Jan45. Having an issue with this doesn't mean a woman 'has issues' or needs to lie down. It's a talk forum. If you find the nature of the contributions too robust, perhaps you need to consider your own involvement as opposed to casting aspersions on the credibility of other posters' words.