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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done something really awful and don't know how to fix it

260 replies

samysamsh · 26/11/2013 21:24

I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help right now.

I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a flat has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with. So a really old friend from uni let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 DDs) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that will probably break our friendship.

I've developed this really strong attraction towards her husband. It's so bizarre because I never fancied him in the past. I hardly knew him, they moved out of the country for his work after they got married and didn't come back until a few years ago. I found him to be quite serious and intimidating and honestly didn't understand why someone as nice and pretty as her would marry him. Well, that all changed when I got to know him- he's a wonderful husband and dad, really successful, and he's been so kind to me. I never intended to act on my feelings and it's not his fault, he never did anything to encourage me, he has always just been polite and that is it.

So I've quietly been thinking about him, never intending to do anything to jepordise our friendship or their marriage.

This brings us to last night. She went out with DDs and he comes home from work pretty late, so I was alone for the evening. I don't work on Tuesdays, so I had the night off and decided to have a drink to relax. One drink turned into several drinks, until I honestly lost count. By the time he got home, I was pretty drunk. Nobody else was around, so he came up and knocked on my door to check if anyone at all was home (I was sitting in the dark)

When I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, so I tried getting up to go up to the door to greet him. Being so drunk, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the floor. So he came into the room to help me up....as he was helping me stand up, I kissed him. It wasn't just a little peck either. He pushed me away and told me to stop. Then he sat me down and got me some water. I tried it again and was hugging him and stuff. He pushed me away again but was really gentle about it. He stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay but then left the room and I went to sleep soon after.

I woke up this morning and unfortunately I remember everything that happened. I have no idea what to do now. I haven't seen either of them all day because they've been at work and there's another school event she's taking DDs to tonight. I have no idea if he told her what happened.

I feel so ashamed, mortified, guilty. I know I'm a horrible person for what I did.

I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much

OP posts:
MrsS1980 · 26/11/2013 21:29

I don't think you are in love with him OP, I think you are in a difficult place and are in love with the relationship that he has with your frind.

I don't have any great advice but I think you have to let him tell her that YOU kissed HIM and take the consequences.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 26/11/2013 21:29

Move out.

It's not weird for you to feel attracted to a man who isn't a total arsehole while you're vulnerable - that's the rebound effect. But since he acted on that, he is an arse of the highest order Sad

Move out.

MrsS1980 · 26/11/2013 21:29

*friend

HoratiaDrelincourt · 26/11/2013 21:30

Oops, I misread. He isn't an arse Blush

... but you definitely need to move out.

MrsS1980 · 26/11/2013 21:30

How is he an arse Horatia ? She kissed him and he pushed her away!

lilolilmanchester · 26/11/2013 21:31

No, don't tell her, although if he's told her you'll have to face the music. Apologise to him and start looking for somewhere else to live. Meanwhile keep off the booze when you're alone with him, better still try not tone alone with him. Am not judging you, sound like you've had a difficult time and he sounds like a really decent bloke, no doubt making him seem even more attractive. But respect your friend and their marriage x

MrsS1980 · 26/11/2013 21:31

Sorry Horatia - x post

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/11/2013 21:35

Definitely don't spill your guts because you'll just lose a friend and cause their marriage problems. Stay off the booze, find your own place and try to keep things in perspective

GhettoPrincess001 · 26/11/2013 21:36

I accept you feel bad about it, especially as you are having a tough time of things lately. That may be amplifying your feelings presently.

Dependant on the circumstances of how you tell your friend you could just say, 'I've got something to tell you and it's going to be difficult because I feel ashamed of what I did. I was very drunk when your husband came in last night when you were out. So drunk I had fallen on the floor and as he helped me up I kissed him, but he wasn't interested. When he sat me down and got me some water I made another pass at him but he gently put me off. Once he was sure I was ok he left.'

Just give her a synopsis of the incident. If her husband has remarked on it but you say nothing it might look bad. This isn't going to sound very flattering but this probably not the first, 'drunken lunge' a woman has made at him.

Monty27 · 26/11/2013 21:40

Oh fgs, you fucked that one up then OP. How old are you??

Get out of there before he tells you to, or for that matter tells your friend.

You just fucked up something really lovely. Deal with it. And you need to apologise to him as well.

eurochick · 26/11/2013 21:42

Don't tell her! This could snowball into something it's not and hurt the marriage of two people who are trying to help you when you need it.

Just apologise to him and move out as soon as you can to prevent a rereun.

I agree with the poster who said that you are in love with the relationship he has with your friend.

mynewpassion · 26/11/2013 21:45

You fucked up big time. You should move out ASAP. How can you still live with your friend after making a move on her husband? You are having a tough time but you just made your life 10x worse. You betrayed your friendship and her trust.

Move the fuck out and get yourself some help.

Lweji · 26/11/2013 21:45

It does seem like an effect of what you went through.

I do think you need to move out asap. It looks like you're looking for validation and for someone to care for you, but you need to find love for yourself first.

And apologise to him at least. Regarding her, maybe ask for his opinion. You don't want to create trouble for them, even if he pushed you away. If you tell her, it should be with his consent.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 21:45

You need to find somewhere else to lodge. And don't make a pass at the next man that shows you a bit of kindness. There are lots of them around, you need to find some perspective and it won't be at the bottom of a wine glass.

If you were my friend I would forgive you, but you would be out of my house.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 21:47

I think the problem here is if neither of you tell your female friend, this is now a secret between you and her husband.

What a shitty position you have put yourself, and him, in.

PiratePanda · 26/11/2013 21:49

Apologise to the DH; it's less bad than it would have been if you'd been stone cold sober, but apologise and then move out. And don't tell your friend why; no need.

sebsmummy1 · 26/11/2013 21:52

Ok. You have done the classic thing of wanting what your friend has and trying to get a slice of it for yourself. Your relationship with your friend can never be the same I'm afraid.

You must move out and either finish the friendship or tell her what you did once you leave and hope she forgives you.

MistAllChuckingFrighty · 26/11/2013 21:53

I do very much hope things start to look up for you soon.

CaroBeaner · 26/11/2013 21:54

Do not tell her without telling him you are going to tell her. he may be being gentlemanly in not telling her and then if you tell she will wonder why the hell he didn't mention it and feel wronged or betrayed. You could make things far worse.

I think you should be really honest and really brave. Apologise to him, say you abused his hospitality and you are extremely sorry for putting him in such an awkward situation, but you were drunk and feeling desperate over your situation.

Tell him you will never act like that again and you understand if he feels he would like to tell your friend, and if he does you will be open and honest with her, and tell her yourself. Ask if he would prefer you to move out.

He sounds kind, and sensible to me, so it may be that it will all calm down.

Just use this as a major wake up call that you need some sort of support and help (maybe counselling?) to help you through your very hard situation, and that thinking you are in love with your friend's DH, or else falling for the first man who opens his arms to you is a recipe for disaster.

Good luck I hope it calms down rather than turns bad.

curlew · 26/11/2013 21:54

Presumably he has already told your friend?

Beamur · 26/11/2013 21:54

I agree with PiratePanda - apologize to him, but I can't see how you can go on staying there - too awkward all round.

You are vulnerable at the moment, but this was out of line. Be mindful of this incident and don't put yourself in a similar position again.

CaroBeaner · 26/11/2013 21:56

If you were my friend I would forgive you, too.
My BIL tried to kiss me when v drunk and distraught that my sister was having an affair and I rebuffed him and it's never happened again.
These things don't have to mean anything.
But you need to be honest, brave and apologise to him.

lilolilmanchester · 26/11/2013 21:57

OP... Another thought... If your friend or friends of your friend are on MN it wouldn't be too hard to work out who you are. Responses seem fairly consistent on here. Personally would read and digest, then ask for this thread to be deleted. Up to you of course, but just a thought.

spindlyspindler · 26/11/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cutitup · 26/11/2013 22:02

I'm with CaroBeaner - if she is your friend and you are brutally honest and apologetic, she will forgive you.

Poor you! Take it easy on yourself. You fucked up - it's not the end of the world and hey, you might all end up laughing about this one day.

Good luck!