I've done something really awful and don't know how to fix it

[samysamsh]

I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help right now.

I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a flat has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with. So a really old friend from uni let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 DDs) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that will probably break our friendship.

I've developed this really strong attraction towards her husband. It's so bizarre because I never fancied him in the past. I hardly knew him, they moved out of the country for his work after they got married and didn't come back until a few years ago. I found him to be quite serious and intimidating and honestly didn't understand why someone as nice and pretty as her would marry him. Well, that all changed when I got to know him- he's a wonderful husband and dad, really successful, and he's been so kind to me. I never intended to act on my feelings and it's not his fault, he never did anything to encourage me, he has always just been polite and that is it.

So I've quietly been thinking about him, never intending to do anything to jepordise our friendship or their marriage.

This brings us to last night. She went out with DDs and he comes home from work pretty late, so I was alone for the evening. I don't work on Tuesdays, so I had the night off and decided to have a drink to relax. One drink turned into several drinks, until I honestly lost count. By the time he got home, I was pretty drunk. Nobody else was around, so he came up and knocked on my door to check if anyone at all was home (I was sitting in the dark)

When I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, so I tried getting up to go up to the door to greet him. Being so drunk, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the floor. So he came into the room to help me up....as he was helping me stand up, I kissed him. It wasn't just a little peck either. He pushed me away and told me to stop. Then he sat me down and got me some water. I tried it again and was hugging him and stuff. He pushed me away again but was really gentle about it. He stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay but then left the room and I went to sleep soon after.

I woke up this morning and unfortunately I remember everything that happened. I have no idea what to do now. I haven't seen either of them all day because they've been at work and there's another school event she's taking DDs to tonight. I have no idea if he told her what happened.

I feel so ashamed, mortified, guilty. I know I'm a horrible person for what I did.

I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much

Laughable.

Way too long.

the op disappeared ages ago.

If you don't say anything and he doesn't,pretend it never happened and go easy on the booze in future.

I'm still here. I think they're all home now but I can't bring myself to go out and face them. The DDs are around too so I don't want to do anything right now. I'll wait it out until tomorrow.

Thank you for your advice and for not judging me. I honestly feel so vile. I'll do whatever he wants, if he wants me to keep quiet, I'll do that because I honestly don't want to cause any problems. I'm just scared that he's already told her and I don't think I'll have a chance to talk to him alone now to ask.

I understand that what I did is completely wrong and that my feelings towards him are a result of my difficult situation. Of course I'm jealous of their relationship when my soon to be ex is a complete arse who cheated on me over and over again and killed any self esteem that I had and then dumped me for a younger model. We didn't have any children either. I'm 36 and don't know how I'll start a new life now. On top of it all, I've gained a ton of weight and feel disgusting. I'm like a third wheel with this lovely family and feel like a right nuisance. And this was before last night.

So of course a man who is kind and takes care of and respects his family will seem attractive. Of course I wish I had my friend's life, marrying a good man who took her to live around the world, provided her with a nice home, still looks good after giving birth to two children.

I honestly feel so horrible about the kiss. Not even because of myself. She can hate me, throw me out, whatever she wants. I just don't want to damage their relationship. I know what it's like to be cheated on and I don't want her to think he did that to her.

I honestly just want to climb out the window and run away so that I don't have to face them again

Instead of dwelling on this, you should be looking for flats or flatshares if you don't want to live alone.
Don't give up.

I don't know how I'll get through the night, I'm so worried. The more I think about it, the more disgusted I feel with myself. I think that if he had reciprocated last night, I would have gone all the way without question. I know my state of mind was completely fucked, but that's no excuse really is it? Even though he rejected my kiss, he was so gentle and kind that I still enjoyed it, which is why I tried to make a pass at him again after a few minutes. How sick is that. I am so mortified

Lweji I'm certainly intending to move out ASAP. I have nowhere to go right now but don't plan to stay here any longer than a few more days. I will try to find somewhere else to stay or a hotel even until I get my own flat.

You have been controlling yourself and this time your inhibitions were much lowered.

You really shouldn't beat yourself but rather act to limit the damage. Perhaps you should have done it earlier when you noticed these feelings, but you will have to now.
So far it was just a stupid mistake. Now you have to create distance between him and you.

Move out and see your friend on her own.
http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-to-rent.html

Sorry, cross post

I'll do whatever I can.

Perhaps you should have done it earlier when you noticed these feelings
I honestly didn't think there was any danger of something happening between us. I'm certain he doesn't fancy me and I didn't think in a million years that I'd lose control and make a pass at him. The attraction made me more depressed that's for sure, though. I felt guilty about it all along and felt ashamed of having my crap life on display for him to see.

I like a drink every now and then but haven't been drinking at all lately because of the DDs. Last night was the first time I've had time alone in weeks. I was just planning to have a quiet drink and relax. Right mess that turned out to be.

Yoir friend might be a Mumsnetter. Delete this post

for goodness sake , stop beating yourself up !
you got drunk and did something stupid. hands up anyone who has never done that ?

Don't do it again.

forget it and move on.

In the great scheme of things it is not a big deal .

I think the sooner you get out of there, the better. You need somewhere where you can shut the door, be alone and lick your wounds. Not sue about whether to tell or not, never done anything like this myself. All I know is, I'd be packing my bags today and getting to an hotel. Pay for it. Then rent a random bedroom somewhere, out of harms way.

Your husband has locked you about. After time you will be ok. Xxx. Take good care and have a food cry, and then get up and on with doing the right thing, if anything ever makes me feel better in life when things are dirty and nasty, it is doing what I know to be right xxxxxxxxx

Just apologise, most people would understand in your current situation. This is no great sin, forgive yourself and move on.

You have already had some really good advice and I can't offer any advice that you haven't already been given but I wanted to tell you that if you where my friend and it was my husband I would forgive you in a heartbeat. If my friend was going through what you are I would understand and what happened would not threaten me, I know my husband and I know he would be embarrassed but more so he would be worried for you.
In all likelihood my husband would tell me but there is also a chance he wouldn't as he would want to save your feelings.
I know that my reaction may not be everyone's and I wouldn't advise you act on the assumption that your friend would react as I would.
I kept just thinking about the fact that if you where a friend I loved and cared for enough to invite into my home at a time of need my concern would solely be for you as I am confident in the state of my marriage.
Please look after yourself and be open and honest with yourself and know that you do have a future and you will get through all this.

OP - may I just offer a different perspective from the "Move out immediately" advice.

You were drunk and made a mistake and he seems to be a thouroughly decent guy who dealt with it very well. It would be a shame to lose all the support you are getting there for the sake of a silly mistake.

Catch him on his own today, but do not make a scene of it by asking to speak to him etc. Just when you are alone together say something along the lines of "Oppps seems I was a bit (way too) drunk the other night. I am SOOOOO sorry for what happened. Please forgive me".

I am certain that as the decent guy he seems to be he will tell you it is long forgotton and not to worry. He will be mortified if you feel you have to move out because of this. He handled it brilliantly at the time and I am sure he will now.

Don't end up living in some Flat share with people you don't know and no support because of this.

I don't agree with the "move out immediately" brigade either. You were drunk. You're not going to do it again. He handled it brilliantly and has presumably already told your friend. Talk about it, apologise and more on.

If he hasn't told her I would be more likely to say move out because I can't think of a reason for him not telling her except him hoping it would happen again.

Thank you all for your kind advice, you're all lovely. I posted this problem on another advice forum and people were so nasty to me. I am really remorseful for what I did, don't need extra shitting on.

I've managed to avoid them a little longer but this can't go on. I don't think it'll be possible to talk to him before I see her, as he comes home much later than she does. I'll just keep quiet until I've had a minute to talk to him, but if he has already told her and she brings it up, I'll just have to deal with it.

I plan on being out of here within a few days, still haven't secured a place but I feel much too ashamed to stay here now. I have always felt bad imposing but she always said that she didn't mind (she's very lovely - all the more reason to feel guilty). We're both teachers, so pretty decent with kids, and I helped her out a lot wih DDs and housework, so I felt that I was contributing something.

Once I get myself out of this mess, perhaps it'll be time to start sorting myself (and my head) out.

I would just apologise when you get the chance. I agree with those who suggest you move out.

You did do something wrong, but you were drunk and your judgement was skewed. At least the guy didn't take advantage of you.

"I'll just keep quiet until I've had a minute to talk to him"

So you're still trying to get this guy alone and plot behind his wife's back with him?

How about you just move the fuck out of their house already?

You've caused enough trouble to two people who were nothing but kind to you.

And do something about your drinking.

JoinYourPlayfellows I don't want to plot anything behind her back, but it seems stupid to blurt it all out to her without his permission. I don't want to get her mad at him if he hasn't told her

The demon drink eh, it causes mayhem, especially when you are vulnerable as you are. You did wrong, really wrong but take it as a sign to move on with your life, get out of there, that kind of situation is never going to work out long term anyway. Apologise to him, blame it on the booze, whatever and keep quiet, he'll want to forget all about it too.