Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done something really awful and don't know how to fix it

260 replies

samysamsh · 26/11/2013 21:24

I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help right now.

I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a flat has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with. So a really old friend from uni let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 DDs) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that will probably break our friendship.

I've developed this really strong attraction towards her husband. It's so bizarre because I never fancied him in the past. I hardly knew him, they moved out of the country for his work after they got married and didn't come back until a few years ago. I found him to be quite serious and intimidating and honestly didn't understand why someone as nice and pretty as her would marry him. Well, that all changed when I got to know him- he's a wonderful husband and dad, really successful, and he's been so kind to me. I never intended to act on my feelings and it's not his fault, he never did anything to encourage me, he has always just been polite and that is it.

So I've quietly been thinking about him, never intending to do anything to jepordise our friendship or their marriage.

This brings us to last night. She went out with DDs and he comes home from work pretty late, so I was alone for the evening. I don't work on Tuesdays, so I had the night off and decided to have a drink to relax. One drink turned into several drinks, until I honestly lost count. By the time he got home, I was pretty drunk. Nobody else was around, so he came up and knocked on my door to check if anyone at all was home (I was sitting in the dark)

When I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, so I tried getting up to go up to the door to greet him. Being so drunk, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the floor. So he came into the room to help me up....as he was helping me stand up, I kissed him. It wasn't just a little peck either. He pushed me away and told me to stop. Then he sat me down and got me some water. I tried it again and was hugging him and stuff. He pushed me away again but was really gentle about it. He stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay but then left the room and I went to sleep soon after.

I woke up this morning and unfortunately I remember everything that happened. I have no idea what to do now. I haven't seen either of them all day because they've been at work and there's another school event she's taking DDs to tonight. I have no idea if he told her what happened.

I feel so ashamed, mortified, guilty. I know I'm a horrible person for what I did.

I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much

OP posts:
AngryByrd · 27/11/2013 19:28

I agree, you need to go go go.

It's a sad and sordid situation. I hope you can portray him in the best light possible and leave.

HolidayArmadillo · 27/11/2013 19:39

I think you need to tell her you are moving out ASAP and when she asks why say something along the lines of 'I did a stupid thing the other night, had too much to drink and came on to your DH, I don't have feelings for him, I was low and drunk although it's no excuse. I don't know if he's told you but he was so embarrassed and I'm just mortified and can't believe I've jeapordised our friendship, you're so lucky to have someone like him and I just acted without thinking and I hope you can forgive me'.

Show genuine remorse and you may just keep this woman as a friend but I don't think you can continue to live there.

Vivacia · 27/11/2013 19:43

Armadillo I don't think that wording clarifies enough just how correctly the husband behaved. I really don't think the OP should make this all a drama and all about her.

Junebugjr · 27/11/2013 19:52

If you really felt awful and didnt want to play your part in destroying this family, you would get out of there ASAP.
These people have taken you in, and shown you nothing but kindness, and you repay them by trying to shag the husband?? Vulnerable or not, this is disgusting behaviour, and needs to be labelled as such for you to have a reality check.
You only seem to be worried about getting found out, and not about your negative presence on this family. If my friend done this to me, I would not be forgiving at all.

starkadder · 27/11/2013 19:56

If I were the wife, I'd forgive you but only if you told me. I probably would want you to move out asap but not to the extent of into a b&b or horrible flatshare. On the other hand, I would be humiliated and furious if it became a secret between you and my DH and I then found out. I think you should tell her, although you risk losing the friendship.

AngryByrd · 27/11/2013 19:57

...But the drama is all about her. The friends husband made sure to extricate himself from the whole thing very well.

Vivacia · 27/11/2013 19:58

I don't think there was any drama, and it doesn't need creating.

NewtRipley · 27/11/2013 19:59

starkadder

That's how I would feel too (I think)

cjel · 27/11/2013 20:01

This probably lasted a couple of minutes and I can see no reason to upset the wife by saying anything at all. What on earth is to be gained by telling her?

FluffyJumper · 27/11/2013 20:03

Angrybird the husband has done nothing wrong. I don't get where you're coming from.

NewtRipley · 27/11/2013 20:04

cjel

Because she'll know something is up. And she may think it's worse than it is.

cjel · 27/11/2013 20:06

Or she'll just think her friend has just had a horrid marriage breakup and is struggling with life.? I can't see how the husband will have given it a second thought, All the drama is still in OPs head. Everyone else is living as normal!! Why would the wife assume something bad had happened?

NewtRipley · 27/11/2013 20:08

cjel

Yes - she probably will. But I'd give her the choice of how to react, not lie to her.

NewtRipley · 27/11/2013 20:09

I'd also expect my DH to tell me, by the way

HolidayArmadillo · 27/11/2013 20:09

Yes you need to make it very clear the husband did not reciprocate and was more embarrassed and pitying you than anything else. But I think by not telling her you will lose this friendship.

cjel · 27/11/2013 20:13

But I say again why hurt her when there is no more to this than a drunken lunge? It isn't such a big thing that is a huge secret between them its a bit of nothing but with the potentioal to get bigger and bigger the more that is made of it, OP did something shit , feels bad and that all. H was extremely nic about it and understood what it was, didn't make a fuss as he probably didn't want to embarrass OP. It should be left where it is.

I think the 'not lying' is a huge over reaction to nothing. What if she had put the washing on the wrong wash or made tea with the wrong teabags, would he have to tell her everything? IT WAS NOTHING NOTHING TO TELL!!!!!

FluffyJumper · 27/11/2013 20:15

I suppose it's because we all know that it did mean something to the OP. She has developed feelings for the DH.

NewtRipley · 27/11/2013 20:15

because lying to someone you like is hurting them.

Avoiding upsetting someone is, IMO often just an excuse to avoid your own upset if they choose to get annoyed with you.

I don't buy your analogy at all.

heartisaspade · 27/11/2013 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjel · 27/11/2013 20:23

It may mean something to OP but she is not thinking in reality at the moment is she?

As for avoiding her own upset if they choose to get annoyed with you, I think OP would like to be punished and that worries me , she wants some sort of absolution but when she has moved on and just put it down to part of her breakup, she could have potentially left behind two, hurt , upset people who didn't need to be , just because of her behaviour. What if the wife is angry at H and it causes all sorts of problems between them? He did nothing to deserve that and his wife certainly didn't.

In this instance I still don't get the idea that this is some big deception and lie that they are colluding in keeping dw in the dark about. Its just part of OP living in the house that happened and as with loads of other things that must have been said/done between OP and H when no one else is in why does it have to be shared?

I think you are making too much of it.

NewtRipley · 27/11/2013 20:30

cjel

Hmm I take your point.

You're right about the risk, but then I'd answer that by saying the OP should be at pains to take the blame herself.

As her friend, I'd hope I could forgive her.

Gruntfuttock · 27/11/2013 20:33

I've tried to imagine myself into this situation to work out what I'd do, and I have no doubt that I'd have to come clean with my friend about what I'd done, and although this would preferably be when husband and wife were together, I'd do the apologising separately if necessary. I'd also promise not to drink in their house again and that I was planning to move out as soon as possible and do so.

Wouldn't that be a huge weight off your mind, OP?

cjel · 27/11/2013 20:36

Grunt, thats the whole problem I have with the telling her, Its going to take a weight off OPs mind, but look what she might have dumped on her friend?

garlictrivia · 27/11/2013 20:40

If you keep quiet, you're very clearly creating a complicity between you and your friend's husband. Whether he's told her or not, this creation is yours and IS MALICIOUS, although your drunken intent was not.

How can you - and some other posters - think it's okay to put the burden of YOUR guilty secret on the husband? If he protects your 'honour', he's damaging the trust in his marriage.

Your action was commonplace stupid. The secret is despicable.

Gruntfuttock · 27/11/2013 20:44

cjel if the friend didn't already know it would be because the husband was being very kind and treating the OP's behaviour as the drunken mistake it was and deciding there was no point in saying anything as nothing hapened really. However I think the chances are that the husband did tell his wife. Either way it is no threat to the marriage.

Swipe left for the next trending thread