I've done something really awful and don't know how to fix it

[samysamsh]

I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help right now.

I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a flat has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with. So a really old friend from uni let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 DDs) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that will probably break our friendship.

I've developed this really strong attraction towards her husband. It's so bizarre because I never fancied him in the past. I hardly knew him, they moved out of the country for his work after they got married and didn't come back until a few years ago. I found him to be quite serious and intimidating and honestly didn't understand why someone as nice and pretty as her would marry him. Well, that all changed when I got to know him- he's a wonderful husband and dad, really successful, and he's been so kind to me. I never intended to act on my feelings and it's not his fault, he never did anything to encourage me, he has always just been polite and that is it.

So I've quietly been thinking about him, never intending to do anything to jepordise our friendship or their marriage.

This brings us to last night. She went out with DDs and he comes home from work pretty late, so I was alone for the evening. I don't work on Tuesdays, so I had the night off and decided to have a drink to relax. One drink turned into several drinks, until I honestly lost count. By the time he got home, I was pretty drunk. Nobody else was around, so he came up and knocked on my door to check if anyone at all was home (I was sitting in the dark)

When I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, so I tried getting up to go up to the door to greet him. Being so drunk, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the floor. So he came into the room to help me up....as he was helping me stand up, I kissed him. It wasn't just a little peck either. He pushed me away and told me to stop. Then he sat me down and got me some water. I tried it again and was hugging him and stuff. He pushed me away again but was really gentle about it. He stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay but then left the room and I went to sleep soon after.

I woke up this morning and unfortunately I remember everything that happened. I have no idea what to do now. I haven't seen either of them all day because they've been at work and there's another school event she's taking DDs to tonight. I have no idea if he told her what happened.

I feel so ashamed, mortified, guilty. I know I'm a horrible person for what I did.

I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much

Why don't you go and stay in a cheap hotel for a bit? Seriously.

I think it's weird that you expect to stay there now.

I can see that Grunt, but I just worry that it may cause distress that doesn't need to happen just to ease OPs guilt. In an ideal world I know you are right, perhaps I'm just too jaded

Come off, I can't be the only one who thought we'd be reading about how she'd gone to bed with him...

As it is, consider you got off lightly. The mortification in part is because you didn't think he was up to much and then threw yourself at him, a bit inconsistent and makes a mockery of a woman's fabled so called intution etc, plus. Which is fair enough.

If you have to comment on it, sort of go matter of fact, like, hmmm, not sure I'm in a good place at the moment, that wasn't one of my better ideas/moments etc, better move out,

Yeah, start looking or book into the YHA, not too pricey per night, far from ideal of course but cheaper than a hotel. Any apology to the bloke should be downplayed, low key really and prob not involve the wife, who may even (wrongly) suspect he instigated it or something so is best left outside the loop in that respect, imo.

So to those telling me I should leave, I will. I've been online all evening looking for flatshares, seeing one on Friday evening. I got overly comfortable here, but perhaps this is a push that I need to sort myself out.

I've been avoiding the wife all evening. I'm pretty certain that she doesn't know.

He is at home now, though. I could talk to him right now. I'm dreading it so much. So ashamed

You have to say something. Can't you just say to both of them - "I feel I owe both of you an apology, I was completely out of it last night, falling all over the place and I was talking complete nonsense".

Not saying anything turns it into a secret and is deceitful.

Oh for goodness' sake. Go downstairs then, try and make this out to be something it isn't. Humiliate yourself further and betray your mate a bit more.

arctic something similar to what you suggest has already been said. And ignored.

Well I wanted to do it discreetly, not make a big scene out of it.

You have to say something and you have to say it in the presence of both of them.

Go now and say what Artic said. Don't mention the kiss... GO ON --NOW

Ok, that is fine, I can say that. But how can I not mention the kiss? What if he's told her, or if he expects me to?

He may not have told his wife because he may well believe you have no memory of the incident and there was nothing remotely serious about your actions anyway because of your drunken state. Just a thought and so part of me wonders if you should refrain from mentioning it unless he does. Might save embarrassment all round and give him the opportunity to write it off as forgotten meaningless very drunken behaviour. He does sound like a true gentleman so l doubt he would even raise it no pun intended . But l still think you need to get out asap.

"I'm so embarrassed, I had too much to drink last night and made a fool of myself. I remember falling flat on my face, I remember H having to get me a drink of water. I am so, so sorry and want you both to know I won't be having a drink again whilst I'm here".

If he has told her and she mentions it just so "oh gawd it's even worse than I remembered, so sorry I'm such a lush it won't happen again". Try and make it sound like you are really
embarrassed but keep it lighthearted.

I'm not sure that there was a kiss if he didn't reciprocate but pushed you away.

Yes l agree you could just apologise for getting very drunk in their house but leave out the other bit unless it gets mentioned by him/either of them.

You have no intention of taking any of the good advice on this thread, do you ?

That's true Vivacia. You lunged at him you didn't kiss him.

If I actually liked my husband and this happened to him if he told me I would laugh but deep down be chuffed that my trust in him was warranted, if he didn't tell I wouldn't be bothered at all because I would see it as a none event.

If I had a friend who did this I would just think "poor bugger,she's in such a bad place right now she fell for an image even worse its a image of my life,she's now been utterly humiliated by the rejection she unlikely to still feel the same way" so I would not be bothered.

Disclaimer, I do have a husband but I have not clapped eyes on him for 3 years because I despise him with a vengeance but I do have friends and I like most of them rather a lot.

"But how can I not mention the kiss?"

Cop the fuck on.

There was no "kiss".

There was just an embarrassing drunken mess making a pass at a completely uninterested man.

Vivacia is right - you are trying to turn this into more than it was and you are enjoying the secret you think you share with this man.

I will repeat my advice from earlier - get out of this house, ASAP.

You can stay in a hotel until you find somewhere more permanent.

You should really take this advice Samy. I came onto this forum also looking for help and people told me the opposite of what I wanted to hear, but I listened and I'm happy that I did

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time op from some people on here. You clearly didn't mean to do it, you know what you need to do and you're trying to figure out how to do it. Not sure all this attacking is going to help her because she isn't doing exactly as told by some posters. She doesn't seem to be making a drama she has been waiting for the dh to come home. This isn't a soap opera its someone's real life and sounds like she is kicking herself enough without people here kicking her too.

Op if I was your friend is want to know. I think I'd ask you to move out if I was her but I think id be able to forgive you. If it happened again not so much but I think it's pretty obvious you're not trying to start an affair with this man.

I agree with those saying move ASAP, you can't stay after this. To be honest I would be most upset at someone drinking like that in my children's home. Is there a b&b you can stay in till you find somewhere?

Just do it, fgs!! You cocked up, say sorry, mend it.

FWIW, my other friend and I sat at a very hung-over breakfast with the wife and the friend who'd lunged, going very quickly from considerately subtle hints to "TELL HER WHAT HAPPENED!" So she did. They are still very good friends :)