I've done something really awful and don't know how to fix it

[samysamsh]

I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help right now.

I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a flat has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with. So a really old friend from uni let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 DDs) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that will probably break our friendship.

I've developed this really strong attraction towards her husband. It's so bizarre because I never fancied him in the past. I hardly knew him, they moved out of the country for his work after they got married and didn't come back until a few years ago. I found him to be quite serious and intimidating and honestly didn't understand why someone as nice and pretty as her would marry him. Well, that all changed when I got to know him- he's a wonderful husband and dad, really successful, and he's been so kind to me. I never intended to act on my feelings and it's not his fault, he never did anything to encourage me, he has always just been polite and that is it.

So I've quietly been thinking about him, never intending to do anything to jepordise our friendship or their marriage.

This brings us to last night. She went out with DDs and he comes home from work pretty late, so I was alone for the evening. I don't work on Tuesdays, so I had the night off and decided to have a drink to relax. One drink turned into several drinks, until I honestly lost count. By the time he got home, I was pretty drunk. Nobody else was around, so he came up and knocked on my door to check if anyone at all was home (I was sitting in the dark)

When I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, so I tried getting up to go up to the door to greet him. Being so drunk, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the floor. So he came into the room to help me up....as he was helping me stand up, I kissed him. It wasn't just a little peck either. He pushed me away and told me to stop. Then he sat me down and got me some water. I tried it again and was hugging him and stuff. He pushed me away again but was really gentle about it. He stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay but then left the room and I went to sleep soon after.

I woke up this morning and unfortunately I remember everything that happened. I have no idea what to do now. I haven't seen either of them all day because they've been at work and there's another school event she's taking DDs to tonight. I have no idea if he told her what happened.

I feel so ashamed, mortified, guilty. I know I'm a horrible person for what I did.

I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much

OP, the moment you sobered up was the moment you should have left. Don't hang about making a drama out of this drunken episode.

Move out and move on.

*I've been kicking myself for having such poor judgement.
Like I said, I never liked her husband, could not understand the attraction at all (she was very fond of him from the beginning, though).

I had my own husband who I thought was wonderful and the complete opposite. The life of the party, popular, getting any attention from him meant the world to me. It all went horribly wrong. I don't know how I didn't see it.*

You shouldn't be kicking yourself for that. Everybody makes mistakes, especially with relationships. I was a complete idiot and married somebody my parents disapproved of when I was very very young. Of course it turned out to be chaotic and fell apart. The point is you have to learn from your mistakes and make your life better. The first thing you can do is by doing the right thing with this situation and follow the advice everyone is giving you.

OK, no kids, that's now been established. Not emboldening names, cba and it's juvenile.

I would go into the kitchen or wherever when they are both there and simply say to them both "look I owe you both a huge apology because I got very pissed and made an embarrassing pass at DH, I feel like a bad friend and an idiot and I understand if you want me to leave"

Then it is all above board and you are taking responsibility for your mistake.

I've been re-reading the things I wrote on here last night. They are just my personal thoughts but I'm ashamed at how out of line I am being. I won't make any more of an issue of it with them and will leave soon.

Leave with good grace, when you've got it into perspective it would be worse to lose their friendship.

Can you go to a hotel today op?

Why hotel? Bit pricey isn't it. Ask around for a YHA or something, or are there kids in tow? I may have missed that bit. Depends what part of the world the OP is in, of course... Maybe a B&B is £40 a night or something there.

Or do some couchsurfing; you get those websites don't you.

Spose this isn't really so much different to wanting to avoid your flatmates after a bad scene, staying out late in coffee bars, catching a movie, getting in after dark (not hard to do this time of the year), avoiding the lounge or kitchen and going straight to your room. It's the married set-up that makes it all seem (or be) much worse.

OP, stop beating yourself up. You did a stupid and embarrassing thing. Nobody has been hurt because of it, except you. You need to move on, yes, but no dramatics and hotel-flitting needed. You just need to find a place and move out.

It's normal to feel attraction towards someone caring and 'safe' like him. Use him as a yard stick to measure future men up to - now you know what a caring family man looks like. It's awful that you tried to act on it, but you know that. You made a mistake. With a lot of bad luck and a whole lot of alcohol, it could happen to any on of us.

Well, I would be fucked off if someone continued to abuse my hospitality in this way. I don't think its 'dramatic' to go to a travelodge for a couple of days before your flat share comes through. I think its the least you can do.

I've moved out, well almost. Saw the flatshare and it isn't going to work, but I've gone away for the weekend to be with my mum and am looking for a new place to stay when I get back to London later next week

Good to hear an update. How are things with you and your friends?

Do how have you moved out?

You need to move out,ASAP.its not appropriate to stay it really isn't
Get a base,and start to work on rebuilding routine,confidence step by step
But don't delay or dither,you need to move out to move on

Do you plan to go back there while you find something or will you stay with your mum till you do?

OP you're brave to come on here and ask advice.
So let's take off the judgey pants and give her a break!

Sounds like your friend's DH did the right thing and as already been said, he sounds like he understands you're in a mess. Good chance he hasn't even told his wife at all. Why rock the boat?

Since he has been kind and fair to you, apologise to him before you go - even leave him a note if you must, but I would do that.

As for your friend, chances are she may forgive you if she ever found out. But I would leave that can of worms unopened for now - you have enough to deal with. Once you're out (do it soon) and have sorted your life out 9I also hope for your sake, soon) then you can decide, with a clear head, how best to tackle that.

Good luck xx

Judgy pants?as in hey lets not mention drunken lunge or fancying her pal dh
Op has had unfortunate time,feels bit frayed,judgement is skewed
She needs to move out,get back on her feet and take the time necessary

Noooooo! If you start leaving secret notes that takes things to a whole new level, if I were him that might be the sort of thing that would make the difference in me telling my wife.

One doesn't leave angsty wee notes for someone else husband.how v unrealistic

Don't matter if the flat share will work or not. Go!

DON'T LEAVE A NOTE!!!

You have handled It well. No move on.

My late dh1 & I put up a mate of his for a few weeks (this is years ago) following the mate's gf throwing him out.

Nice bloke, very helpful about cleaning etc, slept on the sofa & was at pains to pack his stuff away every morning. I liked him. One bedroom flat was crowded but otherwise no problem.

One evening, when dh1 was at work, he made a clumsy drunken pass at me.

Whilst it was completely coming from him not being in a good way - we'd known each other years, always got on well, & I definitely wasn't his type nor he mine - it created an elephant in the room, it really did.

I chose not to tell dh1, who would have insisted he moved out on the spot, mostly because it seemed that I would have been making an unnecessary drama out of a foolish drunken lunge which I assumed the poor sod was totally embarrassed by, but after another two weeks of his seeking me out for furtive apologies/explanations I was made to feel thoroughly uncomfortable, tbh.

& of course by that point it would have been a big deal if I'd told dh1, as I hadn't immediately.

Eventually the mate wandered off to a house share with other friends, & a huge relief it was too.

The best thing you can do, OP, is bugger off - to a hostel or grotty flatshare if that's how it has to be.

The original drunken lunge is forgivable I think (well, I'd forgive you if you were my friend!) but if the dh had told your friend I imagine you'd have either thrashed it out or been kicked out by now, so he's presumably kept it to himself & is probably feeling as uncomfortable as I did.

They've been good friends, both of them. This is really no way to return their kindness.