I've done something really awful and don't know how to fix it

[samysamsh]

I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help right now.

I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a flat has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with. So a really old friend from uni let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 DDs) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that will probably break our friendship.

I've developed this really strong attraction towards her husband. It's so bizarre because I never fancied him in the past. I hardly knew him, they moved out of the country for his work after they got married and didn't come back until a few years ago. I found him to be quite serious and intimidating and honestly didn't understand why someone as nice and pretty as her would marry him. Well, that all changed when I got to know him- he's a wonderful husband and dad, really successful, and he's been so kind to me. I never intended to act on my feelings and it's not his fault, he never did anything to encourage me, he has always just been polite and that is it.

So I've quietly been thinking about him, never intending to do anything to jepordise our friendship or their marriage.

This brings us to last night. She went out with DDs and he comes home from work pretty late, so I was alone for the evening. I don't work on Tuesdays, so I had the night off and decided to have a drink to relax. One drink turned into several drinks, until I honestly lost count. By the time he got home, I was pretty drunk. Nobody else was around, so he came up and knocked on my door to check if anyone at all was home (I was sitting in the dark)

When I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, so I tried getting up to go up to the door to greet him. Being so drunk, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the floor. So he came into the room to help me up....as he was helping me stand up, I kissed him. It wasn't just a little peck either. He pushed me away and told me to stop. Then he sat me down and got me some water. I tried it again and was hugging him and stuff. He pushed me away again but was really gentle about it. He stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay but then left the room and I went to sleep soon after.

I woke up this morning and unfortunately I remember everything that happened. I have no idea what to do now. I haven't seen either of them all day because they've been at work and there's another school event she's taking DDs to tonight. I have no idea if he told her what happened.

I feel so ashamed, mortified, guilty. I know I'm a horrible person for what I did.

I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much

I expect he will have told your friend, if the situation was reversed I would tell dh.

I don't think you can expect your friend to forgive you. Being drunk isn't an excuse. What if the dh had accepted your advances? Would you have slept with him. I don't think its acceptable getting that drunk when you are a guest in someone's else. You could have vomited over their sofa or anything.

Would putative husband necessarily tell his DW?

He's obviously got good boundaries, knows the OP is in a sad place; if his wife would be really upset and lose a friend over it...

I'd still check what's happened.

Yes, to be honest we're all focussing on your behaviour whilst drunk, but the fact that you were sitting on your own, in the dark, drunk enough to fall over, isn't good when you're staying in someone else's house.

However I am sure we have all behaved badly at times. It doesn't make you a bad person OP.

I'd apologise to him, not tell her and try and find somewhere else to stay.

We all do stupid things sometimes. I have a closet full of skeletons. Put it down to experience and move on.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, sounds like you've been through a lot lately.

Whether he has told your friend or not really depends on her and how she would take it.

If your friend is the jealous type who would go nuts whatever role her husband had in the scenario, he may not have told her. If she is the sensible kind, I bet she knows already, and there is a REASON why they are both staying out of their own home until really really late.

I would apologise in front of both of them (and I wouldn't have left it this long - what on earth do they think you're doing up there in the bedroom??). Say something like, "I'm so embarrassed, I had too much to drink last night and made a fool of myself. I remember falling flat on my face, I remember H having to get me a drink of water. I am so, so sorry and want you both to know I won't be having a drink again whilst I'm here".

I agree with Vivacia. Good approach.

Yep. That's the one.

Well I just saw my friend (the wife). I don't know what to think, she's acting completely normal as if nothing has happened. She was telling me about the school events she's been to the past two nights with DDs and how exhausted she is and so on. He's still not home, though.

She doesn't seem like she knows anything but I suppose it's possible that she does and is waiting to see if I'll tell her. That doesn't seem like something she would do, though. Knowing her, if we had a problem, she'd openly talk about it. This isn't a typical problem, though, so I really don't know what to do.

QuintessentialShadows From my experience, she's the sensible type, but things like this could drive people crazy. I was never the jealous type with my stbx but I became insanely jealous after I found out what he was up to, even though I forgave him. So there's really no way to know how she'd react.

I don't think they're staying away from home because of me. That was just the past two nights. Well, she was out the past two nights with DDs and he always stays out until late.

FluffyJumper I know I shouldn't have been drinking in their home and getting myself into such a state when they have two little ones. I'm a complete mess, first I need to get out of this one and then I'll work on getting myself straight so I don't repeat anything like this again

I think you tell her and take the consequences.

I would be fucking furious if a friend did this and did not tell me.

Me again

I think running away makes it all more mysterious and interesting. Hiding something from her is treating her disrespectfully. Far more so than what you did in the first place. IMO

P.S

Sorry to sounds curt. You are not a horrible person

I think 'least said soonest mended' YOu were so off your face you didn't know what you were doing and he clearly is nice enough to understand that. I don't think he will say anything as there is nothing much to tell. He may even think you were too drunk to remember. Use the shame you feel now to make sure you are always aware of right and wrong when it comes to who you want to sleep with. Get over it - He has- You are giving it too much head space so you don't have to focus on the real problems in your life. Focus on building your new life alone and chalk it up to experience - never to be repeated.

Well I just saw my friend (the wife). I don't know what to think, she's acting completely normal as if nothing has happened.

Is there are a part of you which enjoys the idea of not knowing and you and her husband having a secret?

No I don't enjoy it at all. I feel sick with guilt, but if I tell her maybe she'll wonder why he didn't say anything (if he hasn't)

But he hasn't done anything wrong. You seriously need to apologise for your behaviour, in a way which takes responsibility, doesn't imply that more happened than actually did, and then leave it alone.

Sorry, but your hand-wringing accompanied by lack of apology is not on.

Don't say anything - just get over it and move

Now it would be a good time to tell her that you are decided on moving out

Just get yourself out of there & don't fuck up their marriage. He behaved honourably, even if you didn't.