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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've done something really awful and don't know how to fix it

260 replies

samysamsh · 26/11/2013 21:24

I'm going through a really tough divorce and have been reading this forum for a few weeks now. This is quite a long story, but I got myself into a really stupid situation and I've seen people here give each other good advice, so I could really use some help right now.

I had to move out of my home when I decided to split with my husband, as it's his family home. Finding a flat has been really difficult, alongside all the other problems I've been dealing with. So a really old friend from uni let me stay with her and her family (husband and 2 DDs) until I get back on my feet. They have been incredibly kind towards me and I'm so grateful to her. I've been here for a few weeks now and did something horrible that will probably break our friendship.

I've developed this really strong attraction towards her husband. It's so bizarre because I never fancied him in the past. I hardly knew him, they moved out of the country for his work after they got married and didn't come back until a few years ago. I found him to be quite serious and intimidating and honestly didn't understand why someone as nice and pretty as her would marry him. Well, that all changed when I got to know him- he's a wonderful husband and dad, really successful, and he's been so kind to me. I never intended to act on my feelings and it's not his fault, he never did anything to encourage me, he has always just been polite and that is it.

So I've quietly been thinking about him, never intending to do anything to jepordise our friendship or their marriage.

This brings us to last night. She went out with DDs and he comes home from work pretty late, so I was alone for the evening. I don't work on Tuesdays, so I had the night off and decided to have a drink to relax. One drink turned into several drinks, until I honestly lost count. By the time he got home, I was pretty drunk. Nobody else was around, so he came up and knocked on my door to check if anyone at all was home (I was sitting in the dark)

When I saw him, I wanted to talk to him, so I tried getting up to go up to the door to greet him. Being so drunk, I tripped and fell flat on my face on the floor. So he came into the room to help me up....as he was helping me stand up, I kissed him. It wasn't just a little peck either. He pushed me away and told me to stop. Then he sat me down and got me some water. I tried it again and was hugging him and stuff. He pushed me away again but was really gentle about it. He stayed for a little while to make sure I was okay but then left the room and I went to sleep soon after.

I woke up this morning and unfortunately I remember everything that happened. I have no idea what to do now. I haven't seen either of them all day because they've been at work and there's another school event she's taking DDs to tonight. I have no idea if he told her what happened.

I feel so ashamed, mortified, guilty. I know I'm a horrible person for what I did.

I don't know if I should tell her or not. She's going to be home pretty soon and I have to face her at some point. I also have to face him. They have been so good to me and I don't want to cause any trouble.

Any advice would be so greatly appreciated right now. Thank you so much

OP posts:
tummybummer · 27/11/2013 10:40

If he's a smart guy he'll have told her already, but I really think you should tell her. She may be waiting to see if you do.

He probably hasn't thought anything of it to be honest - just a drunk woman doing something stupid.

Don't tell either of them about the wider attraction - just say that you got drunk and didn't really know what you were doing. But do be open about it because as a secret it's damaging but if it's 'out there' then it can be moved on from in whatever way.

Bluebell99 · 27/11/2013 10:49

He doesn't have anything to be ashamed of, unlike you. You made a pass at him which he rejected. You need to move out now. I wouldn't be surprised if he has told her. Your poor friend.

curlew · 27/11/2013 11:07

"So you're still trying to get this guy alone and plot behind his wife's back with him?

How about you just move the fuck out of their house already?

You've caused enough trouble to two people who were nothing but kind to you.

And do something about your drinking."

Wow. Must be wonderful to be perfect..........!

Meerka · 27/11/2013 11:07

Look, you are in a vulnerable state and you made a mistake. Thank God he had his head screwed on straight.

I should think he also understands that your head is a mess and while clearly saying No, I should think he is not holding a grudge.

I do think you need to apologise and most of all move out. And keep your alcohol intake down. The alcohol is completely your responsibility and you know now that you can't really trust yourself with it at the moment. Time to take a bit of control back over your life and at least control that. The apology will be hard but I think you'll feel better for it and it will clear the air. Don't tell her unless he really feels that it's necessary.

When you have moved out and have a small place you can call your own you can work on putting your life back togehter and gaining much more control and stability. And if necessary counselling. Even then, I'd still be careful with the wine or beer.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/11/2013 11:23

If he's a decent and nice bloke then I really don't think he will have told your friend.
I think you just need to act like you don't remember and 'try' to get back to where you were prior to this incident.
Seriously, nothing really happened. Yes, you tried but at the end of the day nothing actually happened.
Forgive yourself and move on with everything and join them this evening and see how things are.
Just be your normal self and it will all blow over.
I hope you get your own place soon and you WILL move on with your life.
It will take some time but you will get there.
Sorry you are going through such a crappy time right now.

OneMoreChap · 27/11/2013 11:35

FFS.

Make sure it's a one off.
Apologise and ask him if he wants you to move out, and if he wants you to apologise to his wife.

Don't tell the wife.

It's his marriage, and evidently a strong one. Leave it to him to decide how he manages their marriage.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/11/2013 11:39

"If he's a decent and nice bloke then I really don't think he will have told your friend."

If he's a decent and nice bloke then he will have told his wife that the woman she welcomed into her home is making passes at her husband behind her back.

The idea that you can get back to "normal" here, where normal is wanting to shag your friend's husband and feeling jealous of her life rather than grateful to her for helping you out when you were stuck, is ridiculous.

Just move out. Today.

Go and find yourself somewhere else to stay and leave this family alone.

Lweji · 27/11/2013 11:40

I still stick with the move out immediately (well, asap) because of the feelings the OP has been developing for him. Not so much because of the mistake.
Living with someone is quite an intimate thing to do and it can only become awkward. The OP needs peace of mind to sort out her life and her head and this will only complicate it.
Besides, and although it is likely that it was a one off, it is not by all means guaranteed that she won't drink again a bit too much and embarrass herself again. I'd be avoiding the possibility myself, as much as I could.

If you can't talk to him alone, could you give him a quick ring? Just to apologise and say that you will be moving out as soon as you can?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/11/2013 11:47

Don't try to get him alone. Don't ring him.

Don't involve him in any more crappy behaviour he might feel he needs to hide from his wife.

The best apology you can make to both of them is to make yourself scarce.

There's not really any coming back from this with them. You've blown it.

The only way to rescue your dignity and what remains of anyone's good opinion of you is to just leave quietly before they have to ask you to go.

curlew · 27/11/2013 12:10

Join your Playfellows- let's hope you never make a mistake, eh? Or that if you do, your friends are a bit more forgiving than you are.......

QuintessentialShadows · 27/11/2013 12:14

Surely you can find yourself a B&B?

Gruntfuttock · 27/11/2013 12:18

I wonder what the responses would be if it was a man who had been taken in by kind friends and had then got drunk and made two drunken lunges at his friend's wife (with whom he'd become infatuated) including a full-on kiss. Very very different I think.

OneMoreChap · 27/11/2013 12:26

Nah.
Largely the same, apologise, sling your hook; do what the innocent party wants.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/11/2013 12:29

Of course the responses would be different if this was a different situation.

What a bizarre post.

Gruntfuttock · 27/11/2013 12:38

The only difference in is a reversal of the genders, JoinYourPlayfellows. The situation is exactly the same.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/11/2013 12:40

But "reversing" the genders changes the situation entirely.

When we achieve total gender equality, maybe you'd have a point.

But we haven't, so you don't.

Lweji · 27/11/2013 12:41

Grunt, exactly the same thing.
If I was the wife and a man in these circumstances had made a pass at me, I'd be asking him to move out, but wouldn't necessarily tell my husband. Unless he tried it again.
I'd still advise that it should be the wife's choice to tell her husband or not.

ChristmasCareeristBitchNigel · 27/11/2013 12:45

Very certain that you're right, aren't you joinyourplayfellows. Must be nice to have such courage of your convictions that you believe you couldn't possibly be argued with

Meerka · 27/11/2013 12:46

eh, it's happened to me. drunken friend made a pass when he had just split up with his wife, he was off-balance and he was staying in our house. You tell him firmly No, you don't make too big a deal of it as long as he wasn't too pushy, and if it happens twice you tell them to leave. You do, perhaps, be a bit more careful around him in future.

I don't think gender equality has anything to do with it. A friend in need - as long as they don't go too far- can sometimes behave out of character. The OP seems to be absolutely chewed up about it and really sorry. As long as she converts that into action - apologising, not drinking too much and getting out - its not the end of the world.

KitZacJak · 27/11/2013 12:47

I reckon he will have told your friend already if they are close. There is no way my husband wouldn't mention that!! However, you had better check he has told her before apologising to her otherwise he will seem like he is hiding something.

When you apologise DO NOT ADMIT YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM, blame it all on the booze. If they feel you are after him there is no way you will be able to remain friends. Then move out asap and hopefully you will be able to stay friends after a cooling down period.

Just be thankful he didn't reciprocate - that would have been a nightmare.

garlictrivia · 27/11/2013 12:59

I've only read your posts.

A friend of mine did much the same thing - actually a bit worse - and it's not damaged any relationships. The chances are pretty high of doing something crap when upset & pissed! From your friend's pov, her marriage is OK as DH behaved as a good husband & friend would. The only issue is your shame, really, and shame is an unhelpful emotion.

My friend told the wife pronto, with flowers and grovelling. The DH was too kind to drop her in it, but said he would have told DW if the drunk friend hadn't come clean.

FGS don't run away in the night, you'll only look sneaky & weird! Good luck, and I hope your friend's sane enough to let this pass with a verbal slap on the arse :)

garlictrivia · 27/11/2013 13:06

Oh, yes, as the poster before says, get rid of your feelings for the DH and don't admit them to your pal! That could change everything. I think it's fine to have gone a bit overboard about what a lovely bloke he is ... Accept this in yourself, it's not Lurve, just an obvious comparison between what you had and what you now see can be possible, relationship-wise. Sorry am typing in a big hurry, hope not too garbled.

tummybummer · 27/11/2013 13:12

If he's a decent and nice bloke then I really don't think he will have told your friend.

No, if he's a decent and nice bloke then he WILL have told your friend. He owes his decent and nice behaviour to his wife, not to the OP!

He sounds like a lovely bloke - I don't think he'll have made a big deal of it just said that you were paralytic and lunged at him. They'll both probably be worried about you and embarrassed for you - and a little concerned that you drank alone and got into such a state, especially as they have DDs in the house.

Apologise, say it will never, ever happen again, move on and start looking for alternative house options.

FluffyJumper · 27/11/2013 13:41

Oh god, how embarrassing!

I think you need to tell your friend - or it's some painful secret.

There are some friends I would forgive for this sort of thing and some I would not.

anapitt · 27/11/2013 13:50

I've done far worse when drunk, but it's in the past and I won't do it again