am IBU to think OH should apologise to dd

[Sausagewaffle]

he accused her of stealing money, when he didn't actually see her take any.
just lingering around where it was.
confronted her and she denied it. cried about it.
she is 10 btw.
he wouldn't let it go and continuously shouted at her.
hours later, whenever she walks past, he is shouting "thief" at her.

I think even if she did, he shouldn't still be going on about it.
even if she hasn't said sorry
im sure after the bollocking she got off of him, she would never do it again.

i have had words with im and he thinks ibu

This is why you have a solicitor and legal aid. These people are, luckily, stupid: texts are logged and it's immediately obvious who did what. Put it out of your mind and leave the police and your lawyer to handle him now. That's what they are paid to do. I know it's easier said than done, but he's taken so much from you already - don't allow him to damage your peace of mind when you are doing so well.

He can't suggest dropping DS at yours as that breaks the injunction. You can also ask that the injunction requires all contact arrangements to be made via the solicitor and not directly, too. YY to nursery or a relative being the point of handover.

Don't worry. Depressingly, there are a lot of women in your position, and the systems in place to deal with that. The professionals can handle him from this point onwards.

you have a very good point.
I've been panicking, wondering as to whether there would be any way they could actually get around this and claim that i really did say this.

but as you say, it is all logged in the texts.
my rational side sees that it is blatantly obvious that this is some form of a game, from either them or him, and i have had no involvement what so ever. as there are no texts in my messages outgoing to them, stating anything of the sort.

it is pure stupidity...
but how can somebody be so thick and think they can actually get away with it?

even if they did get away with it - it is accusations about HIM. so how would this affect me?

a sorry excuse to not hand my ds back on monday?
they are just making me not want to hand him over more and more. not out of spite, but out of pure fear that i will not get him back!

Keep ignoring.

Do you have to hand over son on Monday?

i am suppose to hand over son tomorrow. i would get him back monday.

there is nothing stating that i MUST hand him over though

I don't think you should, not when he's behaving like this.

thats my thoughts.
but then i worry because he claimed his reasons for keeping him in the first place, were out of fear that i would keep him from him.

wouldn't that be what i am doing?

now I know why i would be doing it.
couldn't he have done all of this in the hope that i would keep him, and then he could use it all against me. saying he kept him in the first place because of THIS very reason.

Did you say the police were coming round? I think you need to discuss all this with them, so hope they are. There will be a trail of digital dirt that will lead to the person behind the messages or whatever, not to you - they are being stupid if they think they can conceal who is actually doing this.

When and how was it agreed that you are supposed to hand DS over tomorrow? I wouldn't. I would log tonight's activities with the police and say that you have no idea of what the messages are about and no involvement with them, but that the whole thing makes you concerned about handing a young child over to someone behaving as erratically as this.

I think you need to follow your solicitor's advice.

The thing is, contact of some kind is given in 98% of cases where the resident parent (usually Mum, but not always) objects. And the overwhelming majority of separated parents never involve a court, so those cases are the toughies. So a solicitor has to think strategy when giving advice. If you deny contact now, then it might look like you didn't give it a fair chance - and if he refuses to return DS, when there is an injunction against him for abuse of you in place, you'll easily get that interim residency order and contact will move to supervised, and in a contact centre, purely because of his own very obvious actions. If he does return DS as agreed then you've proven you are sensible and co-operative to the courts if, as I am afraid seems likely, he plays silly buggers later and you need to start setting tougher limits.

I'm not saying what you should do - I'm not a solicitor, least of all yours. I'm just saying that if you trust your lawyer, and she does sound good and like she knows what she is doing, then I'd ask what her advice is, and why it is, and then if it sounds good, follow it. She has all the facts and knows why she is advising as she is, and it sounds to me like the above is why.

I'd want that injunction before sending him, though. And I'd want the solicitor's updated advice after tonight's shenanigans.

As to people being thick - yeah. They often are. Useful really - amazing how many people stupid as can be think they have a Cunning Plan that will pull the wool over cleverer people's eyes. When really, it exposes them for what they are. Either way, don't worry about it. You've done everything right and it's just more harassment.

i have informed and logged this with the police. they were coming tonight, but have literally just phoned saying they have been overly rushed and asked if it would be ok for tomorrow afternoon since im in court in the morning.

i put the phone down to womens aid, and the police rang.
womens aid said to me that she thinks that i have every reason to not send my son, and that i am not being unreasonable and that nobody would judge me.
even if i didn't send my son to nursery.

thank you mellow for that - it has also helped reassure me.
i am terrified about tomorrow.
absolutely terrified!
i have to go to court, and i will have to take ds with me as i can not send him to nursery. he will get him from there, and they can't stop him.

my dad is taking me there, and having to get the bus back. i will be with my mam, though. i may get a taxi home actually.

but what if when i get back, he is here and because of me just leaving court - he wouldn't have actually been handed the injunction by that time, and therefore would be allowed near me and so what would i do in a situation like that??????

i could choose to go to my mams, but what if he is there, after being to mine and seeing me not there??

i thought i would get stronger, as the days went on. although, i feel as though i am - fear is gripping me more. so makes me feel as though i am not getting stronger.

is this just because things are becoming more intense?

womens aid said his behavior seems very, very concerning.
as much as I know this - i still feel at times that it wasn't as bad as how others seem to perceive it.
she said that is normal, and the longer i am away from it, the more i will see how bad it actually was.

she has given me a number for places for people. im phoning them tomorrow. she says they will give me extra support. for the times im having a lot of self doubt, and things.

the police officer told me to get some sleep tonight and focus on it all i nthe morning - but how?

my mind will not rest. so many questions as to what could possibly happen tomorrow.

sorry - cross post with you storm.

i see where you are coming from, and i agree with it. but i am sooooooo scared to hand him over. i really, really am.

which makes me wonder - above everything - should i follow my gut

and i dont mean to stop contact forever. i just mean until things are put in place so him taking him cannot happen again

If you're with your Mum, then you have support, so that's definitely what I'd do if I were you - she'll know not to answer the door to him, I'm sure. And you can call the police if an injunction has not yet been served, and ask him to be removed as he is harassing you and won't go.

Glad you spoke to Women's Aid, and I would talk to your solicitor as soon as ever you can - the calls he's made tonight can be logged as well.

If you can't talk to the solicitor before handover then definitely follow your gut and Women's Aid's advice, as things have changed since you spoke. You know best what to do here. You're a strong woman - look at what you're coping with and how focused you are being on your son's best interests. Hold on to that. You're doing great - I'm sure the WA call handler told you the same, right?

she did tell me exactly the same!
which i have to keep telling myself that you people aren't lying.
i really must be a lot stronger than i think/feel, because i really, really don't feel it.
i try to be...but that's all it feels i am doing - trying.

thank you so much!

i really cannot thank you all enough for all of this! xxxx

I think that's what being strong is - keeping it together and keeping going when you feel like complete crap, and want to curl into a small ball and hope it just goes away. It's not strong if it's easy, is it?

I think you're doing incredibly. I honestly don't know if I could do as well as you are. But I would call your solicitor very first thing tomorrow, and also email and ask her to call you as a matter of urgency - briefly explain what has happened and why you're so worried now. I imagine she wanted to avoid it looking like tit for tat, but this new development is perhaps going to alter her opinion? Definitely try to get it asap. (If you email tonight and they aren't filtered by her admin then she may even check it before she gets in tomorrow, who knows.)

This too shall pass! One day you'll look back on it as that bloody awful time you had to get through and wow, how did you manage so well?

Thank you so much for your advice, storm :)
i will do that!
I think now - especially after this, and the other concerns i have expressed to SS and police - which haven't been stated in this thread. as of yet. I don't think it could possibly go down as tit for tat.

I can't wait forthat day, storm :)

I would just like to add - for myself mostly, when I look back on this.
My kids have been so much happier. To an undeniable extent.
My 5 year old has been singing a lot more. My 3 year old has been singing AND dancing. 2 thing hes would not do.
My dd has been singing, from upstairs where I could hear her when I was downstairs. This has never happened.
My 9 yr old ds, has said he still misses him, but he can feel the happiness in the household, and he can feel that it feels much better.

As for myself - I have had a lot more energy - even on barely any sleep, and very little food intake. I am smiling a lot more. I feel a stronger relationship with each child. We are all a lot more comfortable and at ease
We feel like a family :)

This stuff that I am going through - when I see the benefits to it, every single day - This is the reason I am doing this - also the reason as to why I don't miss him in the slightest. I don't even miss any tiny little thing he done.

No, I agree, this latest mess and histrionics from him is an own goal from the idiot. You can very reasonably say you wanted to wait until injunction served and interim residence order in place, I'd think, though obviously I'm not a lawyer. But for your own sanity maybe delaying the contact would be the only sensible thing to do. And honestly, what's the worst they could happen? You don't want to stop contact, you just want it safe and sensibly set up.

Sleep tight, and so pleased to hear the kids are blossoming, that must make all the hellish nastiness from the prick worth it. You are doing so brilliantly. I hope you feel at least a little proud of yourself. You should feel a lot.

Oh well my stomach is in knots this morning.
I am pleaswd that others can see the unstability!

Thank yoi storm. I am proud of myself, yes. As it has taken me so long to actually do this. I wanted to end it well over a year ago.
I am also proud at how well my kids have all handled this. During my time with him and seperating.

Eee my anxiety. Im doing the deep breaths that usually work, but they arent today. There are just so many things that could happen. Especially considering im not going to hand my ds over. He will use that to justify whatever acrion he decides to take. I can imagine them all feeding him too! Which will only make him worse. Oh dear god

I don't blame you for not handing your son over, I'm not sure I could do it under those circumstances regardless of law and looking the better person you need to safe guard your DS safety.

Gosh OP I never post on relationship posts but I had to come on and acknowledge what an amazing woman and mother you are. You are strong and determined and absolutely doing the right thing for you and your children. Best of luck and power fit today.

Best of luck for today, sweetheart. A lot of us will be thinking of you - and GOOD that you're proud of yourself. You so very deserve to be.

Thank you all :-) quick update here.
Injunction will be served at half 2 today. The judge had it done within seconds! Was extremely quick.

My solicitor is then going to send a letter stating contact arrangements which me and my solicitor made. Starting next week. Of he doesnt like it he can take me to court and if he doesnt go alkng with it, and refuses to give him back i will get an emergency residency

Phew another hard job done!
I can breathe again.
The nursery advised him not to contact me

Thank you. I dony need to hand him over today. I can wait until next weekend.

Thr police have just been regarding the text messages last night.
He has checked my phone and taken all of their phone numbers. He is now sitting in his van phoning them to find out what it was all about.
Then he will let me know. So hopefully, i may know the truth behind all of this