am IBU to think OH should apologise to dd

[Sausagewaffle]

he accused her of stealing money, when he didn't actually see her take any.
just lingering around where it was.
confronted her and she denied it. cried about it.
she is 10 btw.
he wouldn't let it go and continuously shouted at her.
hours later, whenever she walks past, he is shouting "thief" at her.

I think even if she did, he shouldn't still be going on about it.
even if she hasn't said sorry
im sure after the bollocking she got off of him, she would never do it again.

i have had words with im and he thinks ibu

[wontletmesignin]

Am i being unreasonable on this one?

[wontletmesignin]

Oh i feel awful.ifound it

[Noregrets78]

oops had you mentioned it to him yet? When I almost had to apply for an emergency residency order, the solicitor said that we'd be in court the following day for it. You may be able to get one tomorrow. Hope all goes well, you're doing the right thing.

[wontletmesignin]

no, i hadn't mentioned it to him. thank god.
i am either going to court tomorrow, or doing it over the phone at the solicitors office. that is only for an injunction. i mentioned the residency order to her - and will again tomorrow - she stated that in order to apply for that, i need to get the injunction in order to give me legal aid.

me and womans aid had a really long, in-depth talk into his behavior. i also mentioned the ted bundy remarks, and her thoughts on that.
she said it was very disturbing to say the least.
she has reassured me a lot, that my 'real' thoughts regarding his behavior, are correct - it is abnormal and abusive. however, my mind keeps going back to the 'he has ptsd, what if it really is me'

im opening a new thread regarding 'mimicking' in which he accused me of doing all of the time.
have any of you been accused of mimicking somebody, to the point you literally couldn't have an average standing position without being accused it was their 'original' stance?

[Noregrets78]

not particularly mimicking, but many many other tactics to make me feel my position is rubbish, or that I may be going mad. Spaghetti head I call it. Very common in 'this type'!

He is abusive, his actions are not because of his PTSD they are because of his underlying beliefs. Have you read 'why does he do that'd by Lundy Bancroft? I think you'd recognise him in there and it may help you to stop blaming yourself. Is your DD more relaxed now that he's gone?

[wontletmesignin]

womansaid advised me to read that book, when i spoke to them last night.
my dd is much, much more relaxed now. everybody is :)

im currently having a panic attack because my neighbor knocked at the door!
isn't that proof enough for me that its not normal! my mind keeps going back wondering where i might have gone wrong!

spaghetti head seems to make a lot of sense. i understand that!

ty for your help and suggestions :)

[spudalicious]

Hi - I don't want to argue with legal advice you have received but my experience of residency orders is that permanent ones have to be done as described with both parties attending court (or at least being advised to attend). However INTERIM orders can be granted ex-partie (think that's right term) and be served on the the other party.

Most courts have time set aside for emergency hearings. You can, for a smallish fee, attend and request an interim order to be served on your partner. Again I am not an expert but if you are clear about your concerns and make your child's safety your priority you are likely to be granted an interim order with a return date to court when both parties can attend to discuss next steps. Your ex can challenge the order ahead of that court date but if you could secure an interim order it would give you some peace of mind. Please ask any legal person you see about this.

[spudalicious]

I would also definitely ask about a prohibited steps order. These orders can basically contain anything - they are often used to prevent one party leaving the country with a child but a judge can write anything into the order. So in your case I would be asking for an order that stated that your partner was prohibited from 'removing your child/children from your care or the care if anyone you have entrusted your child to'. If you have this you can give it to the preschool and it allows them to refuse to give your son to your partner unless you have previously consented to this. I

[spudalicious]

Sorry it's all a bit garbled - posting from my phone.

[spudalicious]

Sorry - ex-partie means you can go and ask for one without your partner attending or even knowing about the hearing until it has happened. You will only get interim orders (quite rightly) at a hearing like this but they are designed to safeguard your child in an emergency situation until proper court dates and agreed orders can be put in place.

I'll stop spamming your thread now. Sorry!

[wontletmesignin]

no, you are fine. thank you for all of that. i understand it :)
i think you have said it more clearly, from what my solicitor was trying to explain.

i am in need of legal aid. i would try my hardest to get funds together by other means. even though we are currently living off of CB only lol. i would find a way.
but, my solicitor claims the other way would be to get the legal aid by an injunction. as i would definitely receive this injunction, and so i would legal aid.
from that point, i would then be granted legal aid for an emergency hearing for what you are talking about.
she says that it would then be taken back to court in a couple of weeks, with both parties attending (like you stated).

i was questioning whether i was taking things a little too far with the injunction. wondering if maybe i was only getting this injunction in order to get legal aid, so i could then get a court order for residency.
which made me feel like i was lying.
but, i have to remind myself that i am not making this up.
i am not the one who caused his behavior.
i am not making it up when i am keeping the doors locked at all costs.
i am making it up when i feel the need to ignore his calls
i am not making it up when i have a panic attack because a neighbor knocks to give me a cd player!

i am not lying about actually needing an injunction. although he hasn't physically hurt me. he has on one occasion, in the very early stages of our relationship. he kicked the door off me, and spat in my face.
why i stayed....i dont know.
he had a lot going on at the time, and i felt sorry for him.
but then, wasn't that his plan!

i am also not lying when i KNOW he is unstable mentally, and unable to actually care for his son and put his sons needs first.
he is all about him.
i KNOW this. i dont need to prove this to anybody!
yet i feel i need to

i actually feel bad about the fact that i do NOT want to send my son on friday. even though he would be at his nanas and i know he would be safe.
it is a genuine worry and concern of mine, that i will not get him back again on the monday!
from my ds being dropped off at nursery - i am gathering his mood has calmed a little for the meantime. but he flips unpredictably, so what's to say when he gets my son, those thoughts come back and he does it again!!

i also need all of this in place, as i know as soon as he moves out of his mothers house he most definitely is NOT fit enough to look after any child on his own! he is not capable of this. i KNOW this, and so i would be very irresponsible if i allowed it to happen!

[wontletmesignin]

woah. i must have needed that ha

[wontletmesignin]

i am NOT making it up when i ignore his calls i meant

[perfectstorm]

I get you - now legal aid has been withdrawn unless there is domestic violence, you need evidence of that abuse to qualify. Your solicitor is saying that if you get an injunction against him, that also entitles you to legal aid because it's evidence abuse is present, so as soon as possible after that she can get the interim residency for you too, representing you on public money and not your own - yes?

You're doing the right thing. Awful that you need to.

[NettleTea]

do you have the texts of the death threats? or were they phone calls?

[wontletmesignin]

it was a phone call, unfortunately.
my solicitor states though, that from what i have said it is clear abuse.
she has no doubt in her mind that i will not get this injunction.
she actually said it was an extreme case, which i was shocked about? still am?

[spudalicious]

She sounds pretty sensible. Do note though, that it's perfectly possible (although I can't claim it's the most fun ever) to represent yourself when applying for interim orders. Then you only have to pay court costs which are not massive for one hearing.

Good luck. It's a tough and emotionally draining process but you sound like you're going to get through it ok.

[ILetHimKeep20Quid]

I have no advice to offer other than to say you're doing great, stay strong.

[wontletmesignin]

yes perfect, that's right. thank you for saying that i am doing the right thing :) it really makes me feel better!

yes, spud. my solicitor has also mentioned that i could represent myself.
i feel as though she is very clued up on this kind of situation, and with my anxiety - would much prefer her to be by my side!
at least i know i do have that option if needed. i also think that i could represent myself quite well.
if anything, i think representing yourself would probably work a lot more in your favor!

you are right, it is very tough and emotionally draining. BUT, i have been going through a tough, emotionally and mentally draining situation during the course of my relationship with him.
i refuse to allow myself to lose any strength now. i refuse to accept myself having any less strength to what i gave to his needs and demands.
i hope that makes sense.

thank you quid for your support. it means a lot :) xxx
thank you all xxx

[Noregrets78]

you're doing amazingly well. Remember this thread started only a few days ago re: him accusing your DD of stealing. So much has happened since then, and you've dealt with every twist and turn exactly right. Your solicitor sounds great - the fact they're saying you could represent yourself implies they're not a money grabbing so and so. The injunction / legal aid / court order route sounds spot on. This is the only way you'll get this sorted as he won't listen otherwise.

[wontletmesignin]

thank you for your positives noregrets. it means a lot.
my days have all seemed to blend into one!

i am just so pleased i have my ds home now :)

i cannot believe it is only wednesday actually!
it feels like such an awful long time!
whether it is because they had my son, or because of lack of sleep. i dont know, but its amazing how much it has dragged.
either that or i've just managed to do the impossible and fit so many things into one day! for the past two days!

i need to get my energy levels and strength back though.
i felt so detached at the solicitors this morning.
but that is understandable considering my current circumstances and the fact i haven't ate or slept properly, right?


it really means a lot to me, you know. knowing that after all of the events of the day - i can come on here and be reassured that i am doing the right thing, and people can see that i am doing what i (and others) feel is right!


as i obviously have no confidence in my own mind. i self doubt far too often.
so i thank you for also helping me build my confidence within myself!
helping me trust my own mind again - such a good feeling.

thank you all xxxxx

[wontletmesignin]

Thank you! :-)

Solicitor is tryig to process injunction over the phone, sincw judge is working in another court. If not, it will be in morning.

She advised me to send ds to his dads. If he doesnt return him, then wil get the emergency residency.

He has text me earlier stating that if i want to talk just us then we can. He didnt want it t end like this. Told me tp txt back. I didnt

He can fuck off. I wonder what his next move will be

[LittleBairn]

wont you have done amazingly well under so much stress and pressure.
Hopefully the legal side will take over soon and you will feel more secure.