am IBU to think OH should apologise to dd

[Sausagewaffle]

he accused her of stealing money, when he didn't actually see her take any.
just lingering around where it was.
confronted her and she denied it. cried about it.
she is 10 btw.
he wouldn't let it go and continuously shouted at her.
hours later, whenever she walks past, he is shouting "thief" at her.

I think even if she did, he shouldn't still be going on about it.
even if she hasn't said sorry
im sure after the bollocking she got off of him, she would never do it again.

i have had words with im and he thinks ibu

[wontletmesignin]

I dont. Just utility bills. There is one woman who works in the bank who knows me. So hopefully she is on today.

[wontletmesignin]

Oh thats good then. I dont hve photographic id but do have lots of bills. Alsomy account number and things so thats good if they dont change that!

Thank yous xx

[perfectstorm]

If you take ID along you can get money out at a branch - I've done it before! Photo ID is best, passport or driving license, though a bill will do if you have several forms of ID I think.

They don't change a/c numbers etc just for a lost card, don't worry.

[wontletmesignin]

On the sickening side of things. My bank card still isnt sorted. We have £10. Im running out of soap powder, things are being cancelled as direct debits arent able to be taken.
We are running out of food. I can get one more meal with chips and turkey nuggets.
I cant use my phone to get emergency cash still as there is no card linked to my account yet.
Im hitting emergency electric today.
Ive got 1 tin of cat food left to go between 3.
We have no toothpaste left

Hopefully tomorrow things will be sorted.
Would i be able to get cash from the bank with my account number and sort code, or would that have changed also?
I have lost a card before and its never taken this long and i was able to use my phone for emergency cash.

Im trying not to, but im slowly starting to panic.

[wontletmesignin]

Oh he would be terrible in court representing himself. I can imagine him actually cutting me off in court too, to speak for me.

Obviously, my ds loves his dad. Although he scares him.
I would like them to have a good relationship. But i do need to be realistic on the fact he really isnt capable of looking after him on his own.
So until he gets his anger, mh, substance abuse and parenting skills sorted. Other means of contact are going to have to happen.

I have stated weekend contact as his dad isnt at work on weekends. I do feel ny ds is quite safe in grandparents hands.
Its when he moves out that the major problems, worries and concerns will happen.
O if he is sensible, he would try sorting the issues while he is living with his parents.

I think a psychological assessment would be neccessary also.

I guess we shall find out throughout the week if he is going to listen to what i have said. Hopefully he doesnt take my son again.

Thank you for your help and advice storm :-)

[perfectstorm]

My understanding is that the aim is, almost always, to try to move towards unsupervised and the alternatives are seen as staging-posts, but from what you say I'm not really sure he'd be able to comply properly with the parenting classes, or behave appropriately in an observed contact setting week after week, so he might shoot himself in the foot anyway if you went that route? CAFCASS have to make recommendations where contact arrangements are disputed and he sounds such a complete knob, he'd effectively make your arguments for you.

There's also the reality that you can't do mediation as the relationship was abusive, and if you don't qualify for legal aid - which he won't in any civil action as he's the perpetrator of DV and not the victim - it's expensive. He's got quite a big incentive to agree to what you offer, because challenging it in court will mean either he represents himself (which it seems he'd do terribly) or he spends a lot of money he doesn't have.

Your solicitor does sound really good, and I'm sure she can make sensible suggestions.

[wontletmesignin]

I was going to suggest something similar to her when i see her.
I believe his MH treatment should be sorted completely, and for them to say he has a clean MH come the end of it.
I also agree on parenting classes.
I have done child care and all different kinds of parenting classes. Along with my own dc and nieces and nephews and he refused to listen to me on what i was taught WAS right. He insisted it was done his way. Mostly through "no kids im not allowed to shout at you or tell you off because im too aggressive". He was even starting to bring my oldest dc into our arguements - arguements that occured when the dc werent there. Telling them i had been nasty and things.

If i went with what i truly thought was right, i would agree it needs to be someone other than his mother. But i know contact centres are my only.other choice and they arent good for long term. Which i feel it would need to be long term.
Maybe my solicitor will have other options she could suggest

[perfectstorm]

I think you need to have a long appointment with your solicitor about his treatment of DS - honestly, if he's always been that way with you there, and is so dangerously abusive to you and your other kids, should he be having unsupervised charge of DS? You can argue for supervised contact - and by someone you trust, not his mother, or even a contact centre - and parenting classes, which he has to comply with and do okay in before a court will look at unsupervised care. You have legal aid now, and his abuse is on record, so there's not any reason not to seek the protection of the courts for your son.

Something to think about, anyway? If you set out his treatment of DS to your solicitor then she may have some thoughts on what to do going onwards. It's not denying contact to want that contact to be emotionally and physically safe for your son, is it.

[wontletmesignin]

Yip you are right. Definitely will be informing my solicitor on monday. If i ignore this one, then it could be the first of many more. Whereas if i act...it may never (hopefully) happen again.
Although, i believe it will.

He has been awful with him since birth. He would shout like mad at him from 1 week old. Like for fucks sake. Shut the fuck up. What the fuck do you want. You better shut the fuck up now. I wish i never had you. I wish my mother would come anf take yoy snd never bring you back. What the fuck was i thinking having a kid etc. Etc.

Those.are off the top of my head.
I seen it at the time. But felt sorry for him. Very angry and disgusted. But i defended him. Agreeing it was because he was a new dad. Even though i knew i wasnt like that when i was a new mother.
I thought he was doing it for attention. To try snd get me up for every night feed. Which it worked. I couldnt allow that so i had to take over...which i suppose just fed him and made it all worse.

What an awful, disgusting specimen he is in the big reality of things. Shameful to think i knew a person likethat, nevermind sharing my life with him.


Onwards and upwards, like you say!
I refuse to allow myself to be dragged down. It is too much of a battle to bring myself back up!

[perfectstorm]

Women's Aid, the police and solicitors see all sorts of cases, all the time. The fact all three are taking this really seriously is fairly good evidence that it is serious. Again, you're doing brilliantly and don't give yourself a hard time for not leaving earlier - you left as soon as you could and you are being fantastically solid about the whole situation.

I'd talk to the solicitor about concerns on ex and hitting DS, to be honest. It needs recording in case it happens again, I think. A paper trail is always useful, as is professional advice.

Onwards and upwards now!

[wontletmesignin]

I still dont think i see it for how bad it actually was. People keep telling me it was an extreme case. But it really feels that my situation was so small in comparison to many others.
I guess the truth of it all will sink in over time

[wontletmesignin]

Thank you so much, storm! You have been amazing yourself. You have helped a great deal, especially over the last couple of days!
I really appreciate it!!

It doesnt feel like i have done this alone. You have all been with me during this difficult time.
I have updated pretty much as things have happened, and i have had a response within a matter of minutes. Encouranging and reassuring me that i am doing the right thing! [Thanks]

I am feeling proud of myself. Guilt at times also for allowing my kids to be in the firing line at times when i wasnt strong enough to say anything.
But i am and will overcome it.
I know my kids are proud of me for the decision i made, and they know i am proud of them for how brave they have been during it all!

I asked my son about his dad hitting him again. He sakd his dad hit him on the head in the kitchen. I asked if nana said anything and ds said she shouted noooooo. He really shouted it.

I am wondering if this happened on the wednesday, and that is why they had a change of heart with me seeing my ds again.
I really hope they are seeing him for what he is.
I no longer care, but i hate the fact that there are people who i was once close to, and thought they knew me, thinking of me in an awful way. Because i do my level best to be a good person.
Even when he was nasty to me. I always tried to help him. I never judged or name called or put him down. I always tried to bring him out the other side stronger.
Not knowing at the time i was actually dealing with somebody who was being like that intentionally.
But...i rise above it. Learn from it and grow from it.

We are all better off now and stronger as a family unit.
So, in a way. I thank him. Just not in the way he would like :-)

The police phoned me earlier too. Offering me more support. Asking if everything was ok and if i had any further concerns.
I was shocked, i didnt think i would get such support from them. It was really nice.

[perfectstorm]

A routine is great, lots of reassurance is great, but if he starts coming out with more worrying things, don't hesitate to speak to your solicitor and also to ask the nursery if they have any concerns. Contact centres exist for a reason.

Hopefully this is now the start of a more constructive status quo. "Keep contact between us. No one else." I bet he'd like that, he can bully you to his heart's content then! "No one else" means no legal intervention to stop him pulling stunts like he did last week. He underestimated you, didn't he. About time he stopped.

Hope you are starting to feel proud of yourself. We get an awful lot of posts on MN from women with horrible partners who allow them to bully and abuse their kids, especially kids from a prior relationship, and won't leave. I get that it's years of being ground down, but still - their poor little ones. It's so fantastic to read your posts - someone putting all their kids first, and doing what they need to do to provide them with a decent, safe, stable childhood, despite bullying on a massive and scary scale. You've held your own and done it with such sanity and strength. You're amazing. [flowers[

[wontletmesignin]

Thank you very much mamma :-) all of the support is greatly appreciated. It really truly is!
It has helped keep my strength and focus well in tact.

I have posted in the parenting forum asking for help on how to make this as stress free as possoble for my ds. So if anybody who is follwing or on this thread has anu further advice regarding my ds and other dc, that would also be of great help.

I have explained to ds in the best way i can that dad is now living at nanas.
I have noticed the past two days ds has been a little angry, more tearful and clingy. Which i know are all to be expected.
I would just like to knpw how to ease this for my ds.

Hopefully once a routine is established. (Which should be as of next week) things will fall into place. But as of now. Any help would be great :-)

[LittleBairn]

That's great sounds like good progress.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Wow. Just read this thread...

Op....you rock! You are doing amazingly. In awful circumstances you are thinking and acting carefully and properly putting your dc first. I truly wish you all the best...you are going to be just fine. Hang in there and keep making the most of the support available to you.

[wontletmesignin]

Sorry i had a phone call there. The papers were issued this morning. I think just recently.
The person i spoke to was asking if contact was for next weekend. So all is sorted. He now knows everything so there is no reason for contact now :-)

[wontletmesignin]

Ive just got off the phone with the emergency solicitors to find out whether the injunction was handed over or not.

The lady on call is going to get in touch with my solicitor and let me know what she says.
At least way i will know whether or not he has had the papers handed to him or not.
If theu have i will contact the police. If not,

[LittleBairn]

I would ignore it but inform your solicitor Monday morning.

[Lweji]

It's up to you.

He may well be testing waters.
If you contact the police about it today, then he'll know you are serious.
No contact is no contact.

[wontletmesignin]

My solicitors are closed. I do have an emergency number though.
Would this be classed as an emergency? He hasnt said anything threatening or bad. So i would hate to phone an emergency number when it is not an emergency?

[wontletmesignin]

I had told the police about it yesterday afternoon. I dont know if they would be aware though if it had not yet been issued? Why it wouldnt have though, i dont know.

Would he be arressted for these texts since it is breaching his injunction?

[Lweji]

Can you phone your solicitor about the injunction?
Does the police know about it?