Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

Could your wife perhaps join here? maybe she'd like someone to talk to, it might make her feel better.

I have a chronic 'life time illness'
If my husband had written that I would be more than pissed off.
A relationship is not always based on physical affection. Read this www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_0_14?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=love+languages&sprefix=love+languages%2Caps%2C318

You have made a commitment to your wife, it's hard enough struggling with a chronic illness each day and i admire your wife for going back to work, give her a bit more time, focus on the little things in your marraige, eg. letting her have the naps, giving her me time and taking her out and appreciating her when she does have energy it's not just sex that makes a relationship.

oops sorry link didn't work properly!

I agree with you FrightRider

OP read your post back. You don't come across as a very nice person. Your wife has really struggled, and you are wondering whether you should as a little bonus abandon her for another woman and take her child as well. If I was her, that would probably kill me. I mean that literally. I'd just give up.

On a more helpful note, given her state of health and very low body weight her oestrogen levels are likely to be very low, which will reduce her libido and make sex very painful. Would she tell you if you were hurting her? Oestrogen replacement creams and tablets might make her feel better in herself and improve her sex life. I say her because she is the one I am concerned about here.

As a side issue, the two lovely ladies waiting in the wings... has it occurred to you that a woman willing to ride off into the sunset with someone in your position might be lacking in a few qualities, like compassion, empathy, decency and kindness? I wouldn't fancy your chances with someone like that should you be unlucky enough to go a bit bald, or become unwell yourself.

I do have some sympathy for your situation, it must be hard. But you do sound incredibly selfish. I imagine that because you are so focused on yourself you will in any case succumb to an affair and/or leave your wife. I hope she regains her strength to deal with it. Your son may deal with it now but he will likely think less of you in the future. You reap what you sow though, eh?

I feel sorry for you both. Neither of you chose for your DW to get ill. Obviously your DW has born the brunt of this - she is the one who has been suffering the most as she has been ill and had a very serious operation. But it must have been/be tough for you too being the carer.

However, I am not sure what you would gain by leaving your DW. You would still have the same housework, child care responsibilities and work, but would also have to find the money to buy a new (smaller) house and to maintain your sick exW. So, in terms of finding the energy to tackle everyday life I don't think it would help.

Being your age and thinking that maybe sex has gone forever out of your life is however a biggie. I agree with an earlier poster that you should talk to your DW and see if she wants help dealing with the issue or whether she never wants sex again. If the latter, then perhaps you can come to some arrangement whereby your needs are met elsewhere without it being an "affair" and underhand. How is your relationship in other ways? Do you still enjoy the same jokes, do you discuss important decisions together, do you eat together? I think that is the more important part here for now.

One last thought - your DW could be recoiling from hugs/physical affection because it leads to you pestering her for sex when she does not want that atm? Reassure her that you won't ask for sex for, say, 3 months minimum and try in that time to re-establish ordinary tokens of physical affection.

Good luck.

Your second post does reveal a more nuanced situation, but I think you still need to look hard at yourself to work out why it was that this was not the first thing that came to your mind about your relationship.

I think you should also look hard at your expectation and desire that your wife will go back to being the "person" you married. She is still the same person, even though she is not being as "outgoing, caring, strong, bubbly person who enjoyed life to the full". You all but admit that that was the person you loved, and that you do not love her in her 'new persona'. Do you not think that this has something to do with why she finds it difficult to be intimate with you? You don't love her for who she is.

You need to look at what it was that you got from your relationship with your wife when you married. What did her being "outgoing, caring, strong, bubbly person who enjoyed life to the full" bring to your life? Were you in fact living vicariously off the excitement that she brought to your life? If so, it is still open to you to use your own recourses to replicate this for yourself, and to learn to really appreciate your wife for who she is now. Stop living in the past, and deal with making your present the best it can be.

Reindeer

You'll give her 'everything' but take her child?

it sounds like she might well be depressed, which under the circs wouldn't be so suprising. have you talked to her about that? does she have close friends/family she can turn to for support as well?

cricket listen to YvyB fab post!

Also why would a mother want a house and car and possessions when you take her son (her world) away from her?

She could be suffering from depression after nearly losing her life...transplant op alone could have rejected. It takes many years to make slow improvements and going back to work is such a huge effort but gives her confidence and self esteem a boost. It sounds like she isn't getting the confidence boost from you? Maybe that is why she is distancing herself?

Are you prepping DS to live with you then?

I suggest you go to counselling.

depression is a side effect of kidney disease

And vice versa.

So glad I am not married to you.

Would you trade DS in for a new model if he got this ill?
Or your mother? Siblings???
Of course not.
Here, you can have my very first

OP can I just put a bit of science in here. You are aware that the kidneys are an essential factor to hormone production and control?

So having undergone something so dramatic as this it will take time to rebalance those functions in your DW system. It's not a willfull decision to shut you out, it could just be that those feelings don't exist at present.

I had to recently take a saliva test to measure levels of cortisol due to Adrenal Fatigue, but during the results the GP pointed out that my hormone levels were very low, and it explained a lot.

I'd be a bit loathe to completely give up work if I was her too, perhaps it's a chance for her to get out and just be another person for a bit, without the illness hanging over every conversation, and the banal normality of work to through herself into.

I think the situation is tough, however I'd probably be asking myself what she would do if the circumstances were reversed? I'd also be talking to my partner about my feelings, and where we thought our future was, and letting him know how I felt.

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP here.

He maybe isn't wording it in the most sensitive way, but it must be hard to live a life with no affection and no companionship.

Both DH and me have had poor health over the last few years. Our sex life has suffered, and he struggles with that a bit. However. We still have affection. We still make each other laugh, and enjoy each other's company, even if one of us can only lie on the sofa. When we are struggling or scared, we talk to each other and it makes it all more bearable.

The op is talking about a situation where his dw has shut him out, and the friendship part of the relationship is gone. It's not his Dw's fault she has been ill, but living with a partner who for whatever reason cannot show any love or friendship is grim.

And he hasn't left. He is there, and is here, trying to get advice on what to do next. It does sound like he is giving up hope, but calling him a wanker doesn't help.

Your DS is not a possession, that alone makes me seeth.

My opinion on this would be the same if it was a man or a woman writing the OP - YABVU.

I really hope that you are actually much more compassionate and show more empathy in real life than you do in your post as you really come across as cold and callous. I am trying to give you the benefit of doubt that you are trying to write this factually rather than emotionally but you don't come across well here at all.

Your son should never be a pawn and the fact that you would take him away from your wife is awful. There is nothing to suggest at all that she is not a fit parent and your role should be to work together in partnership to bring up your son and to each play to your own strengths. Material possessions will mean nothing to her if you take her son away.

The way you write you sound the sort of person that if your wife had started to age badly/ put on weight, you would be looking for a get out and be moving on to a younger model anyway and her illness is just a convenient excuse to do that. You hardly sound a catch though and I would run for the hills if I knew what you had done to your wife and son. If I didn't I would have to be pretty naive not to worry that you would do the same to me or a hard nosed bitch who didn't care.

I think you should go and have a long hard think about yourself, get some counselling and tell your wife what you have said here. She would be better off without you.