Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

And don't forget the whole 'tempted to have an affair' and 'two women are interested in him' bit too.

Not pleasant. At all.

There's nothing wrong with what the OP said in his post, he was simply being honest and saying what he was thinking. We all think things at times, sometimes we think and act, sometimes we just think.

If the OP had have had a happy 40 years of marriage, had a great life, and then had to deal with his wife's illness then I'm sure he would not be posting anything like this. But he's only 35 and the prospect of a lifetime of being a carer isn't a great one. I feel sorry for his wife I really do, but I would never expect anyone to care for me if my abilities/health deteriorated to such an extent that I wasn't the person they married.

Strumpet - I think it is relevant because it's turning into a man bashing thread. Fright said: "A husband who cannot love and support his wife through whatever life throws at them isn't a husband, he's a selfish single man" and this applies equally to women.

And I think, despite what so many posters are saying on here, if you REALLY spent eight years with someone who had been ill almost the whole time, and was never intimate with you, and could find the strength to go to work but not spend quality time with their partner or child, I think the majority of you would reach the end of your tether. There but for the grace of God go I, and all that.

As for staying with a partner - husband or wife - no matter WHATEVER life throws at them is obvious nonsense based on the divorce rate in this country. And while I do think he may have expressed himself badly, I think it's a genuine dilemma and fair to think about. Wonder how many people on this thread are divorced and left their husband?

jessica I fully understand your first point, I'm usually one who flips the situation and makes people see that it isn't just a one gendered thing, but in this scenario I don't think it's man bashing, more OP bashing IYSWIM

And Noddy's "if you really loved each other nothing would break it". Really? No wife/woman has ever left a husband/man they really loved and who really loved them because he didn't want kids? Sorry, people are spouting platitudes and clichés.

Wow. I opened up my heart on here and I was probably naive to do so. Looking back at my original post - some of it was in poor taste, but I wanted to show that temptation had been put in my way and I had not gone down that path. I probably stressed the sex thing too much but it is a big issue. What is a bigger issue is the lack of affection I receive; I am never kissed, touched or held unless I initiate it. Then it’s strange my wife often does this strange tiny laugh and tries to get out of the situation. Or complains about being "too hot"

I still love my wife. I did not marry her because she was good in bed, but that was one of the many reasons why I did. She was an outgoing, caring, strong, bubbly person who enjoyed life to the full. She isn’t now and that’s not her fault.

I have doted on my wife for the past six years (4 years on dialysis, 2 after the transplant) I have sacrificed so much for my marriage, turned down a big promotion at work because it meant more hours. She understands this and we have talked about our relationship. Physically she is a lot stronger than a year ago but she has no energy. I so want her to be well so we can do things like a normal family again. Every time we talk in bed she says she will try harder with the kissing and physical contact but after a day or two it goes back to normal. I have took her on several “romantic” nights / weekends away which she has enjoyed but I have always done this since I have known her.

I have got to the stage where I feel totally taken for granted, I am just here to look after her (primarily) and my son and the house. And pay the bills. I get nothing back. It’s hard doing it day in, day out and not even getting a smile when you get in from work.

I want to save my marriage and I thank the people who have mentioned counselling. Thanks to Kotinka, Callani and Sleeplessbunny and all the others who have tried to be constructive not just slated me for being a wanker. Thanks to those who have been critical but have at least read what I had to say. I got most angry with the poster who said I had tried to poison my son against her. I have been so positive about her in front of him, it’s just he gets frustrated sometimes with the fact she very, very rarely does anything with him.
Above all I want my wife to be the person I married but I am not hopeful.

Noddy thanks for your comments – I would like to pick your brains at some point

Unfortunatly Kotinka I think a few things the OP said have very much got people's backs up, relationships or not people are entitled to say how they feel.

I don't think the OP is particularly vulnerable in this situation so I think he can take it.

Sympathy from me too, OP, for the difficult situation you find yourself in.
We are not all saintly creatures who can just shrug and get on with it when life deals us a crap hand. You have been very honest about your situation and I wish more people would make sexual compatibility part of the criteria for marriage - then there would be less problems being aired on here.

I can tell that your wife working is difficult for you to understand when she had little energy or enthusiasm for anything else. Work is however a good way of feeling normal when everything around you is problematic.
When my own father telephoned to tell me his cancer had returned and he could not have any more treatment I asked him what he was going to do, he said he would spend the afternoon filling in his VAT return because that was the only thing that made sense.

I know it is not the same thing but in my family if one of us is feeling down and not coping very well with life we do have a family conference to air our feelings and try to reorganise family life to make it better. This is not all about sex, work, energy but about making a family work for all its members. I think you would find it easier to resolve your problems if you sat down to discuss the situation over a meal and a few glasses of wine ( not your son for all the meeting) . Maybe an open discussion about everything not going according to plan would solve a few problems.

Hang on...I thought she worked too?
Are you the sole earner?

Thanks for coming back OP, that post right there is the one you should have made firstly.

Have you spoken to her now? I think you really need to. I think this needs addressing before your marriage is well and truly over.

My husband had RF, two heart attacks and what seemed like a very prolonged period of illness. It made our daily life extremely difficult, especially as like your wife, he insisted on working to retain a sense of normality in a hectic situation.

In all of this time my only thoughts were sympathy for DH and total love for him. It isn't easy by a long stretch - especially when we had a small baby and I had to pick up the brunt.

But our whole relationship didn't rely on him being well but supporting each other. My DH used to have terrible headaches after dialysis - so I would provide head massages which helped - and we talked. We also worked our life around my DH's need to rest.

Finally my DC were small but completely sympathetic as to why daddy couldn't always play - because I taught them sympathy and understanding.

Why aren't you intent on loving her as she is and making her life easier - give her affection and show her love - if she feels better she will reciprocate - however if you and your son are being cold and distant she will feel more isolated than ever.

I am horrified that you want credit for not fucking about behind her back as you've had 'offers'. You shouldn't even be considering affairs given what your wife is going through.

As someone else said we are all one illness/accident away from disability. You want to hope you remain illness free and physically well.

My husband had a kidney transplant and lacked energy for some time (many months - and still does to an extent) whereas some people have immediate energy and feel they can do a marathon immediately following the surgery. I would urge your wife to see her specialist on one of the many routine appointments she will be having and discuss the tiredness etc. Often the drugs CAN cause depression and a lack of iron causes some tiredness (my hubbie had both). He will never have 100% 'get up and go' but has improved loads. Please don't give up on her - give her your support and offer to come to the appointments with her .. Perhaps you just feel overwhelmed at her lack of recovery at the moment.

Yeah, you're a real diamond for not shagging around.

You mention it's been 4 years?
How long do you think you should leave it to cheat?

I am rarely speechless but after reading this post, I very nearly was. It took a good 10 minutes and then it suddenly dawned on me: at no point, OP, have you actually expressed any gratitude for the fact that your wife is still alive. And more than that, as the recipient of a transplant, there is a very good chance that someone else died to give your wife the chance to continue living. Let me put this bluntly - you are not a widower because someone else probably lost their loved one instead.
What about honour? What about gratitude? What message are you wanting to teach your son? It's very, very rare for me to post on here but in this instance I had to. The best thing you can do is prove to everyone, ESPECIALLY your son, how deserving your family was of this donor kidney. Cherish your wife. Live your life with honour and generosity. Show your son what being a man truly means. And if you live by these values, you may find your wife feels far more inclined to show you affection and appreciation in return.

Well said YvyB.

In all honesty I think you should leave her.

It would probably be a relief to her not to be married to someone who clearly resents her for being ill.

I have got to the stage where I feel totally taken for granted, I am just here to look after her (primarily) and my son and the house. And pay the bills. I get nothing back. It’s hard doing it day in, day out and not even getting a smile when you get in from work.

I to feel sympathy for you because that's not a very nice way to live. But, how does she feel. Ill? Exhausted? Frightened? Depressed? I'm sorry but I feel more sympathy for her.

I hope you both get some counselling and find the support you need. But ultimately if you were my husband and you felt this way I'd think you were pretty selfish. I'd let you go.

YvyB, fantastic post

My DP's just read this and he's in shock. I'm extremely glad it got that reaction from him.

Cricket assuming you come back to the thread, which would be brave of you here's what to do:

1. Go to the GP. Report that you are experiencing "carer stress" and need help maintaining your intimate relationship with your wife.

1. Google these people and similar organisations kidney charity which helps families

1. Stay away from the other two women, try a whole lot of wanking.

Your family has had a horrible time and I'm sorry for that.

There is support available to help you work out how to make things as good as possible, but, you'll have to ask for it. If you can't face seeing your GP then look at your local council pages for "carers", or google "carers, my local area". Your son would also be able to seek some advice as a young carer, clearly having a mother who is tired and absent for periods of time will have an impact on him.

You are not the only man in this situation, and, it must be grim for you. I am sorry that your family has been hijacked by this illness, your story makes very sad reading.

Don't leave your wife because you've got an erection and nowhere to put it, that would be a horrible thing to do and I'm quite sure it's not a lesson you want your child to learn.

Yvyb
Abso fucking lutely!