Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

Darkesteyes agree completely that if a man loses their libido it can often be unfairly turned into a woman's problem. Totally wrong of course.

Also mismatched sex drives are more often skewed towards the man's being higher than the woman's.

Surveys on sexual behaviour consistently suggest that a lot of women don't enjoy sex all that much and some never orgasm.

Viagra made Pfizer a fortune. So as far as the pharmaceutical companies are concerned a pill to deal with 'female sexual dysfunction' (their term not mine) is the Holy Grail. Another reason why low libido/lack of libido is pathologised... it's potentially a huge money spinner for lots of people.

Yy Maypole And women who DO enjoy sex are often vilified and slut shamed for it.

Darkesteyes You are right.

I think this reality is more common Woman doesn't want sex= tired/low libido
Man doesn't want sex= tired/low libido

Of course there are other reasons

YY Renta What pisses me off is that when a man doesnt want it any more the woman is blamed
When the woman dosent want it anymore the woman is blamed.

I married my DH knowing he'd had a kidney transplant and that this could fail any day.

I also knew that his condition is genetic and any female children we had would be affected.

Luckily his transplant is going strong but I'll be there for him if it all goes tits up.

I know it will be hard but I'm confident that if anything happens to me, he'll be there for me.

It sounds like there's more going on in your marriage OP, have you discussed counselling?

Because society can't seem to believe that maybe some men don't want sex that much/at all.

Yet it's all a spectrum surely!

I think if men aren't interested in sex there is also a tendency to ask if they are using porn very heavily or gay.

All very interesting but to return to the OP I honestly get the impression it is lack of affection as much as lack of sex. If there is a good reason why sex isn't happening (illness, exhaustion etc) there doesn't seem to be so much dissatisfaction if affection remains. I suppose because being tactile and close is as much a part of the bond between a couple as actual shagging (and in the scheme of things probably more important for many because sex with no affection is pretty alienating).

The OP is obviously sexually frustrated, he's only 35 and hasn't had sex for two years. But I don't get the impression it is all about sex it is more that his wife seems in many ways to have emotionally checked out of the relationship; she seems disengaged from him and also, from what he says, is disengaged to an extent from their son.

I've had health problems in the past and they can make you self absorbed.

I have had the impression that the OP doesn't just want to get his rocks off; not at all. He wants his wife to engage with him more. He strikes me as very lonely.

Her illness may be a red herring and this relationship has other issues beyond that. Being ill can be an 'alibi' if you like; it's possible to embrace the sick role and shelter in that to avoid confronting other problems or doing things that you wouldn't want to do anyway.

I'm not being harsh here. Just offering another perspective to balance out all the opprobrium that has been directed at the OP as if he is just some insensitive caveman wanting his atavistic needs met. I was aware sometimes when I was ill that it gave me a get out of jail free card that meant I didn't have to engage with things I didnt' want to engage with.

maypoledancer I agree with everything you've said. I think the general lack of affection is a sign that things have changed for the OP's wife too. She is keen to keep working (probably likes the normality of it and maybe doesn't want to be dependent on OP) but this exhausts her and she has no energy to do family stuff at weekends

My OH has a very busy/ stressful job that means he sleeps a lot/lounges around at weekends and I do find myself getting resentful when I sometimes seem to be doing all the childcare. So normal feelings from OP here though I accept his wife is less able than my OH

Maypole i second Renta Thats a good post.

Your wife has been extremely I'll and has almost died and the one thing you are most upset about is the effect it has had on your sex life? Jesus.

I've read some fucked up posts bemoaning a lack of sex-life on mumsnet before but this one is by far and away the worst.

Flowers for you, cricket, for the six years of caring you have done without affection shown to you which would bring anybody down. Your situation sounds incredibly difficult and I think just about anyone would be suffering from careers fatigue as you so clearly are. Perhaps you could ask your GP to refer you for some counselling yourself? Best of luck to you and your family.

Well I'm a bit pissed off with whats happened with this thread. I guess it all got a little nasty for Kotinka but I wasn't the least offended with what had been said. Just embarrassed for some of the posters with what garbage they had written.

I think maypole has come closest to summing up my thoughts. I have got a lot out of this thread , some wonderful advice from some wise people.

Now I will return to the real world and try and sort out my marriage.

Thanks for your time and advice

I hope you find a way to happiness OP All the best

OP, I can understand where you are coming from. Without going into detail, my marriage is a little bit like yours. My DH is still here and I honestly wouldn't blame him if he left me.

I really hope you can sort it out and I don't think you are terrible for saying what you have. Sex is important for most people and to expect someone to just never have it when they want to is not on.

Obviously an affair would be a terrible thing to do but you need to sit down with your wife and gently explain the affect this is having on your marriage. See if she will go to relationship counselling if you feel its necessary.

If you do really work at it but nothing changes in the long term, then you need to see if you can live like this forever (although maybe it would change) and if not, accept that you need to separate.

I can't believe someone spent almost an hour spamming a thread because they didn't like what was being said.

This is the one and only time on MN that I have actually thought "get a life" and I hate when people say that to posters.

But seriously?

Molly when i came back online and saw it i thought gremlins had finally got in the system....

Ditto Darkesteyes but I have seen kotinka posting around before, It's very strange.

I also agree with everything you have said.

Thanks Molly.

I have spent most of this evening reading this thread and I still don't know what to think.

OP, it is hard for me to be objective because I had to throw my XP out last year after his third EA. He claimed I had pushed him into this because of my illness. Truth be told, I think he fell out of love with me way beforehand and was too cowardly to do the breaking up bit.

It is so difficult to try and separate the illness from the person sometimes (I find it difficult to know who I am at times) but, if your wife weren't ill, would you still be with her? You say you've fallen out of love with her but then some of your comments make me think you do love her deep down. I hope that you can find a way to make things work for you all.

However, if you really don't love her anymore then please have the courage to be honest with her and don't leave her believing she is unloveable because she is ill. She has been through so much, she deserves your honesty and respect.

As for Kotinka, I think she has gone now. Very very odd behaviour

maypole summed up exactly what I think about the op situation. Its a crap situation all round and I certainly think the op has a right to be happy, this is the rest of his life we are talking about!!

I hope things get better for you op

Being exhausted by illness, and then trying to work on top of that, and trying to look after a child on top of that...... No, no energy left for sex, none. With that lot, the guilt of not doing stuff with your child, the guilt of not doing stuff with your spouse, the guilt of not performing like you used to at work, and you're only doing it pt too..... The sadness of knowing you are not the person you were, of facing the possibility you may never be the person you were, the misery of having been competent and capable but you no longer are..... The shame of knowing that every day you are letting people down even though you are trying so so so hard..... The fear that this is the final state of your life and things will never be different..... The worry that your spouse will leave you. The knowledge that you are no longer good enough. The terror that you will get worse, get ill with something else, that you will never never never get better.

She's exhausted. Everything exhausts her. She probably feels exhausted just from getting out of bed. Her determination is what is keeping her upright. When you cuddle her she feels guilty, because she knows how long it is since you had sex too, so she feels bad, because she feels it's her fault and another burden is laid on her already wasted and knackered frame.

None of this is your fault. None of it is her fault.

Patience. Encouragement. Save energy where possible (does she have a chair/scooter? Don't waste energy on walking to the park, save it for getting on the swing, as it were.)

Maybe op has gone, maybe he'll pop back. Maybe he'll find it helpful.

Kotinka, if a man did what you have been doing, it would be called abuse. You should know better.

Good luck OP.

Jus you speak with knowledge.
You describe the inner turmoil/journey to perfection.

Sorry meant Jux

WTF!!!

who is kotinka? what did they do?

never seen the like? can someone tell me?

WHATS GOING OOOOONNNNNN