Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

She's been through a hard time, and you have not had it easy either.

But I can't help wonder if you are implying if she gave up her job she may have a bit more energy for sex?

You only have one life in this world, so why not do something amazing with it, like stick to your marriage vows, try and find a way to cope with your situation and look after the woman you "care deeply about".

How nice for you that you have 2 women waiting in the wings.
I hope that your wife regains her health and finds someone that truly loves her.

i feel for you op
you have lost core elements of what made your marriage work
you need to be explicit with her and see if she can make any changes
i dont believe its usual to be so exhausted after transplant, she needs to speak to her specialist, maybe she is having drug side effects, maybe she has untreated depression
could you make date night once a week, eg a takeaway and time for snuggling up together with no 'threat or worry' of sex for her?
ANd why shouldnt your son choose who he lives with? I would think thats the best option if it came to that.
Dont wait op, act to try to change the situation and see what you can regain of your marriage
good luck

You haven't once expressed anything about how she feels. Do you think she likes feeling this way? Do you know how absolutely shit it is when you know you're neglecting your family but there's fuck all you can do about it because you're so ill.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?
Wow. You sure do love her don't you.

If you feel like this then her getting better won't do any good. You obviously don't love her so why bother

Wow! You are either very brave, very foolhardy, or making the whole thing up. I'm going to answer as though I take it on face value though.

It's only been 2 years. I would have expected most marriages - even ones in which sex is of huge significance - to whether an absence of sex because of ill health. Love would normally sustain you through that short a length of time for such a profound reason.

If you came on here saying your wife had refused to have sex for 2 years for no reason whatsoever other than she didn't want to, I'd give a different response.

You don't love your wife enough to stay and cope is the bare-bones truth. You are not up to the task of abiding by your marriage vows. I'm sure that's not something you'd be proud to admit, but you certainly wouldn't be on your own for feeling that way, and only an idealistic fool would believe that in all cases love is enough. If love was enough to overcome everything we wouldn't have the divorce rate we have.

If you're unhappy enough to leave, leave. Your wife won't thank you for staying out of a sense of duty. I'm sure the damage wreaked on her mind and body through illness, surgery, drugs and being forced to confront her own mortality has already left her feeling low. You hanging around making her feel inadequate for not wanting sex is only going to make her feel worse.

It's ok to leave a marriage because you don't love someone any more. It's ok to leave a marriage because you're not getting any sex. It's ok to leave a marriage because you can't cope with the demands of looking after a sick spouse. It's ok to leave a marriage for pretty much any reason you like, but the flip-side of that freedom is being able to stand up and say "this is my decision and I take responsibility for it no matter what other people may think of me as a result." If you want people en masse to say "it's ok to leave your sick wife because she's not giving you enough sex", it's never going to happen.

weather not whether

kotinka bugger off, that's how many posts you've made trying to stick up for him? We have read that absolutely self obsessed, actually disgusting first post and made our decisions. I think he's told us quite enough to make judgement.

I always like to see two sides, and I do think men get a lot of stick on this forum and do put my two pennies in, but anything this OP gets he thoroughly deserves. My heart goes out to the poor sick woman who has to live with a man who is harbouring so much resentment for her

One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

Who says things like this?

Just...wow to the rest of it.

My dp has been amazing I have had 2 transplants and life has been rough at times but she may come through this Sometimes it takes time to adjust Talk to her

I think staying in "a loveless marriage" is pointless.

If you don't love your wife any more, leave. Sorry you've all had such a hard time.

A husband who cannot love and support his wife through whatever life throws at them isn't a husband, he's a selfish single man.

^^This, with bells on.

I've known women walk out on men who have become disabled in the service of our country. Soldiers.

Just saying, women do it too.

I'm sure we're aware of that Jessica but it isn't quite relevant here is it

If a woman had made that post I hope she would have received the same reaction.

I can't really advise you but sending you a hug. You've been incredibly open and honest here and I wonder how so many of the people here who have judged you harshly would have coped in similar circumstances. While you could waste your life endlessly weighing up your options you have to follow your heart and realise that you have only one life and that it is very short. I wish you luck.

OP you have my sympathy. 8 years of illness and being effectively a single parent is really tough to deal with. Yes your wife has had a terrible time but it's very short sighted to not acknowledge the stress on you. This is about you.

I am not sure leaving would give you the life you want but completely understand why you want to. Life does deal horrible stuff and you and your wife have been dealt it. You have an option. She doesn't. I don't blame you for considering opting out. Please investigate prognosis and other ways of coping first.

Just because you have a life long illness it doesn't mean you have no life it is just different to the 'norm' although what is that? I don't think this is about health because if you really loved each other nothing could break it. Strain it yes depending on how strong you are but you can get through things

there have been threads here from women whose husbands are no longer having sex with them (foe whatever reason). they are invariably advised to leave. double standards?

This isn't solely about sex though. And I haven't seen a thread were a woman's husband has been extremely ill and been advised to LTB on the basis of no sex?

His attitude to the whole thing is why he has received criticism. If he had a different attitude then maybe he would have gotten more sympathy. He married her because she was good in bed. He will take her child. Asks 'how long he should give her'. Claims it's a loveless marriage, just because he isn't getting sex. Horrible.