Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

I think you've been very honest. I also think that if you'd been a woman describing a relationship with no sex (but without describing the illness) you'd have received different replies.

You need to establish if your wife still loves you and wants to.make it work, then you need to ask yourself the same questions.

I think you've been very honest. I also think that if you'd been a woman describing a relationship with no sex (but without describing the illness) you'd have received different replies

Obviously because the illness is the key issue in this case

If it was just a matter of her not wanting to have sex it'd be different. This woman is feeling too ill to have sex. Completely different.

Agreed but it does depend on her feelings. He needs to find out if she still loves him and wants the relationship to work.

But it's NOT just about sex!!

The OP has made sex an important part, true, but it's far more than just that if you read his first and second postings. There appears to be little if any intimacy at all, be that kisses or cuddles. She spends most weekends and evenings napping and rarely has the energy to do anything with her son. But can go out to work.

If illness was not involved, answers would be very different, as it would had the OP not made such a deal about the sex. But illness is involved and must be borne in mind, of course. But people are choosing to look at this in a blinkered way, admittedly because of poor choice of words, even if that is what he feels.

My Mum has puup with what you have for many years, started around same age too. he is 68, and still ill

My dad however (bless him) has alays had ooles of positivity, and energy. How I dont know. But its very very hard for everyone.

But I can see it feels like you put alot in, and get nothing back.

I think in all conscience you need to fight for this marriage before you give up on it. I also think you sound s bit tired and done in too, maybe you both need a break/some fresh perspective.

you cant take her son though, thats wrong on so many levels.

also maybe her depression /apathy stems from the fact she senses you feel like this? your love is not unconditional, and she cant be stupid. Maybe you would be better apart????

Yes leave her. She deserves better and better would be being alone, its a sad situation all round including for you but don't you dare even consider taking her child with you.

Is this a reverse AIBU?

(OK so this isn't in AIBU but I just wondered)

I think there is a short and a medium term issue here.

Short term answer is no, don't leave now, but after 2 years it is time to see if she is still wanting to make things work, and can be helped medically, and with counselling, and you need to stand by her through all that.

Medium term it becomes a different question, if this really is as good as it's ever going to be then the question starts to be what do you do with the rest of your lives.

Being a carer for an ill spouse is very very hard. I suppose what gets people through is that they love their spouse even if sometimes it feels too much.
I'm afraid you do sound selfish in your post and worse than that, like you don't love your wife enough. I feel very sorry for her.
Do you think if she gave up work she would suddenly get her sex drive back and you would be happy? No, not necessarily and because you haven't really got the strength to support her, I'm not sure it would ever be enough.
Whilst the pressure on you has been great, I fear there may be something fundamentally lacking in your marriage.
I can see you've been through the mill but how many of us are the same lively sparks we were when we first met?

I'm probably going to regret posting this, but I think we should separate the issue of the child from the issue of continuing with the marriage.

If the OP has been the primary carer all these years then it's in the child's best interests that he stays with his father. While it seems terribly unfair on the mum, adding to her loss, it's not about what's fair for the parents, it's about what's best for the child.

Are you trying to say that your wife is using energy on her working life that you feel would be better expended upon doing activities and spending time w/ her son (and you too)?

Is this a source of resentment?

I kind of understand it if it is.

I also understand how your wife retains her sense of self through outside work.

However if you feel she has energy for some activities/work but not for the child are you saying that this is an active choice she has made rather than an accidental consequence?

Either way it is time to bring the in outside world so as to gain some help. Previous posters have recommended support groups and you need to have a Carers assessment and a chat with your GP. I also suggest your wife (or you) seek an assessment of her mood. She may have Depression and this can be addressed. She needs to work with you on this and you need to be faithful to her whilst this happens. No matter how sick she is, she also took marriage vows and has a loving duty to worry about how you are feeling too and to want to make you happy (and I don't mean by just having sex either). If she feels you won't pressurise her for sexual contact maybe she will be more affectionate?

Nobody can live without affection so I hope you both can sort this. If not, then separate knowing you truly did everything you could do work it out.

dahlen I agree. the interests of the dc come first. he is not the possession of either parent.

However, I hope OP that your dw does recover some of her spark for hers and your sake.

There are some good suggestions, particularly, investigating the tiredness just in case there is an underlying cause that is not just what would expect whilst recovering.

And also the suggestion of asking her what she wants regarding the future.

Cricket, having thought about it some more I think you may be suffering from a form of "carer's fatigue" as well - which is completely understandable given the stress of the last 6 years. Yes, your wife has been through a lot but you have too, and I think that is what you were trying to express in your (perhaps not perfectly word) post.

I'd recommend The Selfish Pig's Guide to Caring (the name is a bit tongue in cheek) www.amazon.co.uk/Selfish-Pigs-Guide-Caring-ebook/dp/B0087GZAL8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1383146208&sr=8-1&keywords=carer+pig

It really helped my friend whose husband has had cancer repeatedly over the last 10 years. She is the ultimate doting wife, loves her husband dearly but even she says that sometimes she wants to scream at the utter injustice of it and say "what about me?!" sometimes.

I will also repeat that your wife may need to return to her GP if she is continuing to feel this level of exhaustion.

I really do wish you the very best in all of this, it is a horrible situation to be in and is certainly compounded by feeling that you're being taken for granted.

I hope for all your sakes that your wife continues to get better and that you will get through this difficult time to be a happier family.

Im sorry you had many harsh responses. Truth is that its very hard to let go expectations we had of life and marriage and you are just being honest about your needs. I think you need to find a way to talk through things with your wife - about what you want and what she wants. Given you had a good sexlife before I imagine she's also sad and scared about losing that part of her life. Doubly so as the option to get it back by finding someone new probably feels more remote to her. Find some way back - and also think about whether youd be able to live with yourself if you broke the promises you made because she's sick - my h is ill, some days it's just the thought that I couldn't look myself in the mirror that stops me. Other days it's also that we love each other and communicate - and I hope we will find a way back.

I was in a 17 year relationship with a girlfriend who had an auto-immune/inflammatory disease. For the latter half of that she was on crutches, then a wheelchair and ALWAYS in pain. So, I'm not entirely unsympathetic and suspect most of the nastier comments you've attracted are from people who've never had to care for a chronically sick and/or disabled partner. It's very stressful and it's only been the last 10 years or so that that's been recognised,,, resulting in support groups and charities. Maybe they'll offer you more support than you'll get here. That said,, I've never needed a marriage cert' to make me believe and adhere to "in sickness and health". I thought about leaving but quickly realised I couldn't and wouldn't. You can leave anybody except yourself. I wouldn't want to look in a mirror and see a selfish coward who ran away staring back. I don't give a fuck if other people hate me so long as I can live with myself. If you like yourself, you don't need others/different/extra marital affairs to make you feel better. As for the sex life, it's a small part of a relationship that's otherwise satisfying. Anyone constantly run down and/or in pain isn't going to feel horny very often. More likely, they're short tempered and resentful,,, and who can blame them? You may well feel that fate has dealt you a cruel blow,, and it has,, but it's dealt your wife a far crueller one. You maybe gagging for sex,, she's probably gagging for a libido. You're NOT that badly off. As Andy said way back, have a wank, then focus on those aspects of the relationship that're still good. You don't describe your wife in negative terms beyond her ill health so nobody is gonna support you leaving her. Sure it's tough,, life is for most of us and none are entitled to an easy ride. Personally, I navigate it quite happily by following the adage of treating others as I'd like to be treated. Specific to you, I wouldn't like to be abandoned if I got sick and wouldn't do it to a partner. There's a lot to be said for liking your own reflection.

SNAP FirstTimer. I was writing while you were posting. It's a biggie, that fuckin' mirror. lol

Wanking for years on end does NOT replace the intimacy of being with a partner if there are no (or hardly any) kisses, cuddles and affection in all the other ways it can be shown. Some people couldn't live with never having sex again. Some people could. But most people couldn't cope with an almost total lack of intimacy and affection.

OP, if I were you I would start planning what to say when your son has his first genetics lesson in science class and connects the dots. You say that he is "very active and sporty"- what are you going to say to him when he comes home from school and asks "Dad, if I ever get like mum, what would you do?"
I am also interested to know why you referred to him in your first post as "our son" but this then changed to "my boy" when you were talking about taking him away and leaving your wife with the material stuff, and then "my son" - not "our son"- in the second post.
I don't think you will ever get a special big prize and a Blue Peter badge from MNers for passing up the chance of cheating on your spouse.
Good luck whatever you decide to do, sounds like a horrible situation for all concerned.

dahlen I agree with your comment about OP's DS. There are some nasty comments on this thread e.g. Don't you dare take her son He is their son and his needs and wishes should come before OP's and his DW.

OP, hopefully arguing over custody is a long way off for you, I think you've received a pasting here that is not entirely justified and I can't imagine how hard life must be for you and your family. Some of your comments do spark the thought that you are not considering how your wife feels about your marriage, though. I'm sure it is difficult for you both to deal with the illness and the marriage separately, but can you try to have some moments where you talk and behave as a couple rather than as carer/patient? I don't just mean sex/physical affection, I think there may be a lot of talking and understanding, and just being together, that needs to come first. Listen to her. Does she feel loved? Does she feel guilty? Does she feel abandoned? Please don't pressure her into stopping working, a job can be very valuable for someone who is having a hard time. It is possible she has poor self esteem and it brings a sense of self-worth. If she stops it has to be her decision.

Your needs are important as well, which it seems you understand, but you are only likely to make her feel guilty and/or angry if you just focus on them.

Agree with schmaltzing I had my first transplant in 1985 and second in 2000. I am still tired 80% of the time tbh its all the meds but we have adapted and no one would know we weren't just your average family to look. All my mates take my health into account when we do stuff like days out parties nights out etc and because of this openness we still do everything. It does take a certain mindset and you have to want it. Tbh my health issues are a pita at times but this has also made us so grateful for every minute never mind day and we take NOTHING for granted and live like there's no tomorrow and are far happier than some of our friends who have their health and everything that goes with that but are never satisfied! Maybe try and take a different view There are people within renal units who can help you all

Never suggested it was easy Jessica, but there are a lot of intimacies unrelated to the sexual/tactile that're worth maintaining a relationship for. While single, I have the love and support of friends n some family but the sex I get is entirely solo. If I were offered sex 3 times a week on the proviso that I gave up that love and support, I wouldn't even consider it. I like sex but my life isn't dependent on it.

I'm so sorry op both for what you are going through and for some of the hideous responses on here

Of course it's terrible for your wife to be in this position, but it's unfair on both of you and you deserve to be happy too

How often do women get advised to leave marriages in which they are not happy? A marriage is worthless if someone is miserable within it. If a man didn't give any affection some would see it as emotional abuse, though I'm not for one minute blaming your wife for any of this, you are both victims of circumstance. If things didnt change you could spend your whole life being unhappy and no one should sacrifice themselves like that

I'm also surprised that people would have an issue with your son being with you if the marriage ended, children should almost always stay with their primary carers- it wouldn't be a punishment to your wife

I say all this as someone who is severely disabled and my husband is my carer. We have a very very happy marriage but I would never ever want him to stay with me through duty or guilt, his needs are as important as mine

I hope you can find a way to be happy

I think the OP has been honest. It takes its toll on the whole family when a member is ill for such a long time. It becomes all consuming and every body else apart from the person who is ill gets side-lined

We are all human beings with faults unlike like some of the imaginary profiles on MN.

I grew up with my DM being 'ill' and in bed most of my child life (she actually had very bad mental health) I resented it. When I got the chance to live with my DGM I jumped at the chance. I think the OP recognises this in his son, that all.

Thank goodness that some posters can read between the lines and see that all isn't black and white.

op I don't know really what to suggest, maybe your wife needs counselling as she maybe traumatised or depressed. Maybe family counselling too so you can all see each others take on what this illness has caused for every body even your DS as I'm sure he is struggling too. I wouldn't sit back and watch the years float by in resentful silence.
good luck