Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

Kotinka was 'trying to help'...

OP - Good luck.

Living as a carer of someone you married to be in partnership is one thing - living with a wife who does not wish to kiss or hold you is anotehr.

Really sorry you are in this very difficult position. A close friend is living with partner disabled by the devastating effects of cheo and it has all but mutually destroyed their relationship, but slowly, slowly they are adjujsting and rescuing themselves and each other. Counselling helped, and was free thoruhg the GP.

Depression doesn't manifest itself as being 'depressed' - it often manifests itself as being critical, withdrawn, not doing anything, taking no interest, loss of libido...

Sorry for the weirdness, MN can be very supportive and helpful, sometimes.

Good luck.

Cricket77 - you need to look past your own needs to the needs of your wife and son. Your leaving would be hard for them. Your wife has been through so much and is still recovering and will have life long medications and checks. You need to be there for her - for better or worse. You must show her affection and be kind to her. Look after her and meet your new responsibilities. You sound like a good husband and father

Laugingeyes, I do have some knowledge/experience. What I can't decide is whether it is ultimately fairer to both op and his wife, if they call it a day now. Or not. Trying to work through it at a pace which works for both of them? Really hard, just finding the pace - he will want things resolved and sorted asap of course, and she will want things done at a pace which doesn't add to her stress and distress. Which will be too slow for him.

It's a really hard one.

And perhaps, when you get right down to it, neither of them really want to be together anyway. Very hard.

Maypole dancer - spot on post - what I'd have said if I was more coherent

Cannot believe how unsympathetic and narrow minded some posters were - luckily OP you have persevered as there have also been some great and thoughtful posts on this very thought provoking topic

This is all a few days old now, and so probably unnecessary to post more, but I did want to say that when I read the OP I didn't think that the OP was awful at all. It just made me cry, a lot. But that's perhaps the pregnancy hormones more than anything. I think it is such a sad situation on everyone's part. It might have been said already (to be honest I didn't read all the posts as there was so much unpleasantness) but I wonder if maybe the OP's wife is equally unhappy in the marriage. Just because she's ill doesn't mean that she wants to be there. It struck me as a little odd that she insists on working if it means she has no energy then for DH or DS. What about seeing what your wife thinks about a week or so apart? Maybe you could take DS for a fun boys' week running round and doing activity things and leave her to rest by herself for a while? Perhaps a little bit of time apart will give you both space to reflect on your marriage. It's so difficult to know what you want when it's there all the time and you're so exhausted.

Two words : Unconditional Love

Johflow have a think about that. Marital love is not actually unconditional. The marriage vows themselves have conditions on them.

People these days make their own marriage vows, we aren't living in the 1930s any more when we had to stay together until death no matter how miserable we are. A marriage shouldn't feel like a prison sentence, if it does you leave. If my husband no longer wants to live with me I'd rather he left, even if I got ill. I don't want him staying with me out of duty and resenting me.
A relative of mine stayed with her husband when he was ill because she felt guilty, his health improved and she wasn't any happier so left. she still got alot of grief for it.
And then we wonder why some people are wary of marriage.

Did the thread get hacked by a bored child? I wondered what people were referring too and it looks like either a brat or a drunk has been at the thread.

No 2rebecca not a bored child, drunk or a brat. Just a concerned MNer horrified by the vicious posts.

Why not just make her point and then change threads? You don't win an argument by endlessly repeating yourself or having to have the last word.

..She got carried away, banned, and has apologised for it subsequently. She agrees with you!

I'm quite sad about this post, my husband stayed with me after a kidney transplant and supported me through dialysis, a large clot, infections, nearly dying x2! As women that was in your wife's position I feel that you need to understand the emotional impact on your wife post transplant, I was ill for a while and it's hard to just change your thought process and feel emotionally available again. She may have picked up on your distance which won't make her feel any better or what to be intimate. Also after transplant her body has changed, my has scars from loads of operation this may have affected her confidence as well. I think that you need to understand where she is coming from! It's not easy that Ill for so long! Talk to her and ask her what you can do to make her feel good! When was the last time you bought her flowers, took her for a meal or surprise her with something she would like? There are other ways to be close however I'm going to say this on behalf of most women possibly more importantly women who have had a transplant we have been through a lot, a bit of wooing might make feel more comfortable-other poster are right not all about sex. Focus on making her feel good again the rest will follow!

Hope this helps!

Zombie thread from 2013

you sound very selfish! Reverse the story the other way round and think how it would make you feel, if it were your wife to type that.

Probably going to be told off for this post
Is it possible that your wife is depressed as well as her physical illness

Tell her how much you want to fix the marriage and how you love her

Write down bullet points of what you want from her (that will be possible for her)
And do the same for what is making you miserable give them to her

And give her the space for it to sink in
Take DS away for a weekend have a little fun

And if she wants to improve the marriage she will
You can only give her the opportunity

I say this as a woman who is ill a lot of the time
And my husband did this very thing it opened up my vision and now our marriage is going well

Bigger and better things to do I hope that be a time waster give us a gift and do something else

❌❌❌❌❌ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!! ❌❌❌❌❌❌❌