Do I leave my ill wife?

[cricketnut77]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this site (I came here for some independent female and maybe male advice) from people who don’t know me.

I'm 35 my wife is 38 and I've been married to her for 8 years and we have a 9 year old boy who is by far the most important thing in my life. Things were great for the first few years of marriage but then my wife developed problems with her kidneys (inherited) and had to go on dialysis. This made her very tired but we struggled on, she went part-time at work. We still went on holidays and had nice times but she had lost her spark and any get up and go..

Anyway just over 2 years ago we had the great news that she was to have a kidney transplant and they had found a good match. So she had the transplant and we both expected it to transform our lives. Well after a couple of weeks she got a MRSA type infection and a couple of other things meant she was extremely ill and was in hospital for nearly 5 months. She also lost a lot of weight (she went down from 11 stone to 7) and she became very frail. I had a lot of time off work when she came out of hospital and she gradually has got better. However she is still much weaker than she was and she has less energy than she had when she was on dialysis.

She has gone back to work part time even though it leaves her shattered and refuses to leave her job, the money is useful but we could manage without it. She spends most weekends napping on the sofa and very rarely has the energy to do anything with our son. He is very active and sporty, very well behaved and understands she is not well but I think he is a little resentful that she doesn't do much with him.

Probably the hardest thing for me to deal with is the lack of physical affection she shows me, I give her a kiss and a cuddle but she barely reciprocates and we have not had sex since we she had the transplant. I have spoken with her several times- each time she has told me she is not ready for it yet even though it is a year since she started back at work. The physical / sex drive thing went down a lot when she was on dialysis which I understood to be normal but now I feel so down about it as I have a high sex drive and making love with her in the early days was so great. One of the reasons I married her was she was so good in bed!!

I have been tempted to have an affair but haven’t - there are two women I know who have admitted to me they like me but until now I always wanted to give my wife the time she deserves.

I am not going to rush into any quick decisions but I feel that I am trapped in a loveless marriage. I am an outgoing person - I love going out and enjoying myself both with my mates and my wife but she never has any energy. It’s like being married to an 85 year old. I am an optimistic person but I don't think she will ever be near the woman I married and she will always be poorly. I know that this is not her fault which is why it is so hard but I am so unhappy.

If I leave I am willing to give her everything, house, car, possessions apart from my boy who I am certain would rather live with me. I still care deeply about my wife and would still look after her when I can. I understand that if I did leave her family (who like me - and I get on really well with - will probably hate my guts)

I know this makes me sound very selfish and probably I am but we only get one life in this world.

Any thoughts? How much time should I give her?

Many thanks in advance - I know this is very long!!

Let's not just slate the OP here, I think it takes a lot to be honest about this and he's giving details so that we have the full story.

That being said, no OP, do NOT leave your ill wife - you say that your DW's family will hate you for doing this, imagine what your DS will think when he's older and he tries to come to terms with the fact that you abandoned his mother.

I don't think you're truly considering this, I think you are desperate with the current state of affairs and you can't see any other way of changing the situation but that's not true.

I think you need to really talk to your wife, not just about the sex, but about EVERYTHING. When was the last time that you had time to yourselves and asked her how she felt and properly listened? Take a weekend away the two of you and relax, and reconnect.

Many couples need to do this regularly to keep things good between them even without going through the hell that you've been through for the last 6(?) years.

Some of your comments do seem harsh and selfish, but on the other hand I believe that living in a loveless marriage (as you say it is) will build resentment and that is no way for either of you to live the rest of your lives. You also should remember that your relationship now will mould your DS's expectations of a relationship which could affect him when he's older.

I don't really know what to suggest except to try counselling (I would suggest you and DW independently at least to begin with) and to talk to your DW as openly as you can about this. (Although it might be helpful if you left out the bits about considering having an affair and that you envisage your DS living with you if you spilt)

Do you feel a bit like you have become your DW's carer rather than her husband? I have heard that comment from friends who have been through similar long-term illness. Sadly their marriage never recovered from that, although they do remain friends. I think there is some mutual understanding of how it affected them both, which helped, and crucially there were no DC.

I hope you find a way through this.

Why did she marry you?

I don't know what to say- what a sad and difficult situation.

I do feel that, however selfish the OP sounds to the rest of you, he has been taking care of his very sick wife for 4 or 5 years (maybe more, it's unclear); also, he is feeling that she doesn't love him any more, and seems only to have energy for her job.

This is incredibly hard on him, as well as her, and he has not had an affair, abandoned her, or allowed their son to suffer any more than he can help. How can Methe call him an "absolute wanker" because he is fed up, frustrated, maybe desperate, and asking advice on here?

Good lord I have been your wife

twice

Sorry, lots of other sympathetic posts since I started writing-

Your post sounds incredibly selfish. I'm sure you wife also hates the fact that she is so ill and is not the person she was before. You took vows after all.

Working part time is what's keeping her going and maybe giving her a break from it all. I'm sure she adores your DS as much as you do and probably needs him MORE than you do.

Talk to her.

She may be just as frustrated as you with the lack of intimacy but you need to build up to that, it's obviously not just about sex. After taking to you may find she is also ready to walk away from the relationship.

Oh and bragging that 'two women fancy you, but you would never do anything' makes you sound like an arsehole.

Funny how people on MN often pick and choose which bits in the marriage vows people should live by and not others. How often when people - of either sex - complain of a lack of a sex life do people say they should get on with it because they vowed that "with my body I thee worship?" Almost never. And yet "in sickness and in health" comes up regularly.

That's regardless of the OP, who said some really 'unfortunate' things in the first place.

I'm sorry but your OP does sound very selfish. I do have sympathy for your situation - I'm sure it has been a difficult time for both of you & I hope you have been as supportive as you say you have been throughout everything.

But, really, sex? Despite everything your wife (and her body) have been through - sex is still the make or break thing for you? Have you imagined how hurtful that would be to your ill, frail, wife? "I love you, I can support you through everything else BUT I'm either leaving or having an affair if you don't start putting out". "P.S. I'm taking DS too" . Try reversing roles & putting yourself on the receiving end of that sort of statement.

If you happened to have a medical condition that robbed you of either the desire or ability to have sex, would you expect your wife to leave you? Would that hurt you? Or would you expect her to value YOU above an orgasm?

I don't mean to be harsh, but really, I'm not sure you have thought this through from every angle.

It reads like you are planning an 'escape' from the life you have with her, - but you get to keep the prize of the child.

Have you stopped to think about what her life would be like if you did this?

The decent thing here would be to ask her what she wants, what she is feeling. What future does she want with (or without) you and your child? Give her the chance to have a say in what her and her child's future will be - don't unilaterally abandon your marriage.

But why is it always ...77?
I think some will get worked up over this unnecessarily.

Claraschu - nowhere does he say that she doesn't love him: simply that she won't have sex with him as she's so exhausted, and he married her partly because she was so good in bed.

How do you think she feels, lying on the sofa all the weekend without energy to take part in family life? While you and your son are bonding, and you are considering other females to possibly hook up with?

You sound just like the husband of an old work colleague - who turned up to visit her when she was in hospital having a knee transplant to tell her that he wanted to split up and she'd have to move out to make way for his new girlfriend and her son.

Has it not occurred to you that she may be missing intimacy or being desirable / desired? This is something that is affecting you both, and which you both need to work on. Leaving her with a house she cannot manage on her own, and taking her child away is an incredibly cruel thing to do.

I sympathise OP, you're only 35 and you're dammed whichever path you go down. Stay with your wife and the chances are things won't get any better, just gradually worse, leave and everyone hates you and calls you selfish.

It's not so much about how much time you should give her - more how much support.

You are honest and brave enough to face the reality of what your relationship has become.

Who knows whether you will ever get things back on track, but without supporting her in the way she needs then I doubt there is any chance. It seems that you are playing a waiting game perhaps rather than asking the right questions and being the support that she needs. 5 (arbitrary figure) years waiting is not the same as 5 years helping her heal physically and emotionally.

You sound as though you resent her working as the way you see it it makes her have less energy: maybe it makes her feel validated

You sound as though your resent the loss to your son of her time, love and affection: maybe she carries huge guilt about that.

I think your feelings are equally valid but you must know that resentment is a killer of love and there is probably degrees of it on both sides.

In my opinion, the only 'cure' is to leave pride at the door and begin open discussion. If you have trust then you have every chance of achieving that. You may even find that a 3rd party will help to diminish any barriers to such talk.

It may also be the case that there is no way forward. Many reasons can contribute to this state of affairs. It is my personal belief that it is entirely acceptable to leave such a situation, but that is just my opinion. I also do not hold the opinion that loyalty is the primary concern. I don't believe that it is of real help to either party. I sickness or in health.

You both deserve the opportunity to save your relationship, to recover the love you shared, and to maintain that for the benefit of your child. However, it is not a guarantee, only an opportunity.

I wish you every hope but also happiness for all of you if things do not work out as you might hope.

PS affairs are not the answer, they cause deeper pain than having someone honestly state they cannot stay and cope with the effects of illness ever will.

Ugh.

Loveless marriage? Well, it may be from your perspective. Nothing you say indicates you really love your wife. If you did, you wouldn't be thinking of doing a runner when she's ill. But you amazingly seem to think you're the victim of this supposedly 'loveless marriage'.

As for marrying someone cos they're good in bed...immature, and bound to go wrong.

As for your wife devoting all her limited energy to work... Good on her. Especially given with a husband like you she's going to need her independence. What do you SERIOUSLY expect her to do? Give up her job, become dependent on you, only to them find that you still find her bedroom perfomance sub par and leaver her anyway?

Wtf. Remember your marriage vows. What did you think the 'in sickness' bit meant?

This is a terrible situation. The only moral way to deal with it is through complete honesty with each other. There may be solutions which allow both of you to continue your marriage. I have a friend in a similar situation and it was her husband's dishonesty that hurt the most.

You married her because she was good in bed?

I could tell you a family story that should put you to shame, but really, I don't think it would be worth it. You seem to have made your mind up to cheat on or leave your wife and poison your son against her. Shame on you.

I am sorry that your wife is so unwell, but I also feel sorry for you. This cannot be easy for either for you. No advice really. Have you sat down with her and had a frank discussion (if that's possible without recrimination) and told her what you feel and asked her about her feelings? Work together how this might be resolved, lack of affection etc? Talk, talk and talk again.....then it's up to you what you do. But, you both have my sympathy.

whoaw talk about a pity party?

poor you, things must have been tough for you but think about your wife!
her body's been ravaged by this disease and now the one person who is meant to be there no matter what, wants to up & leave with her son?!

sorry but you are selfish.