Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

Thanks for all the support

I was fine earlier this week, but something happened to me yesterday at work. I was just sitting in the office with everyone else, chatting, etc, and suddenly I couldn't do it anymore. I started feeling so insecure and completely worthless. This has never happened to me before, especially not so suddenly. Then I was miserable for the rest of the day and literally felt like doing nothing.

I had a good day today so it's all much better!

I realized that I do have self esteem issues. It hit me today. It's weird though, because I generally have a good opinion of myself....but I often feel like other people don't appreciate me or think well of me. I really strive to impress other people but feel insecure at the same time. If any of this makes sense. I've never thought about it before but it's suddenly become a lot clearer!

Artsy this horrible time could be the making of you! I really feel you might come out of this stronger and wiser

Have you thought about counselling to sift through these feelings?

No I've never thought about counselling!! It always seemed like something you'd do in a worst case scenario, like if you were going through depression or something like that. I feel like shit, but I'm not depressed. I'm sorry if that comes across as ignorant, but I just always thought that therapy was for more serious problems than anything I've ever been through. Plus, it's expensive

I thought all you Americans were in therapy Artsy steroptype number 347

I think it can be a really constructive way of talking through issues and getting your thoughts in order.

I think the feeling like shit bit is just the horrible aftermath of a broken heart. But maybe you could think about counselling when you're feeling a bit stronger.

Either way you'll get there. You're clearly a bright, articulate,loving person and you will feel better soon

I often feel like other people don't appreciate me or think well of me

couch-therapist #348 : Who does that^ sound like? Perhaps it sounds like your parents^ - who [you may feel] haven't appreciated you or thought well of you? Sometimes our psyche really is very straightforward about things eg when we didn't feel our primary tank wasn't properly filled, we go looking for what we needed (and felt we didn't get) in other relationships...

As for counselling: frankly, I'd rather do the work to prevent a serious situ! You wouldn't go to a back doctor when you were finally crippled, you'd go when you are at the twinge/uncomfortable stage - in order to prevent being crippled in the future. Pain is a good indicator that something is up, something needs attention. Plus therapy may be expensive but it's sometimes a vital expense. I'm guessing you probably pay for your nails/hair/holidays etc? Perhaps for a while you can do your own nails etc and instead put the money towards a bit of therapy...

The vast majority of us are fucked up to some degree, artsy. If you're getting repeated patterns that suggest something is up, it's certainly an idea to seek out a professional to explore that. Join the club, there are plenty of us in it

edit fail - when we didn't feel our primary tank was properly filled, we go looking for what we needed...

I'll think about it...I just never realized until now that something was wrong. After my last break up, I was really angry and disappointed but I didn't feel so worthless. I've obviously had other problems in life other than break ups, and always felt like I could handle things.
BUT I do admit the self esteem thing. I've actually always been pretty shy, but I try to not let it show!! So when I do meet people, I try really hard to be open and confident, but I do get pretty nervous. And yes, getting attention from men makes me feel better about myself. But, at the end of the day, I often get disappointed because most of the time, it's just superficial, sexual stuff that they're after and they don't really care about me. This is how I've felt a lot with casual dating and now with my relationships too. I mean, nobody would go out and buy me a fridge, you know.

You are lovely, do you know that?!

I think that what you want is what we all want: someone/s to care for us and cherish us for who we are. Someone who saw we needed a 'fridge' and got us one. Because we needed it and it was a caring, practical thing to do.

This guy is pissing me off tbf.

Artsy, a cheaper suggestion than therapy- "It's called a breakup because it's broken"- an excellent book by the same guy who wrote "he's just not that into you" (temporarily forget his name). Please give it a try, it helped me a lot, and it's funny.

You are lovely, do you know that?!
TY!!

He's pissing me off too!!

And now, to make things worse, my friend got me one of the things I left at his place but not the rest!!! She said that that's all they found, but I know that I left something else. I feel like I just need to go to his place and get my stuff, maybe with my friend there! UGHHH....

Crap friend! He obviously wasn't ready and hadn't prepared.

Send him a clear cold email saying you need blah and blah. Write a list if you must.

Arrange for it to be delivered to you somehow. Business-like.

yep, OP, so easy to get sexual attention from men if you are attractive and take care of yourself physically, but so hard to find the one who truly cares and is your soulmate. Just saying, you are not alone in this.
Just a thought, you should work much harder on your self love than on your appearnce - look at those women who don't have the looks but have loving husbands - they must be confident inside and love themselves, and they are RELAXED and not trying to impress, so the men respond to that. And yes, it helps to have had a healthy relationship with your father/parents during childhood. But if you didn't you have to learn these things.

I think you felt ok after the other breakup because you were the strong one in that relationship, and although you were angry with him you respected yourself as a capable helpful partenr to him. But this time you probably started out looking up to him and then been let down by hte person you admired, it's tough. At least now you know he's not really that wonderful as he's a liar and he's not really a good person (slept with you while chasing another woman even though he KNEW how serious you were about him). It's best to find a partner who is neither like a kid, not like a boss/on a pedestal.

'nor', in last sentence.

This may sound really dumb, but I was wondering how much sex has to do with it. I mean, do you think that it matters how quickly things turn physical if you want a lasting relationship?
I've never really had a problem with casual sex and don't really need to wait very long haha
Like I said, things got physical with this guy very early on, same with the other ex, and other men I've just dated casually.
I've never thought it was a big deal because I know people that are married that literally got together as one night stands, but lately I've been thinking that they are the exception. I'm just wondering, if I take things slowly next time in that department, would it make any difference?

yes, I think you should try that next time. As I said before, hold bac a little longer than usual - sexually, but especially emotionally. The advice in books about not jumping into sexs is precisely for those women (the majority?) who get quickly emotionally involved if the sex is good AND they admire her man's personality/success etc. If you don't have sex immediately you tend to keep a cooler head and observe the real him, that's all. But there are women who dobn't get especially emotionally involved after sex - so it doesn't apply to everyone. I still think that even women who aer fine with casual sex, do get emotional after sleeping with somene they really LIKE or see as a potential husband mentally. So in these cases best to wait it out a bit. Sometimes it takes willpower, haha, to resist sex.

springytick 'Perhaps it sounds like your parents - who [you may feel] haven't appreciated you or thought well of you?' Exactly. I suggested this a while ago now, but I got the impression Artsy possibly didn't like it being said. It's hard to swallow.

Artsy 'I mean, nobody would go out and buy me a fridge, you know' - I think you can aim a little higher than that

hahahah it does take willpower!! But you're right, I've mentioned it before on here too...sex is confusing! It just makes you feel so much closer to someone even if you're not and makes things seem like they're going well when they aren't...

ugh..

Beagles has a good point about sex. To my mind, if you don't have a problem with, or actually like, casual sex then chances are you are not going to have a meeting of minds with the kind of fuckwit bloke who will shag some women on the first date but would never consider those women for a long term relationship.

What I am getting at is that if a guy is decent and doesn't have double standards he'll either enjoy the early sex and not allow it to colour how the relationship develops, or he won't try to shag you within a week of meeting.

FWIW I am about to celebrate three fantastic years with DP. We woke up in the same bed the morning after the night we met. For us, it really just meant we'd got the sex bit out of the way early on, leaving us much more free and relaxed to concentrate on developing the relationship. I'd rather find out i was not emotionally compatible with someone I had great sexual chemistry with, than vice versa.

Read The Rules . I'm not suggesting to take it as gospel but it is an interesting viewpoint.

I'm probably going to get my head bitten off by saying this but ime men can be ruled by their dicks and the bottom line (arf) is that they want to shag you first and foremost. He's a successful man, he is used to getting what he wants - not a bad idea to make him wait. It's then possible (probable?) that he would prize more highly what he had to work for (as Marlene Dietrich said 'The longer they wait, the better they like it'). The 'OW' isnt available and he's having to jump through hoops to 'get' her - which has always been the case, hasn't it? Perhaps that is her 'appeal' - he can't have her.

I half agree with beagle that if you wait you'll get a chance to see what he's really made of but imo (and ime) he will very probably be putting on his best behaviour (in order to get that shag?), so you won't necessarily get the full measure of the man in those first weeks (though there will be some tell-tale signs if you know what to look out for - and not excuse in the excitement...).

Obviously, men aren't all beasts; they want to be loved and cherished just like us. Interesting, though, that even in the animal kingdom it is the norm for males to preen and desperately chase while the female puts on a very good show of disinterest and disdain - which appears to up the male's ardour. It's not necessarily the same for humans, of course (though we are animals..) but it is a primal impulse which imo doesn't always take second place to sexual politics.

Artsy might help to have a man's perspective- not that I AM a man but I know a man who has been married and divorced 3 times- he's been round the block a bit. He's witty, bright, good stable career, not a player ( maybe a bad chooser re. his marriages) and women fall for him. But he's now learned ( so he says) that he tries to avoid early sex with them because they get too emotionally involved too soon ( the women.) He of course was/is a typical man and admits that he likes sex and is a bit weak in that respect if it's offered on a plate- but now as an older man he's realised that a lot of women do become - in his words- too attached- to him after what he thought was going to be casual sex. Then he ends up hurting them.

I don't think a decent man would lose respect for you if you had sex early on, but you need to protect yourself from getting too involved if they are just looking for sex and nothing else. This is where waiting can help.

I slept with DH on our 3rd or 4th date which was quicker than my other lovers. I didn't know we would become an item at that point, but I felt pretty sure he was a decent guy and not a player. I liked him but I wasn't in love with him then and if it had fizzled out I'd have coped fine. On the other hand I've been besotted with men who I made wait and was devastated when they ended things.

I don't think there is a one size fits all answer to this. A lot depends on where you are emotionally at the time. But if you feel really keen and sense the guy isn't, then I'd say hold back because otherwise the hurt will be worse IMO if you have sex and he then dumps you.

I don't do casual sex and never have. It's just 'not me'. In order to have sex with a guy I've got to feel something for him intellectually and emotionally, I can't just enjoy sex with someone I don't feel a real connection with- but that's me and not all women are the same.

Maybe decide where you fit into all of this?

sex is confusing! It just makes you feel so much closer to someone even if you're not and makes things seem like they're going well when they aren't...

Your words, Artsy...

I guess what I meant was that sex can make things confusing in a relationship. Like if things aren't going the way they should be, but you still have a strong physical attraction, it's easy to get confused about whether things are okay or not.

I wonder if The Rules is very stereotypical? You've got to remember first and foremost that most writers write for money, not love or wanting to help people! I think there is some truth in The Rules but really, it's what my mum used to tell me 40 years back- summed up by 'Don't look too keen and don't chase him'.

But is that so Artsy? Is it really confusion or not wanting to face up to the truth?

Maybe you need to be more honest. Sex can keep a dying relationship ticking over, but IME the 2 people in it, ( or one of them at least) know that the end is nigh, but they carry on with the sex until they find someone else or have the courage to end the relationship.

I don't think a decent man would lose respect for you if you had sex early on, but you need to protect yourself from getting too involved if they are just looking for sex and nothing else. This is where waiting can help.

See, this is what I've always thought too. I've also done the whole casual sex thing without getting emotionally attached. Sometimes it's just fun and you don't really want anything else and you end up with one good experience, which is totally fine.

I'm just thinking about this particular relationship though and wonder if it would have made any difference if we had taken things slower. I mean, what a lot of people have been saying on here and in real life is that he is emotionally attached to ow, but that he was still with me because he needed some affection and sex since he wasn't getting that from her (yet at least). I don't know what I'm asking really...like if I had made it more difficult for him early on, would he have respected me more in that sense?