Losing my man to another woman, help!

[ArtsyLady]

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

I really, really hope OW turns him down! Although if that happens I also hope you're prepared to tell him where to shove it when he comes crawling back to you...

I know everyone is going to shout at me and say I have to stop thinking about them but I also really hope she rejects him!!

I was thinking about what someone said earlier in this thread. He was was more than willing to develop feelings for this woman to the point where others knew about it (like the friend who told me), even though he was in a long term relationship with someone else. I'm guessing the reason it didn't work out was because of her husband, not his girlfriend. Then when things didn't work out, he stayed with his then girlfriend for a number of years. Then, he starts pursuing a relationship with her again, while he is with me. He just has to learn that he can't keep treating people this way.

I can see why it seemed you were really close when he took you along to things, and in some situations it would mean that. But in hindsight, with the way things panned out, there is another way of looking at it: that he brought you along as an accessory rather than a prospective life partner.

If I have a new jumper I may wear it everywhere, but that doesn't mean it's really special, it just means it's the one I've got. I don't stop and think "is this jumper important enough to me to wear when I see my family?" I just bring it along. Then later I see one in the shop (or to keep the analogy, find one in the cupboard that I thought I'd lost) that looks more suitable, comfortable, matches my eyes better or something, and wear that instead, without giving it, or more particularly the first jumper, any further thought.

This theory does fit in with the emotional distance you mention.

Aaw, Artsy, you're a hot Asian girl in her 20s and he's a balding paunchy bloke in his 40s. He introduced ypu to family, friends, passers by because you made him look good (and probably kept his family off his back). Sorry to say that what you saw as intimacy he saw as showing off his arm candy. The reason he was less interested in your friends/family is because he probably (rightly) suspected that they'd see theough him and tell you that you could do better. Which you can! Don't look back, the man who deserves you is out there.

I was going to say something to what Anniegetyourgun has said so well. (The one good thing is if he used you as an accessory - you obviously are a good accessory so beautiful/intelligent/successful etc.).

'He has to learn that he can't treat people this way'

It's not your concern whether he learns a lesson or not. Mostly people don't, tbh. Leave him to it.

Your concern now is how to move on yourself. It's natural to spend some time analysing what went wrong etc. But I think you should be analysing it more from your own point of view, and less from his.

Think about the lessons you want to learn. Not what was so special about OW or so not-special about you, those aren't the right focus. Think about things like - why did you fall so hard for him? Was it because he was holding something back (as another poster suggested?) Was it because you were still emotionally tied up in the end of your last relationship - and you saw this one as 'The Answer' to explain why that didn't work (last boyfriend was a bit of a waster, this one is sorted therefore This Time It Will Work?)

I think you need to stop focusing on your boyfriends' faults and how those disrupt your relationships. I think that instead you need to focus on yourself and what you want out of life, in specifics (i.e. not just Marriage, Children but the type of relationship you want, among other things)

And then, with the next relationship you embark on, I think you should be aware of how well the relationship is working for you. Not in terms of 'Is He Committing Fast Enough?' (which is the way you talk about both the previous relationships) Instead, think about about whether it's giving you the positive qualities you want out of a relationship - I don't know what they are for you, but for me, for example, they include intellectual companionship, genuine interest in each others achievements and activities, commitment to time together and shared goals, laughing at the same things, kindness to each other, and so on.

If it's not, then walk away. Don't hang around for ages trying to change the person. Get to know lots of men (friendships as well as dating) and the one who presses all those buttons may not be the one that you expect!

I can definitely see what you're saying. He definitely has good taste when it comes to women hahahha
I've seen a picture of that other ex of his and she's attractive (and blonde too) and OW is really pretty too.

I'm not sure if the people in my life would have thought I could do better to be honest. My parents LOVED him, I think to them anything was better than my previous ex and this guy has such a great career and education that they would have married us right away if they could!

I know everyone would read that to mean I wanted him because of my parents approval, but that's not the case. I fell in love with him before my parents even met him, although it may have confirmed my feelings

hopskipandthump i know i should but looking all his behavior from a different perspective really shows me how fooled I was. To me, he was fulfilling everything I wanted, it's not until now that I realize how wrong I was! You know it's not like he was abusive or treated me like crap or anything, he was really really nice and open to me. So it's not like I was trying to hang on to a terrible relationship. It's just that analyzing this in retrospect shows me how I misinterpreted his intentions I think

Artsy I've been (I think!) very supportive throughout your thread though frank as well.

Now for some more....

You do seem to be going through the usual stages of the end of a relationship, analysing the ex and his life.

Try not to! Look not at him and how it didn't work but look at yourself.

Correct me if I am wrong but you come across as having a real intent on commitment and wanting to be in a relationship. I don't know if this is something you recognise or if it's a biological clock issue or what?

Part of the reason you suffered with this guy was your determination to try to get him to commit- and you seem to have done the same with the other guy you wrote about.

In the process you turned a blind eye to their behaviour that showed they weren't on the same course as you.

It's easily done- we see what we want to and ignore the rest.

You are still comparing yourself in terms of looks with his ex's. Please stop. There is no rhyme or reason to attraction- which is why we see great looking women with ugly men and vice versa!

You put this guy on a pedestal because of his education, his age and goodness knows what else. He's not a god- he's a man.

The fact he introduced you to his friends and family did not have to be a sign of his depth of feelings for you- more likely he's just a sociable guy who didn't make any connection between taking you along to meet these people and how you'd interpret it all.

You set too much store by these actions of his - so learn that lesson?

I think it's got to the point where you need to stop thinking about this so much. It's not a complicated situation- it's really very very common! I know you are hurt but at the same time you seem to be in danger of making too much of what happened- namely 2 people with different expectations and different desires for the outcome.

You need to relax a bit, date casually, and not set your sights on 'catching a man' so blatantly because they can smell it and it frightens them off.

Don't you ever sleep Artsy?

My wanker ex taught me one very good lesson "The best answer is no answer". Nothing fucks with someone's head more than silance. If he calls or texts again, ignore ignore ignore!

Hahahhaha I get up really really early and go running!!

I know you nutter!

Hahaha well I ran track all throughout high school and college and we competed with other schools, so getting up at like 3 or 4am for practice was pretty common...so the habit just stuck with me and it's really the best feeling in the world

I run too and agree it's a great feeling. But not great enough to get me out of bed at 4am!! (I couldn't anyway as I couldn't leave the kids but even so... you're still a nutter!)

So if you give yourself the recommended amount of sleep of at least 7 hrs., preferably 8, that means you'd go to bed at 8 or 9 in the evening to get up at 4am! So when do you go to bed??!
I couldn't bear to go to bed before half past 11 at night at the earliest.

I go to bed around 10, although I only do this a few times per week...so on the other days I'll sleep until later an on weekends I don't go running because I usually go out at night haha

Oh, I see. Mind you they say that 6 hours just isn't enough. Look at this, for example: www.helpguide.org/life/sleeping.htm -or this:
www.sleepfoundation.org/article/how-sleep-works/how-much-sleep-do-we-really-need

Supposed to be bad for your immune system, and much more. But not hear to preach! I hardly ever get a decent night's sleep myself because of the late hours my wife seems to prefer.

I usually end up going to bed abt 3 in the morning.... get very, very late meals here! Have to take naps during the day to make up.
Marriage is a compromise.... you can do exactly what you like when you like. Something to be said for that!

Artsy, I totally agree with Loopylou a few posts up. I don't think that everything was perfect and then he went cold on you. I think you had your eyes set on commitment as The Prize and you saw what you wanted to in it.

I think you have the choice to really think about that and learn a lesson - or not.

But (sorry) you probably won't. Just like your ex is unlikely to learn the lesson that you'd like him to.

I agree with others on here though that you sound like a very nice person, so I wish you the best, whether you make the right choices or not!

Thanks hopskip.

You see ARtsy I've done exactly the same as you- ignored the signs. It's as if my brain has a filter system- the bits I wanted to retain stayed ( signs that he cared etc and give it time) and the bits I didn't want to hear ( your ex's 'we'll see' comments for example) just passed me by.

It's only in retrospect that you start to reflect on why you/ we ignored all the signs.

It's like you are so intent on winning the race that you aren't taking notice of the scenery on the way.(Like the analogy with running?:))

I hope you have read my previous post because I took a lot of time over it- and hope you too will learn from your experience this time around.

Hi loopy, I did see your post but have a lot to write in response so I wanted to wait until I get home tonight so I don't have to do it from my phone!

I met my DH when I was 29, he was 38. After about 6 months I asked him if he wanted children, I said if he didn't then we would have to end it. I gave him some space but after about 6 months he said yes. DS1 born when I was 31.

Sometimes you have to be direct!

Retain some dignity and tell him it's over. He will be relieved and you won't have humiliated yourself. He is over you already.

Tululah-Have you read the thread- she told him on Friday.

Dededum- I don't know what your post is saying. Were you in a committed relationship with the guy and having children was the issue- or was that your way of getting him to commit to you? Either way. it's a bit weird. (sorry) and liable after just 6 months to send many men running.

I understand what you're saying, but it's easier said than done. I think I made a step in the right direction by breaking up with him and I doubt that there is any possibility of getting back together, even if I wanted to. I can't just switch off my thoughts, especially after just a few days!!

I want to learn something from this. I tried to avoid the same mistakes after my last relationship broke up. But, I ended up just choosing a very different man, rather than acting differently myself I suppose.

I don't know why I'm so eager to get into a real committed relationship. It's not that I'm worried about my biological clock or that I feel pressured to get married. I just want something more than just a casual relationship, I want a sign that the other person cares about me as much as I do about him. With my ex, I wasn't pressuring him to get married or anything, I just couldn't sit back and watch him screw things up and act like an idiot all the time!! Then, after all the effort I put into our relationship and helping him out, he just dumped me like it meant nothing. So I decided not to get into that position again. This was the only real relationship that I had after the first ex and I liked it because it was completely different. I didn't need to worry about him, make sure he was taking care of his business, provide him with a place to stay because he messed up his lease agreement, none of that crap. I felt like I had someone taking care of my interests. That was slightly screwed up, because he didn't really take care of me at all....but he introduced me to a lot of new things so it felt that way. The good thing was that I didn't have to be in control all the time and I felt relaxed and happy.

In retrospect, I can see that things weren't perfect...I guess what I should have seen as a red flag was his way of getting what he wanted all the time. But he did it in such a nice way that I never felt like it was a bad thing. I obviously knew that he was 40 and not committed, but I don't see that as a character flaw unlike some people.

I don't know what I did wrong here. I guess the only thing I did wrong was seeing things the way I wanted them to be, but he was pretty misleading!!

It's hard because I miss him!!!! I know I have to forget all this, but now that I'm home and in my everyday life, I really really miss having him around. And I'm so sad about how it all worked out. I had a lot of hope and my feelings for him still are pretty strong, but I know he doesn't feel the same way and never will. He hasn't contacted me again, I think he's completely forgotten about me and moved on after a few days!!! I know I can't get over it within less than a week that's for sure.