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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
SweetSkull · 11/11/2013 21:24

Hi.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Let me just say I wish I had MN years ago when I was in very troubled relationships.
I know it is not easy stop thinking about him overnight, take your time, but be easy on yourself and rest assured you done the right thing.
Take care.

Loopyloulu · 11/11/2013 21:29

Of course you'll miss him. It's normal. But maybe all you can take from this experience is not to be so quick to give ( yourself and of yourself.) Make the man work hard to get you instead of trying to reel them in.

It's horrible to be dumped - even though you made the decision this time. But you will get over it - honestly- and find that person who cares for you. You know the saying- what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So even though you feel crap now, it will pass. Take care.

ALittleStranger · 11/11/2013 22:01

Artsy I think you're allowed to give yourself a free pass for a bit to feel like shit.

I've joined in the harsh advice on this thread, because well frankly it's felt needed, but I agree with a previous poster who said there's a danger in giving the advice we wish we'd followed, rather than realistic advice. I broke all the "rules" of MN when my last long-term relationship ended because I gasp showed I was really, really hurting. I'm fine with that.

springytick · 12/11/2013 00:31

Of course you're hurting! And obsessing. Of course! It bloody hurts!

Let it roll through, even the obsessive bits - they'll come to an end eventually. I'm a great believer in letting all the puss come out so, well, its out. Then you can heal properly.

I think the biggest lesson here is that you have tended to contort yourself to fit the man. Lead your own life, artsy, not somebody else's (ouch!).

Lots of people are saying the same thing. Have you had any therapy btw? It may be an idea to turn this over with someone qualified to recognise patterns. You say the dynamics between you and your parents is 'a whole other thread'. I wouldnt be surprised if your tendency to hope someone, somewhere is going to notice and validate/see to your needs originated there tbh. Just an idea...

Sorry you're hurting, lovely Flowers

springytick · 12/11/2013 00:33

Sorry, that 'ouch! comment was a bit harsh. Its not as harsh at it sounds, I hope you don't feel shamed by it, which was not my intention. (wish I could edit it out)

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 12/11/2013 01:03

Thanks for all the sweet words!! Don't worry about the harsh advice, I get it. I realized that if I get caught up in all the drama of hating him and obsessing over OW, I actually feel better. It's only when I'm alone I realize how sad I actually feel.

I don't know about counceling. I've never tried it to be honest, it just seems like an extreme option to me, but I could be wrong!

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 13/11/2013 00:19

I have a problem!!! I just realized that I left a bunch of important stuff at my ex's place.

I stayed over a lot and have a bunch of clothes and stuff at his apartment, but I can live without that.
At work today, I realized that I was missing something really important. The last time I remember working on it was while I was at his place right before we split. I really need this, I'm not sure if he has it...but I just don't know what to say to him I really don't want to talk to him right now!!

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 13/11/2013 00:31

just ask a friend to contact him and to collect it. Do not see him now as you sound too vulnerable right now. Then start doing various things and you will heal eventually, for sure!

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 13/11/2013 00:35

Okay that sounds like a good idea. I was thinking of emailing him to ask him if it's there and then, if it is, asking a friend to go over and pick it up?? aaaahhh!!!!!

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 13/11/2013 00:36

also, next time don't throw yourself into a relationship given your 'history', try to be a little laid back andsee if a man makes the effort. Only if he ACTS as if he cares and also tells you this, then you can invest a lot of emotion/energy/time. I don't mean be cold to him before than, just don't jump all in (and tell him you love him!) as you did with this one.

beaglesaresweet · 13/11/2013 00:38

yeah, or you can ask a friend to phone him even, just to be polite and say to him that you've asked for this favour.

springytick · 13/11/2013 01:28

Maybe The Rules was written for men like this ie men who like (need?) the chase, dont value what they get easily. ie successful men (ime). It might be an idea to read it as perhaps a counter-balance to jumping all-in iyswim.

yy get a friend to contact him. Business-like.

Lweji · 13/11/2013 06:19

Asking a friend to go for you or with you is a good idea.

I understand how the drama makes you feel better, rather than sitting at home alone, but you need to start new drama. Find new things that interest you, start dating, even if only to get the excitement of meeting new people.

Lweji · 13/11/2013 06:22

TBH, and I don't follow the rules, they sound more designed to protect women from men like this who aren't that bothered.

BitOutOfPractice · 13/11/2013 06:58

Definitely get a friend to go FOR you not WITH you. Otherwise it's just an excuse to see him - well that's how it'll look to him. I know the NC is really tough but it's vital to your healing

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 14/11/2013 01:19

Okay so my friend emailed him and he agreed to meet her and let her pick up the stuff. At least I don't have to see him.

I feel so miserable. When I broke up with him, I felt really emotional but still had it together. Now that almost a week has passed, I'm just so down. I've experienced break ups before, worse and more difficult that this and I don't know why it's hit me so hard.

I'm just feeling so insecure, like nobody loves me or cares about me. I don't feel like doing anything, on the verge of tears all the time. I wish he would just call me or anything to let me know that he's thinking about me a little or that he misses me, but nothing.

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 14/11/2013 01:20

See I've been thinking about posting on here, but I don't even feel up to doing that ....

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 14/11/2013 01:30

Oh Artsy, you're missing something that had gone a long time ago. You will feel miserable, that's normal - but it will get better, You know that. Have faith x

Hissy · 14/11/2013 07:30

The last thing you need is him telling you he misses you, believe me.

This time next week it'll be just that fraction less raw.

Hissy · 14/11/2013 07:30

The last thing you need is him telling you he misses you, believe me.

This time next week it'll be just that fraction less raw.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/11/2013 07:44

Oh you poor thing. IT's the worst feeling in the world. The cliches like "time's a healer" and "this too shall pass" are trotted out at times like this because they are true. It will get better. Promise.

Loopyloulu · 14/11/2013 08:34

It will get better but why do you need to feel loved by a man? Love yourself, see your friends, be a strong woman! Remind yourself of how he was so shitty every time you feel sad about losing him.

springytick · 14/11/2013 13:44

ah see, I do know what you may mean about this, about wanting to know that he misses you. Perhaps you want to know you are valuable and are missed when you're gone

imo he does miss you and he will miss you. Just not quite in the way you want him to. Which is no reflection on you, I hope you can see that xx

BitOutOfPractice · 14/11/2013 15:11

Loopylou, let the poor woman nurse her broken heart for just a little bit before you start on the lectures about being happy by herself eh? Have you ever had your heart broken? Remember what it was like? Remember how you felt like you'd never be happy again and nobody (man, woman, child) would ever love you again because you were so inloveable? Remember that? Then give the woman a bloody break!

StrawberryMojito · 14/11/2013 20:34

I've been there, so many people have. You know you've done the right thing but it hurts so much and you want him to change your mind. Fact is, he wasn't right for you and whilst he probably is missing you to some extent, this was always going to be the outcome ie he may have feelings for someone else and almost definitely doesn't want the same things out of life that you do.

This awful heartbroken period does move on. Life gets better, you will meet other people. You WILL fall in love with someone else (and be loved), I'm almost excited for you!

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