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Original poster

Losing my man to another woman, help!

999 replies

ArtsyLady · 29/10/2013 21:53

Hello ladies,

I am new to this forum. I'm not married and I don't have children but I am going through something and could use some help.

I'm 29 and in a relationship with a 40 year old man. We've been together close to a year and I'm certain that he's the one. He has never been married but I've been hoping and trying to get him to commit.

Things have been great between us - we have good chemistry, we've traveled together, did some exciting new things. This has all changed recently, he has lost interest, doesn't contact me as often, even our sexual relationship has cooled.

I recently discovered that a new woman has entered the picture. She isn't actually "new". He has known her for many years. She is recently divorced but was already married when they met. They were introduced through mutual friends 7 years ago and he helped her apply for a job where he worked. She then got the job and they worked together for a period of time. Apparently, during this time he developed feelings for her, but she was happily married then and he couldn't act on these feelings. He then got a new job in the city and moved and has hardly seen her for years.

Now she's newly single and has moved into the city herself. What really made me mad is that when he reconnected with her, they were both invited to dinner with some mutual friends. He knew she was going to be there and didn't invite me along (even though he normally would). Since then he has been spending time with her, I don't know how far it has gotten.

I got all this information from a friend who knows them both. I have confronted him but he claims that nothing is going on, I don't believe him.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 10/11/2013 21:18

I have read the chumplady blog!! Even though most of those entries are about married people, I could see a lot of myself in there.
The stupid thing is, I think he doesn't really believe he was cheating on me. He kept saying that "nothing happened" and I think he meant sexually (which I do believe, given the circumstances) but he was spending so much time with her, money (that fridge was not cheap!!), lying about what he was doing while he was with her, and most importantly he seems to be really emotionally invested in her and is trying to make a relationship happen. How is that not cheating? I would say it's a step up from an emotional affair. Whatever his intentions were with me, I was his girlfriend, we were in an exclusive relationship. I somehow feel like, in his mind, I was the other woman rather than her. Like I bet he didn't want me at that party because of how it would look to her, rather than to me. I honestly believe this.

Hmm... is he treating OW the way he treated you when you first got together?

Not really, and that's what initially hurt so much. When we first met, he did put a lot of effort....but it was more like fun, flirtatious stuff, coming up with interesting things to do together, compliments, that sort of thing. With her, it's much more....genuine....if that makes sense. For example, from what I've seen...he'd never compliment her for how she looks or say something suggestive or sexual....but he seems to be willing to run over and help her if she needs it, or to say something sweet to cheer her up, that sort of thing.

With us, also, things got sexual pretty early on. There was just a lot of chemistry and one thing lead to another very quickly. With her, I feel like it's less exciting but more steady and emotional.

I obviously haven't seen them together, but this is the impression that I get....

OP posts:
Original poster
ArtsyLady · 10/11/2013 21:18

TEXT: Hi, Artsy, been thinking about you - hope you're OK.
Artsy: Hi twunt, why don't you stop calling/texting me and drop dead!

too much???

what is a twunt btw...I tried looking it up in the acronyms page but didn't findit??

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Original poster
ArtsyLady · 10/11/2013 21:18

oops...I don't know why my posts got repeated Confused

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PedantMarina · 10/11/2013 21:49

Too much: the "drop dead" makes it sound like you're still emotional (he can drop dead or not - why should you care?) and the "Hi" sounds too friendly.

The Inner Duchess would probably say: "It is inappropriate for you to attempt contact with me, and your message is unwelcome". It's a bit wordy, but utterly unemotional. Or "How I am is none of your concern. Stop texting." is less wordy, but can sound like you're still hurting. "Fine. Stop texting." is probably perfect.

A one-word reply might be: "Unsubscribe".

cjel got to it before me, but I'll add that "Twunt" is more fun to write - and covers more bases - than ExH, ExP, etc.

garlicbutter · 10/11/2013 22:01

"Women Who Love Too Much" is a useful book, imo. It wouldn't seem unlikely that this break-up has got to you more than the previous one because of the "Pick Me Dance". You knew the first guy was something of a deadbeat and, one way or another, you were liberating yourself to follow your own star. With this one, you'd built a pile of hopes & dreams on him, only to find he was doing the same - on someone else! Ouch! It's really human to suffer from a bruised ego ... make sure you give that ego plenty of TLC, Artsy, it serves you well :)

perfectstorm · 10/11/2013 22:03

Personally I'd just reply with "Busy." Insults on several levels, but quietly enough that it doesn't commit to anything.

garlicbutter · 10/11/2013 22:04

Just to repeat, you've done your ego a MASSIVE favour by cutting short a situation that was hurting it. You might have sacrificed it still further, in desperate pursuit of a liar, basically. And you chose not to! Flowers Flowers from your ego Grin

garlicbutter · 10/11/2013 22:06

A one-word reply might be: "Unsubscribe". - Haha!

I was going to suggest "Fine. Goodbye."

PedantMarina · 10/11/2013 22:12

Ooh, "Busy" is good. But might sound like you want him to ask "doing what?" And if he does, do NOT reply. Definitely not with any explanation, perhaps with "Busy. Stop texting."

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 10/11/2013 22:25

A one-word reply might be: "Unsubscribe" aaaahahahahaha brilliant!!!
I actually think he might find that one funny, though, and that is definitely not the purpose hha

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PedantMarina · 10/11/2013 22:33

Nope, not your job to make him laugh any more.

LittlePeaPod · 10/11/2013 22:39

Or you could just ignore him... Silence is golden, it really fucks with people's heads.. Grin

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 10/11/2013 22:42

garlicbutter - I think you're right!! With my first ex, I was really heartbroken when he dumped me, but part of me was also relieved I think. Soon I realized how much easier life was when I had to take care of just myself and not two people!!

The other thing is that, with that first ex, I got to know him inside out. Firstly, he was much more open and emotional than twunt (haha Grin) and we were together for several years, went through quite a bit together. We saw each other at our best and worst.

With twunt, I didn't really experience any major life challenges during our relationship and neither did he. Plus, because he is so decisive and reserved, he is kind of mysterious too....which always kept me wondering and fantasizing about him a bit. I often imagined how it would be if we did experience something together, how he would act in a supportive role (the way he does with ow yuk!), etc etc....and I think I built up way too much in my head and never got to experience any of it!

I think that after this summer, I was sort of filled with hope and anticipation about taking the relationship further, only for it to completely change and then end!

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Lweji · 10/11/2013 22:55

I think silence in this case speaks louder than any words you use to reply.
Replies only keep you in contact.
If you don't want contact, you have to be the one to stop it, so stop it now.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 10/11/2013 22:57

There's actually nothing to stop right now, luckily!
I did reply saying I was okay and don't want to talk, but this was yesterday. I haven't heard from him since.

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Lweji · 10/11/2013 23:00

Ah, good. :)

I got a little confused and replied without reading it all.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 10/11/2013 23:01

haha I think we're just preparing in case he does call again Grin

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HogFucker · 10/11/2013 23:04

I hope he does call again - just so you can use 'unsubscribe'

malinaaa · 10/11/2013 23:24

"Unsubscribe" is great, I want to use this on people I have to work with that I don't like Grin

Artsy, I think in your self-reflection, you may want to think about this:

I think that after this summer, I was sort of filled with hope and anticipation about taking the relationship further

I only bring this up, because I remember earlier you mentioned that you asked him to move in together several months ago and he gave you his standard "we'll see" response, meaning it was not going to be happening. Yet, you were filled with hope about it. I think this is the point when you should have started feeling something was wrong?

onlypassing · 10/11/2013 23:32

Just saying finally after a last look at your thread, that if you ever expressed any desire for children during all these months you were with him he must have known at that point that he was simply wasting your time, yet he continued quite happily to let himself be considered to be your 'boyfriend' to whom you were being faithful.
If so, that would have been extremely selfish of him because he knew full well he wouldn't be marrying you and you wouldn't be having any with him.

But maybe you never once mentioned children, or maybe don't want any for all I know, so just speculating.

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 10/11/2013 23:33

malinaaa I don't think I've mentioned what happend during the summer....so basically I asked him about moving in together before the summer and yes, he gave me the we'll see.

However, I still had a few months left on my lease so I couldn't do it right away anyway. I also assumed that he may have just needed some time to think it over. I honestly figured that he might just want to get to know me better and feel more comofrtable because he's never actually lived with a girlfriend before.

ANYWAY, then the summer started....and his family (brother, SIL, and their two kids) came and that was a big "seal the deal" type thing in our relationship. I spent a lot of time with them while they were here. I got along well with his brother, the SIL was hard to communicate with because she doesn't speak much English but she seemed nice, and I played with the kids a lot which was great.

Also, seeing him with his family really did it for me. He is obviously really close to his brother, really nice and open to his SIL...and REALLY great with the kids. He really seems to love those two (both boys), played with them a lot, they are crazy about him..So in my mind, I kept thinking he would be a great dad!

This was all very intimate family stuff and he included me in it, so I assumed I was important enogugh to him. I felt a lot closer to him because of this and it made me want to be with him even more. So, I was hoping that sharin this experience meant that he would be more open about moving in together...

When they left, things between us remained really good and close. Then OW came to town and...boom...he changed completely, hardly spent time with me, became distant, and you know the rest...

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onlypassing · 11/11/2013 02:38

To include you fairly fully in his family like that, not keeping you at a distance from them, and then to suddenly change is a truly horrible way to do things. I can understand much better why you've been so completely led up the garden path by him.
In spite of a superficial veneer of being a very charming, civilized and caring person he must be extremely selfish, rather cold and uncaring underneath all that when it suits him.
Btw. the kind of love and loyalty he feels for his family is a very different kind of love from the romantic love from him that you hoped for, in my opinion. It's a mistake to extrapolate from one to the other, I think.
You're certainly best rid of him!

Tenacity · 11/11/2013 03:03

I think you fell for him 'big time' because he wasn't emotionally available.

A Psychologist would probably have a field day with your situation.

PedantMarina · 11/11/2013 06:58

Gosh, hadn't heard (or registered) about the family coming over thing before. That really does shed a new light on things. I think the fact that he let you into their lives does make it appear that you were closer to him than you probably were. The kindest I can say about it was that it was unwise of him.

And I'm not disputing that his feelings must have changed when OW came back into his life. I think it's well established that she was probably always The One for him, at that time attractively unavailable, yadee yadee. Its effect on his perspective has been discussed with suffiency.

But, looking at it from yours, particularly hard on the heels of the family visit, that - wow, words fail me (ME!), so I'll finish lamely with "- really sucks".

Original poster
ArtsyLady · 11/11/2013 09:17

I'm glad my feelings make more sense now, I kind of wish I explained what happened at the very beginning haha

To be honest, his family was just one part of it. From very early on, he let me in to so much of his life. That was the first time I met his family, because they don't live here. He visited them over Christmas last year, but that was very early on in the relationship so I didn't expect to fly out to Europe and spend Christmas with his mom, right?

BUT...he brought me into most other areas of his life. I got to know his friends very quickly and he brought me along to most social events (again, why I was so suspicious and hurt when he didn't invite me to the one where he reconnected with OW). He also introduced me to a lot of his coworkers and students and I came along to work related social things too.

Add to all this, that he is quite an outgoing and warm guy, and I felt close to him really quickly. It's weird because he let me into so much of his life, but also didn't.

But looking back on it, I realized that quite a lot of it was on his own terms as well. Like, I spent a lot of time with his friends, but he didn't spend much time with mine. I figured that it could be an age thing, but he spends a lot of time socially with his students (who are the same age) and does social stuff that younger people would like. He met my family once and was incredibly nice to them, but didn't make an effort to be closer to them the way I did with his family. I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture.

I'm such an idiot really that I never saw a problem with any of this. I guess I just really liked being a part of his life and I liked him a lot obviously, so I was more than happy to go along with all of this!

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