any dating gurus around?

[Mitchy1nge]

so if you met someone, and had quite a nice time at a party with them (no snogging or sexuals) and you were reasonably sure he fancied you but you didn't fancy him as such but quite liked him as a person, and so if you went on to send him a message asking if he would like to come to the cinema to watch a film (that he had been talking about) with you but he hadn't responded within 24 hours would you:

1. think never mind, nothing ventured nothing gained
2. check you got the number right
3. find out where he lives and let yourself in while he is at work and surprise him?

I'm thinking 1 but I really do think he liked me, he wrote a lovely poem and everything (everything being making an origami crane) so am a bit puzzled that he wouldn't at least say thanks but no, or ideally 'yes that would be lovely'. Hmmm.

Then he wasn't listening. Wasn't tuned into you and your needs and feelings.

It's a bit gaslightish. "Well I didn't hear you say that. Are you sure you said that?"

there is a chance he is not being truthful when he denies hearing or noticing anything

there's also a chance I just accelerated instantly from thinking 'stop it' to just biting him and missed out the verbal part entirely - have had problems controlling my impulses before (maybe as part of my bipolar or maybe as part of my character) and he's telling the truth

so I don't know, it's not great either way (I'm sure there are other possibilities or something in between) but I'd prefer it if he was dodgy and I didn't have to worry about my state of mind

this started out as such a chirpy thread and now it's all sombre with mental illness germs all over it :(

You didn't miss the verbal bit out - he's just making you doubt yourself! Stop it!

You were feeling chirpy and then this happened and made everything feel a bit shit. Not your fault.

thanks, I'm not wholly convinced, but gun-to-head I would probably say my first account of what happened was the more accurate

he did get me some nice Christmas presents anyway (obviously this is hardly the point)

Oh mitchy, sorry this is tough for you. I just wanted to say be gentle with yourself and trust yourSelf. Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

I've decided to see him maybe next weekend, he is still funny and interesting to talk to but am about 68% sure I have gone off the idea of ever doing any sexuals with him again, as much for his safety as mine

on plus side is such early days I don't have to do anything formal, it can just fizzle out. And have learned that while I thought I would quite like a boyfriend, time spent on/with one is time lost from other pursuits

Hi Mitchy

There is a little voice of reason and instinct in all of us, somewhere deep, deep in our psyche that most people completely ignore or pretend doesn't exist that knows all the answers to our questions, gives the best advice and knows all that happens. Ask YOURSELF what is the best thing to do, be still and listen for that voice. Trust yourself a bit more, you don't have to question everything, just do what you truly know is best for yourself. You seem quite clued in Mitchy. Happy 2014:)

thanks cakehappy (that is such a smiley name!)

How are you doing mitchy?

hello you, nice of you to ask :) I am still sort of seeing him but the sexual weirdnesses haven't exactly improved

we had a bit of a chat earlier about not being sexual and have a lunch date set this week, but the main thing I was enjoying was having someone to enjoy some sexuals with, I've got enough friends to meet up and do other, non-sex things with

I'm quite heartened by how nice it was at the beginning and how easy it is to meet people without going to too much effort (lazy) and it definitely underlined the urgency with which I needed to tackle certain wardrobe deficits, and got me interested in a vague hypothetical sort of way in the concept of Tidying Up my house in case I need to bring a bloke home etc

a quick pros and cons

pros:

he is interesting
funny
clever
tall
nice physique
the nicest penis have ever met
likes running
a good parent
I like his music
he dances well
and sings nicely
is very tidy
could be a very civilising influence
fancies me

cons:

does not seem to grasp the basics of sexual etiquette

Quite a few pros there Mitch, which is good. Shame the one con isn't "he dances crap" instead of bad sex etiquette.

I don't know, easier to work on the etiquette than a congenital absence of the will to move one's body to music in an aesthetically pleasing way (which is, you know, not uncommon) I think?

Yes, you could be right.

I also liked your line about the 'nicest penis you've ever met'. I assume that refers to his penis, rather than suggesting that he is a penis?

For me the one con outweighs all the pros. Sorry. Although I'm basing that on what you described up thread as an example of his lack of sex manners.

I once went out with a right douche bag. He was an amazing dancer. I remember one of my friends saying, "You can't go out with someone just because they're a good dancer, for gods sake!" It made me wake from a sort of trance I think until then I'd considered it a good reason......!

He was also sparkly and expressive etc but the cons outweighed the dazzle.

haha yes, his penis

I do think he is a nice person and not because he can't help but compare favourably to some of my less than ideal choices in the past few years (the neo nazi coke dealer, my friend's flatmate who seemed all normal and interesting with his art galleries and life in Florence but wanted to shit on my tits, the lovely but unspeakably DULL series of bodybuilders and runners)

but yes dancing isn't everything, in fact wasn't some of the point of this one to be an alternative to me spending the entire weekend dancing

had such a lovely time with him yesterday, not staying overnight seems to be key to it all being much more enjoyable

which makes me think it is probably a lot of my weirdnesses as well as his, have always been rubbish at the actual sleeping part of sleeping with people

Mitchy, glad you had a good time. have you been able to resolve the other issues?

I think so, not sure how I'll know unless they recur and then I'll know they haven't been resolved at all but it feels better so far.

It's just quite nice to have someone within easy reach sometimes

That sounds positive then Mitchy. I suppose all you can do now is just see how your relationship continues to develop. At least you seem to enjoy each others company.