DH deosn't want me to work!!

[loopydoo]

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

It actually is like this is an agony aunt column from the 1950s. Seriously....is he mad?? Does Heinz in the sand world as everybody else.

You can't go for coffee and he expects you to do 12 hours worth of chores?!?!

This is so depressing. I feel so sad for you.

• does he live in the same world .....is how that should read!!!

Loopy, not sure if you're going to come back to the thread, and it must be hard to read - which doesn't make what's being said untrue. I just wanted to pick up on this that DH said to you:

"He thinks that while he has tricky stuff going on at work and whilst he's feeling down and perhaps depressed, that it would be great to have my support at home. "

If he's feeling down and perhaps depressed, what is he going to do to change that? Depression is an illness and wouldn't be his fault, but it is his responsibility to sort it out. Is he going to see his GP? Is he going to come up with a plan to be proactive about the tricky work stuff (e.g. talk to his supervisor)?

Ironically, lots of people find that exercise (like, you know, going out for a walk) and maintaining social contact (like, um, spending time interacting with family) help a lot with stuff like depression. It's hard because you want to sit and zone out staring at a screen, but what makes you actually feel better is being outside and interacting with people.

Anyway, it's up to him what plan he wants to make to try to manage his feelings, but it's entirely unreasonable of him to say that the solution to his problem is for you to not work. Especially as he's not even in the house during your potential working hours. It's not a very rational position, is it?

And if he's making that demand without doing anything himself to improve the way he feels, then some people might conclude that he's less depressed and in need of support, and more controlling and trying to maintain control. Sorry.

you will most likely enjoy the job and you find it fulfilling. You've looked after the kids while they were little at home but now you need to do something for yourself

This is one of the saddest threads I've read for a long time. The burnt toast analogy is spot on. OP please articulate your needs and be brave enough to reach for them. Your 'D'H and children do not need you at home every moment of the day.

Maybe the laughter is blinding you to the fact of quite how vulnerable your position is. It's much harder to LTB without a job or reasonable chance of getting a job and I do have to worry if this isn't influencing your DH's actions.

And I'm clearly a domestic slut as I don't understand how anyone can find enough housework to fill 12 hours a day, every day.

My mother did that with toast! Honestly, she did!

The reason I was looking for a school hours only job, was because I have just given up on a very demanding uni course to spend kore time with my children. It was the chance of a lifetime and I beat over 700 people to a place on a course of less than 40 but because I love my children and the way the course was designed meant I wasn't having any spare time with the kids, I gave it all up.

I don't regret my leaving the course but that's the reason I don't want to do a job where I'm needing childcare. I obviously haven't put every family detail/issue down but if I had, you would all see that stability for my children is what's most important now.

I talked to him yesterday and last night he talked for an hour when I asked him how he was feeling about work. It is quite obvious that the new company have piled all the company problems on him for him to solve whilst others just sit on their bums and do not a lot. He is still learning the job which was sort of created for him so he is mega stressed with that.

We had a good day today, with him taking Ds out for a play at park and then took him into town for cake and tea. Then he unloaded dishwasher tonight and reloaded it!! However, when Ds was refusing to get ready for bed and punched me, dh lost it and shouted at me and Ds. And then blamed me for asking for his help in Ealing with Ds. So he has now stormed ff to bed.

Oh well....will carry on tomorrow. Me and dd off shopping for new clothes.
I'm really not a 1950s wifey.....I'm actually quite assertive. I am very good at being happy most of the time. I think I might go on my own to a marriage counsellor and see how I can improve things.....I don't think dh would come with me.

When we aren't busy/stressed etc, me and dh do go to the cinema/watch movies and it's a hobby we both like. We also take the kids to see movies regularly.

We decided that we would do a family list of stuff we want to do at weekends and dh spent some time in the garden pooling about. So apart from shouting tonight, a family row apparently I caused, it was a lovely normal day.

Stop being so bloody grateful OP and get angry. YOur DH sounds like something out of the 1950s. If you want a job, get a job. This is 2013.

Sounds like a very unequal marriage.

So apart from shouting tonight, a family row apparently I caused, it was a lovely normal day.

Honestly, you sound pathetically grateful for half-decent behaviour from your husband. Most marriages are far more equal than this.

Signing off from the thread now I think....I will going around in circles with my head full of everything.

Thanks for everyone's input.....most has been very insightful and helpful. It's made me realise that my tolerance threshold is much higher than it needs to be and that things need to change.

So apart from shouting tonight, a family row apparently I caused, it was a lovely normal day.

A tiny minor thing, right? That you (!? ) caused...
It's the conclusion of the day. That's how relaxed he felt and how nice he was.
He controlled himself for the day and lashed out in the evening.

Ok, you need to be there for the children, but surely a school hours job wouldn't require that much childcare. And you can be there for the children.

Get a cleaner so you have more free time for them and make your lazy controlling husband contribute as well.

I asked him how he was feeling about work. It is quite obvious that the new company have piled all the company problems on him for him to solve whilst others just sit on their bums and do not a lot. He is still learning the job which was sort of created for him so he is mega stressed with that.

But the entitled ones will ALWAYS tell you they do all the work.

Look though the bullshit. Not at it.

"I am very good at being happy most of the time. I think I might go on my own to a marriage counsellor and see how I can improve things.....I don't think dh would come with me"

Ouch, loopy. Read it back and think about what you're saying. I think some counseling for you would be a great idea, but unfortunately you aren't in a position to improve things - you aren't the problem.

Too bad you gave up on the course.

You are not describing a normal healthy marriage.

Please wise up.

There was a thread last year that reminds me of your situation. It was worse in some ways, although you haven't answered about the sexual side of your relationship.
Do you find yourself having sex to keep things ok?

Anyway, what strikes me is you saying that you are very good at being happy. That you make yourself happy. In that you are not happy, but you have strategies to cope and end up feeling happy. You put your needs at the back of your mind so that your H's and your children's needs become your priority and you feel happy.
Notice "feel" rather than "are".

Ask yourself if the problems that your children have could not have been caused by the behaviour of your H at home.
Ask yourself what you would do were it not for the mental manipulation your H is doing.
Ask yourself what you would be doing if he actually supported you (as a normal person would) and did most of his fair share at home and with the children.
Ask yourself how happy you would be without an end of the day tantrum on the part of your H.

On the other thread, GB took months to leave and about 5 threads. But she did and all the better for all the family.

Find our assertiveness. Come back whenever you need to.

"I'm not good at being happy" - Being happy is not something that should be forced/acted. Happiness is something that shines from within, when someone is truly happy with their life or something they are doing.
You are not happy because you are married to a male chauvenist baboon of whom seems stuck in 1950's timewarp inwhich he expects you to follow, totally disregarded the fact you are absolutely miserable!!

Wake up, you aren't happy because there is nothing in this relationship that would make any woman happy!
You have 2 choices, fwiw i would choose 1! 1: LTB 2:Go for the job and get back some adsertivness, ditch what he wants and do what you want!

*disregarding

Pumpkin, she said she's 'very good' at being happy.

Oops Mango but still the same sentiment re true happiness

OP I feel for you. I think you are letting this man manipulate you so he gets his own selfish way.

I know 'marriage isn't easy' but its more of a partnership than you describe. Your dh needs to stop lording his working / earning status over you. You need to be more assertive about his participation in family life & letting you have a break sometime.

I hear warning bells when you say he is taking credit for supporting you through pnd over 5y ago like he's done you a favour & now you have to do the same for him.

It doesn't sound like a nice life & it sounds as if you are letting him get all his own way to the detriment of your own life.

Stand up for yourself more please!

God loopy I feel so sad for you.How will you feel in so many years time when your dd is in your position? And your ds is as entitled as his father? I am sorry if that's harsh but its very obvious you adore your kids and they will both grow up thinking these dynamics in a relationship are normal.Please start going for a coffee,apply for jobs and take your children for lovely long walks! With or without him

Marriage is a lot easier when it's not to an entitled knob, OP. This really really isn't normal.

This is the saddest thread I've seen in a long while. OP- you are a person in your own right. What you have sounds like an empty existence- not a life

This may sound harsh, but what will your children gain by Having a mother who is physically there, but is existing as a doormat? These are terrible role models for your children, who are growing up thinking that a husband has all the power and the wife's role is to keep the house spotless and him happy

Even if you don't care for your own sake, think about what message this sends to your children. And please don't make the mistake of thinking you are hiding the worst from them. Children learn by the lives we as parents are living- not by what we tell them