DH deosn't want me to work!!

[loopydoo]

I found a great job in a school yesterday so was going to apply today, as it's school hours and in term time only (very rare) however, DH just went off on one saying I need to be here at home for the kids and to do the house stuff I've been doing for the last 12 years!!!

I just wrote down all the stuff I do and the stuff he does.
Of course, he tells me 'he earns the money' and I just stay at home. He also says that when he's at work, I should be doing 12 hours of housework and not go for coffee with friends etc.

It's made me realise it's like living in the 1950s and he basically likes me being a housewife/slave.

I'm educated and have a good degree but stopped worked only a few years after uni to have DD. I know I need more in my life than just housework and this type of job with great hrs (so no childcare needed) don't come up often.

This is my list.....

Empty/load dishwasher
Wash up pans etc
Washing
Ironing
Hang wash on line/dryer/bring it in
Vacuuming
Cleaning bathroom
Cleaning Loo
Dust everywhere
Tidy bedrooms
Make beds
Change bed linen
Mop hard floors
Plan Meals
Do food shop
Cook meals
Plan and make kids packed lunches
Make DH's sandwiches
Organise everything for school bags
Empty school bags and action paperwork
Do reading books
Plan and help with kids homework
Record my spending on money spread sheet
Clean oven
Clean cupboards
Clean fridge
Take/collect kids to/from clubs
Plan/buy all family bday/xmas presents/cards

This is his list...

Wash cars occasionally/take to car wash
DIY occasionally when necessary
Cuts grass
Takes ds to swimming lesson every other week

That's it - literally! When he gets back from work (yes, it's a very stressful job), he watches tv and then goes to bed roughly same time as kids (9-ish). At weekends, he doesn't want to get involved and if I mention going for a family walk, he goes off on one!

Any ideas as to how to increase his involvement with everything?

So, just to clarify:

• You are his domestic drudge and he "expects" you to do certain things within your allotted time-frame
• He disapproves of you having any independent social life because you are supposed to be doing domestic duties
• He disapproves of any family time at weekends
• He disapproves of you having any financial independence

Honestly, is ^^ what you want from your life?

And actually, in nine years together DH has never shouted me down, either. Disagreed, talked, even cried when I've upset him, but never shouted over me and walked off. To me your husband's behaviour is so totally unacceptable.

Do you love him? Do you respect him?

Well, my husband is not perfect, and neitehr am I.

But just for you to compare:

When i wanted to go back to work, he supported that, when i wanted to stay at home he supported that. He does not begrudge me a coffe with friends, he gets perks too ( nice lunches, fancy trips where he gets treated). He does more in the house, now I do less, but for bizarre reasons draws kteh line at shopping and cooking ( I know, i said he is not perfect).

He is always very sweet about acknowledging how much I put into the family ( help with homework, sort kids activities and social lives, do all the difficult talks when they are unhappy/sex education/ meaning of life :/ etc. when he is away.

Then, he wanted to quit his job, and retrain which means a lot less money.

It is all give and take and giving eachother a bit of space. To me that is normal.

At the moment you are a stay at home mum not a housekeeper. Nothing wrong with doing it if it's what you want, but I don't think that's the case. Is this what you thought life would be like? Did you even discuss what would happen after having kids or did he just assume that you would do everything so he could go off and have his career? You are not on this world to give your H kids and make his life easier. If he disagrees, do it anyway, it is your life.

Mumsnet mums are always so ready to tell you to get a divorce at the first sign of trouble. It's not always that simple!

Not really. More of he has a choice to be a good husband or not be a husband at all.

Also, I'm a person, not a "mum".

Apply for the job and leave him.

Lweji, I was referring to the OP saying she is a SAHM. As far as I am aware 'mum' =/= 'housekeeper'

No you, in "Mumsnet mums". :)

And yes, it is that simple if we want to.

I hope you realise that, OP, and that he realises it too. IMO, it is your only chance that he changes at all.

Aha, sorry Lweji thought you were referring to my comment!

I'm a man and I'm always amazed at the crap women seem to be able to put up with from their partners. If I acted anything like how the OPs husband does I would expect to be out on my ear.

Thus proving my point.

Mumsnet men also say LTB, or so it seems.

If you see your function in life as a domestic appliance then don't apply for the job.
If you think your education and life experience might qualify you to bring something to the outside workd and get something back, then apply.
But one thing is for sure - a job in school hours is not likely to appear again for a very long time. They are like hens teeth.

DH wouldn't care what I did during the day, gym, coffees, lunch etc as long as I was happy. He says I clean too much anyway.

I have a part time term time only job in a secondary school - absolutely perfect job and I love it.

DS1 is now at college and DS2 is yr9. The only downside to my job will be when DS2 goes to college we are tied to going on holiday in the school holidays which is expensive, at the moment it obviously doesn't matter.

I would apply for the job.

The money is both of ours (although he reminds me who earns it)

Actually, that salary just goes into his account. You BOTH earn it, OP. I would love him to try your jobs for one week to see how he copes!

I'm also a SAHM and hubby works long hours during the week. As a result, I do most of the housework! We do have a cleaner but I do the cooking, washing, ironing etc.
However, hubby's attitude is completely different to your DH. My one doesn't keep tabs on what I do, doesn't check what I spend on the credit card and if I ask him to do something for me he will do it, no questions asked.
I also know if he wanted me to go out to work, I would have his full support.
Yes, you're a wife and mother but you're also a woman! If you want to work, do it!!!!!

He could just work & flop about if he wasn't married with kids. But he chose to have a family...

I do not think i will be able to live in a relationship like this, OP. I would find it stifling and would get desperate to break free. My DH has got his own business and spends most of his time working. So in practice I pick up the vast majority of the housework and childcare. DH is often not available on weekends, dither, due to work commitments. He used to sound a lot like your DH, but after a good few heady rows I think he can now see the other side of the argument and that running a house and looking after children is not a doddle, but actually quite a demanding job.

What did not help is that DH comes from a very traditional family where the father did diddly squat around the house because he was the earner and generally "the lord and master" of the household. This is the model DH grew up with, so he did not take it well when I suddenly started "placing demands" on him.

Well, he had a spell when he was made redundant and had to stay at home and look after the kids, I think that helped open his eyes a bit. And of course, my long-term persistence that he pulls his weight around the house when he can.

The difference with my family is that my DH would not dream of telling me what i should and should not be doing with my time during the day. If he tried to, it would not go down well! I do the housework as much as I can, if I fancy a break, I don't. And tough if he does not like it. He is welcome to put an apron on to cook dinner and get the vacuum out if he is unhappy about the state of the house. I am not his domestic drudge to tell me how many hours a day I should be spending polishing the skirting boards. If he had said that to me, I would just stop doing anything altogether and start doing precisely what he does - go to work and do sod all the rest of the time. Fair is fair.

Of course he doesn't want you to get a job,he has a cushy number with the little wife at home,tending to everything he needs,too conditioned to question,easily disciplined and manipulated to think its her fault.

You have children OP,do you really want them thinking this is how a man and a father should be? This is not a little problem sweetheart its systematic emotional abuse.

and if you did voluntary work or busied yourself with PTA would that be ok or not? or are you literally supposed to spend your time while kids at school cleaning?

you can as a family afford a cleaner, housekeeper, extra help.

go get that job.

And by the way see his lordships grumpy mood,thats another way to control you. You don't want to rock the boat so that you don't want to deal with him shouting at you.

I will bet my last £10 that he's not throwing his weight and moods around at work,no that's specially reserved for you.

he "loves "you and the kids he jsut doesnt like being with you/doing things as a family/enjoying a social life/ etce tc...sound pretty awful really.

if he wont show enthusiasm for a family walk or other family stuff what happens when you all go onholiday with him?

He could just work & flop about if he wasn't married with kids. But he chose to have a family...

Actually, he couldn't. As a single man he would have to feed himself, clean the house & do his own laundry and ironing as well as work.

He is actually being breathtakingly lazy in doing nothing in the house to look after himself & nothing with his family.

If he doesn't want anything to change, it means he does not care about or respect you - I could never treat my DH like a drudge.

He plainly does not value you, so you need to start valuing yourself, or you will end up utterly ground down. Apply for this job, apply for any job. Change the status quo.

It does make you wonder if some men marry for love or to get a house keeper.